Friends dropping off / becoming reclusive/insular
Discussion
I've kinda just realised that over the last year or so the only people I see outside of work is my wife/kid and the people at the swimming club (and you don't really see those guys outside of that and you spend most of the time swimming anyway!). It really kind of feels like having no friends. Some do chat every now and then via Whatsapp and when we do manage to see each other, it genuinely feels like we just saw each other yesterday. Others have more or less retreated without saying much and have stopped making effort of any kind, not just with us, but the whole friendship group. Yet they always leave at least one thread hanging in there (i.e. remaining in whatsapp groups and randomly chiming in once in a blue moon to no one in particular).
I guess this is quite common, especially around that time of life when the career is going and people are getting married and starting families. Perhaps this causes a bit of resentment in those who haven't got those things or can't have those things. Many of our group are also spread around the country/world so that makes it difficult to do things on a whim.
But how do you deal with it? As a group we used to do a lot of things together, but its slowly drifting apart now. Maybe this is just the natural way of things as sad as it feels.
I guess this is quite common, especially around that time of life when the career is going and people are getting married and starting families. Perhaps this causes a bit of resentment in those who haven't got those things or can't have those things. Many of our group are also spread around the country/world so that makes it difficult to do things on a whim.
But how do you deal with it? As a group we used to do a lot of things together, but its slowly drifting apart now. Maybe this is just the natural way of things as sad as it feels.
Pretty natural really.
Appears you're slightly younger than me (I'm 42), but some of my friends (and me) are now getting to the age where you can re-start a social / sporting life away from the young family.
Traditional childhood friendships are tough to maintain as the glue that kept you together (usually socialising around drink) is probably the one thing that the majority have cut down on as hangovers with young children don't really mix. I still meet up with some childhood friends now, but it's down to a shared activity (a couple of friends that I Golf with pretty much weekly) and one where ours kids play Football.
I have zero in common with some of my other friends and you know what, that's fine. People drift apart, friends come and friends go.
I'm a natural introvert, so having a small but tighter group suits me fine.
Appears you're slightly younger than me (I'm 42), but some of my friends (and me) are now getting to the age where you can re-start a social / sporting life away from the young family.
Traditional childhood friendships are tough to maintain as the glue that kept you together (usually socialising around drink) is probably the one thing that the majority have cut down on as hangovers with young children don't really mix. I still meet up with some childhood friends now, but it's down to a shared activity (a couple of friends that I Golf with pretty much weekly) and one where ours kids play Football.
I have zero in common with some of my other friends and you know what, that's fine. People drift apart, friends come and friends go.
I'm a natural introvert, so having a small but tighter group suits me fine.
I'm guessing you're in your 30s, or early 40s.
Quite a common thing. Nothing to fret about. Your mates are still your mates, it's just your lives move off on different tangents for a while.
Me and OH had a very tight bunch of mates pre kids. We all had kids at roughly the same time so would get together on birthdays and the like but the weekends away, holidays together and mid-week drinks petered out, as did the birthday get togethers. All our kids are grown up now and two years ago at the funeral of one of our mate's parents, we pledged to reengage and meet up once a month. We've stuck to this arrangement which works very well.
Quite a common thing. Nothing to fret about. Your mates are still your mates, it's just your lives move off on different tangents for a while.
Me and OH had a very tight bunch of mates pre kids. We all had kids at roughly the same time so would get together on birthdays and the like but the weekends away, holidays together and mid-week drinks petered out, as did the birthday get togethers. All our kids are grown up now and two years ago at the funeral of one of our mate's parents, we pledged to reengage and meet up once a month. We've stuck to this arrangement which works very well.
StevieBee said:
I'm guessing you're in your 30s, or early 40s.
Quite a common thing. Nothing to fret about. Your mates are still your mates, it's just your lives move off on different tangents for a while.
Me and OH had a very tight bunch of mates pre kids. We all had kids at roughly the same time so would get together on birthdays and the like but the weekends away, holidays together and mid-week drinks petered out, as did the birthday get togethers. All our kids are grown up now and two years ago at the funeral of one of our mate's parents, we pledged to reengage and meet up once a month. We've stuck to this arrangement which works very well.
Yeah that sounds like a realistic plan. I am late 30s by the way. I think I always knew kids would be a financial drain but I don't think much prepares you for the amount of time they cost you! They're at nursery whilst you're at work and after that you're fully engaged with them making sure they stay alive!Quite a common thing. Nothing to fret about. Your mates are still your mates, it's just your lives move off on different tangents for a while.
Me and OH had a very tight bunch of mates pre kids. We all had kids at roughly the same time so would get together on birthdays and the like but the weekends away, holidays together and mid-week drinks petered out, as did the birthday get togethers. All our kids are grown up now and two years ago at the funeral of one of our mate's parents, we pledged to reengage and meet up once a month. We've stuck to this arrangement which works very well.
Other than one of my friends, I consider myself as the "social glue" that keeps us meeting up. If it wasn't for me organising rides out / bike trips or even garden parties, I don't think we'd see each other more than twice a year.
I sometimes get a bit pissed off having to be the one who does the organising, but sometimes its good when they appreciate it and get the recognition when the trips come off.
As already said above, keep at it
I sometimes get a bit pissed off having to be the one who does the organising, but sometimes its good when they appreciate it and get the recognition when the trips come off.
As already said above, keep at it
Douglas Quaid said:
You have to make a big effort to call your friends and meet up regularly. Otherwise it all just falls apart. Make the effort and you’ll be ok.
Yes - I'm (well) into my 50s now and one quite common thing is for friends to have routine meet-ups with certain groups/people once a month/6 months/year. Perhaps attached to a particular place or a weekend away. Seems a bit fake but it stops them drifting apart.Douglas Quaid said:
You have to make a big effort to call your friends and meet up regularly. Otherwise it all just falls apart. Make the effort and you’ll be ok.
Nah, then you get the reputation for being clingy, desperate and bossy, you'll soon tire of being the only person in your group organising get-togethers and occasions.
If a social group forms naturally it will drift apart in the same manner.
Douglas Quaid said:
You have to make a big effort to call your friends and meet up regularly. Otherwise it all just falls apart. Make the effort and you’ll be ok.
Well, I didn't mention it, but we are usually the ones trying to make plans and often getting stonewalled. We have just stopped trying with some because it's entirely one way these days. So we just stopped so we don't seem like we're pestering and just focus on those who still respond!Unfortunately it's a common thing that happens to a lot of people. Everyday life seems to get in the way and it's easy to let old relationships get put into the background. I spend more time with my family and extended family than any of my old friends. I still just about keep in contact with some old school friends from over 30 years ago but one seems to have fallen off the radar which is a pity as he's the one that lives closest to me.
Very common unfortunately. I don't think the modern world helps much where people see socialising as typing on a Whatsapp group.
I make a conscious effort to see my old uni mates once a year and I have a close group of friends locally but we rarely meet up anymore. The weekend comes and most of us have already got our plans laid out for us. If I have any spare time I'll get out on my bike - generally alone or with 1 or 2 mates but even that is a PITA to organise.
I am attending a college reunion next month though so it will be interesting to see what my good friends at the time are doing 25 years later.
Other friends have been and gone, for no reason other than drifting apart other than the odd one or two who crossed a line and won't ever be welcomed back in.
I make a conscious effort to see my old uni mates once a year and I have a close group of friends locally but we rarely meet up anymore. The weekend comes and most of us have already got our plans laid out for us. If I have any spare time I'll get out on my bike - generally alone or with 1 or 2 mates but even that is a PITA to organise.
I am attending a college reunion next month though so it will be interesting to see what my good friends at the time are doing 25 years later.
Other friends have been and gone, for no reason other than drifting apart other than the odd one or two who crossed a line and won't ever be welcomed back in.
My mates and I do an annual holiday.
Everyone has differing priorities & limitations on money now so we agree a fairly nominal amount, two people in the group organise a holiday for everyone using the agreed-upon funds & then the next year another pair organise it.
Has worked out pretty well so far, as everyone gets around 9-12 months notice it's easy to plan, financially.
It at least keeps people in touch once a year.
Everyone has differing priorities & limitations on money now so we agree a fairly nominal amount, two people in the group organise a holiday for everyone using the agreed-upon funds & then the next year another pair organise it.
Has worked out pretty well so far, as everyone gets around 9-12 months notice it's easy to plan, financially.
It at least keeps people in touch once a year.
I definitely dropped off during my 30's as life took over, mainly having children which took up all of my time outside of work and I was probably working longer hours also.
When I got to 40 although it wasn't a deliberate thing related to my age, more to do with the kids being a little older I found I have more time again to meet up with my friends, we have maintained the same group and are now doing more again, meeting up, trips away once or twice a year etc.
When I got to 40 although it wasn't a deliberate thing related to my age, more to do with the kids being a little older I found I have more time again to meet up with my friends, we have maintained the same group and are now doing more again, meeting up, trips away once or twice a year etc.
Now in my 60's my family has grown to the point where that and work takes up all of my time so it's not even an issue. I do still see a couple of people that I grew up with and still have a lot of old school friends on social media but we've absolutely nothing in common so they are kept at arms length. You get to the point later in life when you stop giving a sh#t.
Working night shifts and weekends made it difficult to keep some of the friends I once had. Not being able to join them on nights out or weekends away because I was working saw a gradual reduction in invites over the years. I guess there's only so many times folk accept a declined invite before they start to think that maybe I don't want to see them?
I've had very close friendships with folk at work over the years, but as people move on to work in other departments of the same firm I've noticed these friendships die off, making me wonder how genuine those friendships actually were.
I retire in less than 3yrs and I anticipate that over the decades I have worked for the same firm I will probably only be keeping in touch with about 3 people, or to be more accurate only 3 people will be prepared to keep in touch with me.
I've had very close friendships with folk at work over the years, but as people move on to work in other departments of the same firm I've noticed these friendships die off, making me wonder how genuine those friendships actually were.
I retire in less than 3yrs and I anticipate that over the decades I have worked for the same firm I will probably only be keeping in touch with about 3 people, or to be more accurate only 3 people will be prepared to keep in touch with me.
People change.
If you are 20 at Uni you probably would have 20/30 people at least to hang out with.
By your forties/fifties most people are married off/ moved to another part of the country etc.
That's life. It's perfectly normal.
Thanks to the wonders pf the internet, you can still keep in touch with them if you wish to.
If you are 20 at Uni you probably would have 20/30 people at least to hang out with.
By your forties/fifties most people are married off/ moved to another part of the country etc.
That's life. It's perfectly normal.
Thanks to the wonders pf the internet, you can still keep in touch with them if you wish to.
bristolracer said:
I saw an old friend I hadn't seen for 7/8 years last weekend.
We had drink, reminisced about old times. I realised that the only thing we have in common was the old days.
Not sure that there’s much need to meet up again anytime soon.
I think it's an interesting one - would we have more in common if we did more things with the person whom we only have 'the good old days' things in common with now? We had drink, reminisced about old times. I realised that the only thing we have in common was the old days.
Not sure that there’s much need to meet up again anytime soon.
Or should we accept that we have friends at a point in time due to the activities of the time, and when those activities change, our friendship group naturally changes because there is only so long you can hang relationships off 'the good old days'?
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