Getting over a partner cheating
Discussion
Thought inspired by another ongoing thread.
How do people go about knowing their partner cheated on them and get over it and carry on the relationship as was?
Thankfully not had to deal with it personally but trying to put myself in others shoes and I can’t see myself ever being able to do it, it would just eat me up inside.
Examples from various people I know range from seemingly complete over it and marriage has carried on for years and still going strong to it absolutely tearing the person who was cheated on apart for years before they finally quit.
Don’t really want to risk upsetting the applecart asking the person I know how they do it so asking the wisdom of PH for your experiences.
Have you been cheated on, did you get over it, did you cheat on someone and they got over it
How do people go about knowing their partner cheated on them and get over it and carry on the relationship as was?
Thankfully not had to deal with it personally but trying to put myself in others shoes and I can’t see myself ever being able to do it, it would just eat me up inside.
Examples from various people I know range from seemingly complete over it and marriage has carried on for years and still going strong to it absolutely tearing the person who was cheated on apart for years before they finally quit.
Don’t really want to risk upsetting the applecart asking the person I know how they do it so asking the wisdom of PH for your experiences.
Have you been cheated on, did you get over it, did you cheat on someone and they got over it
RB Will said:
Thought inspired by another ongoing thread.
How do people go about knowing their partner cheated on them and get over it and carry on the relationship as was?
Thankfully not had to deal with it personally but trying to put myself in others shoes and I can’t see myself ever being able to do it, it would just eat me up inside.
Examples from various people I know range from seemingly complete over it and marriage has carried on for years and still going strong to it absolutely tearing the person who was cheated on apart for years before they finally quit.
Don’t really want to risk upsetting the applecart asking the person I know how they do it so asking the wisdom of PH for your experiences.
Have you been cheated on, did you get over it, did you cheat on someone and they got over it
Can't claim that I have ever been in a position where I have got over it and remained in the relationshipHow do people go about knowing their partner cheated on them and get over it and carry on the relationship as was?
Thankfully not had to deal with it personally but trying to put myself in others shoes and I can’t see myself ever being able to do it, it would just eat me up inside.
Examples from various people I know range from seemingly complete over it and marriage has carried on for years and still going strong to it absolutely tearing the person who was cheated on apart for years before they finally quit.
Don’t really want to risk upsetting the applecart asking the person I know how they do it so asking the wisdom of PH for your experiences.
Have you been cheated on, did you get over it, did you cheat on someone and they got over it
Had it happen twice to me. First one was my daughter's mother. I bear some responsibility as I was out working all hours to support us and we had drifted. Along came a slimy conman who knew what to say to make her feel better about herself. She maintains it wasn't physical until after I found out, but even if this was the case the emotional unfaithfulness was worse for me. We've remained civil for the 18 years since but don't have to maintain much contact now that our daughter is 21.
Second time was my ex wife. She ran off with a bloke from work(married) after 14 months of marriage. With hindsight I don't believe he was her first affair in our 5 years (total) together. Left me in the s
t financially and that had more of an affect on me long term than her leaving. I very quickly realised that I was better off out, once I'd recognised the narcissism and gas lighting for what it was.I think there is also a question of clarifying if the cheating was physical or emotional. A one-off drunken fling is a very different proposition to a long-term and emotionally involved relationship!
My approach is that I treat any relationship as my responsibility.
If I cheat, then I accept that I did something wrong, and move on. I don't want or expect the other person to forgive me, or live with the doubt of wondering if I'll do it again. Nor do I want to live with someone constantly looking over my shoulder. To me, I fked up and broke something I can't fix, at least to a bearable level. So better to learn the lesson and start fresh.
If the other peson cheats, then I'm also done. Sure, I'd be upset, but not angry. I wouldn't blame them, I'd blame myself. Either for contributing towards an environment that resulted in cheating, if I felt to blame; or for choosing someone prone cheating, if I felt it was all on them.
It's not perfect, and certainly not for everyone. However, the reasons for cheating are many and various, and often no amount of talking about it will lead to satisfactory answers. So, rather than torture myself and/or the other person, I find it easier to put it all on me, accept it and move on.
My thinkimg behind that is that being cheated on puts one in a position of feeling powerless and without control of the important things in one's life; which is very hard to bear and reconcile. I might be able to influence it, but I can't control whether someone cheats on me or not, so no point blaming them as it doesn't help me. However, I can control myself, and so by taking ownership of it I feel empowered again to learn from it, and make better choices in future.
