Getting older and having an incredibly hard time (Autism)

[CoffeeGuy]

Hey Everyone,

I didn't realise until recently that 85% of the Autistic population do not work! I have worked since leaving Uni and have only ever had a 3 month gap in employment over the last 25 or so years.

As a diagnosed moderately autistic person Masking my true self is getting harder and harder and when I finish the day I can honestly say I am completely mentally exhausted. I'm at the stage where I would like to quit but I realistically can't. I realise I am on he edge of a proper (read full on violent physical autistic meltdown). I don't know how to handle it because trying to get help is like wading through tar and no one really gets it.

I don't want to get to a crisis point but I just want to be left alone to do the work I am good at. I don't want to be dragged into stuff that is going to leave me even more mentally broken. A different DevOps job may be an idea but unfortunately I am very unlikely to get the same perks and benefits I get now, being here for over 2 decades.

Any suggestions?

[QuartzDad]

If you've been there over 20 years I assuming you know your stuff and you get stuff done.

"Hey boss, having to do x, y and z is really, really pissing me off. Can I carry on doing a great job on a, b and c and maybe take on d, e and f instead of x, y, z?"

[StevieBee]

You need to speak openly and honestly with your employer.

The world is different to what it was 25 years ago; more aware, more accommodating and more compassionate towards all manner of neurodivergent people.

So start with your boss. Explain the situation. And judge the next steps from there.

Good luck.

[Somewhatfoolish]

CoffeeGuy said:

(read full on violent physical autistic meltdown).

Any suggestions?

Second the suggestions to speak to boss but also be careful not to phrase it like this (i.e. don't say/write it in a way it can be misconstrued as any risk of being violent).

A good DevOps engineer is like hen's teeth so I wouldn't worry about finding another job either.

[Granadier]

If you're experienced and valued there, could you have a meeting with management and ask to have your role remodelled to suit you better? Eg maybe focusing more on the technical side with less direct interaction with others? I'd have thought if you explain your situation and concerns honestly to management/HR, they might work with you to find a compromise... Or, if you can afford it, ask to go part-time if that would lessen the burden, or ask to work from home if you don't already? Just a few suggestions, sorry probably obvious.

[SydneyBridge]

I am 54 and got diagnosed autistic a few years ago, just at the start of covid

My employers got Occupational health to asses me and I am a protected employee

Life is a lot easier now woking at home but you need to have some stratagies in place, can you work from home at all?

[JayBM]

CoffeeGuy said:

Hey Everyone,

I didn't realise until recently that 85% of the Autistic population do not work! I have worked since leaving Uni and have only ever had a 3 month gap in employment over the last 25 or so years.

As a diagnosed moderately autistic person Masking my true self is getting harder and harder and when I finish the day I can honestly say I am completely mentally exhausted. I'm at the stage where I would like to quit but I realistically can't. I realise I am on he edge of a proper (read full on violent physical autistic meltdown). I don't know how to handle it because trying to get help is like wading through tar and no one really gets it.

I don't want to get to a crisis point but I just want to be left alone to do the work I am good at. I don't want to be dragged into stuff that is going to leave me even more mentally broken. A different DevOps job may be an idea but unfortunately I am very unlikely to get the same perks and benefits I get now, being here for over 2 decades.

Any suggestions?

Initial question; is your employer aware of your diagnosis?

Two potential considerations/approaches.

As others have said, informally speaking to your boss and explaining how your feeling and what you need to help you avoid a breakdown and continue to succeed in your role. The success of this approach will depend a lot on your boss and the culture within the company. It has worked for me, but the culture in the company around mental health and neurodivergence is as good as I've come across.

The other approach is the more formal one. Autism is a defined as a disability under the Disability Act and therefore your employer would need to consider 'reasonable adjustments' and if this has been assessed you could ask for a formal assessment.

[kevinon]

Some great ideas here.

Last week I did three 1:1 coaching sessions with a twenty year old who is facing similiar issues.

What helped him, was

curiosity about what protectors he has built -up. (masking being just one).
what they are defending against (not just a meltdown, deeper).
How all his defenders / protectors interoperate.
How defenders can be in opposition to each other (exhausting for him)

In summary, we looked inward. We didn't try to change any of his customary protectors. Just built a 'map' or 'logic diagram' of his system.

My most over-used phrase during those sessions? - what (neurons) fire together, wire together.

Outcome for him.
He has more self-acceptance, sees where his frustrations come from, and is feeling more open about how he can navigate interactions.

---

If anything above resonates I'd be very happy to talk. My previous life was in software so I get the context.

[JayBM]

kevinon said:

Some great ideas here.

Last week I did three 1:1 coaching sessions with a twenty year old who is facing similiar issues.

What helped him, was

curiosity about what protectors he has built -up. (masking being just one).
what they are defending against (not just a meltdown, deeper).
How all his defenders / protectors interoperate.
How defenders can be in opposition to each other (exhausting for him)

In summary, we looked inward. We didn't try to change any of his customary protectors. Just built a 'map' or 'logic diagram' of his system.

