Arrested/accused - the broken family @#&* show-some pointers
Discussion
Hello everyone
2 and a half years ago I was arrested and removed from my home on the back of false allegations and separated from my children.
Now I'm living my best life, but I'm sharing my story to help anyone who ever finds themselves or anyone they know in my situation. Parts of my journey will hopefully be of some use. This isn't an emotional recap, just facts, pure facts. Hopefully something in here might be of use to somebody.
This isn't gender specific either, I've learned of cases where men took advantage of a broken system to set up their wives and to ruin the lives of their children. Both men and women are abusing the system and it really needs to be stopped.
This is about dealing with being set up and alienated from your children - what can happen and what you need to do when you're caught up in this scenario. It’s important to note I had a lot of luck, and things often aren’t this easy. But it's not about that, it’s the bits I learned and the things I did that helped my situation that are important here.
Feel free to reach out to me by message if there’s anything I can help with.
Background
Like many of us I was a normal guy living a normal life, in a normal home, with children, hobbies, the domestics and a busy career. What I didn't realise was that all was not what it seemed. As with many situations these days I had baggage - mine was a kid I'd raised from a previous marriage. I didn't make her, but that was irrelevant, anyone who's been in my shoes will probably know where I'm coming from. In 2017 I lost all contact with that baggage - I would later learn how it happened, but at the time I couldn't see the wood from the trees.
In 2020 that baggage started contacting me again, even grown-up children miss the guy they grew up calling Dad. My assailant (the person who managed to turn my life on its head) learned we were in contact and went to some extreme measures to reverse it. From hereon in I worked out that I wasn t living a normal life, and a long-term plan was formed. That was the first mistake I made. If you're living with broken get out as fast as you can, unless you can fix it this won't end well - p.s. you can't fix it, you just think you can because you want to.
At some point my family secretly arranged for the estranged and now grown-up baggage to visit us all from abroad. All I could get was a measly 2 days with my kid, anything else would have aroused suspicion. That was my second mistake. Remember if you're living with broken you can't reason with it. You shouldn't be there at all.
My assailant did everything, including bug my car. Now she had everything - knowledge that I'd seen my kid, and knowledge that I had a long-term plan that didn't involve a future with her anymore. I just needed to make sure my other (young) children would be old enough to know who I was when the worst happened.
Things reached an unpleasant head, and I left home several times; therapy, marriage counselling, families getting involved. It was all to no avail. You can't fix broken.
One Tuesday in Spring 2023 I announced I was leaving, but first I wanted a workable arrangement with the children.
The Arrest
I was busy in my workshop getting a few things in order for the weekend - it was Friday night and I was on my way out to meet a friend. I heard voices outside looking for someone, and then they left. I went into the house and asked if anyone had called round - apparently the police had, but they had the wrong address. I went back into my workshop, finished what I was doing and locked up. This was my sanctuary, my playroom. I had a motorbike to finish, wiring loom - that was going to be Sunday s job, but first I'd promised my kids I'd spend all day Saturday with them. I scanned my projects, switched off the lights and locked the door behind me. That was the last time I'd be in 'normal' .
As I went onto my driveway there were two policemen stood there.
"Can I help you officers?"
"What's your name? "
And that was it, handcuffs on and some speech about being arrested.
It's a funny thing shock - I remember very little about the journey to the station in the back of the police car. I remember well having the charges read out at the station desk. I somehow got into a very big conversation with about 6 other officers who suddenly realised I supplied a product they all used. I was interested in telling them about our new developments, they were as interested in hearing about them.
Station sergeant: "sorry to break up your meeting, if you don t mind I'd like to get on with the job of processing this gentlemen. Right, so are you allergic to anything?"
Me: "Yeah, getting arrested" . They all started laughing as we went straight back to our conversation.
The rest of it was being processed, like a criminal really, then locked in a cell. That was one of the worst experiences of my life, simply because I was bored rigid. I couldn't sleep, there was nothing to read, and they take away your phone. In the end I started practicing my martial arts, there was just about enough space to do it. My head must have been all over the place, I just don't remember.
The Lawyer and the Interview
You'll hear a lot of people tell you that you can't trust the police, that you should say as little as possible. I guess that depends on which police you're dealing with. This was a force I later learned have a reputation for old school policing. What I cannot believe is the amount of subtle hints they dropped for me along the way, small breadcrumbs of hope- you could say this was part of a game, I don' t know. But if I was innocent they must have decided it wasn't particularly nice seeing anyone being processed like this.
However, what they think is almost immaterial. They carry out orders, but they don't make the law. Your best in-road to what happens next is your solicitor, there's more on that later.
At some point the next day my duty solicitor arrived. She was poker-faced and professional. She sat and grilled me on everything. Me, unwashed, unfed (I wasn't in the mood for eating) had a lot to say, she wrote all of it down and cross-examined me. She concluded by saying "tell the police everything you ve told me, everything", pointing out that "if you have to come back with facts later it will make the job a lot more difficult".
The interview took place with two police officers - there was a definite good cop / bad cop routine going on. I told them everything, the lot. I told them what had happened, and what could happen next. This was a very wise move, because it later transpired they'd been told about me before with the "what could happen next" allegations, only they chose to throw them out as unsound. They were very disturbing allegations, so the fact that I was happy to volunteer them when the police actually already knew about them - massive credibility, and clearly nothing to hide. These were threats made to frame me, calling them out served me in good stead because it highlighted the controlling environment I'd been living in.
One question I was asked - if you knew this (continued contact with my kid) was going to threaten your marriage, why did you do it, why did you risk everything?
My eyes welled up as soon as I said it:
"Children don't ask to be born, how can you turn your back on somebody who grew up calling you Dad?". From that moment the room changed, you could see it. It's got to be hard to see the bad in someone whose only crime was trying to do the right thing. It's also pretty hard to argue with, no matter what training you've had.
I don't remember much about the interview except that I told them the whole story, and it was a long and interesting one.
I explained to the police that my assailant was probably going through my computer deleting all of the evidence I had saved on my WhatsApp messages, so they told me they were taking my phone off me to isolate it for my own protection. I had no choice.
Half an hour of being put back in my cell the hatch opened. Some policeman said out of the blue "you had a very good interview, two hours apparently" and the hatch slammed shut. If this was a game it achieved nothing. If it was a hint it did wonders.
I was checked out after almost 24 hours in custody and given bail. I had a trip abroad the next week, the police confirmed I could go anywhere except home. I had to stay away from my accuser, and no contact.
I was released, but instead of looking for a taxi I was given a lift to my house - the police were going to escort me in to collect whatever I needed, I could arrange a proper removal with them at a future date. On the way home we discussed access to my children - lawyers was the process I had to use.
There are three very broken parts to our legal system. The first is that anyone can be forcibly removed from their own home off the back of a false allegation. The second is that anyone, even the police themselves, can be arrested if their own accusers use a certain word beginning with 'r'. And the third is that any parent has to go through lawyers to try to see their own children. All this when your head is spinning in a hundred directions.
One of the police who took me home was the interviewing sergeant, she rang a friend of mine at his office and told him I'd be coming to stay, then she searched where I could get a replacement phone and made me repeat several times that I'd get one immediately - in her view the last thing I needed at a time like this was no contact with the outside world.
As we said goodbye on my driveway (just before leaving it for the last time) I took a last look at my house. She said I looked relieved, and then concluded it was because I was out of it. She was right. Part of the act? Who knows. But they're highly trained, they watch everything. The relief on my face knowing I was out of it must have been telling, even though this giant s
t show was only just beginning.
And that was it.
I headed to a phone shop, to a friend's house, and went to sleep.
I have very good lawyer friends, one was ringing me from abroad constantly telling me not to drink anything.
What often happens is that guys in my situation get drunk, get emotional, and go banging the door down of their own home. And that's it, then you're the bad guy, and you're really going to struggle. I always retreat quietly in difficult situations, withdraw, come to terms with things, work out a plan. Let your assailants think you've gone, let them celebrate, let them drop their guard, you'll come back with a plan, and you'll win.
The lesson from the arrest:
My advice to anyone in this situation - don't cause a fuss, no matter how emotional, just be cooperative and well behaved, don't be the bad guy. If you're innocent tell them everything, you've got nothing to hide.
Most importantly tell the truth. A psychotherapist I know said at the time "If you re telling the truth it's easy to remember the truth, lies are really difficult, the brain struggles to remember lies. One of you is telling the truth, the other one's going to have a really difficult time of it".
