Elderly Father and new woman...
Discussion
My mum died a few years ago and since then my dad has been diagnosed with dementia and has been fairly rapidly going downhill.
About a year ago he introduced me to his new "friend." I didn't really think much of it and in many ways was simply glad that he had some company.
Recently however, I have been informed that she has been getting involved in his financial affairs. It also sounds as though he has been paying for holidays and a few other bits and bobs for her.
It might be totally legit but both my sister and I have some concerns.
He assigned us as Powers of Attorney about a year ago but we have not really had need to invoke that yet and he just about seems mentally able to manage his affairs.
What would be the sensible thing to do in this situation? Are there any precautions we can or should take? Any advice would be gratefully received
About a year ago he introduced me to his new "friend." I didn't really think much of it and in many ways was simply glad that he had some company.
Recently however, I have been informed that she has been getting involved in his financial affairs. It also sounds as though he has been paying for holidays and a few other bits and bobs for her.
It might be totally legit but both my sister and I have some concerns.
He assigned us as Powers of Attorney about a year ago but we have not really had need to invoke that yet and he just about seems mentally able to manage his affairs.
What would be the sensible thing to do in this situation? Are there any precautions we can or should take? Any advice would be gratefully received
Something similar happened with my dad.
He died last year at the age of 84 from pancreatic cancer. On the day he died a strange woman in her 40s (i guess) came to visit him in the hospice. We had family members around his bed and she walked in, plugged her phone into a socket to charge and asked what his prognosis was. None of us knew her and when we asked she said she was a friend.
After he died I found some text messages between them and also a love heart in his drawer with her name in it. Looking through his accounts there were a number of large unexplained cash withdrawals and some of the texts mentioned thanks for my lovely gifts. We never heard from her after he died and she didn't come to the funeral.
All very dodgy. These things absolutely do happen.
If you have POA you should use it now.
He died last year at the age of 84 from pancreatic cancer. On the day he died a strange woman in her 40s (i guess) came to visit him in the hospice. We had family members around his bed and she walked in, plugged her phone into a socket to charge and asked what his prognosis was. None of us knew her and when we asked she said she was a friend.
After he died I found some text messages between them and also a love heart in his drawer with her name in it. Looking through his accounts there were a number of large unexplained cash withdrawals and some of the texts mentioned thanks for my lovely gifts. We never heard from her after he died and she didn't come to the funeral.
All very dodgy. These things absolutely do happen.
If you have POA you should use it now.
Simpo Two said:
ChrisH72 said:
If you have POA you should use it now.
Yep, time to take over and shut the doors, cancel credit cards etc. His mental condition justifies it I'm afraid.Let the man have some fun and a bit of female company, he’s still hungry!!
Talk to your father and see what he’s says, after all it’s his money right? Suggest his new young lady friend joins the conversation if you, your sister and he are willing. Don’t fall out over this and remember, it was you that said he can still deal with his own finances…
Talk to your father and see what he’s says, after all it’s his money right? Suggest his new young lady friend joins the conversation if you, your sister and he are willing. Don’t fall out over this and remember, it was you that said he can still deal with his own finances…
LRDefender said:
Let the man have some fun and a bit of female company, he s still hungry!!
Talk to your father and see what he s says, after all it s his money right? Suggest his new young lady friend joins the conversation if you, your sister and he are willing. Don t fall out over this and remember, it was you that said he can still deal with his own finances
This has to be the starting point ^^^Talk to your father and see what he s says, after all it s his money right? Suggest his new young lady friend joins the conversation if you, your sister and he are willing. Don t fall out over this and remember, it was you that said he can still deal with his own finances
You are right to be looking out for your Dad but jumping straight to SWT assumptions and invoking POAs may be a bit premature and if he is actually enjoying the extra company then scaring her off may not be the best thing for him. Have the chat with him, or them both.
She may be a freeloader, or she may not. Even if she is your Dad might well be enjoying the company, and be happy with the arrangement. Or she could be exploiting his loneliness. The only way to find out is to talk to her.
Try to set up a meet and greet with the two of them, lunch at local pub or something. Be civil and see what it feels like between them, and how she is with you. Keep in touch. Bring her in to the family group a little way, so that fairly regular contact is normalised.
If she won't agree to meet that is a bit of a red flag, in which case more direct action may be your only option.
As others have said, don't jump to conclusions and try not to fall out with your Dad over this.
My Dad has had several 'lady friends' since his second wife died 20yrs ago and we have used the approach successfully with all of them. Bit of social contact with the wider family is appreciated if they are on the level, and keeps us happy that nothing untoward is going on.
Try to set up a meet and greet with the two of them, lunch at local pub or something. Be civil and see what it feels like between them, and how she is with you. Keep in touch. Bring her in to the family group a little way, so that fairly regular contact is normalised.
If she won't agree to meet that is a bit of a red flag, in which case more direct action may be your only option.
As others have said, don't jump to conclusions and try not to fall out with your Dad over this.
My Dad has had several 'lady friends' since his second wife died 20yrs ago and we have used the approach successfully with all of them. Bit of social contact with the wider family is appreciated if they are on the level, and keeps us happy that nothing untoward is going on.
I would certainly be talking to your Father first about this.
If his dementia is getting worse than at the very least suggest to him that you would like to have LPA access to his bank accounts just to check occasionally in case anything looks wrong but stress to him that this wont stop him from using the accounts as normal.
This is what I am doing for my Mother and also what I did for for my Aunt.
LPA's can only ever be used for the benefit of the donor though.
Also just be aware that once you have secured access the online portals will only show you a limited amount of information so if he is using lots of cash you wont necessarily know what for.
You will also to enact the LPA for the credit card unless his are through the same bank which would make things a lot easier.
If his dementia is getting worse than at the very least suggest to him that you would like to have LPA access to his bank accounts just to check occasionally in case anything looks wrong but stress to him that this wont stop him from using the accounts as normal.
This is what I am doing for my Mother and also what I did for for my Aunt.
LPA's can only ever be used for the benefit of the donor though.
Also just be aware that once you have secured access the online portals will only show you a limited amount of information so if he is using lots of cash you wont necessarily know what for.
You will also to enact the LPA for the credit card unless his are through the same bank which would make things a lot easier.
Maybe it’s changed, but I was in this situation with my mum and her new “friend” around 5 years ago. She clearly had dementia and was getting taken advantage of. However, having a doctor certify that she was not capable was another thing entirely. Every time they turned up to do a cognisance test she’d be having a good day and pass! Eventually we were able to enact the PoA, but it certainly wasn’t as easy as us just deciding it was time to do it.
FlyVintage said:
Maybe it s changed, but I was in this situation with my mum and her new friend around 5 years ago. She clearly had dementia and was getting taken advantage of. However, having a doctor certify that she was not capable was another thing entirely. Every time they turned up to do a cognisance test she d be having a good day and pass! Eventually we were able to enact the PoA, but it certainly wasn t as easy as us just deciding it was time to do it.
If the LPA ( replaced POA's in around 2007 ) was correctly registered with the OPG and said it could be enacted upon registration ( the first tick box ) then they could be used at any time thereafter.If the "only when I have capacity " box was ticked then they are indeed a lot less useful and that sounds like what your Mum gave you as the donor.
LennyM1984 said:
Simpo Two said:
ChrisH72 said:
If you have POA you should use it now.
Yep, time to take over and shut the doors, cancel credit cards etc. His mental condition justifies it I'm afraid.Ensure you both have to authorise any payments from your fathers accounts that aren't legit direct debits.
Wheelspinning said:
LennyM1984 said:
Simpo Two said:
ChrisH72 said:
If you have POA you should use it now.
Yep, time to take over and shut the doors, cancel credit cards etc. His mental condition justifies it I'm afraid.Ensure you both have to authorise any payments from your fathers accounts that aren't legit direct debits.
Arrivalist said:
Wheelspinning said:
LennyM1984 said:
Simpo Two said:
ChrisH72 said:
If you have POA you should use it now.
Yep, time to take over and shut the doors, cancel credit cards etc. His mental condition justifies it I'm afraid.Ensure you both have to authorise any payments from your fathers accounts that aren't legit direct debits.
.The OP is clearly looking out for his Dad but there’s some pretty huge leaping to conclusions on this thread.
Steve H said:
I can t imagine a better reason for a only if I don t have capacity box being ticked than this .
The OP is clearly looking out for his Dad but there s some pretty huge leaping to conclusions on this thread.
I agree there are some leaps, but maybe it’s better to be safe until the OP can be sure she’s legit. .The OP is clearly looking out for his Dad but there s some pretty huge leaping to conclusions on this thread.
Arrivalist said:
Steve H said:
I can t imagine a better reason for a only if I don t have capacity box being ticked than this .
The OP is clearly looking out for his Dad but there s some pretty huge leaping to conclusions on this thread.
I agree there are some leaps, but maybe it s better to be safe until the OP can be sure she s legit. .The OP is clearly looking out for his Dad but there s some pretty huge leaping to conclusions on this thread.
If action is needed it should happen but only the OP can judge if that is necessary and it’s not going to delay anything greatly to actually find out before leaping in.
Steve H said:
Arrivalist said:
Steve H said:
I can t imagine a better reason for a only if I don t have capacity box being ticked than this .
The OP is clearly looking out for his Dad but there s some pretty huge leaping to conclusions on this thread.
I agree there are some leaps, but maybe it s better to be safe until the OP can be sure she s legit. .The OP is clearly looking out for his Dad but there s some pretty huge leaping to conclusions on this thread.
If action is needed it should happen but only the OP can judge if that is necessary and it s not going to delay anything greatly to actually find out before leaping in.
When I had to get involved in my mother's affairs (she was an all in alcoholic with labile capacity) I moved her readily available money to another account in her name and then just made sure she has easy access to anymore than reasonable float.
She still pissed loads away and got ripped off but for a more acceptable amount.
There is an argument that it's their right to spend how they want even if it seems wrong.
She still pissed loads away and got ripped off but for a more acceptable amount.
There is an argument that it's their right to spend how they want even if it seems wrong.
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