My most over-used phrase during those sessions? - what (neurons) fire together, wire together.

Outcome for him.
He has more self-acceptance, sees where his frustrations come from, and is feeling more open about how he can navigate interactions.

---

If anything above resonates I'd be very happy to talk. My previous life was in software so I get the context.

Great advice and offer.

I should have also suggested considerations/strategies outside of the work environment.

A better understanding of you, your needs, your triggers and your coping strategies should help you both in and out of work. For those of us that have either come to a understanding of being neurodivergent later in life or did not receive the necessary support as a child despite an early diagnosis, the journey of begin to understand oneself can be a completely overwhelming one, that can often raise more questions than it does answers.

[CoffeeGuy]

Hello Everyone,

Thanks for the input. Work are very aware. As with most companies a lot of the camaraderie has evaporated as the terms get harder and harder and the perks less and less.

I'd like to also clarify about the violent outbursts.. .Its not and never is towards people.. Its more throwing inanimate objects and pent up frustration. Luckily I WFH so no one actually sees most of them.

I do need to speak to someone but I don't really feel I can do it with my boss right now because our relationship is not what it once was and to be fair to the guy, he is absolutely burnt out from the demands placed upon him (Get rid of people but don't replace them and give their work to others seems to be the M.O of the company... Anyhow...

I have done two things since I posted. Firstly, I have applied for a new job. Scary, but I don't want to be here and be in the same situation in a years time (I don't see it getting better). Secondly, I have reached out to HR and explicitly asked for help. Don't hold out too much hope but we must try these things.

As for Kevinon - I shall be reaching out to talk to him about his gracious offer.

I appreciate all the feedback and if nothing else, it has helped me realise that if I don't change things, they are going to stay the same!

[ian_c_uk]

Say Hi \ have a read through this when you have some time available:

https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...

You will see there are a few of us that have been through or facing the same - it's frustrating but there is support, even if it's just each other!

I know you feel isolated, especially compared to work colleagues - but you are not alone in these challenges. I'm never sure if the statistic of less than 20% diagnosed ASD are in full time employment means I'm beating the odds, or there are a lot of undiagnosed people!

Everyone is different, even those with ASD, but the biggest win for me was to take pressure off myself to "fit in". Allow yourself, slowly, to unmask more, and be honest with those around you. Not only is it legally protected, I have genunely been surprised how understanding and supportive colleagues have been.

For those times when you do have to mask, have a read up on "spoon theory" - try and structure your day where you can have breaks between masking, save energy for later, or just recognise when you need some downtime. I don't think many understand how much concentration and effort it takes to just function with ASD, but try to recognise what it takes *before* you reach burnout.

[voicey]

kevinon said:

Some great ideas here.

Last week I did three 1:1 coaching sessions with a twenty year old who is facing similiar issues.

What helped him, was

curiosity about what protectors he has built -up. (masking being just one).
what they are defending against (not just a meltdown, deeper).
How all his defenders / protectors interoperate.
How defenders can be in opposition to each other (exhausting for him)

In summary, we looked inward. We didn't try to change any of his customary protectors. Just built a 'map' or 'logic diagram' of his system.

My most over-used phrase during those sessions? - what (neurons) fire together, wire together.

Outcome for him.
He has more self-acceptance, sees where his frustrations come from, and is feeling more open about how he can navigate interactions.

---

If anything above resonates I'd be very happy to talk. My previous life was in software so I get the context.

I was going to suggest some kind of coaching - there are people out there who specialise in coaching/mentoring autistic people. Sounds like kevinon is one (my partner is another).

[bergclimber34]

It might be an idea to get a letter or something from an expert you can take with you to someone in HR or a boss you can talk to to back up what you are felling. This adds some weight at least and can possibly help you with things they may ask.

It might look you are pre-empting something, but my take would be this has been on your mind for some time and you are trying to positively prevent something happening to you or that might upset others you work with.

I am presuming you already have people you can talk to about this who understand the condition sorry and would be qualified to do this.

[conanius]

So. I am not a doctor, I'm not a specialist.

I am however, the parent of two neurodiverse children, both with Autism and ADHD diagnoses - and my son also has Tourette's. If I had to guess - because I haven't had a formal assessment, I'd be unsurprised if I had a diagnosis of one of those. I've worked in a very, neurodiverse, set of employers, so it has very much 'normalised' being different. That is no bad thing, and I wish more places were like that.

I spent a lot of my working life not really knowing, and just feeding myself with loads of stimulants like Coffee and Sugar. I'd have heavy dance music on headphones, often the same track on repeat. I'd avoid situations I didn't like/couldn't cope well with, and it was fine.

However, things came to a head when during the build up to tribunal for my daughter's schooling appeal, I had a panic attack.

Without doubt, the best thing I did was go and speak to someone. I've learnt techniques that have transformed my life, and I have no shame in admitting I take a very low dose of something to help me with anxiety. I still regularly see the therapist I was recommended.

It is private rather than NHS, but it's worth every penny.

I can't put a value on how much its changed my life. It is well worth considering, but you need to find someone who you gel with.

I will say, I found Covid and working from home really challenging. I could never do a fully remote role. We are all different, but do consider that when you look at a new role. Hybrid, or even just an office space you can go to and have some sort of relationship with other humans - even just a co working space - might be worth considering.

[The Gauge]

OP, pretty sure your employer has to make reasonable adjustment to accommodate your condition. They do where I work, with some being allowed to work from home, or only expected to do certain types of work etc.

Speak to them and tell them about how things affect you and suggest possible changes they can take for you, that'll make it easier for them to help.

[sparkyhx]

CoffeeGuy said:

Hey Everyone,

I didn't realise until recently that 85% of the Autistic population do not work! I have worked since leaving Uni and have only ever had a 3 month gap in employment over the last 25 or so years.

As a diagnosed moderately autistic person Masking my true self is getting harder and harder and when I finish the day I can honestly say I am completely mentally exhausted. I'm at the stage where I would like to quit but I realistically can't. I realise I am on he edge of a proper (read full on violent physical autistic meltdown). I don't know how to handle it because trying to get help is like wading through tar and no one really gets it.

I don't want to get to a crisis point but I just want to be left alone to do the work I am good at. I don't want to be dragged into stuff that is going to leave me even more mentally broken. A different DevOps job may be an idea but unfortunately I am very unlikely to get the same perks and benefits I get now, being here for over 2 decades.

Any suggestions?

Before people react, yes I know some of the terminology is 'old' and outdated, just like these stats.
However - firstly you are not moderately autistic, you either are or you aren't, you may require low levels of support, other people may experience your autism as moderate, but they are not seeing the real you only the one you present. Nobody knows the daily struggles you go thru to simply 'exist'.

Whilst I've used that statistic myself in the past along with the average life expectancy of of anything from 39-54 years largely to put a point across, but I've not really believed it for some time.for a number of reasons.

• it was always an estimate, so prone to error
• probably quite old and based on the people with more stereotypical presentations who were diagnosed at a younger age due to the more overt presentation. The more overt, the more likely you get weeded out of the application processes particularly at interview. If you sit there rocking, avoiding eye contact, and talking in a rigid monotone voice, then its not surprising people dont want the weird guy, particularly in the past where acceptance was pretty none existent
• if diagnosed early there may be a separate level of accompanying intellectual impairment as well
• even if you manage to do well in education, People in general can be quite skilled in weeding out people at interview that they dont quite get the right vibe from
• lastly and probably the biggest reason, the stats probably don't include the people who have been under the radar until relatively recently, like myself. Late diagnosed individuals that have learnt to mask their symptoms incredibly well and hide in plain sight.

the life expectancy stat has widely been debunked now, the job one is almost certainly wrong. It appears only the allegedly abusive and cruel ABA protagonists still regularly use the stats.

What is a fact is the higher rate of suicides in the autistic population due to

• bullying
• depression
• under/lack of employment
• lack of social interaction/friendship and 'support' networks this could be self imposed (not worth the mental effort and toll/consequences) or simple inability to make or maintain these.
• mental toll of masking

If the 85% was right the whole of the IT industry would have the worlds population of us. :-)

On a more practical note, do your employers know? How 'enlightened' are they?, can you ask for reasonable adjustments? are the issues embedded or temporary? if temp, can you go off sick let the air clear?

Lastly but not leastly - talk to someone, consider AndysManClub, or if you have the money a therapist/counsellor/coaches specialising in Autism, these people have a list of trained and experienced specialists - https://aspireautismconsultancy.co.uk

Edited by sparkyhx on Tuesday 29th April 08:40

[shirt]

kevinon said:

Some great ideas here.

Last week I did three 1:1 coaching sessions with a twenty year old who is facing similiar issues.

What helped him, was

curiosity about what protectors he has built -up. (masking being just one).
what they are defending against (not just a meltdown, deeper).
How all his defenders / protectors interoperate.
How defenders can be in opposition to each other (exhausting for him)

In summary, we looked inward. We didn't try to change any of his customary protectors. Just built a 'map' or 'logic diagram' of his system.

My most over-used phrase during those sessions? - what (neurons) fire together, wire together.

Outcome for him.
He has more self-acceptance, sees where his frustrations come from, and is feeling more open about how he can navigate interactions.

---

If anything above resonates I'd be very happy to talk. My previous life was in software so I get the context.

Not me, but my OH. I think she’d find this extremely helpful. She’s going through burnout at the moment, is frustrated and exhausted, and I’ve no real idea of how to help in a meaningful way.

What’s the best way to contact you to discuss?

[kevinon]

Hi there. I'm sending an email.