Immediate Aftermath
I spent the weekend staring at the internet, anything to take my mind off things. I couldn't do anything until Monday. I went for a long drive too. I also made a lot of phone calls to people who practically mattered, the ones who could help me steer a direction, and the ones who knew how to prop me up.
The biggest shock was that the first 3 people I turned to all turned their backs on me. That could have finished me on the spot, but you can't let it. The 20 or so after that could't do enough for me, you have to be prepared for anything.
Monday it was lawyers - you have to get your priorities straight. My situation had 3 parts:
1. The children, getting to see them as quickly as possible
2. The defamation that was beginning to spread like fire- there's always someone in the background who wants to see you fail, and I had that someone doing as much damage to my reputation as humanly possible
3. The criminal case - but that could wait.
Lawyers are lawyers isn't a fact. There are good ones, bad ones and outright useless dangerous greedy scumbag ones with no backbone or moral fibre. I did my research thoroughly calling on everyone I knew for a steer. I got a good family lawyer who assured me she would win this. It's important to note at this point that in recent years the laws have changed, that the days of the McDonalds Dads are over - these days the system wants both parents playing an active part in your childrens' lives, shared parental responsibility . The law has taken some massive steps forward from days gone by, but the first part of the process is more broken than ever - I don't see how anyone can initially be deprived of seeing their kids going through something like this - the system is so badly abused because it has gone too far in the opposite direction.
My next job was to close down the defamation quickly. For this I found my own Rottweiler, the sort of lawyer you really wouldn't want to meet. It worked, I don't need to cover anymore on this, other than to say the defamation stopped immediately, while the uncertainty of what would happen next for the person spreading it lasted for a long time - theirs became a world of stress and anxiety.
Then there was the job of the criminal case. I'd been saving evidence for a year, that eventually turned into a 150-page report full of links to all the voice recordings that showed what I'd been put through. I wasn't planning on doing time in prison for something just because of an accusation.
I visited my criminal lawyer and covered the way forward. A long road of waiting was the next step. The system is overloaded, there's nothing you can do about it. The usual reminders to stay well away from my assailant etc were given.
With everything done that I could do I set off on my trip abroad. I didn't want to go but everyone coming on it persuaded me to. Best thing I ever did, because for a few days it carried me. We weren t going on a p*ss up, that would have been a bad idea, but instead we were going to a sports event - focussing on that took my mind away from everything - it was good respite for my sanity. I remember thinking I'd be arrested again at either end of the channel, I prepared everyone for just that. When we made it through French passport control I drove straight to the nearest layby, got down on the ground and kissed it - I'll never forget seeing the dog turd right next to my face and thinking that was ok as I kissed the piss stained tarmac.
On return to the UK I checked into a friend's house a long way from home. From heron in I took the decision that the only way I was going to stay sane was to distance myself from the area I used to live in, and to block the children from my subconscious. I've since discovered this is a well-used survival mechanism for a lot of parents separated from their kids, like in times of war etc.
Two more weekends of sports events really helped, and once they were done I went abroad to stay with family, and decided as I could work from anywhere, I'd stay abroad for as long as it took until I could see my children again. The expectations were in months not days.
I tried to arrange to visit my children at school before I left England, but in the end all the authorities concluded it would create complications, so I didn' qt pursue it any further.
During this time I lost my criminal lawyer because of a conflict-of-interest error by their administration team - that was a bitter and unnecessary blow caused by a mixture of greed and a serious lack of due diligence.
What next?
I'm going to break this down into cases. While the timelines are interlinked this isn t a story about me and how I dealt with life, it's a list of events and lessons learned. It was split into 2 main parts - criminal and family. There was more stuff I had to deal with but I don't think it's relevant to the things that you need to know.
The Criminal Case
Almost immediately after I was released the police sent me some forms to sign. During my interview I spelt out 3 situations where my assailant had broken the law, two of them were very serious. I sat on those forms and never signed them. Had I signed them a new world of criminal investigations would have commenced, and bearing in mind I had all the evidence I needed, that could have landed my assailant, the mother of my children, with a criminal record, the end of a career being the most important consequence. It served no benefit to my children and for me that was all that mattered.
I found a new lawyer with a good track record. The first thing he did was give me bad press on the police. The second thing he did was tell me we do nothing until the police decide to do something, then we fight it. The third thing he did was not understand how I like to work.
A criminal lawyer I know said not cooperating with the police is the worst thing you can do, because if you're innocent their job just becomes harder. He also said many lawyers want a case to go to court, that's their theatre. However, that's not what you want. I wanted this gone. So, I changed lawyers for a guy who was known for working with the police, and paid him to prepare a case for my own piece of mind.
The one thing they tell you to never fail on is attending bail. I arranged a clear-out of my family home with the police for the week before my bail hearing, and continued to remain abroad. At all times I let the sergeant managing the case know where I was by email, leaving no room for doubt about my conduct and intentions.
On the day of the clear out we had vans, friends, chaos, and the Sergeant called me over for a chat. First thing he tells me is he's dropping my bail. I asked what does that mean for the clear-out? And he told me "it s your house, you can come and go as you please". Remarkable.
This was only 3 months after the arrest. There are no certainties with anything but I got the impression this case was going nowhere. The second thing he did was have a "word in your shell-like" chat man-to-man, the police are human beings too, we all have opinions, his was scary, interesting and wasted on me, but it covered the stupidity of people who regularly go back to the person who caused them the problem in the first place. It was a very helpful off-the-record chat, he went above and beyond the call of duty. The third thing he did was tell me "your behaviour has been exemplary, even when [my assailant called the police on a separate occasion] you had done nothing wrong."
Just before Christmas the case was dropped. And that was it.
Lessons from the Criminal Case:
It can take time, a very long time. My 6 months was a short amount of time. There are all sorts of politically correct quotas to meet too, and my case fitted perfectly into a load of them I'm guessing, so it could have had plenty of legs in the broken system. I’m guessing it only ended quickly because the case was too woolly, and my assailant must have let herself down in the process. But no matter how un-just it was I stayed away, I behaved properly and professionally, and I made sure I had a lawyer who did the same. And I worked with facts, I spent weeks writing everything up backed by facts.
Whilst I've pointed out earlier that the police don't make the law, they do make recommendations to CPS. CPS use those recommendations to decide if a case should be pursued, or more cynically if a case can be won (it seems regardless of whether it will benefit society or not). In my teenage years I ended up living some of my time with a station sergeant and his wife. When I later told him my story, and when we got to the part about me talking to the other police at check-in on the night of my arrest, all about the product of mine they were using themselves, he said "that s the moment I would have known you were innocent, your mind was on the outside world already, you had dismissed this as not being real - guilty people focus on how they re going to deal with the situation, or how they're going to get out of it - you didn t".
I was ready for a full court battle. I did nothing but prepare, I was ready for a fight. And I laid low, and stayed as far away from trouble as you possibly can. Some of this served me very well in the family courts, more on this later.
The forms I didn t sign still sit in my folder. It's important to point out that unlike civil law, criminal law seems to have no time limit...let that just sink in.
The Family Case
Round1
This is a very difficult situation to be in, because your children drive most of your emotions.
In many ways what made things worse was the odd occasion my children found a phone in the house and secretly rang me, they were only little, and very confused, and all I could tell them was that I loved them and that I d see them soon, nothing else, anything could be a trap.
The start of the process was my lawyers writing to the children s mother to arrange a mutual contact and meeting place for me and the children to see each other. The pushback from her lawyers was a shock to me, but not to my lawyers. I was basically deemed unsafe to be around them think Jimmy Saville and you ll get the idea.
The next part to this is normally mediation. My lawyers not only successfully by-passed any form of mediation but applied for an emergency hearing. I was told it could be 3 months.
The first break for me happened on the way to my final sports trip. On the Ferry I took a call from Social Services where I heard some interesting things, including a vital piece of information one of my children had said they d been given a script to learn. Now I needed the Social Services report to be filed. The biggest risk to this is the risk of a Social Worker leaving their post this is common and disjointed, because when it happens Social Services start the whole process all over again, the most stupid miscarriage of justice I ve ever heard of, because now your kids are going longer without seeing their parent.
In a next stroke of luck the mother s party filed for a non-molestation order with a long list of allegations. This would mean appearing in court trying to prove my innocence. The broken part of the system is the Magistrates Courts I ve seen people beaten about the bush for months in this system, but the seriousness of the allegations made against me took this straight to the County Courts. My lawyers skilfully managed to get the Judge to agree to open a Family Courts hearing off the back of the non-molestation one, and suddenly I was being summoned back to England to attend.
Then came news that the Social Worker was leaving her post - it was devastating. However, beyond anything I could comprehend she finished her lengthy report on this case and submitted it in the last hours of her employment. When my children turn 18 I m going to track her down and tell her the impact of her actions, I really have no words, I was very lucky.
In Court the child s mother s barrister went on a long rant about what a violent, abusive, unsafe low-life I was. It s hard listening to all that, especially when none of it is true. She even played the racist card, it was a level of low I ve never seen before. My barrister was canny carefully picked. Rather than go on the defensive she simply explained none of the allegations were true, and made it all about the need for the children to see their Dad. She then referred the judge to the Social Services report, and we all sat in silence while the Judge read it to herself.
What followed was a lot of angry dialogue from the Judge. I knew she was p****d off with one of us but I couldn t figure out who it was. Turned out it wasn t me. I d been forewarned from my solicitor that the best we could hope for at this stage was phone or possibly supervised contact with the children. This judge declared full unsupervised contact immediately until the next hearing. At the advice of my lawyer I rejected the non-molestation order but agreed to a voluntary arrangement to show my lack of intention to be around my assailant it was a 12 month arrangement, I saw no harm in it if it got me access to my children.
In the court much time was spent agreeing contact persons for pick up and drop-off of the children, carefully planned to ensure no contact between both parties and for good reason with me being on bail, with the judge not wanting to see anything done to complicate that situation.
That Saturday I drove to my meeting place. I had a back up in the car park filming everything because I didn t trust what could happen next. I messaged both pick up persons, who both replied confused knowing nothing about the arrangement my assailant had just breached the court order.
Instead of keeping in the shadows my assailant presented herself in full view of me, then sent only one of my children with her son to greet me at the car court breach number 2. I was devastated and overjoyed at the same time, but rather than do anything about the missing child I just got in the car with my son and we drove away.
What my emotions should have made me do is storm across the park to grab my other child breach of bail, me looking like the bad guy. But no, that would be understandable but foolish, remember you have to remain composed, let them be the bad guy.
My assailant had given my son a bag with things in it and a note addressed to me asking me to do a few things including drop my son back 2 hours early court breaches number 3 and 4 no direct contact and going against the times of the arrangement thank you very much.
During the afternoon I arranged with a mutual party connected to the family to cover the pick-up. He discussed it with my assailant, who, because there is a God, listened to the advice of an idiot she was taking counsel from who decided that I was breaching my bail conditions and told her to call the police. When your enemy is screwing up the one thing you should never do is interfere, just sit back and let them get on with it. It was worse that this was a supposed to be a close friend, but he was doing me a massive favour because not only was he thick, but he was also arrogant a perfect combination.
As a precaution I called the police too for advice on what to do, they advised me I was doing the right thing because a court order had been breached. They gave me the reference number of the call so that its recording could be used in court.
I spent the afternoon preparing to be arrested at the drop off point, I had everything ready, all my contingency plans in place. I even parked in front of a CCTV camera. But in the end nothing, my son was collected and that was the end of that.
First thing Monday morning the details of the event were sent to my lawyer who like me was disappointed, but happy, my assailant had just shown that she could take on a judge, I could be vindicated.
Round 2
There were 3 weeks to the next hearing, during which time I only had one child presented each weekend. I had a CAFCASS interview, so did the children where they talked about how much they missed me. In that time we (my lawyers and I) had to deal with all the very serious allegations made against me for the next hearing.
My lawyers took the position that they were going to focus on the needs of the children. We made counter allegations but only in defence of all the allegations made.
In court my barrister read out past cases that led to the conclusion that the whole series of allegations made against me was not beneficial to the needs of the children, and pointed out that we had hard evidence to counter every single one of them and could illustrate everything that I had actually been put through, pointing out that the real abused party was me, and we could prove it. In the interests of the children however we wanted to spare my assailant all of that and get on with the job of agreeing a way forward.
Everything was thrown out, just as it should be. My assailant clearly hadn t worked out that until now that she wasn t running the show, and all those breaches of the court order came back to haunt her. The whole hearing went very badly for one us, and it wasn t me. The session ended with contact ordered for both children now with overnight sessions added until the final hearing.
That Saturday both children were presented to me, you really don t want to be on the wrong side of a court order no matter what anybody tells you.
The very first thing I did was take the children to the shops to buy their mother a birthday present, and there began the start of my position that has served the children in good stead ever since: a good relationship with their mother, practical support for the family unit, but I ll have nothing to do with my assailant outside of that. It continues well to this day.
What followed was a series of family intervention, assailant realisation, negotiating back and forwards with me working out what I wanted out of this. And then the final hearing happened.
Whatever I chose, based on a whole bunch of factors, things that had happened, would be more-or-less what I would end up with. The children s mother had it spelt out to her that she d run out of road with her approach, and everything started to change.
Over time I was given the reassurance that everyone could work together, and that s what we went to the courts with. All parties cooperated and we ended up with an outcome that suited all (though a few small stunts were pulled but immediately rejected in the final hearing) and the mother even offered to counter a direction from the judge just to suit my preferences I almost fell off my char.
The alternative was the system throwing the children to me full-time. I had to take a fair assessment of the whole situation - with every other aspect she did a very good job with the children, she d just let anger and jealousy grossly cloud her own judgement that doesn t mean she couldn t continue to do an excellent job with the children. There were also other relatives living with the children, and losing them would have been a negative, especially their half-sibling.
And that was it, it was all over life could begin with this whole st show behind me.
Lessons from the family courts:
In my opinion a good lawyer will focus on the defence, being on the attack doesn t work well in family courts, being on the defence and making it about the needs of the children does. He said /she said stuff seems to wind everyone up, remove emotion and focus on the children s needs only and you ll be seen as the sensible party.
During one of the hearings, I was accused of standing outside of the family home intimidating my assailant. My barrister asked for the date of that incident, pointing out we had full Google maps history this stuff is great, it shows where you ve been, and can even work out if you were on a car or a motorbike! If you ve got nothing to hide switch it on. The fact was I was abroad most of the time, so any claims were going to be like p***ing in the wind in front of the courts.
I went one step further, twice every day I went to a local Tesco middle of the day and evening, stopping to pose in front of the camera. I knew they keep recordings for a long time, that was my back-up.
I also put people on the spot, including one of our mutual friends to confirm an event that took place that completely contradicted my assailant s allegations. The friend confirmed my statement in writing, and then dropped me from their life for good. Nobody wants to risk perjury in a court, so don t be afraid to get the truth out of anyone. They were worth losing.
The most important thing was that conduct again. As the sergeant I lived with as a teenager said nobody reaches your time of life to suddenly start becoming a criminal, the courts and the police aren t that stupid . My solicitor told me some clients can have everything in their grasp and throw it away with an angry text to their assailant how could you be so naive?
What my solicitor and barrister told me is what a good client I was, because I listened, and most clients apparently don t. My assailant didn t listen to her legal team, or if she did then they were useless, because they made a very bad account of themselves and of her in the courtroom. I used to give my solicitors the detailed facts, but they would work out the strategy my job was to trust them that this was the right approach. If you ve got a bad solicitor you re sunk, but equally I d say if you ve got a bad solicitor change them for a good one.
All the bits you need to know
In order:
1. Don t go back you can t fix broken. Apparently many people do don t even consider it
2. Don t throw the towel in, ever, your children will always need you
3. Everything you put in writing is there for ever, you will never get rid of it. Choose your words carefully. Every single message that I write I do so with the picture of a judge reading it in my mind. By coincidence I read something 2 days after writing this that said you should always do just that! If it isn t polite and factual it isn t being sent. Many times I ve sat on messages before sending just in case. There is not one single message I ve ever sent that was out of place. A friend of mine was prosecuted for calling his wife an idiot on a text message the law around telecommunications is bizarre. It has served me well, and served those who tried to ruin me very badly. My assailant once a month sends me an emotional pantomime. I know its just emotions, but in the eyes of the system she's made herself look really bad should I ever need to go back to court.
4. There are charities out there who will offer practical and real help Fathers for Justice, Parents Against Parental Alienation join their groups on Social Media and reach out to them if you need to.
5. Don t f**k about when you re under attack. As one of my friends said to another who were both in similar situations he s got more out of this in 3 months than we ve had in years . That s because if you come up against me I m going to shoot, both barrels, and the grenades, the mustard gas, the whole deal. Many people hold back on things, there is no point. Shoot with everything, deal with the mess afterwards. Had the criminal case gone ahead I would have signed those papers, and a whole new world of explosions would have hit my assailant. Not my problem, I was out to win, not to be railroaded.
6. Don t get emotional in your actions, ever, there will never be an excuse in the eyes of the system you are judged on your actions. I think that is a massive fail point in the broken system but you literally have to become a robot, nothing else. If you want to get emotional keep it to yourself or the people you can trust
7. Keep everything, every bit of evidence, and write it all up in a big story in sequenced order your lawyers then have something to fight your corner with.
8. People will turn on you ignore it. Lawyers letters scare the hell out of gossipers, everyone else wasn t worth having. I ve got parents at school who still won t speak to me anymore, no f**ks given, they re just worthless pieces of sh**t in my eyes because they never had the decency to ask for my side of the story. I don t need those people in my life I already got more friends than I can handle. Don t let social anxiety make a difference to anything perhaps this will be the moment you realise it was never worth it in the first place. Oh and make sure if you need evidence from someone you get it, nobody wants to face purjury charges. If it costs you a "friendship" they were never your friends. I had a cleaner wating to testify against my assailant because she wanted to do the right thing, she knew I wasn't the bad guy, she'd been in our house enough to know what really went on.
9. Google Maps is your friend. It backs up your account of history.
10. Surround yourself with sensible people, don t involve anyone else. Any friends in the legal system, the smart cookies, the winners in life everyone else can wait. I had one friend I visited every night when I was with the family, everybody else didn t even know I was home he knew how to support and then take my mind away from it, that kept me sane. I had other friends storing and filing evidence, helping me when I needed to organise evidence remembering the things I d forgotten. You need strong people, it s a support network, everyone else can wait
11. Don t drink, anything. When you re drunk you drop your guard, and the worst can happen. It s a major fail point in these types of cases. I either wrote my reports or watched things that I was interested in to keep me occupied. I didn t even go out until my bail was dropped. Entering a pub for the first time was surreal, I just couldn t get over it.
12. PTSD is real and it will hit you in its own way I spent a long time unable to open the curtains in the morning, expecting to be arrested. The site of a police car would cause me to prepare for being taken away. If you have recurring nightmares, get professional help, quickly. One hour for me and my nightmares disappeared. Get a Doctor s letter, this will give you a lot of lenience with the authorities if you re unorganised and messing up later. Going through something like this is seen as having serious effects on your mental health. PTSD can take a while to get passed, I d say for me it vanished completely after 2 years and 3 months. Some things will change for a long time if not forever. I used to sit in a chair, my friend threw a light blanket over me. After that I couldn t sleep under a quilt. Even in winter I would freeze under a light blanket. 2 nights ago I suddenly wanted a quilt again, and that was it, the last remnant gone.
13. Your support network will be hit hard. Living through this nightmare will have a deep impact on the people you surround yourself with. Long after I ve recovered into what is the happiest time of my life, I can still see the scars left on those who helped me to get through it. Some were visibly angered or shaken by the experience, especially because they didn t understand how anyone could be criminalised and alienated the way I was but it happens, a lot more than you realise. I can still see the scars, the anger etc. Some still talk about it, others don t want to. I certainly put them all through it, like delegation, but it was what I needed to do. Don t deal with this alone, use everyone, that s what friends are for. They may be left scarred, but knowing they were there for you will ultimately mean more to them.
14. Think of the children - make sure your assailant always knows where they stand. I m practically supportive but everything else its over. There is now a very good working relationship, both parties work extremely well together for the sake of the children, even mutual business support. The emotional side I can t fix. I m happier than a pig in st, from what I can tell my assailant has emotionally lost everything.
I ve seen parents go to war on each other long after the process is over, it scars the children. Both of mine know the parents will support parenting in both directions, so they are happy little children. We work flexibly, very flexibly none of this nonsense of no that s my day so you can t so it just becomes about the kids, and that s it. So part way through a day they may duck in and out of both homes to suit what they want to do its good. And both parents see the value in time with and without the children.
Most people think I should hate my assailant, I don t. I think she s just not well. Yes she did something very evil, but it cost her everything. Did she want to lose everything? No. I don t trust her, but I don t hate her, I just haven t got a clue who she really is. But she s the one who s got to live with it, not me I m where I always wanted to be.
15. Don t complicate things the next relationship. I can t believe the number of parents newly separated who run out to find the next relationship. Your marriage is destroyed so you need to grieve it, and in a case like this you have PTSD that takes a bit of dealing with. Running into the arms of someone when your head isn t right is just kicking the can further down the road. Getting back to normal in your own time will leave you knowing exactly what you want out of life, and in the end you ll become very very happy. When you re happy to the point that you know you re not prepared to let anything risk what you ve now got, you ll suddenly attract partners like flies to a piece of s**t. There is no rush, there are many many unhinged nutcases out there ready to put you through it all over again when the time is right. When you know what you want you ll also know what you don t want, which means you re far less likely to screw it up again
16. Continue to keep evidence, prepare for the next round, never drop your guard.
I wish anyone luck who encounters this. The law and awareness of it is getting better around the world but there is a long way to go. I guess the best thing you can do is choose wisely don t go for someone just because they re a bit tasty thinking you can fix the crazy bits
Finally I ll leave you with a story. There are lots of cases I know of where grown-up children have hunted down their estranged parent, and left the one who isolated them for dust many in my own social circle.
The most interesting was a shop I have been using for years.
The owner and his son are identical, live together, work together, bicker together etc they even have the same name. The owner was a bit negative towards my situation when it happened; a few days ago his son told me his story.
His Mum and Dad separated when he was 15, and his Mum told him that his Dad wasn t his real Dad. His real Dad lived in a nearby town and owned a shop, he d been abusive and a bad man, so she saved her son from him at the age of 4.
Without a clue who this real Dad was he left his mother s house never to see her again. He found his real Dad, and the rest is history.
It was ultimate betrayal to a child he told me. He never stopped to hear her excuses, her version of events, nothing. He just walked out and left her for good. She had used abuse , police, courts, everything to keep the Dad from seeing his son, until in the end he gave up. But ultimately in the long run it cost her everything.
The Dad is too kind, popular and laid back to be the monster she described, but the game she played worked for a while. Her motive? Turns out she d met a new man and wanted the old one gone, and in those days she could get away with it.
There are a few lessons to that story. But it does seem very common to use children as weapons against partners; disgusting but it happens. Your job is to be a robot, rise above it and fight it until you win. Then don t let the children become damaged goods like the parent.
The End.
2 and a half years ago I was arrested and removed from my home on the back of false allegations and separated from my children.
Now I'm living my best life, but I'm sharing my story to help anyone who ever finds themselves or anyone they know in my situation. Parts of my journey will hopefully be of some use. This isn't an emotional recap, just facts, pure facts. Hopefully something in here might be of use to somebody.
This isn't gender specific either, I've learned of cases where men took advantage of a broken system to set up their wives and to ruin the lives of their children. Both men and women are abusing the system and it really needs to be stopped.
This is about dealing with being set up and alienated from your children - what can happen and what you need to do when you're caught up in this scenario. It’s important to note I had a lot of luck, and things often aren’t this easy. But it's not about that, it’s the bits I learned and the things I did that helped my situation that are important here.
Feel free to reach out to me by message if there’s anything I can help with.
Background
Like many of us I was a normal guy living a normal life, in a normal home, with children, hobbies, the domestics and a busy career. What I didn't realise was that all was not what it seemed. As with many situations these days I had baggage - mine was a kid I'd raised from a previous marriage. I didn't make her, but that was irrelevant, anyone who's been in my shoes will probably know where I'm coming from. In 2017 I lost all contact with that baggage - I would later learn how it happened, but at the time I couldn't see the wood from the trees.
In 2020 that baggage started contacting me again, even grown-up children miss the guy they grew up calling Dad. My assailant (the person who managed to turn my life on its head) learned we were in contact and went to some extreme measures to reverse it. From hereon in I worked out that I wasn t living a normal life, and a long-term plan was formed. That was the first mistake I made. If you're living with broken get out as fast as you can, unless you can fix it this won't end well - p.s. you can't fix it, you just think you can because you want to.
At some point my family secretly arranged for the estranged and now grown-up baggage to visit us all from abroad. All I could get was a measly 2 days with my kid, anything else would have aroused suspicion. That was my second mistake. Remember if you're living with broken you can't reason with it. You shouldn't be there at all.
My assailant did everything, including bug my car. Now she had everything - knowledge that I'd seen my kid, and knowledge that I had a long-term plan that didn't involve a future with her anymore. I just needed to make sure my other (young) children would be old enough to know who I was when the worst happened.
Things reached an unpleasant head, and I left home several times; therapy, marriage counselling, families getting involved. It was all to no avail. You can't fix broken.
One Tuesday in Spring 2023 I announced I was leaving, but first I wanted a workable arrangement with the children.
The Arrest
I was busy in my workshop getting a few things in order for the weekend - it was Friday night and I was on my way out to meet a friend. I heard voices outside looking for someone, and then they left. I went into the house and asked if anyone had called round - apparently the police had, but they had the wrong address. I went back into my workshop, finished what I was doing and locked up. This was my sanctuary, my playroom. I had a motorbike to finish, wiring loom - that was going to be Sunday s job, but first I'd promised my kids I'd spend all day Saturday with them. I scanned my projects, switched off the lights and locked the door behind me. That was the last time I'd be in 'normal' .
As I went onto my driveway there were two policemen stood there.
"Can I help you officers?"
"What's your name? "
And that was it, handcuffs on and some speech about being arrested.
It's a funny thing shock - I remember very little about the journey to the station in the back of the police car. I remember well having the charges read out at the station desk. I somehow got into a very big conversation with about 6 other officers who suddenly realised I supplied a product they all used. I was interested in telling them about our new developments, they were as interested in hearing about them.
Station sergeant: "sorry to break up your meeting, if you don t mind I'd like to get on with the job of processing this gentlemen. Right, so are you allergic to anything?"
Me: "Yeah, getting arrested" . They all started laughing as we went straight back to our conversation.
The rest of it was being processed, like a criminal really, then locked in a cell. That was one of the worst experiences of my life, simply because I was bored rigid. I couldn't sleep, there was nothing to read, and they take away your phone. In the end I started practicing my martial arts, there was just about enough space to do it. My head must have been all over the place, I just don't remember.
The Lawyer and the Interview
You'll hear a lot of people tell you that you can't trust the police, that you should say as little as possible. I guess that depends on which police you're dealing with. This was a force I later learned have a reputation for old school policing. What I cannot believe is the amount of subtle hints they dropped for me along the way, small breadcrumbs of hope- you could say this was part of a game, I don' t know. But if I was innocent they must have decided it wasn't particularly nice seeing anyone being processed like this.
However, what they think is almost immaterial. They carry out orders, but they don't make the law. Your best in-road to what happens next is your solicitor, there's more on that later.
At some point the next day my duty solicitor arrived. She was poker-faced and professional. She sat and grilled me on everything. Me, unwashed, unfed (I wasn't in the mood for eating) had a lot to say, she wrote all of it down and cross-examined me. She concluded by saying "tell the police everything you ve told me, everything", pointing out that "if you have to come back with facts later it will make the job a lot more difficult".
The interview took place with two police officers - there was a definite good cop / bad cop routine going on. I told them everything, the lot. I told them what had happened, and what could happen next. This was a very wise move, because it later transpired they'd been told about me before with the "what could happen next" allegations, only they chose to throw them out as unsound. They were very disturbing allegations, so the fact that I was happy to volunteer them when the police actually already knew about them - massive credibility, and clearly nothing to hide. These were threats made to frame me, calling them out served me in good stead because it highlighted the controlling environment I'd been living in.
One question I was asked - if you knew this (continued contact with my kid) was going to threaten your marriage, why did you do it, why did you risk everything?
My eyes welled up as soon as I said it:
"Children don't ask to be born, how can you turn your back on somebody who grew up calling you Dad?". From that moment the room changed, you could see it. It's got to be hard to see the bad in someone whose only crime was trying to do the right thing. It's also pretty hard to argue with, no matter what training you've had.
I don't remember much about the interview except that I told them the whole story, and it was a long and interesting one.
I explained to the police that my assailant was probably going through my computer deleting all of the evidence I had saved on my WhatsApp messages, so they told me they were taking my phone off me to isolate it for my own protection. I had no choice.
Half an hour of being put back in my cell the hatch opened. Some policeman said out of the blue "you had a very good interview, two hours apparently" and the hatch slammed shut. If this was a game it achieved nothing. If it was a hint it did wonders.
I was checked out after almost 24 hours in custody and given bail. I had a trip abroad the next week, the police confirmed I could go anywhere except home. I had to stay away from my accuser, and no contact.
I was released, but instead of looking for a taxi I was given a lift to my house - the police were going to escort me in to collect whatever I needed, I could arrange a proper removal with them at a future date. On the way home we discussed access to my children - lawyers was the process I had to use.
There are three very broken parts to our legal system. The first is that anyone can be forcibly removed from their own home off the back of a false allegation. The second is that anyone, even the police themselves, can be arrested if their own accusers use a certain word beginning with 'r'. And the third is that any parent has to go through lawyers to try to see their own children. All this when your head is spinning in a hundred directions.
One of the police who took me home was the interviewing sergeant, she rang a friend of mine at his office and told him I'd be coming to stay, then she searched where I could get a replacement phone and made me repeat several times that I'd get one immediately - in her view the last thing I needed at a time like this was no contact with the outside world.
As we said goodbye on my driveway (just before leaving it for the last time) I took a last look at my house. She said I looked relieved, and then concluded it was because I was out of it. She was right. Part of the act? Who knows. But they're highly trained, they watch everything. The relief on my face knowing I was out of it must have been telling, even though this giant s
t show was only just beginning.And that was it.
I headed to a phone shop, to a friend's house, and went to sleep.
I have very good lawyer friends, one was ringing me from abroad constantly telling me not to drink anything.
What often happens is that guys in my situation get drunk, get emotional, and go banging the door down of their own home. And that's it, then you're the bad guy, and you're really going to struggle. I always retreat quietly in difficult situations, withdraw, come to terms with things, work out a plan. Let your assailants think you've gone, let them celebrate, let them drop their guard, you'll come back with a plan, and you'll win.
The lesson from the arrest:
My advice to anyone in this situation - don't cause a fuss, no matter how emotional, just be cooperative and well behaved, don't be the bad guy. If you're innocent tell them everything, you've got nothing to hide.
Most importantly tell the truth. A psychotherapist I know said at the time "If you re telling the truth it's easy to remember the truth, lies are really difficult, the brain struggles to remember lies. One of you is telling the truth, the other one's going to have a really difficult time of it".
Immediate Aftermath
I spent the weekend staring at the internet, anything to take my mind off things. I couldn't do anything until Monday. I went for a long drive too. I also made a lot of phone calls to people who practically mattered, the ones who could help me steer a direction, and the ones who knew how to prop me up.
The biggest shock was that the first 3 people I turned to all turned their backs on me. That could have finished me on the spot, but you can't let it. The 20 or so after that could't do enough for me, you have to be prepared for anything.
Monday it was lawyers - you have to get your priorities straight. My situation had 3 parts:
1. The children, getting to see them as quickly as possible
2. The defamation that was beginning to spread like fire- there's always someone in the background who wants to see you fail, and I had that someone doing as much damage to my reputation as humanly possible
3. The criminal case - but that could wait.
Lawyers are lawyers isn't a fact. There are good ones, bad ones and outright useless dangerous greedy scumbag ones with no backbone or moral fibre. I did my research thoroughly calling on everyone I knew for a steer. I got a good family lawyer who assured me she would win this. It's important to note at this point that in recent years the laws have changed, that the days of the McDonalds Dads are over - these days the system wants both parents playing an active part in your childrens' lives, shared parental responsibility . The law has taken some massive steps forward from days gone by, but the first part of the process is more broken than ever - I don't see how anyone can initially be deprived of seeing their kids going through something like this - the system is so badly abused because it has gone too far in the opposite direction.
My next job was to close down the defamation quickly. For this I found my own Rottweiler, the sort of lawyer you really wouldn't want to meet. It worked, I don't need to cover anymore on this, other than to say the defamation stopped immediately, while the uncertainty of what would happen next for the person spreading it lasted for a long time - theirs became a world of stress and anxiety.
Then there was the job of the criminal case. I'd been saving evidence for a year, that eventually turned into a 150-page report full of links to all the voice recordings that showed what I'd been put through. I wasn't planning on doing time in prison for something just because of an accusation.
I visited my criminal lawyer and covered the way forward. A long road of waiting was the next step. The system is overloaded, there's nothing you can do about it. The usual reminders to stay well away from my assailant etc were given.
With everything done that I could do I set off on my trip abroad. I didn't want to go but everyone coming on it persuaded me to. Best thing I ever did, because for a few days it carried me. We weren t going on a p*ss up, that would have been a bad idea, but instead we were going to a sports event - focussing on that took my mind away from everything - it was good respite for my sanity. I remember thinking I'd be arrested again at either end of the channel, I prepared everyone for just that. When we made it through French passport control I drove straight to the nearest layby, got down on the ground and kissed it - I'll never forget seeing the dog turd right next to my face and thinking that was ok as I kissed the piss stained tarmac.
On return to the UK I checked into a friend's house a long way from home. From heron in I took the decision that the only way I was going to stay sane was to distance myself from the area I used to live in, and to block the children from my subconscious. I've since discovered this is a well-used survival mechanism for a lot of parents separated from their kids, like in times of war etc.
Two more weekends of sports events really helped, and once they were done I went abroad to stay with family, and decided as I could work from anywhere, I'd stay abroad for as long as it took until I could see my children again. The expectations were in months not days.
I tried to arrange to visit my children at school before I left England, but in the end all the authorities concluded it would create complications, so I didn' qt pursue it any further.
During this time I lost my criminal lawyer because of a conflict-of-interest error by their administration team - that was a bitter and unnecessary blow caused by a mixture of greed and a serious lack of due diligence.
What next?
I'm going to break this down into cases. While the timelines are interlinked this isn t a story about me and how I dealt with life, it's a list of events and lessons learned. It was split into 2 main parts - criminal and family. There was more stuff I had to deal with but I don't think it's relevant to the things that you need to know.
The Criminal Case
Almost immediately after I was released the police sent me some forms to sign. During my interview I spelt out 3 situations where my assailant had broken the law, two of them were very serious. I sat on those forms and never signed them. Had I signed them a new world of criminal investigations would have commenced, and bearing in mind I had all the evidence I needed, that could have landed my assailant, the mother of my children, with a criminal record, the end of a career being the most important consequence. It served no benefit to my children and for me that was all that mattered.
I found a new lawyer with a good track record. The first thing he did was give me bad press on the police. The second thing he did was tell me we do nothing until the police decide to do something, then we fight it. The third thing he did was not understand how I like to work.
A criminal lawyer I know said not cooperating with the police is the worst thing you can do, because if you're innocent their job just becomes harder. He also said many lawyers want a case to go to court, that's their theatre. However, that's not what you want. I wanted this gone. So, I changed lawyers for a guy who was known for working with the police, and paid him to prepare a case for my own piece of mind.
The one thing they tell you to never fail on is attending bail. I arranged a clear-out of my family home with the police for the week before my bail hearing, and continued to remain abroad. At all times I let the sergeant managing the case know where I was by email, leaving no room for doubt about my conduct and intentions.
On the day of the clear out we had vans, friends, chaos, and the Sergeant called me over for a chat. First thing he tells me is he's dropping my bail. I asked what does that mean for the clear-out? And he told me "it s your house, you can come and go as you please". Remarkable.
This was only 3 months after the arrest. There are no certainties with anything but I got the impression this case was going nowhere. The second thing he did was have a "word in your shell-like" chat man-to-man, the police are human beings too, we all have opinions, his was scary, interesting and wasted on me, but it covered the stupidity of people who regularly go back to the person who caused them the problem in the first place. It was a very helpful off-the-record chat, he went above and beyond the call of duty. The third thing he did was tell me "your behaviour has been exemplary, even when [my assailant called the police on a separate occasion] you had done nothing wrong."
Just before Christmas the case was dropped. And that was it.
Lessons from the Criminal Case:
It can take time, a very long time. My 6 months was a short amount of time. There are all sorts of politically correct quotas to meet too, and my case fitted perfectly into a load of them I'm guessing, so it could have had plenty of legs in the broken system. I’m guessing it only ended quickly because the case was too woolly, and my assailant must have let herself down in the process. But no matter how un-just it was I stayed away, I behaved properly and professionally, and I made sure I had a lawyer who did the same. And I worked with facts, I spent weeks writing everything up backed by facts.
Whilst I've pointed out earlier that the police don't make the law, they do make recommendations to CPS. CPS use those recommendations to decide if a case should be pursued, or more cynically if a case can be won (it seems regardless of whether it will benefit society or not). In my teenage years I ended up living some of my time with a station sergeant and his wife. When I later told him my story, and when we got to the part about me talking to the other police at check-in on the night of my arrest, all about the product of mine they were using themselves, he said "that s the moment I would have known you were innocent, your mind was on the outside world already, you had dismissed this as not being real - guilty people focus on how they re going to deal with the situation, or how they're going to get out of it - you didn t".
I was ready for a full court battle. I did nothing but prepare, I was ready for a fight. And I laid low, and stayed as far away from trouble as you possibly can. Some of this served me very well in the family courts, more on this later.
The forms I didn t sign still sit in my folder. It's important to point out that unlike civil law, criminal law seems to have no time limit...let that just sink in.
The Family Case
Round1
This is a very difficult situation to be in, because your children drive most of your emotions.
In many ways what made things worse was the odd occasion my children found a phone in the house and secretly rang me, they were only little, and very confused, and all I could tell them was that I loved them and that I d see them soon, nothing else, anything could be a trap.
The start of the process was my lawyers writing to the children s mother to arrange a mutual contact and meeting place for me and the children to see each other. The pushback from her lawyers was a shock to me, but not to my lawyers. I was basically deemed unsafe to be around them think Jimmy Saville and you ll get the idea.
The next part to this is normally mediation. My lawyers not only successfully by-passed any form of mediation but applied for an emergency hearing. I was told it could be 3 months.
The first break for me happened on the way to my final sports trip. On the Ferry I took a call from Social Services where I heard some interesting things, including a vital piece of information one of my children had said they d been given a script to learn. Now I needed the Social Services report to be filed. The biggest risk to this is the risk of a Social Worker leaving their post this is common and disjointed, because when it happens Social Services start the whole process all over again, the most stupid miscarriage of justice I ve ever heard of, because now your kids are going longer without seeing their parent.
In a next stroke of luck the mother s party filed for a non-molestation order with a long list of allegations. This would mean appearing in court trying to prove my innocence. The broken part of the system is the Magistrates Courts I ve seen people beaten about the bush for months in this system, but the seriousness of the allegations made against me took this straight to the County Courts. My lawyers skilfully managed to get the Judge to agree to open a Family Courts hearing off the back of the non-molestation one, and suddenly I was being summoned back to England to attend.
Then came news that the Social Worker was leaving her post - it was devastating. However, beyond anything I could comprehend she finished her lengthy report on this case and submitted it in the last hours of her employment. When my children turn 18 I m going to track her down and tell her the impact of her actions, I really have no words, I was very lucky.
In Court the child s mother s barrister went on a long rant about what a violent, abusive, unsafe low-life I was. It s hard listening to all that, especially when none of it is true. She even played the racist card, it was a level of low I ve never seen before. My barrister was canny carefully picked. Rather than go on the defensive she simply explained none of the allegations were true, and made it all about the need for the children to see their Dad. She then referred the judge to the Social Services report, and we all sat in silence while the Judge read it to herself.
What followed was a lot of angry dialogue from the Judge. I knew she was p****d off with one of us but I couldn t figure out who it was. Turned out it wasn t me. I d been forewarned from my solicitor that the best we could hope for at this stage was phone or possibly supervised contact with the children. This judge declared full unsupervised contact immediately until the next hearing. At the advice of my lawyer I rejected the non-molestation order but agreed to a voluntary arrangement to show my lack of intention to be around my assailant it was a 12 month arrangement, I saw no harm in it if it got me access to my children.
In the court much time was spent agreeing contact persons for pick up and drop-off of the children, carefully planned to ensure no contact between both parties and for good reason with me being on bail, with the judge not wanting to see anything done to complicate that situation.
That Saturday I drove to my meeting place. I had a back up in the car park filming everything because I didn t trust what could happen next. I messaged both pick up persons, who both replied confused knowing nothing about the arrangement my assailant had just breached the court order.
Instead of keeping in the shadows my assailant presented herself in full view of me, then sent only one of my children with her son to greet me at the car court breach number 2. I was devastated and overjoyed at the same time, but rather than do anything about the missing child I just got in the car with my son and we drove away.
What my emotions should have made me do is storm across the park to grab my other child breach of bail, me looking like the bad guy. But no, that would be understandable but foolish, remember you have to remain composed, let them be the bad guy.
My assailant had given my son a bag with things in it and a note addressed to me asking me to do a few things including drop my son back 2 hours early court breaches number 3 and 4 no direct contact and going against the times of the arrangement thank you very much.
During the afternoon I arranged with a mutual party connected to the family to cover the pick-up. He discussed it with my assailant, who, because there is a God, listened to the advice of an idiot she was taking counsel from who decided that I was breaching my bail conditions and told her to call the police. When your enemy is screwing up the one thing you should never do is interfere, just sit back and let them get on with it. It was worse that this was a supposed to be a close friend, but he was doing me a massive favour because not only was he thick, but he was also arrogant a perfect combination.
As a precaution I called the police too for advice on what to do, they advised me I was doing the right thing because a court order had been breached. They gave me the reference number of the call so that its recording could be used in court.
I spent the afternoon preparing to be arrested at the drop off point, I had everything ready, all my contingency plans in place. I even parked in front of a CCTV camera. But in the end nothing, my son was collected and that was the end of that.
First thing Monday morning the details of the event were sent to my lawyer who like me was disappointed, but happy, my assailant had just shown that she could take on a judge, I could be vindicated.
Round 2
There were 3 weeks to the next hearing, during which time I only had one child presented each weekend. I had a CAFCASS interview, so did the children where they talked about how much they missed me. In that time we (my lawyers and I) had to deal with all the very serious allegations made against me for the next hearing.
My lawyers took the position that they were going to focus on the needs of the children. We made counter allegations but only in defence of all the allegations made.
In court my barrister read out past cases that led to the conclusion that the whole series of allegations made against me was not beneficial to the needs of the children, and pointed out that we had hard evidence to counter every single one of them and could illustrate everything that I had actually been put through, pointing out that the real abused party was me, and we could prove it. In the interests of the children however we wanted to spare my assailant all of that and get on with the job of agreeing a way forward.
Everything was thrown out, just as it should be. My assailant clearly hadn t worked out that until now that she wasn t running the show, and all those breaches of the court order came back to haunt her. The whole hearing went very badly for one us, and it wasn t me. The session ended with contact ordered for both children now with overnight sessions added until the final hearing.
That Saturday both children were presented to me, you really don t want to be on the wrong side of a court order no matter what anybody tells you.
The very first thing I did was take the children to the shops to buy their mother a birthday present, and there began the start of my position that has served the children in good stead ever since: a good relationship with their mother, practical support for the family unit, but I ll have nothing to do with my assailant outside of that. It continues well to this day.
What followed was a series of family intervention, assailant realisation, negotiating back and forwards with me working out what I wanted out of this. And then the final hearing happened.
Whatever I chose, based on a whole bunch of factors, things that had happened, would be more-or-less what I would end up with. The children s mother had it spelt out to her that she d run out of road with her approach, and everything started to change.
Over time I was given the reassurance that everyone could work together, and that s what we went to the courts with. All parties cooperated and we ended up with an outcome that suited all (though a few small stunts were pulled but immediately rejected in the final hearing) and the mother even offered to counter a direction from the judge just to suit my preferences I almost fell off my char.
The alternative was the system throwing the children to me full-time. I had to take a fair assessment of the whole situation - with every other aspect she did a very good job with the children, she d just let anger and jealousy grossly cloud her own judgement that doesn t mean she couldn t continue to do an excellent job with the children. There were also other relatives living with the children, and losing them would have been a negative, especially their half-sibling.
And that was it, it was all over life could begin with this whole s
t show behind me.Lessons from the family courts:
In my opinion a good lawyer will focus on the defence, being on the attack doesn t work well in family courts, being on the defence and making it about the needs of the children does. He said /she said stuff seems to wind everyone up, remove emotion and focus on the children s needs only and you ll be seen as the sensible party.
During one of the hearings, I was accused of standing outside of the family home intimidating my assailant. My barrister asked for the date of that incident, pointing out we had full Google maps history this stuff is great, it shows where you ve been, and can even work out if you were on a car or a motorbike! If you ve got nothing to hide switch it on. The fact was I was abroad most of the time, so any claims were going to be like p***ing in the wind in front of the courts.
I went one step further, twice every day I went to a local Tesco middle of the day and evening, stopping to pose in front of the camera. I knew they keep recordings for a long time, that was my back-up.
I also put people on the spot, including one of our mutual friends to confirm an event that took place that completely contradicted my assailant s allegations. The friend confirmed my statement in writing, and then dropped me from their life for good. Nobody wants to risk perjury in a court, so don t be afraid to get the truth out of anyone. They were worth losing.
The most important thing was that conduct again. As the sergeant I lived with as a teenager said nobody reaches your time of life to suddenly start becoming a criminal, the courts and the police aren t that stupid . My solicitor told me some clients can have everything in their grasp and throw it away with an angry text to their assailant how could you be so naive?
What my solicitor and barrister told me is what a good client I was, because I listened, and most clients apparently don t. My assailant didn t listen to her legal team, or if she did then they were useless, because they made a very bad account of themselves and of her in the courtroom. I used to give my solicitors the detailed facts, but they would work out the strategy my job was to trust them that this was the right approach. If you ve got a bad solicitor you re sunk, but equally I d say if you ve got a bad solicitor change them for a good one.
All the bits you need to know
In order:
1. Don t go back you can t fix broken. Apparently many people do don t even consider it
2. Don t throw the towel in, ever, your children will always need you
3. Everything you put in writing is there for ever, you will never get rid of it. Choose your words carefully. Every single message that I write I do so with the picture of a judge reading it in my mind. By coincidence I read something 2 days after writing this that said you should always do just that! If it isn t polite and factual it isn t being sent. Many times I ve sat on messages before sending just in case. There is not one single message I ve ever sent that was out of place. A friend of mine was prosecuted for calling his wife an idiot on a text message the law around telecommunications is bizarre. It has served me well, and served those who tried to ruin me very badly. My assailant once a month sends me an emotional pantomime. I know its just emotions, but in the eyes of the system she's made herself look really bad should I ever need to go back to court.
4. There are charities out there who will offer practical and real help Fathers for Justice, Parents Against Parental Alienation join their groups on Social Media and reach out to them if you need to.
5. Don t f**k about when you re under attack. As one of my friends said to another who were both in similar situations he s got more out of this in 3 months than we ve had in years . That s because if you come up against me I m going to shoot, both barrels, and the grenades, the mustard gas, the whole deal. Many people hold back on things, there is no point. Shoot with everything, deal with the mess afterwards. Had the criminal case gone ahead I would have signed those papers, and a whole new world of explosions would have hit my assailant. Not my problem, I was out to win, not to be railroaded.
6. Don t get emotional in your actions, ever, there will never be an excuse in the eyes of the system you are judged on your actions. I think that is a massive fail point in the broken system but you literally have to become a robot, nothing else. If you want to get emotional keep it to yourself or the people you can trust
7. Keep everything, every bit of evidence, and write it all up in a big story in sequenced order your lawyers then have something to fight your corner with.
8. People will turn on you ignore it. Lawyers letters scare the hell out of gossipers, everyone else wasn t worth having. I ve got parents at school who still won t speak to me anymore, no f**ks given, they re just worthless pieces of sh**t in my eyes because they never had the decency to ask for my side of the story. I don t need those people in my life I already got more friends than I can handle. Don t let social anxiety make a difference to anything perhaps this will be the moment you realise it was never worth it in the first place. Oh and make sure if you need evidence from someone you get it, nobody wants to face purjury charges. If it costs you a "friendship" they were never your friends. I had a cleaner wating to testify against my assailant because she wanted to do the right thing, she knew I wasn't the bad guy, she'd been in our house enough to know what really went on.
9. Google Maps is your friend. It backs up your account of history.
10. Surround yourself with sensible people, don t involve anyone else. Any friends in the legal system, the smart cookies, the winners in life everyone else can wait. I had one friend I visited every night when I was with the family, everybody else didn t even know I was home he knew how to support and then take my mind away from it, that kept me sane. I had other friends storing and filing evidence, helping me when I needed to organise evidence remembering the things I d forgotten. You need strong people, it s a support network, everyone else can wait
11. Don t drink, anything. When you re drunk you drop your guard, and the worst can happen. It s a major fail point in these types of cases. I either wrote my reports or watched things that I was interested in to keep me occupied. I didn t even go out until my bail was dropped. Entering a pub for the first time was surreal, I just couldn t get over it.
12. PTSD is real and it will hit you in its own way I spent a long time unable to open the curtains in the morning, expecting to be arrested. The site of a police car would cause me to prepare for being taken away. If you have recurring nightmares, get professional help, quickly. One hour for me and my nightmares disappeared. Get a Doctor s letter, this will give you a lot of lenience with the authorities if you re unorganised and messing up later. Going through something like this is seen as having serious effects on your mental health. PTSD can take a while to get passed, I d say for me it vanished completely after 2 years and 3 months. Some things will change for a long time if not forever. I used to sit in a chair, my friend threw a light blanket over me. After that I couldn t sleep under a quilt. Even in winter I would freeze under a light blanket. 2 nights ago I suddenly wanted a quilt again, and that was it, the last remnant gone.
13. Your support network will be hit hard. Living through this nightmare will have a deep impact on the people you surround yourself with. Long after I ve recovered into what is the happiest time of my life, I can still see the scars left on those who helped me to get through it. Some were visibly angered or shaken by the experience, especially because they didn t understand how anyone could be criminalised and alienated the way I was but it happens, a lot more than you realise. I can still see the scars, the anger etc. Some still talk about it, others don t want to. I certainly put them all through it, like delegation, but it was what I needed to do. Don t deal with this alone, use everyone, that s what friends are for. They may be left scarred, but knowing they were there for you will ultimately mean more to them.
14. Think of the children - make sure your assailant always knows where they stand. I m practically supportive but everything else its over. There is now a very good working relationship, both parties work extremely well together for the sake of the children, even mutual business support. The emotional side I can t fix. I m happier than a pig in s
t, from what I can tell my assailant has emotionally lost everything.I ve seen parents go to war on each other long after the process is over, it scars the children. Both of mine know the parents will support parenting in both directions, so they are happy little children. We work flexibly, very flexibly none of this nonsense of no that s my day so you can t so it just becomes about the kids, and that s it. So part way through a day they may duck in and out of both homes to suit what they want to do its good. And both parents see the value in time with and without the children.
Most people think I should hate my assailant, I don t. I think she s just not well. Yes she did something very evil, but it cost her everything. Did she want to lose everything? No. I don t trust her, but I don t hate her, I just haven t got a clue who she really is. But she s the one who s got to live with it, not me I m where I always wanted to be.
15. Don t complicate things the next relationship. I can t believe the number of parents newly separated who run out to find the next relationship. Your marriage is destroyed so you need to grieve it, and in a case like this you have PTSD that takes a bit of dealing with. Running into the arms of someone when your head isn t right is just kicking the can further down the road. Getting back to normal in your own time will leave you knowing exactly what you want out of life, and in the end you ll become very very happy. When you re happy to the point that you know you re not prepared to let anything risk what you ve now got, you ll suddenly attract partners like flies to a piece of s**t. There is no rush, there are many many unhinged nutcases out there ready to put you through it all over again when the time is right. When you know what you want you ll also know what you don t want, which means you re far less likely to screw it up again
16. Continue to keep evidence, prepare for the next round, never drop your guard.
I wish anyone luck who encounters this. The law and awareness of it is getting better around the world but there is a long way to go. I guess the best thing you can do is choose wisely don t go for someone just because they re a bit tasty thinking you can fix the crazy bits
Finally I ll leave you with a story. There are lots of cases I know of where grown-up children have hunted down their estranged parent, and left the one who isolated them for dust many in my own social circle.
The most interesting was a shop I have been using for years.
The owner and his son are identical, live together, work together, bicker together etc they even have the same name. The owner was a bit negative towards my situation when it happened; a few days ago his son told me his story.
His Mum and Dad separated when he was 15, and his Mum told him that his Dad wasn t his real Dad. His real Dad lived in a nearby town and owned a shop, he d been abusive and a bad man, so she saved her son from him at the age of 4.
Without a clue who this real Dad was he left his mother s house never to see her again. He found his real Dad, and the rest is history.
It was ultimate betrayal to a child he told me. He never stopped to hear her excuses, her version of events, nothing. He just walked out and left her for good. She had used abuse , police, courts, everything to keep the Dad from seeing his son, until in the end he gave up. But ultimately in the long run it cost her everything.
The Dad is too kind, popular and laid back to be the monster she described, but the game she played worked for a while. Her motive? Turns out she d met a new man and wanted the old one gone, and in those days she could get away with it.
There are a few lessons to that story. But it does seem very common to use children as weapons against partners; disgusting but it happens. Your job is to be a robot, rise above it and fight it until you win. Then don t let the children become damaged goods like the parent.
The End.
Edited by wsn03 on Monday 17th November 23:24
Edited by wsn03 on Tuesday 18th November 10:18
bucksmanuk said:
wsn03 said:
There are lots of cases I know of where grown-up children have hunted down their estranged parent, and left the one who isolated them for dust many in my own social circle.
I know 3 occasions of this.Incredible read, and some priceless advice in there.
And thank you for the feedback, I hope its useful for people - my plan next is to get it in a National. My work in this type of situation is only just beginning, but that's another story.
Hugo Stiglitz said:
Although not a partner, I know someone who was locked up due to an issue with his son. Luckily he was cleared and returned home straight after the interview
I'm glad he was cleared and returned, its still a major ordeal just being arrested, you don't realise until it happens. Hope he's got past it okBigBen said:
Not sure if it is right to say I enjoyed reading that as it is not really what I mean but well done to the OP for documenting all of this I am sure there is something useful in there for a lot of people.
That's incredibly good feedback, very much the right thing to say, because it means it was interesting. Its tough producing a long story and keeping someones interest. This means I hopefully got the balance right. I really need people to read this to help others who get caught up in it. This is a trial run for a National, so thank you, really appreciate the feedback.Good read, thank you.
My dad had this with his second wife, including false reports of domestic abuse etc.. My dad is an idiot sometimes, but he wouldn t hurt a fly.
He gave up in the end when she had indoctrinated my two half brothers so much that they believed the lies and wouldn t even talk to him, but didn t give up hope. On my one brothers 17th birthday he bought him a car, and that freedom meant that he could visit my dad without his mum knowing.
Eventually he realised that his mum was nuts (maybe with a little help like me, I had 10 years of emotional abuse from her)and also eventually brought his younger brother around to the idea.
Now, they have very little to do with their mum, who is an angry alcoholic, and when they come back from London they stay with dad.
My dad had this with his second wife, including false reports of domestic abuse etc.. My dad is an idiot sometimes, but he wouldn t hurt a fly.
He gave up in the end when she had indoctrinated my two half brothers so much that they believed the lies and wouldn t even talk to him, but didn t give up hope. On my one brothers 17th birthday he bought him a car, and that freedom meant that he could visit my dad without his mum knowing.
Eventually he realised that his mum was nuts (maybe with a little help like me, I had 10 years of emotional abuse from her)and also eventually brought his younger brother around to the idea.
Now, they have very little to do with their mum, who is an angry alcoholic, and when they come back from London they stay with dad.
Edited by james6546 on Tuesday 18th November 08:20
I am exhausted just reading that, so how you managed to fight your way through it all, commands nothing but my respect.
I sense that was cathartic to write - laying down a time line and making sense of it all. An excellent piece of writing.
A friend of mine has just had his estranged daughter re-enter his life, after 20 years of her being told he was a monster. They are a comedy double act - she adores him but she's heartbroken she lost so much of her formative years without him. It's a dangerous game to play, because she is now completely estranged from her mother - indescribably angry at what she considers to be a betrayal.
She is also incredibly happy she has dad, and he is one of life's good guys.
I sense that was cathartic to write - laying down a time line and making sense of it all. An excellent piece of writing.
A friend of mine has just had his estranged daughter re-enter his life, after 20 years of her being told he was a monster. They are a comedy double act - she adores him but she's heartbroken she lost so much of her formative years without him. It's a dangerous game to play, because she is now completely estranged from her mother - indescribably angry at what she considers to be a betrayal.
She is also incredibly happy she has dad, and he is one of life's good guys.
Had something similar but no estranged kids involved, ex developed a drug habit after we split and would always demand money, if I didn't hand it over the accusations would come and as I lived alone the knock on the door would leave to handcuffs and a visit to the station. It all stopped when I met a copper and had a cast iron witness that I'd never left the house.
I have custody now but I had 8 years of sheer hell.
I have custody now but I had 8 years of sheer hell.
StevieBee said:
I don't say this to be trite or demeaning in any way - quite the opposite in fact.... but you should think about writing that up as a screen play. There's a story there that I think needs to be told and can see this working as a TV drama.
Thank you, what a compliment to the recap of events. I will do anything to get this story out there if its deemed to have legs - I won't stop until the system changes to stop this over-abuse. I've edited parts of this and included a point - this is not gender specific, men have cheated children of their mothers too, its disturbing and it needs to stop. I know people in the TV industry, so I'll look into this. Many thanksGassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff