Teenage daughter. At wits end
Discussion
TL:DR
Are they all so bloody horrible?
I remember the days when I had such a sweet daughter. Kind, caring, polite, charismatic, loving, affectionate, helpful, intelligent, well behaved etc. But now, besides the way that she looks, she’s unrecognisable to me.
To give a few examples,
She’s been learning French for the past nearly three years, but cannot count to three in French, or say ‘je m’apple’.
She doesn’t know what 7+2 is, despite winning a regional maths competition when she was at Junior School, (against kids two years older than her).
She speaks, well, yells at everyone like they’re a piece of crap, including her boyfriend. When I tried to calmly explain to her that boys don’t like being yelled at for no reason, I was told to f
k off and it had nothing to do with me.
My Mother, (who lives with us), made her one of her favourite meals for tea, (a delicious, homemade salmon and broccoli pie). When my Mother shouted upstairs to tell my daughter that dinner would be on the table in two minutes, my daughter screamed at my Mother to “fk off”.
She never asks for anything. She demands it, (“I want !”). Please, thank you, or any degree of manners, courtesy or appreciation are lost concepts.
My late-Father has left his entire, substantial estate to my daughter. It’s a highly complex and unique legal minefield that has cost us a whisker under £73k over the last three years, money that I have made clear to my daughter I will never seek to reclaim from her inheritance. My Wife and I both work two full time jobs to cover the ongoing expenses of sorting out this skillfuly and purposely designed legal quagmire. Not once has my daughter said thank you or expressed any kind of gratitude or even sadness that her Grandfather has passed.
My Wife’s parents are from foreign lands. They don’t speak a word of English. My daughter refuses to try and learn a single word of their tongue in order to communicate with them, despite them utterly doting over her. Due to the nature of my FiL work, he can’t come to the U.K.
My daughter went on a field trip with school yesterday. Upon asking her if she enjoyed it and what she did, I was screamed at to ‘shut the fk up and fk off out of the house’ before she stormed out of the kitchen. 
Her punctuality and attendance at school are in the toilet. Her attitude to learning is dreadful. Her formally large friend group is steadily dropping her like a stone. She goes out of her way to be belligerent, rude, disrespectful and unkind.
And I’ve saved the best until last……
She made the most heinous allegation against me to Social Services.
This was fully investigated by the Police, healthcare workers, social services, psychologists and the school. I cooperated fully. The conclusion of this in-depth and prolonged investigation was that there was ‘no case to answer’ and that the allegations against me were ‘baseless and without merit’. Understandably this has had a huge impact upon my relationship with my Wife, to the point where I don’t even feel comfortable being affectionate or intimate towards her, (my Wife).
These allegations almost cost me my job. I’ve seen what happens to child sex offenders in prison. If I had been remanded in custody over this I’d have certainly come to serious physical harm, potentially even killed.
Whilst I am far from perfect, I do believe that it’s important to just try and be nice to people. People could rightly say a lot of negative things about me, most of which would be true, but I’ve always believed that having good manners and trying to be nice to people is virtuous. These are positive attributes that I’ve always tried to install upon my daughter. This isn’t a girl that’s been dragged up, semi feral on some rough estate.
In conclusion, are all teenage girls nasty pieces of work, rotten to their very core, or is it just mine? Will she ever grow out of this? Or is it just ingrained in her personality to be lazy, ungrateful and nasty to everyone she knows? Purposely going out of her way to upset as many people as possible in life.
Are they all so bloody horrible?
I remember the days when I had such a sweet daughter. Kind, caring, polite, charismatic, loving, affectionate, helpful, intelligent, well behaved etc. But now, besides the way that she looks, she’s unrecognisable to me.
To give a few examples,
She’s been learning French for the past nearly three years, but cannot count to three in French, or say ‘je m’apple’.
She doesn’t know what 7+2 is, despite winning a regional maths competition when she was at Junior School, (against kids two years older than her).
She speaks, well, yells at everyone like they’re a piece of crap, including her boyfriend. When I tried to calmly explain to her that boys don’t like being yelled at for no reason, I was told to f
k off and it had nothing to do with me.My Mother, (who lives with us), made her one of her favourite meals for tea, (a delicious, homemade salmon and broccoli pie). When my Mother shouted upstairs to tell my daughter that dinner would be on the table in two minutes, my daughter screamed at my Mother to “f
k off”.She never asks for anything. She demands it, (“I want !”). Please, thank you, or any degree of manners, courtesy or appreciation are lost concepts.
