'using' intelligence
Discussion
I feel like my wife is a lot smarter than I am. She has started new careers a couple of times now, and is at the bottom rung of her new one. We all agreed to work together and support her studies, with the kind of proviso that it would all go somewhere this time. She is excellent at it and could be her own boss, but she sounds like she prefers to just take it easy.
I am 25 years into an IT career and would dearly love to switch, but I am stuck as we depend so heavily on my income. My wife has really never felt the heat of this sort of dependency, or the pressure of everyone relying upon her that way. I would love my wife to excel in her career, but if you never feel the hunger then why would you ever i guess.
Some people would say this is a real win on my part, and that it's my job to provide, and I'm doing it. I think a bit differently, in that i think intelligence is a gift to at least be used for something, and gone are the days when people can assume to just adopt traditional gender roles like that and just take a single income approach, just because.
Also, it's partly about identity - the kids are in school now so isn't it important to reinvent yourself a bit and be something other than mum?
interested to know peoples' thoughts and experiences...
I am 25 years into an IT career and would dearly love to switch, but I am stuck as we depend so heavily on my income. My wife has really never felt the heat of this sort of dependency, or the pressure of everyone relying upon her that way. I would love my wife to excel in her career, but if you never feel the hunger then why would you ever i guess.
Some people would say this is a real win on my part, and that it's my job to provide, and I'm doing it. I think a bit differently, in that i think intelligence is a gift to at least be used for something, and gone are the days when people can assume to just adopt traditional gender roles like that and just take a single income approach, just because.
Also, it's partly about identity - the kids are in school now so isn't it important to reinvent yourself a bit and be something other than mum?
interested to know peoples' thoughts and experiences...
Never underestimate the difference between having to provide / pay the mortgage etc - vs being able to try something and if it doesn't work you are not living in a cardboard box under a bridge.
A long career in IT is not something trivial, and think of how your career has evolved over time, there was no AI back then, SQL tables could only go to a certain size (they might be able to now, but I'm not in IT, so I don't know!) - Back then you had to make sure your program worked on MS-DOS, and could fit onto one floppy drive (1.44 mb if you had upgraded) - whereas now...
A long career in IT is not something trivial, and think of how your career has evolved over time, there was no AI back then, SQL tables could only go to a certain size (they might be able to now, but I'm not in IT, so I don't know!) - Back then you had to make sure your program worked on MS-DOS, and could fit onto one floppy drive (1.44 mb if you had upgraded) - whereas now...
Different strokes for different folks. What matters to you in your career, may not matter to your wife. She may find your choice of career and determination to progress as strange.
I’m sure there will be some along soon to tell you to liquidate all your assets, hide them in The Bahamas and encourage you to divorce her and find a 19 year old hot blonde.
I’m sure there will be some along soon to tell you to liquidate all your assets, hide them in The Bahamas and encourage you to divorce her and find a 19 year old hot blonde.
Blown2CV said:
I feel like my wife is a lot smarter than I am. She has started new careers a couple of times now, and is at the bottom rung of her new one. We all agreed to work together and support her studies, with the kind of proviso that it would all go somewhere this time. She is excellent at it and could be her own boss, but she sounds like she prefers to just take it easy.
I am 25 years into an IT career and would dearly love to switch, but I am stuck as we depend so heavily on my income. My wife has really never felt the heat of this sort of dependency, or the pressure of everyone relying upon her that way. I would love my wife to excel in her career, but if you never feel the hunger then why would you ever i guess.
Some people would say this is a real win on my part, and that it's my job to provide, and I'm doing it. I think a bit differently, in that i think intelligence is a gift to at least be used for something, and gone are the days when people can assume to just adopt traditional gender roles like that and just take a single income approach, just because.
Also, it's partly about identity - the kids are in school now so isn't it important to reinvent yourself a bit and be something other than mum?
interested to know peoples' thoughts and experiences...
