Insincerity over the dead…

[Wildcat45]

“A kind, loving, funny force of nature”

Just one of many tributes to a recently departed ex-colleague written by someone who never liked her.

My inbox and social media feed has over the last week been filled with messages about the news of the demise of this erstwhile work mate, someone I’d not worked with for getting on 20 years, and who I last met socially in 2010.

amongst the outpouring of grief, a phone call from another ex-workmate and friend. It went a bit like this:

“I assume you’ve been inundated with messages about xxx? Well I just want to say something about her that nobody else is saying. She had the ability to suck the life out of any room she walked into. The day she left the business was a day of joy. Remember her leaving do? The one we had after she left”. Another workmate has shared similar thoughts, referring to the deceased by her less than complimentary nick name and reminding me of her bullying ways towards him when he was a young graduate new-starter.

She was a horrible person. Our last meeting at a wedding saw an obnoxious display. So obnoxious was she that my wife - who’d not met or heard of her before - stepped in to put her in her place in a superbly polite but wonderfully threatening way.

I had staff threatening to leave if something wasn’t done to control her behaviour. Fortunately she found another role in another organisation where it appears she spent years on secondments designed to keep her out of the way of others.

Someone has started one of those online whip-rounds for her. (She had a husband and child and I don’t seek to mock or diminish their loss.) She was however in a well-paid role at the time of her demise, so one assumes she had appropriate life cover.

Now I’ve got that rant out of the way…

Why do people feel the need to go all Lady Diana, Queen of Hearts over someone that so many disliked? I’m not suggesting people are tastelessly honest - as I have been above - but surely saying nothing or at best expressing regret is better than gushing grief from people who really didn’t like her.

An old boss of mine tells me that he took the liberty of including me on a condolence card. He’s a lovely guy, but she brought him much misery during her time in his department . Why is he going to so much effort?

Is it me? Am I just a callous ? This week I have had the misfortune to attend two funerals. Both deceased were kind caring loving people who will be missed by those who loved them. There were tears, but they were sincere. I’ve no doubt there were those who loved my dead ex-workmate, But all the snot and wailing by folks I know disliked her is just something I don’t get.

[Glosphil]

When I read what is written about people who die in accidents, terrorist attacks, are murdered, etc. I realise that the way to survive is to be a right b*stard as they never seem to be victims.

[MikeM6]

People get a bit odd around death. I often wonder if the outpouring from those that shouldn't be that bothered is due to the need to personalise the loss

For others, it might be about writing the narrative they want enduring, regardless of any truth or lack or it.

[Terminator X]

If they are dead best say nothing IMHO vs having a pop at them.

TX.

[dxg]

I recall Aristotle, I think it was, talking about large virtues and small virtues.

And that the virtuous man does virtuous things in a small way; quietly, without making a fuss.

The man without virtue displays their virtuous acts and performs those acts in a grand way to be seen to be virtuous.

The latter is all so common these days, amplified by social media and the ease of making the display. Hence, virtue signalling being inherently non-virtuous.

[RD-1]

dxg said:

I recall Aristotle, I think it was, talking about large virtues and small virtues.

And that the virtuous man does virtuous things in a small way; quietly, without making a fuss.

The man without virtue displays their virtuous acts and performs those acts in a grand way to be seen to be virtuous.

The latter is all so common these days, amplified by social media and the ease of making the display. Hence, virtue signalling being inherently non-virtuous.

Spot on.

People love to be involved in the drama.

If you’ve found someone’s credit card or want to wish someone happy birthday, just message them directly FFS.

[robsa]

I mean, it's just a social convention isn't it? Like every dead child was "one in a million" and "special beyond words" and "always ready with a cheeky smile; Farrant lit up any room he walked into"

They can't all be one in a million can they? But you can't really say "well, another dead kid who meant something to his mother and was otherwise entirely unremarkable, still, by the time I've finished this sentence another couple will have gone, so life goes on..."

[Dinoboy]

RD-1 said:

Spot on.

People love to be involved in the drama.

If you’ve found someone’s credit card or want to wish someone happy birthday, just message them directly FFS.

Exactly this, my wife and I briiefly assisted an elderly, very confused and tearful lady a few months ago. Standing outside M+S looking completely lost, my wife asked her if she was OK, she was very confused, something about her daughter leaving her and getting a taxi home.
Anyway we were in the process of helping her find her daughters number in her phone, which she clearly didn't know how to use when a woman barged in and already had her own phone out so that she could take a photo of the lady to post on social media and appeal for someone who might know her. She was most annoyed when my wife pointed out that she had found the daughters number and was about to call her.

[wolfracesonic]

robsa said:

I mean, it's just a social convention isn't it? Like every dead child was "one in a million" and "special beyond words" and "always ready with a cheeky smile; Farrant lit up any room he walked into"

They can't all be one in a million can they? But you can't really say "well, another dead kid who meant something to his mother and was otherwise entirely unremarkable, still, by the time I've finished this sentence another couple will have gone, so life goes on..."

‘Janice was the kind of lady who could light up a whole room… she didn’t have a lighter, anything like that, she could just light up a room through sheer tyranny of will’

[ChocolateFrog]

I'm not one of them.

I guess it's polite, see also horrible scrotes that come to a sticky end, they're always promising footballers that we're the light in every room.

Probably frowned upon if you signed a condolence card with 'Good Riddance'.

[Jasandjules]

I think some people just have to be involved in everything and show "they care".. The same people will support whatever it is social media tells them they must support, no bandwagon too small etc..

[littleowl]

They say you should only ever speak good of the dead.

I agree with that in 99% of cases.

The remaining 1% :- 'He's dead - good' or just keep quiet.

[Blib]

'Does it need to be said?

Does it need to be said now?

Does it need to be said now, by me?'

Covers most eventualities.

[oceanview]

Its like a lot of the people ( particularly younger people, say under 25) who will go and put flowers where someone died, when in living, they probably had very little to do with them.
They just seem to get caught up in all the drama and go and show fake condolences.

[RDMcG]

I avoid saying much-just offer condolences to the mourners if they exist.

Some of the tributes are bizarre though, as with drug dealers who get shot now and then in my city. Inevitably “popular in the community”

[Smint]

Virtue signalling is trendy, would much rather people be honest.

There are those who come into our lives whom we miss and remember fondly and those we wish we'd never set eyes on.
I always make my own minds up about people, not influenced by what others might say about them because too many have an agenda these days, maybe it was always so but i'm sure people didn't take themselves quite so seriously back a generation of two.

[DP14]

Wildcat45 said:

My inbox and social media feed has over the last week been filled with messages.....a phone call from another ex-workmate and friend....An old boss of mine tells me that he took the liberty of including me on a condolence card.

Is it me? Am I just a callous ?

No, I agree with you.

Perhaps even more callously, I find it odd how involved you still seem to be if you didn't meet socially for 13 years and worked together 20 years ago.

[Mojooo]

Do you not find that once someone dies - often a lot of the bad stuff you knew about them sort of fades

I felt this about someone i used to work with - I found them irritating but when they died it sort of faded

Not saying the same should apply for someone who was really nasty though.

[Sheepshanks]

Wildcat45 said:

“

An old boss of mine tells me that he took the liberty of including me on a condolence card. He’s a lovely guy, but she brought him much misery during her time in his department . Why is he going to so much effort?

On that point, it's probably more about how he looks to his current staff.

[otolith]

None of what we do in remembrance is for the benefit of the dead. They’re obviously dead. It’s for the benefit of the living.