Discussion
So a friend's (cough) mother in law has never been the best driver. Her 10 y.o. car has covered few miles, and is serviced to schedule.
It's recently been noted that her car has added some fairly epic scrapes to an already busy canvas. Passenger side corners are now a pastiche of other cars' paint.
The front Yokohamas have recently been replaced with cheap chinese ditch-finders (the ones on the back have plenty of tread and are less than 5 years old), yet already have chunks missing and magnificent gutter rash.
The car pulls quite badly to the left. The undertray has gone. The passenger wing mirror is non-functional.
Grandma rarely drives outside of a small urban loop, unless she's going to visit family.
The friend recently said no to their child travelling a long distance in her car, and caused some affront.
Is there a diplomatic way to handle this?
It's recently been noted that her car has added some fairly epic scrapes to an already busy canvas. Passenger side corners are now a pastiche of other cars' paint.
The front Yokohamas have recently been replaced with cheap chinese ditch-finders (the ones on the back have plenty of tread and are less than 5 years old), yet already have chunks missing and magnificent gutter rash.
The car pulls quite badly to the left. The undertray has gone. The passenger wing mirror is non-functional.
Grandma rarely drives outside of a small urban loop, unless she's going to visit family.
The friend recently said no to their child travelling a long distance in her car, and caused some affront.
Is there a diplomatic way to handle this?
No, this is the hardest conversation to have.
If you're feeling brave you can have a proper conversation - sit them down with a cup of tea and talk it out, if they're at all tech literate then maybe show them how to use uber? These days if you can just order a taxi straight on an app exactly where you want it, it'll be nicer than driving.
If you're feeling brave you can have a proper conversation - sit them down with a cup of tea and talk it out, if they're at all tech literate then maybe show them how to use uber? These days if you can just order a taxi straight on an app exactly where you want it, it'll be nicer than driving.
Krikkit said:
No, this is the hardest conversation to have.
If you're feeling brave you can have a proper conversation - sit them down with a cup of tea and talk it out, if they're at all tech literate then maybe show them how to use uber? These days if you can just order a taxi straight on an app exactly where you want it, it'll be nicer than driving.
Bravery did not go well. The friend is now saddled with an aggrieved MiL, and somehow also responsible for fixing her car. She already uses Uber quite extensively as she's not very mobile, so it's not that causing the upset. If you're feeling brave you can have a proper conversation - sit them down with a cup of tea and talk it out, if they're at all tech literate then maybe show them how to use uber? These days if you can just order a taxi straight on an app exactly where you want it, it'll be nicer than driving.
It's very difficult with ageing family and driving. My grandfather's driving deteriorated quite quickly in his late 70s; he would drive everywhere at 30mph causing great long queues of angry motorists behind him, he would frequently forget where he'd parked his Rover 25, and at one point in a conversation with my father he revealed that he had coverage from three separate breakdown services- but it had slipped his mind to sort out his car insurance so he was driving uninsured! I think either my father or my uncle had to hide the keys until the car could be shifted.
Looking back, these were obviously signs of his then undiagnosed dementia.
Looking back, these were obviously signs of his then undiagnosed dementia.
I may need to have this conversation with my Mum before long.
She owns a purchased from new car that despite its low mileage has had a tough life on the outside. There are a few too many unexplained scrapes and dings for my liking. Either she's causing them and keeping quiet, she's unaware, or her car has some unique magnetism. She no longer drives busy roads or roads like motorways, which is good, but the time can't be far off when she will have to stop. It's not helped by other elderly friends taking advantage and asking for lifts. They are all obstinate in refusing to club together for cabs they could easily afford. Insurance costs may help. Despite no claims, the premiums are starting to get silly.
She owns a purchased from new car that despite its low mileage has had a tough life on the outside. There are a few too many unexplained scrapes and dings for my liking. Either she's causing them and keeping quiet, she's unaware, or her car has some unique magnetism. She no longer drives busy roads or roads like motorways, which is good, but the time can't be far off when she will have to stop. It's not helped by other elderly friends taking advantage and asking for lifts. They are all obstinate in refusing to club together for cabs they could easily afford. Insurance costs may help. Despite no claims, the premiums are starting to get silly.
Edited by Unreal on Wednesday 15th January 12:00
FIL was 86 and the family were very concerned about his lack of spacial awareness and general driving, brought on in part by loss of his wife.
TBH I went out with him and he wasn't too bad once over the long protracted passing.
Did a long drive on a warm day, blacked out and collapsed at the end of it, requiring an ambulance.
Decided three days later to hand in his licence.
Where we used to live, the elderly chap opposite would sometimes end up on the lawn rather than reverse out on a straight driveway. Neighbour had to go rescue the situation. He agreed to quit after a family chat I believe.
OP if you are now taxed with repairing the car, the situation is reasonably clear, you're stuck for a part, can't get one, car disabled......
Someone will thank you for it.
TBH I went out with him and he wasn't too bad once over the long protracted passing.
Did a long drive on a warm day, blacked out and collapsed at the end of it, requiring an ambulance.
Decided three days later to hand in his licence.
Where we used to live, the elderly chap opposite would sometimes end up on the lawn rather than reverse out on a straight driveway. Neighbour had to go rescue the situation. He agreed to quit after a family chat I believe.
OP if you are now taxed with repairing the car, the situation is reasonably clear, you're stuck for a part, can't get one, car disabled......
Someone will thank you for it.
Krikkit said:
All you can really do then is wait for
a) when they realise it's time to hang up the keys (either because of a significant accident or yet another scrape)
b) dob them in to the DVLA - they have an anonymous service to do it, but it'll be obvious who it might be
A really isn't an option for anyone with a conscience. There's every chance they'll never realise. A relative of my wife still gripes about her car being taken away despite being well past the point of knowing the difference between the TV remote a telephone.a) when they realise it's time to hang up the keys (either because of a significant accident or yet another scrape)
b) dob them in to the DVLA - they have an anonymous service to do it, but it'll be obvious who it might be
I don't envy anyone who has to go through deciding this for a parent though. I feel lucky that my parents passed due to physical health problems before mental ones became an issue.
Been through this twice. On both occasions the only way to get them to stop was to offer a better alternative.
For us this ended up with my wife and I initally taking on the role of taxi driver, then gradually we engaged a local taxi firm who were brilliant as they made sure that when possible they always got the same driver.
For us this ended up with my wife and I initally taking on the role of taxi driver, then gradually we engaged a local taxi firm who were brilliant as they made sure that when possible they always got the same driver.
The old boy I nominally work for is 99 in a couple of months and still drives from Chelsea to Brentford four days a week. His 6 month old Audi looks like it's been rolled down a hill and being in a car with him puts hair on your eyes it's so frightening.
We've tried everything, got his family involved, reported him to the DVLA who sent out a form and then did nothing. I really don't know what to do about it, genuinely worried he'll be one of those old fools who crushes some poor sod on a bicycle before too long.
He's rich beyond the dreams of avarice and when he was young had a chauffer so it's not for any economic reason that he won't give it up.
I'm going to make sure I remember this for when I'm old, and try not to behave like this. If it gets to the point someone mentions your driving you can be sure it's not the first time you've scared them!
All the OPs friends and family can do is stay together on the message and maybe all refuse to get in the car with her or let their kids do the same.
We've tried everything, got his family involved, reported him to the DVLA who sent out a form and then did nothing. I really don't know what to do about it, genuinely worried he'll be one of those old fools who crushes some poor sod on a bicycle before too long.
He's rich beyond the dreams of avarice and when he was young had a chauffer so it's not for any economic reason that he won't give it up.
I'm going to make sure I remember this for when I'm old, and try not to behave like this. If it gets to the point someone mentions your driving you can be sure it's not the first time you've scared them!
All the OPs friends and family can do is stay together on the message and maybe all refuse to get in the car with her or let their kids do the same.