Are you resentful she's been afforded this freedom.?I am 25 years into an IT career and would dearly love to switch, but I am stuck as we depend so heavily on my income. My wife has really never felt the heat of this sort of dependency, or the pressure of everyone relying upon her that way. I would love my wife to excel in her career, but if you never feel the hunger then why would you ever i guess.
Some people would say this is a real win on my part, and that it's my job to provide, and I'm doing it. I think a bit differently, in that i think intelligence is a gift to at least be used for something, and gone are the days when people can assume to just adopt traditional gender roles like that and just take a single income approach, just because.
Also, it's partly about identity - the kids are in school now so isn't it important to reinvent yourself a bit and be something other than mum?
interested to know peoples' thoughts and experiences...
Seems similar to your recent post in the Unpopular Opinions thread.
Blown2CV said:
for families with a single income and a stay at home parent, once the kids are in the school the stay at home parent (let's be honest here 99.9% of these are the woman) needs to get back to work and share the financial burden.
If they don't have a proper career they need to get one, even if it means back to university. Not only is it important to build a new sense of identity as the role of 'mum' changes / reduces over time, but also it just isn't fair to the partner earning to let them do it all whilst you sit on your arse and spend the money on yourself.
A related point is if you are clever and have a low paid job you are being grossly unfair to those around you expecting them to support you. Again, this is overwhelmingly women that do this. There is f
k all point to you as a human if you have a good brain and are wasting it on a st job just because the main earner allows it. Your intelligence is a gift and should be monetised.
It is predominantly mens' fault for allowing this to happen.
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...If they don't have a proper career they need to get one, even if it means back to university. Not only is it important to build a new sense of identity as the role of 'mum' changes / reduces over time, but also it just isn't fair to the partner earning to let them do it all whilst you sit on your arse and spend the money on yourself.
A related point is if you are clever and have a low paid job you are being grossly unfair to those around you expecting them to support you. Again, this is overwhelmingly women that do this. There is f
k all point to you as a human if you have a good brain and are wasting it on a st job just because the main earner allows it. Your intelligence is a gift and should be monetised. It is predominantly mens' fault for allowing this to happen.
I've never understood why people define themselves by the work they do.
If she is happy, then that is surely the most important thing? And just because the children are now in school that doesn't mean they no longer require care and attention. I'm lucky that my OH can be a full-time mother, it is literally what they are wired to do.
It sounds like you are the one who needs to re-evaluate life's priorities. Don't get so hung up on work and maximising earnings.
If she is happy, then that is surely the most important thing? And just because the children are now in school that doesn't mean they no longer require care and attention. I'm lucky that my OH can be a full-time mother, it is literally what they are wired to do.
It sounds like you are the one who needs to re-evaluate life's priorities. Don't get so hung up on work and maximising earnings.
Soloman Dodd said:
I just cruise through life, it's much less stressful.
This. Work to live, don't live to work. I'm lucky to have a job thats well paid and I do actually enjoy(ish). Do I love what I do? Absolutely not. Can I switch my brain off at 5 (or maybe 4 
) Monday > Friday and think about stuff that I do enjoy? Yes. But am I good at my job? Yes, very.Blown2CV said:
I feel like my wife is a lot smarter than I am. She has started new careers a couple of times now, and is at the bottom rung of her new one. We all agreed to work together and support her studies, with the kind of proviso that it would all go somewhere this time. She is excellent at it and could be her own boss, but she sounds like she prefers to just take it easy.
I am 25 years into an IT career and would dearly love to switch, but I am stuck as we depend so heavily on my income. My wife has really never felt the heat of this sort of dependency, or the pressure of everyone relying upon her that way. I would love my wife to excel in her career, but if you never feel the hunger then why would you ever i guess.
Some people would say this is a real win on my part, and that it's my job to provide, and I'm doing it. I think a bit differently, in that i think intelligence is a gift to at least be used for something, and gone are the days when people can assume to just adopt traditional gender roles like that and just take a single income approach, just because.
Also, it's partly about identity - the kids are in school now so isn't it important to reinvent yourself a bit and be something other than mum?
interested to know peoples' thoughts and experiences...
parable of the talents springs to mindI am 25 years into an IT career and would dearly love to switch, but I am stuck as we depend so heavily on my income. My wife has really never felt the heat of this sort of dependency, or the pressure of everyone relying upon her that way. I would love my wife to excel in her career, but if you never feel the hunger then why would you ever i guess.
Some people would say this is a real win on my part, and that it's my job to provide, and I'm doing it. I think a bit differently, in that i think intelligence is a gift to at least be used for something, and gone are the days when people can assume to just adopt traditional gender roles like that and just take a single income approach, just because.
Also, it's partly about identity - the kids are in school now so isn't it important to reinvent yourself a bit and be something other than mum?
interested to know peoples' thoughts and experiences...
I truly believe that you can frequently reinvent yourself whilst still having a primary role.
I have been a single parent for 11 years and obviously my primary role is dad.
but I have had numerous sub roles both in the home and at work.
I am now in a position in life where my first port of call is "let me see if I can do that" prior to calling on others.
DaveyBoyWonder said:
Soloman Dodd said:
I just cruise through life, it's much less stressful.
This. Work to live, don't live to work. I'm lucky to have a job thats well paid and I do actually enjoy(ish). Do I love what I do? Absolutely not. Can I switch my brain off at 5 (or maybe 4 ) Monday > Friday and think about stuff that I do enjoy? Yes. But am I good at my job? Yes, very.
g3org3y said:
Blown2CV said:
I feel like my wife is a lot smarter than I am. She has started new careers a couple of times now, and is at the bottom rung of her new one. We all agreed to work together and support her studies, with the kind of proviso that it would all go somewhere this time. She is excellent at it and could be her own boss, but she sounds like she prefers to just take it easy.
I am 25 years into an IT career and would dearly love to switch, but I am stuck as we depend so heavily on my income. My wife has really never felt the heat of this sort of dependency, or the pressure of everyone relying upon her that way. I would love my wife to excel in her career, but if you never feel the hunger then why would you ever i guess.
Some people would say this is a real win on my part, and that it's my job to provide, and I'm doing it. I think a bit differently, in that i think intelligence is a gift to at least be used for something, and gone are the days when people can assume to just adopt traditional gender roles like that and just take a single income approach, just because.
Also, it's partly about identity - the kids are in school now so isn't it important to reinvent yourself a bit and be something other than mum?
interested to know peoples' thoughts and experiences...
Are you resentful she's been afforded this freedom.?I am 25 years into an IT career and would dearly love to switch, but I am stuck as we depend so heavily on my income. My wife has really never felt the heat of this sort of dependency, or the pressure of everyone relying upon her that way. I would love my wife to excel in her career, but if you never feel the hunger then why would you ever i guess.
Some people would say this is a real win on my part, and that it's my job to provide, and I'm doing it. I think a bit differently, in that i think intelligence is a gift to at least be used for something, and gone are the days when people can assume to just adopt traditional gender roles like that and just take a single income approach, just because.
Also, it's partly about identity - the kids are in school now so isn't it important to reinvent yourself a bit and be something other than mum?
interested to know peoples' thoughts and experiences...
Seems similar to your recent post in the Unpopular Opinions thread.
Blown2CV said:
for families with a single income and a stay at home parent, once the kids are in the school the stay at home parent (let's be honest here 99.9% of these are the woman) needs to get back to work and share the financial burden.
If they don't have a proper career they need to get one, even if it means back to university. Not only is it important to build a new sense of identity as the role of 'mum' changes / reduces over time, but also it just isn't fair to the partner earning to let them do it all whilst you sit on your arse and spend the money on yourself.
A related point is if you are clever and have a low paid job you are being grossly unfair to those around you expecting them to support you. Again, this is overwhelmingly women that do this. There is fk all point to you as a human if you have a good brain and are wasting it on a st job just because the main earner allows it. Your intelligence is a gift and should be monetised.