My late-Father has left his entire, substantial estate to my daughter. It’s a highly complex and unique legal minefield that has cost us a whisker under £73k over the last three years, money that I have made clear to my daughter I will never seek to reclaim from her inheritance. My Wife and I both work two full time jobs to cover the ongoing expenses of sorting out this skillfuly and purposely designed legal quagmire. Not once has my daughter said thank you or expressed any kind of gratitude or even sadness that her Grandfather has passed.
My Wife’s parents are from foreign lands. They don’t speak a word of English. My daughter refuses to try and learn a single word of their tongue in order to communicate with them, despite them utterly doting over her. Due to the nature of my FiL work, he can’t come to the U.K.
My daughter went on a field trip with school yesterday. Upon asking her if she enjoyed it and what she did, I was screamed at to ‘shut the f
k up and fk off out of the house’ before she stormed out of the kitchen. Her punctuality and attendance at school are in the toilet. Her attitude to learning is dreadful. Her formally large friend group is steadily dropping her like a stone. She goes out of her way to be belligerent, rude, disrespectful and unkind.
And I’ve saved the best until last……
She made the most heinous allegation against me to Social Services.
This was fully investigated by the Police, healthcare workers, social services, psychologists and the school. I cooperated fully. The conclusion of this in-depth and prolonged investigation was that there was ‘no case to answer’ and that the allegations against me were ‘baseless and without merit’. Understandably this has had a huge impact upon my relationship with my Wife, to the point where I don’t even feel comfortable being affectionate or intimate towards her, (my Wife).
These allegations almost cost me my job. I’ve seen what happens to child sex offenders in prison. If I had been remanded in custody over this I’d have certainly come to serious physical harm, potentially even killed.
Whilst I am far from perfect, I do believe that it’s important to just try and be nice to people. People could rightly say a lot of negative things about me, most of which would be true, but I’ve always believed that having good manners and trying to be nice to people is virtuous. These are positive attributes that I’ve always tried to install upon my daughter. This isn’t a girl that’s been dragged up, semi feral on some rough estate.
In conclusion, are all teenage girls nasty pieces of work, rotten to their very core, or is it just mine? Will she ever grow out of this? Or is it just ingrained in her personality to be lazy, ungrateful and nasty to everyone she knows? Purposely going out of her way to upset as many people as possible in life.
They are certainly not all like that. Is she old enough to leave home? We all want to care for our children, but there comes a point where they have crossed lines to many times, and perhaps its time to send them on their way. This could be a lot better for you, but it could also be better for her. You often don't realize how good you have it until you have to provide for yourself.
Umm no, they're not all like that.
Do you think this large inheritance has had an effect on her?
Mrs Puggit used to have wild mood swings, but fortunately she was able to see she was having issues and sought professional help. She's now on medication and never wishes to come off it (she tried once - it didn't work).
Do you think this large inheritance has had an effect on her?
Mrs Puggit used to have wild mood swings, but fortunately she was able to see she was having issues and sought professional help. She's now on medication and never wishes to come off it (she tried once - it didn't work).
Wow, so sorry to hear. I can’t offer any advice other than to say is there something going on you don’t know about? Has something happened to her? Does she have any friends you could speak to/teachers?
It sounds like some sort of therapy could be useful for her, but also that she’d likely not respond well to any suggestion from you.
Really harsh situation, good luck! Big hugs.
It sounds like some sort of therapy could be useful for her, but also that she’d likely not respond well to any suggestion from you.
Really harsh situation, good luck! Big hugs.
I realise this will be as much use as tits on a bull but genuinely sorry to hear you’re having such a nightmare. I also have a teenage daughter and whilst she’s surly and rude at times, she hasn’t gone to those depths.
I’m going through my own nightmare (my own doing) and just wanted to say best of luck and I hope with time that she finds herself and remembers everything you’ve taught her.
I’m going through my own nightmare (my own doing) and just wanted to say best of luck and I hope with time that she finds herself and remembers everything you’ve taught her.
105.......I'm going to be blunt.
I trust from your posting history that you're a man who appreciates people be frank and to the point. Take this constructively.
Do you think that your poor relationship with your daughter is a result of you working every hour God sends, 7 days a week, instead of spending actual time with her?
I trust from your posting history that you're a man who appreciates people be frank and to the point. Take this constructively.
