Reader s wives
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Nigel_O

Original Poster:

3,406 posts

236 months

Yesterday (21:03)
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Well, at least the thread title made you have a look… ;-)

I suspect I’m a fairly typical PH’er. Early 60s, married, two grown up kids, two grand-kids. Own our modest home, in a modest town in a modest part of the country.

I also suspect that I’m a bit old-fashioned (but not unusual) when it comes to separation of household duties. My wife is now retired, but even when she was working (bloody hard as it happens, looking after someone else’s 5-acre garden) she always did the vast majority of the ‘home-making’. Because I had better earnings potential, I went out and worked silly hours to make ends meet, and Di looked after the kids, the house, the various animals and not least, me. I do the ‘blokey’ stuff around the house, fixing, tinkering, building, etc. I’m called on for anything techy, right down to replacing lightbulbs and oiling squeaky hinges.

Bliss (for me at least…), but Mattyn1’s recent thread (be prepared for it to ‘get a bit dusty’…) has got me thinking - how would I cope if my wife died before me?…

I like to think I could turn my hand to most things, but I have no idea what food the dog eats, or what fabric conditioner to buy. I can work a vacuum cleaner (who knew they worked indoors as well as in cars?…), but the washing machine is a device of complete mystery (I guess I could RTFM..)

So - what are other PH’ers like? Would you (like me) go to pieces, live on takeaways, starve the dog and live in creased clothes for evermore? Or are you much more ‘modern’ and you share all duties with your other half?

I suspect I’ll get told to pull my weight by a few of you, but it won’t be anything I haven’t heard before…

And finally - a shout out to Mattyn1. If I’m unlucky enough to outlive my wife, I hope I can handle it as well as you…

Macneil

1,012 posts

97 months

Yesterday (21:19)
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We were talking about this on the way home earlier, Mrs M has a younger great friend, 30, so the right age to be our daughter. Friend is amazed that I do all holiday bookings, cars, mot, finance etc. But should she die before me, I could look after myself perfectly well.

Whether I'd want to if it were to happen in say, ten years, is a more profound question.

borcy

8,247 posts

73 months

Yesterday (21:22)
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Nigel_O said:
So - what are other PH ers like? Would you (like me) go to pieces, live on takeaways, starve the dog and live in creased clothes for evermore? Or are you much more modern and you share all duties with your other half?

I suspect I ll get told to pull my weight by a few of you, but it won t be anything I haven t heard before

And finally - a shout out to Mattyn1. If I m unlucky enough to outlive my wife, I hope I can handle it as well as you
Why do you find that the in doors stuff is something you can't do? Or just not fancy it?

simon_harris

2,211 posts

51 months

Yesterday (21:31)
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They joke I always have with my wife when we talk about this is that I would be fine, I’d just need to hire more staff…

The reality is that there is nothing in the house that I can’t or don’t know how to do or wouldn’t do if it needed doing.

In practical terms she does more ironing than I do and I do more sorting out cars and general diy than she does.

Nigel_O

Original Poster:

3,406 posts

236 months

Yesterday (21:35)
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borcy said:
Nigel_O said:
So - what are other PH ers like? Would you (like me) go to pieces, live on takeaways, starve the dog and live in creased clothes for evermore? Or are you much more modern and you share all duties with your other half?

I suspect I ll get told to pull my weight by a few of you, but it won t be anything I haven t heard before

And finally - a shout out to Mattyn1. If I m unlucky enough to outlive my wife, I hope I can handle it as well as you
Why do you find that the in doors stuff is something you can't do? Or just not fancy it?
It’s not that I can’t do it, it’s just that I don’t need to because my wife does it. This is what makes me wonder how I’d cope if she suddenly wasn’t capable, or even worse, wasn’t here. I’m sure she’d love it if I did more of the housey stuff, but even at age 63, I’m still working 50+ hours a week,(and enjoying it), trying to top up our pensions ready for retirement. I guess you’re right - I just don’t fancy it and thankfully, my wife is an excellent home-maker - very organised and capable (I’m aware that sounds condescending- it’s not meant to be - we each work to our strengths)

Sheepshanks

37,938 posts

136 months

Yesterday (21:52)
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I'm a little older (68) and our domestic arrangements sound similar. My wife only ever worked part-time after we had kids and she retired at 51.

But I doubt, for example, my wife has ever washed a car. I think she could manage pretty well anything if she wanted to and it annoys the heck out of me that it's almost as if she thinks it's "cute" to pretend she can't do stuff.

I can look after myself and have done when she's been away for up to a week at a time, but I find doing domestic stuff very time consuming and would never make complicated meals like she does.

borcy

8,247 posts

73 months

Yesterday (21:56)
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Nigel_O said:
It s not that I can t do it, it s just that I don t need to because my wife does it. This is what makes me wonder how I d cope if she suddenly wasn t capable, or even worse, wasn t here. I m sure she d love it if I did more of the housey stuff, but even at age 63, I m still working 50+ hours a week,(and enjoying it), trying to top up our pensions ready for retirement. I guess you re right - I just don t fancy it and thankfully, my wife is an excellent home-maker - very organised and capable (I m aware that sounds condescending- it s not meant to be - we each work to our strengths)
I think you'd be fine. I do loads of domestic stuff, it's not difficult or that time consuming.

M4cruiser

4,546 posts

167 months

Yesterday (22:03)
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I suppose I'm a bit old fashioned / traditional also, as I relate to this:-

"I’m a bit old-fashioned (but not unusual) when it comes to separation of household duties. My wife...always did the vast majority of the ‘home-making’. Because I had better earnings potential, I went out and worked silly hours to make ends meet, and Di looked after the kids, the house, the various animals and not least, me. I do the ‘blokey’ stuff around the house, fixing, tinkering, building, etc. I’m called on for anything techy, right down to replacing lightbulbs and oiling squeaky hinges."

... but I can also do stuff around the house if I have to.

What gets me is that wives really don't understand the pressure us blokes have with earning enough to pay the (considerable) sums of a mortgage, council tax, gas bills etc, whilst having a bully for a manager at work.

But to your other question, I could cope very well without her. i can't see the benefit of a financial drain.

Terminator X

18,214 posts

221 months

Yesterday (22:05)
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I'd eventually starve albeit probably after wearing the same un-washed clothes for a month.

TX.

Gargamel

15,651 posts

278 months

Yesterday (22:07)
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I have a slightly different challenge. I can cook, clean and wash easy enough, I’ve lived on my own some of the time. However my partner now is a little younger and controls the heating, Wi-Fi, doorbell, lock, water pump and dishwasher via a series of apps. As every proper millennial should. These only exist on her phone.

I think I’d be fine - just would put most things back to analogue.

BigMon

5,372 posts

146 months

Yesterday (22:10)
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I lived on my own for a few years and could do so again. Between the two of us we split a lot of things up so it wouldn't be an issue.

At some point one of us will go and leave the other on their own, but I hope that's many years down the line.

Jasandjules

71,354 posts

246 months

Yesterday (22:11)
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I can cook, clean etc. There would be things I don't want to do, but not that I can't do.


Timothy Bucktu

16,215 posts

217 months

Yesterday (22:28)
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I was like the OP...but then Covid happened, and while I was enjoying being furloughed and going for long walks every day during lockdown, my Wife continued working in the NHS. It was during this time that I learned how to cook, and do ALL the housework. I've been working from home ever since, and I'm now in a position where I can and do confidently do everything around the house as well as the usual Man stuff.

havoc

31,986 posts

252 months

Yesterday (22:30)
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M4cruiser said:
What gets me is that wives really don't understand the pressure us blokes have with earning enough to pay the (considerable) sums of a mortgage, council tax, gas bills etc, whilst having a bully for a manager at work.
...and I strongly suspect a lot of blokes of your disposition don't understand how hard bringing up kids can be, especially if doing so without any/much support from a partner who has a long, hard job and "just wants to relax" when they get home at the end of the day. The pressure to not do / not say the wrong thing when the child is angry, upset or withdrawn, to try to understand exactly what's going on with someone who hasn't the emotional maturity to explain themselves properly (doubly/triply so if said kid is either on the spectrum or ADD/ADHD). To have to be seen to be holding it together, to be a beacon of stability and solidity in their lives, regardless of what else might be going on in your life.

...nor how mind-numbingly boring housework gets when you've been doing it day-in/day-out, week-in/week-out for 20+ years.


There's a reason younger (anyone <60?) women WANT to go out to work, and it's not just financial.


For reference, I'm a middle aged bloke with a wife and two kids and a high-pressure, long-hours professional job, whose wife has her own slower (due to having 2 kids) career. I've never really had a blue-job/pink-job mindset, probably because I grew up in that sort of family and saw what it did to my Mum. I try to pull my weight at home and with the kids - I do most of the shopping, the cooking and the ironing, she tends to look after the cleaning and the laundry...but we can both swap if needed. Part of me would dearly love to take the old-school "I've had a hard day love, I'm off to the pub, I'll be back once the kids are in bed." approach every now and then, as the combination of career and parenthood is fking hard (esp. if like us you can't offload the kids to family for any longer than a few hours every now and then), but I'd struggle to look myself in the mirror if I did.

CanAm

11,789 posts

289 months

Yesterday (22:42)
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Well, I am in that situation as Mrs C unfortunately passed away 2 years ago.

As I am long retired, I don't have the worry of managing a full time job and housekeeping. Cleaning is a doddle; I've always dabbled in cooking and for anything new, it's just a matter of Google and YouTube.

Shopping was a pain at first, as the supermarket is not very user friendly (eg fresh meat and fish is in the aisle marked Cooking Sauces) and just as I'm getting used to the layout, they move things around.

I have an advantage over the late Mrs C when it comes to washing clothes as I actually read the instructions on the labels and found out what the symbols mean. Oh and I read the instruction book for the washing machine etc, which luckily was still where I put it when it arrived (unread of course).

Cuddling is a bit tricky on your own though.

Don't worry, you'll all cope should you be unfortunate enough to be left alone.

As one lovely little old lady said to me, "I was so sorry to hear about your wife. Very sad. ....... Still, you can do what you like now! smile " That was her Smiley - not mine!

wibble cb

3,980 posts

224 months

Yesterday (23:48)
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We split the run of the mill household jobs, but it’s not straight down the middle, she does do most of the cooking, but she professes that it’s a hobby, and enjoys it( so do I, from a different perspective), but most other jobs are done as and when they need it, by whomever happens to spot it needs doing, even the bills get split, I sort property taxes and waste management, she does the rest. We both hate gardening, so that gets shared as well.



Now, having said that, she absolutely will not pick up a power/ hand tool ( oddly ,painting is not a problem), or put out the bins, while emptying the cat litter box also mysteriously falls to me a lot of the time.

Should I go before her, she may have issues with the DIY stuff, should she go first , I wouldn’t starve or not do laundry etc…..

I don’t think either of us thinks the other is lazy or taking advantage of the other, we just get on with it.

surveyor

18,441 posts

201 months

Yesterday (23:53)
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I'd missed that thread. I'm going to reply here first!

A few years ago I'd have been hopeless - now I think I'd manage.. Probably eating less healthily though

I had 4 months last year while my wife was having chemotherapy where I was running the house, doing the shopping, the cleaning etc. Was sometimes a bit of a challenge - not least as a couple of important high stakes work events clashed, and I had to do a a couple of nights away here and there.

Thankfully she's all better now!

Christmas was hardest.. How to make the house Christmassy for someone not feeling it... We did ok!