Does it get better?
Discussion
I find myself in a difficult situation and im hoping that maybe some fellow Phers have gone through something similar. I really hope not to many as it's pretty awful.
I write sometimes about my difficulties with my eldest son's disabilities and the strain that puts on my wife and Is' life. Often just to make myself feel better more than anything else.
Over the past year his violence has escalated to the point that around Xmas my wife started to become quite depressed, which is kind of normal we both go through periods where our situation gets us down. Unfortunately this has continued to the point that she woke and declared that despite us having done everything we could including building a new house to keep him at home, she would like to put him into residential care. Please note that is care not give him up, we are both adamant about that.
This was a massive shift for my wife who has dedicated the last 10 years trying to create a bubble around us where he is happy and we could be happy. I unfortunately think this has recently shattered with the arrival of our second son who is so far typical, allowing my wife to experience being a normal mother.
The period of depression escalated 6 months ago where she started having manic episodes mixed with extreme lows. Resulting in multiple attempts to take her own life. Not because she wanted to die but because the intrusive thoughts she has always had have got louder and more persuasive. This became complexity unmanageable with her having to be admitted to a mental hospital for just over month.
Now she is diagnosed with PTSD, OCD and Bipolar. She is back home we are managing ok but she is just off never really happy or sad just kind of there going through the motions. Says she doesn't want to be here anymore but doesn't want to leave our youngest.
Im just kind of worried is this it now? Am I going to have to watch her like a hawk for the rest of my life? Will she actually recover or did she actually just snap forever to be in a slightly broken state?
it lost with what it all means.
I write sometimes about my difficulties with my eldest son's disabilities and the strain that puts on my wife and Is' life. Often just to make myself feel better more than anything else.
Over the past year his violence has escalated to the point that around Xmas my wife started to become quite depressed, which is kind of normal we both go through periods where our situation gets us down. Unfortunately this has continued to the point that she woke and declared that despite us having done everything we could including building a new house to keep him at home, she would like to put him into residential care. Please note that is care not give him up, we are both adamant about that.
This was a massive shift for my wife who has dedicated the last 10 years trying to create a bubble around us where he is happy and we could be happy. I unfortunately think this has recently shattered with the arrival of our second son who is so far typical, allowing my wife to experience being a normal mother.
The period of depression escalated 6 months ago where she started having manic episodes mixed with extreme lows. Resulting in multiple attempts to take her own life. Not because she wanted to die but because the intrusive thoughts she has always had have got louder and more persuasive. This became complexity unmanageable with her having to be admitted to a mental hospital for just over month.
Now she is diagnosed with PTSD, OCD and Bipolar. She is back home we are managing ok but she is just off never really happy or sad just kind of there going through the motions. Says she doesn't want to be here anymore but doesn't want to leave our youngest.
Im just kind of worried is this it now? Am I going to have to watch her like a hawk for the rest of my life? Will she actually recover or did she actually just snap forever to be in a slightly broken state?
it lost with what it all means.
Hey Ntiz, I read your post late last night but wanted to give some thought to how best to reply…
I can’t comment on what sounds like an incredibly difficult situation with your son, but I can relate entirely to what you describe of your wife’s mental health with mine having gone through similar, but much less complex.
Yes, she can and almost certainly will get better and no you won’t have to watch her like you are now forever.
It sounds like it’s still early days of recovery, which is not linear and you will both/all have good days and bad days, periods of stability and inevitable episodes of varying degrees.
Being in such a heightened state 24/7 is utterly exhausting both physically and emotionally, and I’m not sure if this will be of comfort or not, but you will find you establish a new normal and it will get easier.
You will also learn the signs or little tells and triggers that suggest you need to be more supportive, present or vigilant and when you can relax. My wife and I have become very good at spotting the early signs and being able to pre-empt an episode or wobble and hopefully do something to reduce the significance of it - it won’t always be reactive.
Some of the things I do when she is having an episode are incomprehensible to my friends, but they are just as routine as unloading the dishwasher to me now and I don’t even think about them.
Even when she is well, my wife would tell you the thought of dying never really goes away, it just isn’t as loud or present. I gave up trying to understand a lot of what she told me as I concluded I never would, so I just accepted it as her reality and recognise when I need to be worried or not. It can be difficult to acknowledge without validating the harmful thoughts though.
It’s nearly 12 years since her first hospitalisation, which hasn’t been without bumps but on the whole the good far outweighs the bad or difficult.
I can’t comment on what sounds like an incredibly difficult situation with your son, but I can relate entirely to what you describe of your wife’s mental health with mine having gone through similar, but much less complex.
Yes, she can and almost certainly will get better and no you won’t have to watch her like you are now forever.
It sounds like it’s still early days of recovery, which is not linear and you will both/all have good days and bad days, periods of stability and inevitable episodes of varying degrees.
Being in such a heightened state 24/7 is utterly exhausting both physically and emotionally, and I’m not sure if this will be of comfort or not, but you will find you establish a new normal and it will get easier.
You will also learn the signs or little tells and triggers that suggest you need to be more supportive, present or vigilant and when you can relax. My wife and I have become very good at spotting the early signs and being able to pre-empt an episode or wobble and hopefully do something to reduce the significance of it - it won’t always be reactive.
Some of the things I do when she is having an episode are incomprehensible to my friends, but they are just as routine as unloading the dishwasher to me now and I don’t even think about them.
Even when she is well, my wife would tell you the thought of dying never really goes away, it just isn’t as loud or present. I gave up trying to understand a lot of what she told me as I concluded I never would, so I just accepted it as her reality and recognise when I need to be worried or not. It can be difficult to acknowledge without validating the harmful thoughts though.
It’s nearly 12 years since her first hospitalisation, which hasn’t been without bumps but on the whole the good far outweighs the bad or difficult.
Your wife sounds very much like my son.
Suicidal ideation is constantly on his mind,never leaves.He and I have just learned to live with it as the years of therapy have given him ways to cope and not take action.
There was a time when one of us wouldn’t leave him alone at home,we would remove all kitchen knives etc.
Therapy and the right medication has been key,see your GP and keep going back until you get the result and medication that works for your wife.
We have been on this roller coaster over 10 years and only in the past 2 years have things become manageable.
Don’t take NO for an answer.
Keep chipping away and you will get the result you want.
Suicidal ideation is constantly on his mind,never leaves.He and I have just learned to live with it as the years of therapy have given him ways to cope and not take action.
There was a time when one of us wouldn’t leave him alone at home,we would remove all kitchen knives etc.
Therapy and the right medication has been key,see your GP and keep going back until you get the result and medication that works for your wife.
We have been on this roller coaster over 10 years and only in the past 2 years have things become manageable.
Don’t take NO for an answer.
Keep chipping away and you will get the result you want.
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