It is predominantly mens' fault for allowing this to happen.
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...If they don't have a proper career they need to get one, even if it means back to university. Not only is it important to build a new sense of identity as the role of 'mum' changes / reduces over time, but also it just isn't fair to the partner earning to let them do it all whilst you sit on your arse and spend the money on yourself.
A related point is if you are clever and have a low paid job you are being grossly unfair to those around you expecting them to support you. Again, this is overwhelmingly women that do this. There is f
k all point to you as a human if you have a good brain and are wasting it on a st job just because the main earner allows it. Your intelligence is a gift and should be monetised. It is predominantly mens' fault for allowing this to happen.
I think there is a disconnect in approaches to the financial aspects of their life together that need to be explored, and the OP could probably do with some counselling himself, before this ends in the SWT thread.
Probably doesn't come as a surprise if you look back over my previous comments, but I'm not the smartest in the 'intelligence stakes'
But I work bloody hard and have pushed myself throughout my career, so much that I'm doing a role where I'm paid incredibly well and seen as somewhat of an industry expert.
I absolutely cannot stand intelligent people who drift.... they're lazy! it's frustrating as hell to see intelligent people not live up to what they could be, especially when I have to work really hard to be on a par with them.
But I work bloody hard and have pushed myself throughout my career, so much that I'm doing a role where I'm paid incredibly well and seen as somewhat of an industry expert.
I absolutely cannot stand intelligent people who drift.... they're lazy! it's frustrating as hell to see intelligent people not live up to what they could be, especially when I have to work really hard to be on a par with them.
Some people do not have that drive, quite why that bothers you is beyond me, a lot of people are not inspired by success or money or status in that way, you strike me as someone who measures his life by money, toys and job title, my life could not be farther away from that.
I work to live, I don't earn much, have an easy job that pushes me at times but not much, and I live as well as I can , saving for things I want without using credit or handouts, it's a simple life and I enjoy it most of the time, I don't crave more money, success or status. I was brought up to look after what you have, not to always look for more.
If I were you I would be far more annoyed by people who not only don't work when they could but cost you money claiming benefits instead.
Unless I have not got the gist at all here!
I work to live, I don't earn much, have an easy job that pushes me at times but not much, and I live as well as I can , saving for things I want without using credit or handouts, it's a simple life and I enjoy it most of the time, I don't crave more money, success or status. I was brought up to look after what you have, not to always look for more.
If I were you I would be far more annoyed by people who not only don't work when they could but cost you money claiming benefits instead.
Unless I have not got the gist at all here!
There is also the situation where very bright people might also be to a greater or lesser degree (un)diagnosed Autistic/ADHD/AuDHD, the latter two of which I understand may involve the brain being different to a 'normal' person, whereby getting something from the 'thinking about' to the 'actually doing' section of the brain is very difficult due to the way the brain is working. (Technical terms 
)
)I think I'd rather my wife be happy. Presumably yours is with starting new careers.
Likewise I'd not want her to feel any unnecessary pressure or heat if it can be managed elsewhere.
It's unfortunate that you're resentful of her because of it, not that you'll admit or realise it I'm sure, but that's certainly the way it comes across to me and seemingly many others from what you've written.
Likewise I'd not want her to feel any unnecessary pressure or heat if it can be managed elsewhere.
It's unfortunate that you're resentful of her because of it, not that you'll admit or realise it I'm sure, but that's certainly the way it comes across to me and seemingly many others from what you've written.
Edited by Sycamore on Wednesday 23 September 11:46
Mrs V. had a decent job as a Research Clinician when we met. Then kids came along and she was a SAHM. She volunteered at the school whilst the Vikingettes were there, became a TA, higher level TA and then qualified as a teacher. She's now Head of Dept and earns a decent amount for a job 1 mile from home. Her termtime hours are long - 7am to 3:30pm, 3 x afterschool classes until 5pm, and then marking/prep until 8-9pm. She does sweet FA during the holidays and will sometimes get up at 3pm!
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