Autistic Son - Struggling

[towser]

Hi - looking to bounce things off others who may have more experience in this than me.

My son (11) we think has some level of autism. His behaviour lately is causing my wife and I concern. To summarise :

1) Locks himself away in his room - not unusual for an 11 year old but he seems to self isolate
2) Always wears the same clothes and gets anxious if they are not clean and ready for him
3) Struggles to attend school, it can be battle to get him to go
4) Hates changes to his routine or unplanned activities
5) Shows little interest in new things
6) Is very socially awkward and nervous

Anyway, he's away on holiday right now with my wife, his sister and granny and had a massive, nasty meltdown with my wife this morning. Calling her all kinds of names, criticising her for things that have happened in the past, telling her he hated her etc....seemed to be completely overwhelmed and out of control.

He eventually calmed down and apologised. He would never do this with me as I would push back but his mother is, I guess, much softer and hence takes the brunt of these breakdowns.

We worry he's too isolated and we've made it too easy for him to avoid doing things he doesn't like doing e.g. an impromptu visit to the beach at the weekend for example. We're worried that if he keeps on like this he'll only get worse and more and more isolated.

My wife and I are going to arrange to speak to a counsellor to figure out some coping strategies and get some advice and support. We think, he too, need some sort of mentor or support but we'll take it one step at a time.

This is such a minefield of opinions and worries.

Any advice on he to get him more engaged with life and his family - I'm kind of at my wits end and a bit scared to be honest.

[mike9009]

My 'normal' 12 year old lad can exhibit a lot of similar tendancies. (Shouting abuse at Mum, not engaging sitting in his room for hours (playing on line with friends)) We are not overly worried and just see it as a phase.

Getting him to do any homework each night is an absolute battle. He regularly gets grounded (no computer) for his behaviour at home

At school he is very well behaved though....so it is situational.

Our lad does enjoy school, plays piano, underwater hockey and is a keen footballer too. I think the football really keeps him sane, playing for two different teams in a Saturday and Sunday league. We did encourage this from about 7 years old. He is not the most sociable player though ....

I suppose it is finding the outside interests that will inspire and enthuse him. Is he interested in anything outside of school that you could 'push' a bit more??

[thetapeworm]

It might be the uncertainty / unpredictable nature of the holiday scenario that's caused him to become overwhelmed like this. Removing regular routines and adopting a more relaxed schedule can be quite triggering for someone reliant on conformity.

Feeling overwhelmed or suddenly in the midst of new and busy environments can trigger sensory overload without warning as a tipping point is reached and it's hard to continue masking.

Even having a plan and it not working out or it being changed for any reason can he hard work.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topi...

I hope you and your son find ways to minimise this, I wasn't aware of this stuff back when I was a child but the combination of jangly hormones and neurodiversity must be an absolute tinderbox

[RSTurboPaul]

As noted above, I think it will be hard to distill usual teenager behaviour traits from spectrum traits! Some people are also naturally introverts (see Mayers Briggs, or whatever that test is).

Have you asked your son if he could suggest to you what makes him feel the way he does? (If you can find a way to ask in a way that doesn't sound judgemental or accusing!)

If he is highly intelligent, as it seems many spectrum people are, you could also explain to him why you would like him to do new things and meet new people - even if he still does want to do such things, he would know why you think it might benefit him and that you are trying to help him.

[Pit Pony]

One thing that I've noticed my sister in law does with her very autistic son, is to describe what is going to happen next, explain to him what he might find difficult and ensure he knows what he can do or where he can go if he's overwhelmed, plus constantly adding new experiences so that normal is a bit of unfamiliar.
He's allowed to chill out in his room, but not shut himself away. Routine is that he comes down and helps with all meals and they all sit at the table and talk about their day and what happening next.