Edited by GeniusOfLove on Wednesday 15th January 12:58
My MIL has just agreed to give up her car, 82 years old lost her husband 3 years ago, he used to do most of the driving (everywhere in 3rd gear) after he passed she literally did no more than 100 miles between MOT's. As others have mentioned lack of awareness was the main factor, small scrapes and bumps, car looked like it had been abandoned in a paintball zone by the time she agreed to give up driving. She lives within 3 miles of her daughters and SIL, 6 of the 7 grandchildren all drive and have their own cars, between us all there is 12 cars available if she needs to be anywhere (she rarely wants to go out) she still makes reference to how she can't go to the local shop as she doesn't have a car!
All those random scrapes and knocks your cars pick up over the years, do you think most of them could be caused by a handful of myopic selfish old f
kers?
Everytime I look at my boss's battered Audi I think that for each of it's 8 million dents and scrapes there is some poor sod coming out in the morning to find his car has been clipped.
kers?Everytime I look at my boss's battered Audi I think that for each of it's 8 million dents and scrapes there is some poor sod coming out in the morning to find his car has been clipped.
One of the only things that might help with this would be if the Police/system took more of an interest in people who fail to stop/fail to report an accident.
There's obviously a load of people who knowingly hit something and drive off, but I suspect there's also a lot of elderly people who are scraping innocent people's otherwise unmarked cars and then carrying on with their day, and that this happens on a regular basis. Even if it catches up with them the only punishment is a claim on their record.
If the punishments were more severe for this sort of behaviour - intentional or otherwise - then it wouldn't be too long before both the guilty and the absent-minded would have too many points to drive at all legally. As it is the Police just wash (necessarily due to resources perhaps) their hands of this stuff if both cars are insured.
There's obviously a load of people who knowingly hit something and drive off, but I suspect there's also a lot of elderly people who are scraping innocent people's otherwise unmarked cars and then carrying on with their day, and that this happens on a regular basis. Even if it catches up with them the only punishment is a claim on their record.
If the punishments were more severe for this sort of behaviour - intentional or otherwise - then it wouldn't be too long before both the guilty and the absent-minded would have too many points to drive at all legally. As it is the Police just wash (necessarily due to resources perhaps) their hands of this stuff if both cars are insured.
My MiL's driving is definitely deteriorating. She doesn't drive at night any more as her eyesight isn't up to it. She's still an OK driver and I don't think she's an unreasonable danger to everyone else, but she's both more hesitant and then more impulsive than she used to be. She lives adjacent to us and we share cars, and it's noticeable that the EV's forecast range goes up when I start driving the car after her, and similarly the mpg numbers go up on the ICE cars. This reflects the fact that she's not driving as smoothly as she used to, which I assume means she's not anticipating stuff as well as she did. I fear we may be having difficult conversations in a year or two.
Mine died a couple of years ago. She was that woman who drove everywhere at 40 mph and then felt hard done by because she got a speeding ticket in a 30mph zone. She was tiny and had to have two cushions to see over the steering wheel. She was too frail to pull the handbrake up on her Yaris. However her most irritating feature was always parking in the space next to my car if we were ever on a two car family trip out anywhere, even if the rest of the car park was empty. Occasionally I would wait for her to do this and then I would reverse back out and park elsewhere, cue much sniggering from my passengers.
My MIL lost the car a few times in a carpark, and generally wasnt up to driving anymore,
her newish car had lots of small scrapes all "caused by someone else " we hid her keys after explaining she should not really be driving,
her doctor knew how bad she was but did nothing,
eventually we took the car away to the BILs house,
she rang the police saying it had been stolen by him,
turns out she was nominated free lift driver for half the village, after she didnt have a car her circle of "friends" reduced to about 10%.
her newish car had lots of small scrapes all "caused by someone else " we hid her keys after explaining she should not really be driving,
her doctor knew how bad she was but did nothing,
eventually we took the car away to the BILs house,
she rang the police saying it had been stolen by him,
turns out she was nominated free lift driver for half the village, after she didnt have a car her circle of "friends" reduced to about 10%.
A no win position and either way someone will be upset. And a perceived huge loss of freedom for the MiL. This is a topic I will have to tackle with my dad this year. Fortunately (the wrong word) he has been off the road due to illness, which has prevented him driving for the last year. I expect him just to blank the discussion rather than rationally talk about it.
But, whilst everyone else’s scraped paint is infuriating, I’d be livid, the real risk was brought home to me a couple of years ago. Opposite to us is a close of houses put up in the 80s, may of which have their original owners still living there but very elderly now.
I was walking out with the dog to see police response car parked there one morning. Unfortunately the husband had backed his car out of the garage and run his wife over, killing her. Nice couple and knew them by sight to say hello to.
Regardless of how difficult the conversation, I cannot let either my dad or anyone else go through that. If you have real doubts of her ability, I think you only really have one option.
But, whilst everyone else’s scraped paint is infuriating, I’d be livid, the real risk was brought home to me a couple of years ago. Opposite to us is a close of houses put up in the 80s, may of which have their original owners still living there but very elderly now.
I was walking out with the dog to see police response car parked there one morning. Unfortunately the husband had backed his car out of the garage and run his wife over, killing her. Nice couple and knew them by sight to say hello to.
Regardless of how difficult the conversation, I cannot let either my dad or anyone else go through that. If you have real doubts of her ability, I think you only really have one option.
A very difficult situation.
I used to be a GP, and saw this a lot. Stopping driving means a huge loss of freedom and independence; none of us have an objective view of our driving ability.
GPs have no legal power with regard to a patient keeping their driving licence. They can report them to the DVLA, but it's the DVLA's decision. Making that report can have a negative effect on the doctor-patient relationship. Maintaining that is important for the patient's future care. Also there are issues about the breach of confidentiality.
The idea is that the doctor will advise the patient to inform the DVLA that they have a condition that may mean they are medically unfit to drive. Then the DVLA may suspend the licence pro tem, while they send a form to the GP to be completed and returned to the DVLA. There are a number of targeted forms for this: one for neurological conditions, one for neurological things, one for alcohol abuse, etc.
I once had a patient who was very frail - he used to park his car one pace from his front door as his mobility was so bad. I had grave concerns about his ability to control a car, and eventually persuaded him to have a driving assessment with a proper instructor. Somewhat to my surprise he passed.
Your, sorry, your Friend's M-i-L might be persuaded to try this, and if she doesn't pass, it means the instructor is the baddy, not you. Your friend.
I used to be a GP, and saw this a lot. Stopping driving means a huge loss of freedom and independence; none of us have an objective view of our driving ability.
GPs have no legal power with regard to a patient keeping their driving licence. They can report them to the DVLA, but it's the DVLA's decision. Making that report can have a negative effect on the doctor-patient relationship. Maintaining that is important for the patient's future care. Also there are issues about the breach of confidentiality.
The idea is that the doctor will advise the patient to inform the DVLA that they have a condition that may mean they are medically unfit to drive. Then the DVLA may suspend the licence pro tem, while they send a form to the GP to be completed and returned to the DVLA. There are a number of targeted forms for this: one for neurological conditions, one for neurological things, one for alcohol abuse, etc.
I once had a patient who was very frail - he used to park his car one pace from his front door as his mobility was so bad. I had grave concerns about his ability to control a car, and eventually persuaded him to have a driving assessment with a proper instructor. Somewhat to my surprise he passed.
Your, sorry, your Friend's M-i-L might be persuaded to try this, and if she doesn't pass, it means the instructor is the baddy, not you. Your friend.
Mum is now 90 , until 4 months ago she was driving around London, mostly Putney to Croydon !
Had a conversation about the car and why it looked like she had been banger racing in it. Asked her how she would feel if she seriously injured someone, or even worse. That proved to be enough, bless her.
I now have the extremely low mileage 15 year old Nissan note as my shopper / leave outside pubs etc .
Had a conversation about the car and why it looked like she had been banger racing in it. Asked her how she would feel if she seriously injured someone, or even worse. That proved to be enough, bless her.
I now have the extremely low mileage 15 year old Nissan note as my shopper / leave outside pubs etc .
Gassing Station | General Gassing | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff