Messy relationship - worth the fight?
Discussion
Hey all
Over the summer, against all the odds, I started dating this girl who I always thought was mega out my league. The connection was incredible, we fell deeply in love, but the ups and downs were pretty extreme. After a disaterous first holiday together, and a nasty breakup, we split up a couple of week before Christmas.
After both promising ourselves and eachother we'd never get back together, we were seeing eachother again before the New Year. Lol.
She made loads of promises about fixing everything - as most of the nastiness, fighting, and the breakup itself, were all instigated by her, I took this as a good sign, and came back cautiously.
Things have been better but still somewhat messy. Worryingly, I have been starting most of these fights myself this time around, and have done some really upsetting things to her in recent times. I think I probably hold some leftover resentment from everything that she did the first time round, even if I don't always realise it myself. Not an excuse, but the last few weeks have been incredibly stressful with work and personal drama, and now we are on a second big fight in as many weeks. One fight was nastier than anything we had pre-breakup - I thought we could bounce back but the atmosphere has been a bit awkward ever since.
It's a tricky conudrum. I love this girl more than anyone else I've ever met in my life. She's funny, intellgient, and absolutely stunning. I don't really want to be without her again, but our track record is not great. I feel we are solidly in the young and dumb phase (I'm 24, she's 20), and we could be both blinded by our emotion to what might be obvious to anyone else. On the other hand, real genuine connection is rare, and might I be stupid to say goodbye to someone who so strongly feels like a soulmate. I'm lucky to meet tonnes of women my age in my line of work, but never once has someone sparked this magnetic connection like I felt with her immediately. Compared to my exes as well, nobody has even got close to her. In terms of sense of humour, music taste, values, interests, she does feel very one of a kind.
I'm aware 24 isn't exactly old. But, I would like to be seriously thinking about wife and kids by 30, and it feel's like I'm waiting for the proverbial penny to drop, something to click into place, and for us to enter into a nice calm chill relationship. In my mind it's possible, but all there's been is chaotic ups and downs so far.
So - try and smooth things out with her, or accept this might not be possible and try something else?
Over the summer, against all the odds, I started dating this girl who I always thought was mega out my league. The connection was incredible, we fell deeply in love, but the ups and downs were pretty extreme. After a disaterous first holiday together, and a nasty breakup, we split up a couple of week before Christmas.
After both promising ourselves and eachother we'd never get back together, we were seeing eachother again before the New Year. Lol.
She made loads of promises about fixing everything - as most of the nastiness, fighting, and the breakup itself, were all instigated by her, I took this as a good sign, and came back cautiously.
Things have been better but still somewhat messy. Worryingly, I have been starting most of these fights myself this time around, and have done some really upsetting things to her in recent times. I think I probably hold some leftover resentment from everything that she did the first time round, even if I don't always realise it myself. Not an excuse, but the last few weeks have been incredibly stressful with work and personal drama, and now we are on a second big fight in as many weeks. One fight was nastier than anything we had pre-breakup - I thought we could bounce back but the atmosphere has been a bit awkward ever since.
It's a tricky conudrum. I love this girl more than anyone else I've ever met in my life. She's funny, intellgient, and absolutely stunning. I don't really want to be without her again, but our track record is not great. I feel we are solidly in the young and dumb phase (I'm 24, she's 20), and we could be both blinded by our emotion to what might be obvious to anyone else. On the other hand, real genuine connection is rare, and might I be stupid to say goodbye to someone who so strongly feels like a soulmate. I'm lucky to meet tonnes of women my age in my line of work, but never once has someone sparked this magnetic connection like I felt with her immediately. Compared to my exes as well, nobody has even got close to her. In terms of sense of humour, music taste, values, interests, she does feel very one of a kind.
I'm aware 24 isn't exactly old. But, I would like to be seriously thinking about wife and kids by 30, and it feel's like I'm waiting for the proverbial penny to drop, something to click into place, and for us to enter into a nice calm chill relationship. In my mind it's possible, but all there's been is chaotic ups and downs so far.
So - try and smooth things out with her, or accept this might not be possible and try something else?
I've never replied to one of these threads before, but I'd echo the sentiment of the poster above. If you're fighting, having drama, and breaking up so early in a relationship, I'd seriously question its future.
Why was your first holiday together so disastrous?
I suppose if you're serious about your relationship with her and want to give it a go, maybe look at why you're fighting? Are you both having clashes of personality/opinion? Is she reacting unreasonably to things you're doing/saying? I suppose what I'm getting at is to look at the patterns of hers (and your own) behaviour. Has she had this kind of tempestuous relationship before?
Why was your first holiday together so disastrous?
I suppose if you're serious about your relationship with her and want to give it a go, maybe look at why you're fighting? Are you both having clashes of personality/opinion? Is she reacting unreasonably to things you're doing/saying? I suppose what I'm getting at is to look at the patterns of hers (and your own) behaviour. Has she had this kind of tempestuous relationship before?
GTI Tom said:
Hey all
Over the summer, against all the odds, I started dating this girl who I always thought was mega out my league. The connection was incredible, we fell deeply in love, but the ups and downs were pretty extreme. After a disaterous first holiday together, and a nasty breakup, we split up a couple of week before Christmas.
After both promising ourselves and eachother we'd never get back together, we were seeing eachother again before the New Year. Lol.
She made loads of promises about fixing everything - as most of the nastiness, fighting, and the breakup itself, were all instigated by her, I took this as a good sign, and came back cautiously.
Things have been better but still somewhat messy. Worryingly, I have been starting most of these fights myself this time around, and have done some really upsetting things to her in recent times. I think I probably hold some leftover resentment from everything that she did the first time round, even if I don't always realise it myself. Not an excuse, but the last few weeks have been incredibly stressful with work and personal drama, and now we are on a second big fight in as many weeks. One fight was nastier than anything we had pre-breakup - I thought we could bounce back but the atmosphere has been a bit awkward ever since.
It's a tricky conudrum. I love this girl more than anyone else I've ever met in my life. She's funny, intellgient, and absolutely stunning. I don't really want to be without her again, but our track record is not great. I feel we are solidly in the young and dumb phase (I'm 24, she's 20), and we could be both blinded by our emotion to what might be obvious to anyone else. On the other hand, real genuine connection is rare, and might I be stupid to say goodbye to someone who so strongly feels like a soulmate. I'm lucky to meet tonnes of women my age in my line of work, but never once has someone sparked this magnetic connection like I felt with her immediately. Compared to my exes as well, nobody has even got close to her. In terms of sense of humour, music taste, values, interests, she does feel very one of a kind.
I'm aware 24 isn't exactly old. But, I would like to be seriously thinking about wife and kids by 30, and it feel's like I'm waiting for the proverbial penny to drop, something to click into place, and for us to enter into a nice calm chill relationship. In my mind it's possible, but all there's been is chaotic ups and downs so far.
So - try and smooth things out with her, or accept this might not be possible and try something else?
Bail out now , if you can't manage the start of a relationship without fighting and breaking up you have zero chance later in life when kids/mortgages etc are thrown into the mix . Disaster waiting to happen , and you know it .Over the summer, against all the odds, I started dating this girl who I always thought was mega out my league. The connection was incredible, we fell deeply in love, but the ups and downs were pretty extreme. After a disaterous first holiday together, and a nasty breakup, we split up a couple of week before Christmas.
After both promising ourselves and eachother we'd never get back together, we were seeing eachother again before the New Year. Lol.
She made loads of promises about fixing everything - as most of the nastiness, fighting, and the breakup itself, were all instigated by her, I took this as a good sign, and came back cautiously.
Things have been better but still somewhat messy. Worryingly, I have been starting most of these fights myself this time around, and have done some really upsetting things to her in recent times. I think I probably hold some leftover resentment from everything that she did the first time round, even if I don't always realise it myself. Not an excuse, but the last few weeks have been incredibly stressful with work and personal drama, and now we are on a second big fight in as many weeks. One fight was nastier than anything we had pre-breakup - I thought we could bounce back but the atmosphere has been a bit awkward ever since.
It's a tricky conudrum. I love this girl more than anyone else I've ever met in my life. She's funny, intellgient, and absolutely stunning. I don't really want to be without her again, but our track record is not great. I feel we are solidly in the young and dumb phase (I'm 24, she's 20), and we could be both blinded by our emotion to what might be obvious to anyone else. On the other hand, real genuine connection is rare, and might I be stupid to say goodbye to someone who so strongly feels like a soulmate. I'm lucky to meet tonnes of women my age in my line of work, but never once has someone sparked this magnetic connection like I felt with her immediately. Compared to my exes as well, nobody has even got close to her. In terms of sense of humour, music taste, values, interests, she does feel very one of a kind.
I'm aware 24 isn't exactly old. But, I would like to be seriously thinking about wife and kids by 30, and it feel's like I'm waiting for the proverbial penny to drop, something to click into place, and for us to enter into a nice calm chill relationship. In my mind it's possible, but all there's been is chaotic ups and downs so far.
So - try and smooth things out with her, or accept this might not be possible and try something else?
One think that sparked my interest is that you started some of the more recent arguments and accept that you did nasty things. If you love someone, you don't do nasty things to them regardless of what they do. I would suggest that you both may need to accept that you need to change and figure out why you can't resolve issues rationally.
You are both young and so may have a lot more growing up to do, but start by accepting you are both at fault here and talk through what it is that causes the upset between you. You might not make this work, but you both need to understand and learn from what has gone wrong if you are to have a chance at a future happy relationship.
You are both young and so may have a lot more growing up to do, but start by accepting you are both at fault here and talk through what it is that causes the upset between you. You might not make this work, but you both need to understand and learn from what has gone wrong if you are to have a chance at a future happy relationship.
She sounds like a crazy b
h who will eventually lock you in with a baby you didn’t really want and then a life of either child support or resentment and arguing
No joke it happens. My friend was seeing a girl, dumped her and then a week later she was “pregnant” they got back together and she had a mysterious miscarriage, without ever going to hospital. Now she’s got 2 kids with him, doesn’t work so he pays for everything and a home Reno
He is miserable but won’t leave cause of the kids
Run a mile and shag a fatty
h who will eventually lock you in with a baby you didn’t really want and then a life of either child support or resentment and arguing No joke it happens. My friend was seeing a girl, dumped her and then a week later she was “pregnant” they got back together and she had a mysterious miscarriage, without ever going to hospital. Now she’s got 2 kids with him, doesn’t work so he pays for everything and a home Reno
He is miserable but won’t leave cause of the kids
Run a mile and shag a fatty
Get out now, you are blinded by the fact you thought she was out of your league and you are worried you won’t find someone else you find as attractive.
As others have said if you are fighting already it’s never going to magically click into place. At some point it will end in another breakup (or divorce).
As others have said if you are fighting already it’s never going to magically click into place. At some point it will end in another breakup (or divorce).
No, not worth it.
Finding a very attractive ("out of your league") woman who is interested in you is flattering and you obviously want to hang on to her. Many of us will have been in a similar situation.
The thing is that there is more to life than her "being hot".
You need to get on too, not just in a feisty way.
If you don't get on in normal life so early in your relationship, it won't get better when you are dealing with domestic, financial, family, children issues etc.
There will be other women that you "connect with" and get on with better. They will also be attractive to you.
At 24, there is no rush.
Finding a very attractive ("out of your league") woman who is interested in you is flattering and you obviously want to hang on to her. Many of us will have been in a similar situation.
The thing is that there is more to life than her "being hot".
You need to get on too, not just in a feisty way.
If you don't get on in normal life so early in your relationship, it won't get better when you are dealing with domestic, financial, family, children issues etc.
There will be other women that you "connect with" and get on with better. They will also be attractive to you.
At 24, there is no rush.
Edited by MC Bodge on Thursday 5th February 07:39
I am also a Leave advocate.
I have been in a similar relationship, the ups were great but the downs were shockingly bad, couldn't trust her at all.
After we finally split she did everything she could to harm me and to destroy my business.
Everyone told me to quit her, even Relate, but I just hung on and that was a stupid decision.
I have been in a similar relationship, the ups were great but the downs were shockingly bad, couldn't trust her at all.
After we finally split she did everything she could to harm me and to destroy my business.
Everyone told me to quit her, even Relate, but I just hung on and that was a stupid decision.
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