Crisis - how to intervene?

[macron]

Several related threads but can't see one- have you had to intervene? If so what has helped/ what can help/ what helped you? Can't break through:

Sitch: mid 30's single mum, works a high profile part-time job at a prestigious private school, requires 5am starts 2 days a week, hold that, pay is embarrassing, net is just over 12k pa, BC private schools can get away with it (niche subject, but easily replaceable).

Also tried to run a related business, works until post 8pm on at least one of the days she starts at 5am.

Business washes its face but that's it.

Also has 5 year old, no father involved.

She's failing. At all of it. She's been offered help, in all aspects, but won't take it, and is at the point of self-sabotage with her actions (business is people focused, inappropriate language used, actions taken not being done, at work complaining about others but failing to deliver, has had significant time off with legitimate ills and now unwilling to take any more off despite clearly needing it, shouting at the kid...)

Not sure what the prognosis is, think she probably needs to be signed off for a considerable period from work, but they'll probably make her redundant if she does, so she's reluctant to go anywhere near that. She has free childcare offers and takes some, not all, and plenty of help provided and offered with the biz, a flat no.

How do you break through the fog and get them to see they need help?

[JoshSm]

The harsh but practical answer might be to let them fail, you can't force someone to take help or to see reality.

Unless someone is going to end up hurt, sometimes it might be the only way to get it into their head is by reality kicking the door in rather than continuing to try to intervene.

You're free to try to explain the obvious to them but what's your next step when that doesn't work? It doesn't sound fixable without some hard decisions that you can't make for them.

[Dog Biscuit]

Sounds like a very awkward and delicate situation.

What is your relationship with her? ie is she a friend. family member etc

This is the sort of situation where logic alone probably won’t break through, because she may already know she’s drowning. The “fog” is likely shame, exhaustion, fear of losing income/status, and feeling that accepting help means admitting failure.

The mistake would be trying to convince her with: “You need to do X, Y and Z.” She may hear that as criticism and defend against it.

A better approach is warm, specific, non-negotiable support.

Edited by Dog Biscuit on Saturday 13th June 20:04

[Panamax]

macron said:

Sitch: mid 30's single mum, works a high profile part-time job at a prestigious private school, requires 5am starts 2 days a week, hold that, pay is embarrassing, net is just over 12k pa, BC private schools can get away with it (niche subject, but easily replaceable).

This simply doesn't stack up. Teachers at "prestigious private schools" aren't paid £12,000 a year. I know you said "net" but there's no tax on £12,000 a year so net and gross are pretty much the same figure.

Does the job by any chance include fully paid accommodation, utilities and school meals?

[Dog Biscuit]

Panamax said:

macron said:

Sitch: mid 30's single mum, works a high profile part-time job at a prestigious private school, requires 5am starts 2 days a week, hold that, pay is embarrassing, net is just over 12k pa, BC private schools can get away with it (niche subject, but easily replaceable).

This simply doesn't stack up. Teachers at "prestigious private schools" aren't paid £12,000 a year. I know you said "net" but there's no tax on £12,000 a year so net and gross are pretty much the same figure.

Does the job by any chance include fully paid accommodation, utilities and school meals?

She works at the school two days a week aiui

[macron]

Dog Biscuit said:

What is your relationship with her? ie is she a friend. family member etc

Edited by Dog Biscuit on Saturday 13th June 20:04

My family make use of her business, which teaches kids (ballet) she's truly excellent, RAD graduate z professional career now ended. And been prone to over sharing.

Panamax said:

This simply doesn't stack up. Teachers at "prestigious private schools" aren't paid £12,000 a year. I know you said "net" but there's no tax on £12,000 a year so net and gross are pretty much the same figure.

Does the job by any chance include fully paid accommodation, utilities and school meals?

Ballet, not a core subject, hence part time, dance GCSE offered and she does the grades too, but that's it. 2.25 days per week, 12250 net pa. Meals yes, nothing more. Long holidays. She is very good, but looks at how many 'dance grads' there are these days, they had >500 suitably qualified applicants when she got it. They really don't have to pay. They hope, as she does, the prestige of doing it carries to the rest of her time. But the business isn't working.

"Schoolmaster" roles come with accommodation, and a requirement to work nearly 24/7. You have to work there 3 years to get a discount on the fees too. They're on the 4th round of redundancies since vat was added. There will be more.

[Panamax]

Dog Biscuit said:

She works at the school two days a week aiui

Aha, I thought it was perhaps just early starts on two of the days for someone who might be "living in".