I seem to be getting angry all the time
Discussion
Hi everyone,
I don't really want to post this but here we go.
I'm generally a very placid guy and pretty timid with it. However, recently I've been getting really angry really quickly when I'm at home with my children.
I work away a lot and so just have just been having the weekends with them. This time is precious and I love it but I keep ruining it by getting mad at them. They're only 1 & 2 years old.
90% of the time we're laughing and playing but then they will do something that just triggers me. I want to stress that it's just a telling off they get and nothing more. No hits or insults.
This weekend I told.off my daughter for dropping a cup of milk. She didn't mean to. She came up and said 'Sorry Daddy's and I just felt so awful I could have cried. Poor thing doesn't deserve that.
Does anyone have any tips? I love my children with all my heart and I want to show it and have happy times with them that aren't ruined my a stupid short temper.
I don't really want to post this but here we go.
I'm generally a very placid guy and pretty timid with it. However, recently I've been getting really angry really quickly when I'm at home with my children.
I work away a lot and so just have just been having the weekends with them. This time is precious and I love it but I keep ruining it by getting mad at them. They're only 1 & 2 years old.
90% of the time we're laughing and playing but then they will do something that just triggers me. I want to stress that it's just a telling off they get and nothing more. No hits or insults.
This weekend I told.off my daughter for dropping a cup of milk. She didn't mean to. She came up and said 'Sorry Daddy's and I just felt so awful I could have cried. Poor thing doesn't deserve that.
Does anyone have any tips? I love my children with all my heart and I want to show it and have happy times with them that aren't ruined my a stupid short temper.
Could be stress related due to your work or an extension of the relationship with your wife/partner. It’s not uncommon for the relationship to suffer when young children come along due to a change In routine, time to yourselves, etc.
One way to get over it is to apologise to the child. When you do it.
One way to get over it is to apologise to the child. When you do it.
Possible sign of burn out, many don’t realise it’s happening until it’s on them.
As above, apologise and explain simply you are tired to show it’s not the way you would normally act so it’s not normalised. Be honest with your children so they don’t think it’s something they’ve done and create an atmosphere of tension whenever your around.
Might be worth chatting to someone if you get the chance about your general health / workloads if your away every week….
As above, apologise and explain simply you are tired to show it’s not the way you would normally act so it’s not normalised. Be honest with your children so they don’t think it’s something they’ve done and create an atmosphere of tension whenever your around.
Might be worth chatting to someone if you get the chance about your general health / workloads if your away every week….
I have had periods of the same and for me it was always work related, that then spilled into effecting my home life .
I am 60 and have had many periods during my life where work has had a negative effect on my health, mental and physical, and in turn damaged my home life . I have grown up kids now who can remind me of occasions I ruined or things I did that I regret with all my heart .
In work I pursued goals and achievements at the expense of family and work colleagues. I can't say with confidence it was worth the damage.
I am 60 and have had many periods during my life where work has had a negative effect on my health, mental and physical, and in turn damaged my home life . I have grown up kids now who can remind me of occasions I ruined or things I did that I regret with all my heart .
In work I pursued goals and achievements at the expense of family and work colleagues. I can't say with confidence it was worth the damage.
2 young children, working away leaving your partner to cope all week is not a good recipe.
She is probably exhausted, but you could be too. How much sleep do you get when away, how far/long do you travel for to get home ?
The kids are used to mum all week and what she allows, then a different discipline at the weekend, it can be very difficult for them. Excitable too, seeing Dad.
Its not an easy situation, similar to mine being a weekend dad for different reasons.
You haven't mentioned how you and her get along with the situation, does it strain the relationship? A little resentment creeping in ?
I found taking time off in school holidays and spending quality time with the kids , alone, made a big difference.
She is probably exhausted, but you could be too. How much sleep do you get when away, how far/long do you travel for to get home ?
The kids are used to mum all week and what she allows, then a different discipline at the weekend, it can be very difficult for them. Excitable too, seeing Dad.
Its not an easy situation, similar to mine being a weekend dad for different reasons.
You haven't mentioned how you and her get along with the situation, does it strain the relationship? A little resentment creeping in ?
I found taking time off in school holidays and spending quality time with the kids , alone, made a big difference.
when you are away through the week do you drink? Not necessarily to excess but regularly? This will effect your sleep, your mood and so many other things even if you don't do it at home at the weekends.