It was a long lesson to learn, but I feel this way now about most relationship matters, like when people say my wife does this or that. I've given up concerning myself with what someone else does, and only worry about what I do. If I'm not happy, I say so, and why. If the other person cares, and can and wants to do something about that, then great. If not then that's ok too. Better to find out early and part ways, than spend years trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. We can all find someone that's a good match, and it's not always the person we're with.
If I cheat, then I accept that I did something wrong, and move on. I don't want or expect the other person to forgive me, or live with the doubt of wondering if I'll do it again. Nor do I want to live with someone constantly looking over my shoulder. To me, I f
ked up and broke something I can't fix, at least to a bearable level. So better to learn the lesson and start fresh.If the other peson cheats, then I'm also done. Sure, I'd be upset, but not angry. I wouldn't blame them, I'd blame myself. Either for contributing towards an environment that resulted in cheating, if I felt to blame; or for choosing someone prone cheating, if I felt it was all on them.
It's not perfect, and certainly not for everyone. However, the reasons for cheating are many and various, and often no amount of talking about it will lead to satisfactory answers. So, rather than torture myself and/or the other person, I find it easier to put it all on me, accept it and move on.
My thinkimg behind that is that being cheated on puts one in a position of feeling powerless and without control of the important things in one's life; which is very hard to bear and reconcile. I might be able to influence it, but I can't control whether someone cheats on me or not, so no point blaming them as it doesn't help me. However, I can control myself, and so by taking ownership of it I feel empowered again to learn from it, and make better choices in future.
It was a long lesson to learn, but I feel this way now about most relationship matters, like when people say my wife does this or that. I've given up concerning myself with what someone else does, and only worry about what I do. If I'm not happy, I say so, and why. If the other person cares, and can and wants to do something about that, then great. If not then that's ok too. Better to find out early and part ways, than spend years trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. We can all find someone that's a good match, and it's not always the person we're with.
Joey Deacon said:
Personally I wouldn't if they cheated once then they will do it again. If they could cheat on you that easily without a second thought then they clearly don't actually respect or care for you.
I am very interested in this thread and agree with this post, particularly as I was the one who cheated with perhaps 100 different women over 15 years. You are correct in that there was little in the way of respect or interest. That relationship is now in the past.I must say though that I regret every encounter and blame my own immaturity and stupidity, if I could have my time over again I would have behaved and been a better husband.
Having been on the other side of it, it takes time.
I cheated on my partner 4 years ago. We weren’t having a great time and we were both struggling with mental health. I let old behaviour patterns take over and did something stty.
When it all came out my partner moved out for more than a year and we had a lot of discussion about whether we wanted to keep going. They didn’t fully trust me for a long time.
I quit drinking and made an effort to work on my mental health. We moved into a new place together about 2.5 years ago.
We’re happier together now than we’ve ever been. It’s not perfect but whose life is. I know I’m better with them in my life and I’m grateful that I had another chance be the man they want.
I cheated on my partner 4 years ago. We weren’t having a great time and we were both struggling with mental health. I let old behaviour patterns take over and did something s
tty.When it all came out my partner moved out for more than a year and we had a lot of discussion about whether we wanted to keep going. They didn’t fully trust me for a long time.
I quit drinking and made an effort to work on my mental health. We moved into a new place together about 2.5 years ago.
We’re happier together now than we’ve ever been. It’s not perfect but whose life is. I know I’m better with them in my life and I’m grateful that I had another chance be the man they want.
Joey Deacon said:
Personally I wouldn't if they cheated once then they will do it again. If they could cheat on you that easily without a second thought then they clearly don't actually respect or care for you.
Joey is spot on, they are uncaring & selfish, usually, peppered with glib statements like "They didn't mean anything anyway" , the other person meant nothing & you even less!Do yourself a favour ,take long steps i the opoosite direction & learn to value yourself...
Gerradi said:
Joey Deacon said:
Personally I wouldn't if they cheated once then they will do it again. If they could cheat on you that easily without a second thought then they clearly don't actually respect or care for you.
Joey is spot on, they are uncaring & selfish, usually, peppered with glib statements like "They didn't mean anything anyway" , the other person meant nothing & you even less!Do yourself a favour ,take long steps i the opoosite direction & learn to value yourself...
So yes, I'd leave and move on, but would also take a look inwards to see if any of my behaviours were a contributory factor, and make sure I don't repeat them.
My ex cheated on me with four blokes and a women...she thought the women would have been alright as it was a women...
Took about a year or so to get over it.
My partner now, her ex husband cheated on her constantly. It effects her now six years later. I'm her first proper relationship since him. It took a lot of time before she trusted me fully.
I'll be honest, I struggled at first, but once it was explained why I had no issues now.
I couldn't be with someone who was in a relationship.
Took about a year or so to get over it.
My partner now, her ex husband cheated on her constantly. It effects her now six years later. I'm her first proper relationship since him. It took a lot of time before she trusted me fully.
I'll be honest, I struggled at first, but once it was explained why I had no issues now.
I couldn't be with someone who was in a relationship.
Gerradi said:
Joey is spot on, they are uncaring & selfish, usually, peppered with glib statements like "They didn't mean anything anyway" , the other person meant nothing & you even less!
Do yourself a favour ,take long steps i the opoosite direction & learn to value yourself...
Absolutely this, if you take the person back then you clearly don't respect yourself, so it's no wonder they didn't respect you enough not to sleep with someone else.Do yourself a favour ,take long steps i the opoosite direction & learn to value yourself...
It's worse when you find out what is going on, confront the person about it and they then lie about it. It's almost like they were just testing the waters to see what being single would be like to see if they like it before leaving you. At this point they are just keeping you as a backup option which again proves they don't actually want to be with you really. I believe this is known as "Monkey Branching" in the trade.
Also I think it is rare where someone "get's drunk and it just happened". More often they have actively gone out looking for attention or it is someone they have known for a while. The thought that it "just happened" and it hadn't been planned in advance is laughable.
Also if you do take that person back, what are you going to think every time they go out for the night, have a business trip or just don't reply to their messages? I couldn't spend my life worrying that the person might cheat again.
I'd just tell them to leave and don't let the door hit them on the arse on the way out.
RB Will said:
Thought inspired by another ongoing thread.
How do people go about knowing their partner cheated on them and get over it and carry on the relationship as was?
Thankfully not had to deal with it personally but trying to put myself in others shoes and I can’t see myself ever being able to do it, it would just eat me up inside.
Examples from various people I know range from seemingly complete over it and marriage has carried on for years and still going strong to it absolutely tearing the person who was cheated on apart for years before they finally quit.
Don’t really want to risk upsetting the applecart asking the person I know how they do it so asking the wisdom of PH for your experiences.
Have you been cheated on, did you get over it, did you cheat on someone and they got over it
Yes,How do people go about knowing their partner cheated on them and get over it and carry on the relationship as was?
Thankfully not had to deal with it personally but trying to put myself in others shoes and I can’t see myself ever being able to do it, it would just eat me up inside.
Examples from various people I know range from seemingly complete over it and marriage has carried on for years and still going strong to it absolutely tearing the person who was cheated on apart for years before they finally quit.
Don’t really want to risk upsetting the applecart asking the person I know how they do it so asking the wisdom of PH for your experiences.
Have you been cheated on, did you get over it, did you cheat on someone and they got over it
No, It took a few months then eventually realised I didnt really care for her anymore, relationship ended shortly after.
Yes, we got back together, didnt work out.
Imo, i dont think its possible, well for me its not... when that trust is broken whats the point.
Hows the saying go, You can fix a broken mirror but you can still see the cracks.
Joey Deacon said:
Personally I wouldn't if they cheated once then they will do it again. If they could cheat on you that easily without a second thought then they clearly don't actually respect or care for you.
Yep, I agree with this. Maybe easy to say when you’re not in the situation but I really couldn’t or wouldn’t forgive. And my wife wouldn’t either. I guess it depends if the individuals being cheated on can sometimes take responsibility for the other seeking comfort elsewhere.
I feel for folk where the betrayal comes from nowhere but, have seen a lot in my circle where partners are neglected / taken for granted.
Sometimes it’s a wake up call for folks to change their ways.
I feel for folk where the betrayal comes from nowhere but, have seen a lot in my circle where partners are neglected / taken for granted.
Sometimes it’s a wake up call for folks to change their ways.
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