Do you think that your poor relationship with your daughter is a result of you working every hour God sends, 7 days a week, instead of spending actual time with her?
I think she needs some help. This is not the behaviour of a person that knows who they are and is happy in themself.
Unfortunately I suspect there is something rather serious going on that you have yet to figure out.
I’m not going to speculate on what it could be. But you really do need to do something to help her open up.
The false allegation seems like an enormous issue to have hanging between you. If you know it’s false, then she obviously also does. Whatever lies behind that is probably quite important.
Unfortunately I suspect there is something rather serious going on that you have yet to figure out.
I’m not going to speculate on what it could be. But you really do need to do something to help her open up.
The false allegation seems like an enormous issue to have hanging between you. If you know it’s false, then she obviously also does. Whatever lies behind that is probably quite important.
I had some peculiar behaviour as a teenage lad, but thankfully I wasn't horrible. I was later diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and a comorbid personality disorder. Girls, especially hormonal teenage ones are bad enough at the best of times. If there's something like Border Line Personality disorder at play, then it's 100 times worse.
The change in behaviour and the allegation made against you sound horrendous. There's no possibility of her having experienced abuse at the hands of another? Abuse victims often have a change in behaviour and take their aggression out on those closest to them and some make outlandish accusations. I've witnessed this with a cousin and it was horrendous.
It sounds like an absolute nightmare. I hope you're able to make things improve for everyone involved.
The change in behaviour and the allegation made against you sound horrendous. There's no possibility of her having experienced abuse at the hands of another? Abuse victims often have a change in behaviour and take their aggression out on those closest to them and some make outlandish accusations. I've witnessed this with a cousin and it was horrendous.
It sounds like an absolute nightmare. I hope you're able to make things improve for everyone involved.
That all sounds very familiar - you have my sympathies!
Funnily enough, I spent a similar amount securing an inheritance my mother left my daughter - zero thanks, only a "when do I get the money?". I didn't charge her for all the costs.
My daughter spent several years on social media saying "my dad is a c*unt" "I hate my dad" etc - all monitored and approved by her mother.
I got divorced 8 years ago and haven't seen or heard from my daughter since. My ex wife has been key to poisoning her views.
Whilst not relevant in your case, I learned the lesson a while ago that you have to let go of those that don't love you - it's quite liberating!
Hopefully, in your case, you and your wife are a 'team' when dealing with your daughter - I think this is fairly key.
Funnily enough, I spent a similar amount securing an inheritance my mother left my daughter - zero thanks, only a "when do I get the money?". I didn't charge her for all the costs.
My daughter spent several years on social media saying "my dad is a c*unt" "I hate my dad" etc - all monitored and approved by her mother.
I got divorced 8 years ago and haven't seen or heard from my daughter since. My ex wife has been key to poisoning her views.
Whilst not relevant in your case, I learned the lesson a while ago that you have to let go of those that don't love you - it's quite liberating!
Hopefully, in your case, you and your wife are a 'team' when dealing with your daughter - I think this is fairly key.
Wow, this sounds horrible. Can't imagine how that would feel if I was in the same boat. As a teenage boy I was a pin in the arse. I would say a bit of each of the Inbetweeners kids in the sitcom. Most of it was never meant and had moments of anger mixed with moments of affection, i think more affection than animosity.
If it is as bad as you say then you probably need help as you are not dealing with a rational persons right now and that will make it worse.
If it is as bad as you say then you probably need help as you are not dealing with a rational persons right now and that will make it worse.
Broadly speaking kids drift away as teenagers and then come back in their 20's.
That said there's clearly more going on. Does her mum get the same treatment?
Might be time for her to move out. Assuming the inheritance is large if you've spent over £70k on legal fees, doesn't sound like she'll be destitute at any rate.
That said there's clearly more going on. Does her mum get the same treatment?
Might be time for her to move out. Assuming the inheritance is large if you've spent over £70k on legal fees, doesn't sound like she'll be destitute at any rate.
Spare the rod, spoil the child.
You now need professional help - your daughter will not go willingly but you will have to be strong and stubborn on this. I would ensure the inheritance is withheld until a suitable course of therapy is completed.
It will be an unpopular but good strong discipline is the key to a good relationship with your children as they are growing up. (this does not mean you need to beat them but there have to be real meaningful consequences to bad behaviour or broken rules)
You now need professional help - your daughter will not go willingly but you will have to be strong and stubborn on this. I would ensure the inheritance is withheld until a suitable course of therapy is completed.