Do you get enough exercise when away through the week?
Try and evaluate these things.
Do you get enough exercise when away through the week?
Try and evaluate these things.
BigGingerBob said:
I work away a lot and so just have just been having the weekends with them. This time is precious
Right there is your issue. You're spending the week in adult company and look forward to two days with your kids with the expectation that those two days will be filled with all the joyous parts of being a dad forgetting that this sometimes comes with less joyous bits. You don't have the capacity to cope with that bit and because your time with them is limited, you're more frustrated with this more than you are with whatever they've done to evoke your anger.
The only solution is to recognise this and train your brain to expand its scope of tolerance.
Someone mentioned burn-out and worth keeping tabs on this too. Burn-out doesn't always mean sitting dark room weeping. If you finish the working week already thinking about the next working week, then that will exasperate the problem as your mental capacity to handle non-work stuff is diminished.
My kids are older than yours, and I assume I am too (50's) and I went through the same 18 months ago. I'm a pretty chill bloke but the kids / my wife would do things that would normally be a minor irritant (and easily ignored) but I'd blow up in an irrational rage. Spoke to my doctor, he thought I had depression and I privately organised 6 months of therapy which was fantastic. It doesn't suddenly turn off, there's no Eureka moment, but it helped massively. The week of my last counselling session my eldest son was diagnosed with a pretty horrible disease that's going to negatively impact him for the rest of his life. I really think I'd have struggled had I not already got myself together prior to the event.
I'd put off seeing the Dr for too long and only spoke to him when it got really bad, wish I'd done it sooner. In my circumstances I knew exactly what I was doing and didn't want to do it, but that didn't mean I was able to fix the problem, despite trying. My recommendation - go and see your Dr and be completely honest with them.
I'd put off seeing the Dr for too long and only spoke to him when it got really bad, wish I'd done it sooner. In my circumstances I knew exactly what I was doing and didn't want to do it, but that didn't mean I was able to fix the problem, despite trying. My recommendation - go and see your Dr and be completely honest with them.
Perhaps chronic stress?
If you’re seeing lots of small bits of stress through the day, the body isn’t getting time to decompress and get the stress hormone out of your system.
It builds up until… boom.
And it’ll keep doing it.
Social media is a huge trigger for most people - it’s designed to be.
Watch less click bait, engage less on forums and try removing social media (assuming you have it) for a month. See how it goes.
If it doesn’t work, you haven’t lost anything :-)
If you’re seeing lots of small bits of stress through the day, the body isn’t getting time to decompress and get the stress hormone out of your system.
It builds up until… boom.
And it’ll keep doing it.
Social media is a huge trigger for most people - it’s designed to be.
Watch less click bait, engage less on forums and try removing social media (assuming you have it) for a month. See how it goes.
If it doesn’t work, you haven’t lost anything :-)
Thanks for the inputs everyone. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has experienced this.
Sleep isn't generally fantastic, I'll try harder with that.
Relationship with my wife is pretty bloody good tbh. Rare arguments but certainly more reactive since having children. Lack of sleep and general stresses are to blame I suppose. Even looking at it with a critical eye, I still think we have a fantastic relationship.
I rarely drink.
I'm currently working in Essex and have come up from South Devon this morning so a long way away. We're on holiday next week with the family so I'm really looking forward to fun times and a bit of relaxation!
Sleep isn't generally fantastic, I'll try harder with that.
Relationship with my wife is pretty bloody good tbh. Rare arguments but certainly more reactive since having children. Lack of sleep and general stresses are to blame I suppose. Even looking at it with a critical eye, I still think we have a fantastic relationship.
I rarely drink.
I'm currently working in Essex and have come up from South Devon this morning so a long way away. We're on holiday next week with the family so I'm really looking forward to fun times and a bit of relaxation!
Deviation said:
Perhaps chronic stress?
If you re seeing lots of small bits of stress through the day, the body isn t getting time to decompress and get the stress hormone out of your system.
It builds up until boom.
And it ll keep doing it.
Social media is a huge trigger for most people - it s designed to be.
Watch less click bait, engage less on forums and try removing social media (assuming you have it) for a month. See how it goes.
If it doesn t work, you haven t lost anything :-)
I deleted FB and Instagram and felt a lot more switched on and present but redownload it to look at cars and things to pass the time when working away. If you re seeing lots of small bits of stress through the day, the body isn t getting time to decompress and get the stress hormone out of your system.
It builds up until boom.
And it ll keep doing it.
Social media is a huge trigger for most people - it s designed to be.
Watch less click bait, engage less on forums and try removing social media (assuming you have it) for a month. See how it goes.
If it doesn t work, you haven t lost anything :-)
I'll delete them today, I've brought a book with me to occupy myself.
Regardless of your stress levels and working life OP, your children are very, very young.
Every day for them is new, and they will make mistakes. I'm not sure why a 2yo has got a cup of milk, our son was about 3 before we got him off the Tommy Tippee mug, which he would constantly drop (because he was a child) and would only spill a few drops. No harm done.
Are you and/or your wife perhaps trying to accelerate their development too quickly?
Take a massive chill pill. Accept as a given that your kids will have unintentional accidents almost daily and as long as you don't blow your top at them and just explain what as happened and what they should try to do/not do next time then all will be fine.
Every day for them is new, and they will make mistakes. I'm not sure why a 2yo has got a cup of milk, our son was about 3 before we got him off the Tommy Tippee mug, which he would constantly drop (because he was a child) and would only spill a few drops. No harm done.
Are you and/or your wife perhaps trying to accelerate their development too quickly?
Take a massive chill pill. Accept as a given that your kids will have unintentional accidents almost daily and as long as you don't blow your top at them and just explain what as happened and what they should try to do/not do next time then all will be fine.
I know I get the same way with mine and it's never them, always something else out of kilter in my life, whether it's work stress, lack of sleep, other worries creeping in (#nuclearwar). I have also suffered the visceral remorse that comes with knowing that you were way out of order and this tiny person just doesn't understand the reaction you've given. It's awful.
Everyone is different and obviously as forum is a great way to solicit advice and see what might work.
Here's my suggestion, which given you're away from home during the week, might actually be readable in the evenings, as opposed to two lines at a time in between nappies and snacks. It's called: When the Parents Change, Everything Changes: Seismic Shifts in Children’s Behaviour
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1804941611?ref_=ppx_hz...
I absolutely promise it's not another preachy self help book. My wife is a teacher and the chap wrote a book about school and classroom behaviours which has been adopted widely, including in her secondary and in my kid's primary. This is the companion book for parents really, but I found it really helpful in understanding what was triggering my anger outbursts - really stupid s
t like lights left on, shoes in the way - which I would react to in a way out of proportion scale.
Everyone is different and obviously as forum is a great way to solicit advice and see what might work.
Here's my suggestion, which given you're away from home during the week, might actually be readable in the evenings, as opposed to two lines at a time in between nappies and snacks. It's called: When the Parents Change, Everything Changes: Seismic Shifts in Children’s Behaviour
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1804941611?ref_=ppx_hz...
I absolutely promise it's not another preachy self help book. My wife is a teacher and the chap wrote a book about school and classroom behaviours which has been adopted widely, including in her secondary and in my kid's primary. This is the companion book for parents really, but I found it really helpful in understanding what was triggering my anger outbursts - really stupid s
t like lights left on, shoes in the way - which I would react to in a way out of proportion scale.
BigGingerBob said:
I deleted FB and Instagram and felt a lot more switched on and present but redownload it to look at cars and things to pass the time when working away.
I'll delete them today, I've brought a book with me to occupy myself.
PerfectI'll delete them today, I've brought a book with me to occupy myself.
This will generally be a difficult part of your life though, so try not to overanalyse too much as well
Just accept that things are quite stressful, and that how you react isn’t necessarily a reflection of the person you’re reacting to
You’re only human, and making a conscious effort to do better is already more than 99% of people do
Good luck with it all
I remember one of my daughters, about 2yrs old, having a meltdown and just screaming uncontrollably in my face. I'd never dealt with this behaviour before and my wife having to take over because I was losing it/getting very stressed. I just didn't know how to stop her.
Years later my brother in law described exactly the same situation which made me realise it wasn't just a 'me' thing, it's a life thing, a managing a tiny human thing. I wish I could go back to that point and deal with it in a way I would now.
Years later my brother in law described exactly the same situation which made me realise it wasn't just a 'me' thing, it's a life thing, a managing a tiny human thing. I wish I could go back to that point and deal with it in a way I would now.
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