It will be an unpopular but good strong discipline is the key to a good relationship with your children as they are growing up. (this does not mean you need to beat them but there have to be real meaningful consequences to bad behaviour or broken rules)
Time4another said:
I'd be seeking professional help, it sounds too far down the line to pull it back alone. If she is old enough I'd be considering it time for her to learn to stand on her own 2 feet. Wouldn't be tolerating that kind of disrespect in my own house.
^^^But also restrict her phone/internet/TV usage if she's hiding in her room. She's clearly not studying in there. If she wants to hide in her room, she can read a book. Like Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.
As others have said, something going on in the background that you don’t know about. From the allegation against you it could be sexual abuse. A friend’s daughter got groomed then raped by three people she met online when she was 14, which sent her into a tailspin.
It might just be hormones and society. My daughter has explained to me what a nightmare it is to be a teenage girl now if for are don’t look perfect and fit in with body images pushed at you every day. She says that most of the guys she knows also have body issues too.
Getting her to open up will be a problem. I am very very close to my daughter and she told me recently of stuff she hid from me. It doesn’t sound like you are starting from the same position.
Good luck.
It might just be hormones and society. My daughter has explained to me what a nightmare it is to be a teenage girl now if for are don’t look perfect and fit in with body images pushed at you every day. She says that most of the guys she knows also have body issues too.
Getting her to open up will be a problem. I am very very close to my daughter and she told me recently of stuff she hid from me. It doesn’t sound like you are starting from the same position.
Good luck.
imo, we tend to teach people how to treat us. I've got friends whose teenage children act up like this - swearing at parents etc - and they just shrug as if they can't do anything about it. I'd like to think I'd not put up with this (easier said than done, I know).
I've actually had an easy ride - three boys - all pretty well behaved, but in part I think this is because we didn't allow bad behaviour early on.
notwithstanding she could have an actual personality issue, bi-polar etc, it could just be the result of a slippery slope of letting small things slide - easy to do if you've got a busy life. Reversing this now is a tall order without you coming off as the a**hole.
it's not an easy one and you have my sympathies.
ps - as for gratitude, it's always been a bit of a bugbear of mine. Kids are inherently self-centred and my better half always has to remind me not to expect too much by way of gratitude at this stage - one day, once they've had a bit of life experience, they'll realise what's been done for them, but this may be years down the road yet!
I've actually had an easy ride - three boys - all pretty well behaved, but in part I think this is because we didn't allow bad behaviour early on.
notwithstanding she could have an actual personality issue, bi-polar etc, it could just be the result of a slippery slope of letting small things slide - easy to do if you've got a busy life. Reversing this now is a tall order without you coming off as the a**hole.
it's not an easy one and you have my sympathies.
ps - as for gratitude, it's always been a bit of a bugbear of mine. Kids are inherently self-centred and my better half always has to remind me not to expect too much by way of gratitude at this stage - one day, once they've had a bit of life experience, they'll realise what's been done for them, but this may be years down the road yet!
I’ll try and write a fuller, more useful, reply later - but we have a 14 year old boy with milder versions of most of those behaviours.
Again, idyllic child - brief example, at middle school I was sought out by another parent to thank me for how my son had protected her daughter (very small, some mobility problems) from bullying for the past two years, and gone out of his way to always include her in playground activities,
Now . . . . well, one thought is that on the outside he’s tall, athletic, could pass for eighteen and - if he actually smiled - wouldn’t look out of place on a photo shoot for men’s perfume!
But he’s actually a child on the inside. He’s inherited physical attributes from his mum’s family, but unfortunately insecurity from me. Add to that a cocktail of hormones and some really “unhelpful” friendships and there’s a constant wafer thin line between healthy progression in life, and Depression and rage.
Again, idyllic child - brief example, at middle school I was sought out by another parent to thank me for how my son had protected her daughter (very small, some mobility problems) from bullying for the past two years, and gone out of his way to always include her in playground activities,
Now . . . . well, one thought is that on the outside he’s tall, athletic, could pass for eighteen and - if he actually smiled - wouldn’t look out of place on a photo shoot for men’s perfume!
But he’s actually a child on the inside. He’s inherited physical attributes from his mum’s family, but unfortunately insecurity from me. Add to that a cocktail of hormones and some really “unhelpful” friendships and there’s a constant wafer thin line between healthy progression in life, and Depression and rage.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff