Being alone for rest of your life
Discussion
Putting this in Health to hopefully avoid some of the usual comments, its not a pity party, just wonder if others are in this situation or made this choice and how they deal with it.
Quick background, was married for a long time, 2 kids, divorced a few years back, was single for a bit, then tried dating. I met someone and to start with it was going great and felt like it had real future, but then over time there was cracks, and for reasons, some down to me, some her, we split up.
On the one hand I see the benefits, I can have my house how I want it, spend as much time and money on my hobbies as I like, no moods or drama to deal with, etc. On the other I do already at times feel a bit lonely, and think what to I do without anyone to share my life and experiences with, big and little, want to go into to town and have a cocktail and nice meal, or I want to go on holiday. In the short term I have my daughters, we have a great relationship and even as they are now getting to adults they arent going to turn down a 5* holiday in the Italian lakes or wherever with dad, but eventually they will.
Why say be alone for the rest of my life? Because I cant face the pain of meeting someone else, and going through all that again. Not the initial meeting, but the effort and work you have to put into building a relationship, especially as Ive recently found it can be months and months and still go no where. Part of me thinks as well Im just not meant to be in one.
So not sure what I want or where I go from here. Not that I should care what others think but I do think there is a bit of a stigma around single men in the 40s/50s. Maybe Im wrong and not suggesting I be with someone to avoid that, but In my circle of friends and acquaintances there are a few divorcees, but none are single.
Quick background, was married for a long time, 2 kids, divorced a few years back, was single for a bit, then tried dating. I met someone and to start with it was going great and felt like it had real future, but then over time there was cracks, and for reasons, some down to me, some her, we split up.
On the one hand I see the benefits, I can have my house how I want it, spend as much time and money on my hobbies as I like, no moods or drama to deal with, etc. On the other I do already at times feel a bit lonely, and think what to I do without anyone to share my life and experiences with, big and little, want to go into to town and have a cocktail and nice meal, or I want to go on holiday. In the short term I have my daughters, we have a great relationship and even as they are now getting to adults they arent going to turn down a 5* holiday in the Italian lakes or wherever with dad, but eventually they will.
Why say be alone for the rest of my life? Because I cant face the pain of meeting someone else, and going through all that again. Not the initial meeting, but the effort and work you have to put into building a relationship, especially as Ive recently found it can be months and months and still go no where. Part of me thinks as well Im just not meant to be in one.
So not sure what I want or where I go from here. Not that I should care what others think but I do think there is a bit of a stigma around single men in the 40s/50s. Maybe Im wrong and not suggesting I be with someone to avoid that, but In my circle of friends and acquaintances there are a few divorcees, but none are single.
I'd suggest you're overthinking it. There are pros and cons to both as you note. Just let life take you where it does and enjoy the journey. You might meet your perfect partner with a relationship doesn't require the effort...or you might not.
You can't control either outcome, so why worry about it. The funny thing is, if you put yourself in the position to enjoy being single, it also makes it more likely that you'll meet someone new as you'll have said yes to more things, done interesting things, and visited interesting places.
You can't control either outcome, so why worry about it. The funny thing is, if you put yourself in the position to enjoy being single, it also makes it more likely that you'll meet someone new as you'll have said yes to more things, done interesting things, and visited interesting places.
I suspect time will make a difference to your view.
I got to 50 having never been married. A mix of relationships behind me - some good, some bad, some short, some long.
I can certainly see some benefits to being single - do what you want when you want - but there are some benefits to relationships too even if you don't necessarily believe they're forever. You don't have to treat every one as if it's a life commitment (and I did fine on the apps in my 40s).
I had come to terms with the fact that I'd never settle down permanently with somebody - relationships had (and would continue to) come and go, so I'd enjoy the single bits and the partner bits. Obviously the splitting up isn't great but I'm old enough to know you get over it.
Then, I met my (now) wife. First partner I've ever had where I'm literally 'me' 100% of the time. Quite how or why she puts up with me and was happy to marry me I have no idea but glad she did.
You don't have to map out your entire future. See how it goes - there will no doubt be good and bad, and there probably will be single periods etc. But there can / probably will be plenty of bits that aren't.
I got to 50 having never been married. A mix of relationships behind me - some good, some bad, some short, some long.
I can certainly see some benefits to being single - do what you want when you want - but there are some benefits to relationships too even if you don't necessarily believe they're forever. You don't have to treat every one as if it's a life commitment (and I did fine on the apps in my 40s).
I had come to terms with the fact that I'd never settle down permanently with somebody - relationships had (and would continue to) come and go, so I'd enjoy the single bits and the partner bits. Obviously the splitting up isn't great but I'm old enough to know you get over it.
Then, I met my (now) wife. First partner I've ever had where I'm literally 'me' 100% of the time. Quite how or why she puts up with me and was happy to marry me I have no idea but glad she did.
You don't have to map out your entire future. See how it goes - there will no doubt be good and bad, and there probably will be single periods etc. But there can / probably will be plenty of bits that aren't.
Scabutz said:
Why say be alone for the rest of my life? Because I cant face the pain of meeting someone else, and going through all that again. Not the initial meeting, but the effort and work you have to put into building a relationship, especially as Ive recently found it can be months and months and still go no where. Part of me thinks as well Im just not meant to be in one.
Two things. Firstly, the only thing worse than being alone is being with someone who makes you feel like you're alone.
Secondly, if/when you meet the right person, building a relationship won't be a lot of effort and work and it won't be going nowhere for months and months. It'll progress in a reasonable timeframe and will be easy and fun.
I'm in a similar position, divorced with 2 (older) children. After some earnest attempts at dating, I decided relationships weren't working for me, and I decided to get off the dating sites to just live my life.
After 3 years single, happily single, I decided I would create a dating profile for a strict 2-weeks every year and just roll the dice. Initially this wasn't terribly successful because I approached it with the same earnestness (is that a word?) I had previously which a) doesn't attract many women, and b) attracts the wrong type (for me). However, when I decided to just go at it somewhat more whimsically, I started to get loads of hits.
I'm in my late 50s and I'm not most women's ideal looking guy however I have good smile, thick hair, have some interesting, erm, interests (cars, drums, travel/road trips, cycling, dogs), and I have worked out how to appeal to some women without compromising who I am.
Although I've not made a permanent connection with anyone, I do enjoy my annual two weeks. It's like a holiday but once the two weeks are over and I have determined whatever connection I've made isn't going to last, I drop off the dating sites again and just live my life.
What's my advice?... find yourself first. Took me a while to realise this and although it may seem obvious, after 20 years married, I had utterly forgotten who I was before. It would be unfair to suggest "she" drove those elements out of me but within the circumstance of that marriage, I had let go of everything I had been. It's taken time to rebuild but I feel better than I have for years now.
After 3 years single, happily single, I decided I would create a dating profile for a strict 2-weeks every year and just roll the dice. Initially this wasn't terribly successful because I approached it with the same earnestness (is that a word?) I had previously which a) doesn't attract many women, and b) attracts the wrong type (for me). However, when I decided to just go at it somewhat more whimsically, I started to get loads of hits.
I'm in my late 50s and I'm not most women's ideal looking guy however I have good smile, thick hair, have some interesting, erm, interests (cars, drums, travel/road trips, cycling, dogs), and I have worked out how to appeal to some women without compromising who I am.
Although I've not made a permanent connection with anyone, I do enjoy my annual two weeks. It's like a holiday but once the two weeks are over and I have determined whatever connection I've made isn't going to last, I drop off the dating sites again and just live my life.
What's my advice?... find yourself first. Took me a while to realise this and although it may seem obvious, after 20 years married, I had utterly forgotten who I was before. It would be unfair to suggest "she" drove those elements out of me but within the circumstance of that marriage, I had let go of everything I had been. It's taken time to rebuild but I feel better than I have for years now.
You are focusing on the wrong things. A relationship is not about “not being alone”. In fact in the wrong relationship you can feel very alone. Loneliness is not about not being in a relationship. You need to think about what you enjoy in life, what motivates you and what new stuff you would like to try and get out there. You sound like you have no friends and that’s the issue more than not having a partner. Start doing things you enjoy and meeting people with similar interests
Scabutz said:
In the short term I have my daughters, we have a great relationship and even as they are now getting to adults they arent going to turn down a 5* holiday in the Italian lakes or wherever with dad, but eventually they will.
Try not to be negative, sounds like you are doing great with them. Keep putting in the effort and it will continue to reward you. Yes, they might go through a phase as young adults where they want to get out and explore the world by themselves, but that doesn't mean they won't be interested in going away with you. Especially as they get a bit older, maybe settle down, have kids of their own, etc, and want a big family holiday.Mars said:
....
What's my advice?... find yourself first.
This - a very good friend of mine was hurt, maybe even damaged by his ex and he's just making sure that he's occupied enough by hobbies, sports, and helping others that my perception is that he's happy and really doesn't want another person in his life like that as it would change what he's enjoying.What's my advice?... find yourself first.
I'm just thinking that he may bump into someone at some stage who will click with him - he certainly doesn't appear to be looking.
No rush, and no need to have a plan, or even set any kind of direction.
You can't decide today what you're doing next year or next decade or the decade after that. And if you try then you'll end up overruling yourself.
A thousand things will happen, and one of those things might be meeting a new partner.
You can't decide today what you're doing next year or next decade or the decade after that. And if you try then you'll end up overruling yourself.
A thousand things will happen, and one of those things might be meeting a new partner.
Latter age relationships can be so so tricky, the variables between two making a go of it can be massive and a natural hinderance, such as - different financial status, family dynamics both sides, in built hobbies and habit that have matured strongly over time, the list goes on and on.
I know so many people that are single, in fact, I know more singletons than couples.
To the OP, just go with the flow, cause, that's when stuff tends to happen for the good.
I know so many people that are single, in fact, I know more singletons than couples.
To the OP, just go with the flow, cause, that's when stuff tends to happen for the good.
Other than my wife and son I could go for months without seeing any friends. For men I'd say this situation is tough vs women who do seem to have more friends and socialize more generally.
Try and get out more, join some clubs etc. Even some socialising will be better for the old noggin that just sat at home all the time.
TX.
Try and get out more, join some clubs etc. Even some socialising will be better for the old noggin that just sat at home all the time.
TX.
Terminator X said:
women who do
Totally agree, my gf's family is heavily girl based and they all hang out together on a regular basis, meals the lot.My family, man based, I have 2 bros, proper zero effs then, one I never see, has a long issue with me that nobody can work out the reason and then my younger bro, who just doesn't care.
I have to admit though, it does suit me as this way, less drama.
Men anti-social, yep, its a thing
I had several failed relationships, two costly divorces and decided at the age of 42 I was done, I wasn't going to let someone in and potentially lose what left of my finances I had I was committed to being single and thought I'm never going through that again.
I'd had the occasional woman trying to chat me up but I'd alway make my excuses and get out of the situation because I was determined I wanted to be single. I made my house the way I wanted and did whatever I wanted to do. I became fully selfish and treated myself like I wanted to be treated. It was bloody fantastic and it did have it's moments of loneliness but that passed quite quickly.
I kept fit, ate well and looked after myself, made myself look and smell nice, not to pull because I didn't want anyone but it made me feel better about myself.
8 years in of this fantastic life some curiously smiley blonde kept chatting to me, she couldn't possible be interested I thought because she was much younger, I mean late 30s so I thought I was safe talking to her. A few months later she sent me a message and said flirting obviously isn't working so I'm going to directly ask you out for a drink.
We've been together 4 years, she is the kindest most beautiful soul I have ever met, a real angel on earth.
Not sure what I'm trying to say but I suppose it's when you're ready it will find you.
I'd had the occasional woman trying to chat me up but I'd alway make my excuses and get out of the situation because I was determined I wanted to be single. I made my house the way I wanted and did whatever I wanted to do. I became fully selfish and treated myself like I wanted to be treated. It was bloody fantastic and it did have it's moments of loneliness but that passed quite quickly.
I kept fit, ate well and looked after myself, made myself look and smell nice, not to pull because I didn't want anyone but it made me feel better about myself.
8 years in of this fantastic life some curiously smiley blonde kept chatting to me, she couldn't possible be interested I thought because she was much younger, I mean late 30s so I thought I was safe talking to her. A few months later she sent me a message and said flirting obviously isn't working so I'm going to directly ask you out for a drink.
We've been together 4 years, she is the kindest most beautiful soul I have ever met, a real angel on earth.
Not sure what I'm trying to say but I suppose it's when you're ready it will find you.
Interesting thread and one that’s struck a bit of a chord with me.
I’m mid-50s but probably in a slightly unusual position in that I have a 6-year-old daughter aswell as two adult children and two young grandchildren. So although I’m at an age where a lot of people are starting to get their time back, I’m still very much in the world of childcare, weekends organised around children, family commitments etc.
It creates a somewhat odd dating dynamic.
Since splitting from my daughters Mum I’ve dated someone nearer my own age who had an older child, but ironically our lives didn’t fit together particularly well because she had much more freedom than I have. Finding time between my daughter, grandchildren, work and everything else was surprisingly difficult.
More recently I’ve been involved with someone quite a bit younger who also has younger children, so on paper our lives aligned much better. The downside has been considerably more complication and quite frankly unnecessary drama.
I think that’s where I’ve changed as I’ve got older. I’m more than capable of looking after myself, I’m financially and emotionally self-sufficient and I’ve built a life I’m pretty content with. I’ve also come to really value my peace. A relationship now has to add something to that life rather than constantly disrupt it and my tolerance for emotional rollercoasters is considerably lower than it perhaps once was.
That’s probably my dilemma. I don’t feel I need a relationship but I absolutely do miss the companionship — having someone to go away with, have dinner with, share the mundane stuff with etc.
So I sometimes wonder whether I’m destined to be single simply because I’m so time-poor and there are relatively few people whose lives would fit comfortably alongside mine.
Maybe the answer is not to decide anything. Carry on enjoying life, don’t actively chase a relationship, but don’t close the door if the right person happens to wander through it.
And if she doesn’t, I suppose there’s always the fallback option of remaining single and buying a Porsche or an Aston Martin
I’m mid-50s but probably in a slightly unusual position in that I have a 6-year-old daughter aswell as two adult children and two young grandchildren. So although I’m at an age where a lot of people are starting to get their time back, I’m still very much in the world of childcare, weekends organised around children, family commitments etc.
It creates a somewhat odd dating dynamic.
Since splitting from my daughters Mum I’ve dated someone nearer my own age who had an older child, but ironically our lives didn’t fit together particularly well because she had much more freedom than I have. Finding time between my daughter, grandchildren, work and everything else was surprisingly difficult.
More recently I’ve been involved with someone quite a bit younger who also has younger children, so on paper our lives aligned much better. The downside has been considerably more complication and quite frankly unnecessary drama.
I think that’s where I’ve changed as I’ve got older. I’m more than capable of looking after myself, I’m financially and emotionally self-sufficient and I’ve built a life I’m pretty content with. I’ve also come to really value my peace. A relationship now has to add something to that life rather than constantly disrupt it and my tolerance for emotional rollercoasters is considerably lower than it perhaps once was.
That’s probably my dilemma. I don’t feel I need a relationship but I absolutely do miss the companionship — having someone to go away with, have dinner with, share the mundane stuff with etc.
So I sometimes wonder whether I’m destined to be single simply because I’m so time-poor and there are relatively few people whose lives would fit comfortably alongside mine.
Maybe the answer is not to decide anything. Carry on enjoying life, don’t actively chase a relationship, but don’t close the door if the right person happens to wander through it.
And if she doesn’t, I suppose there’s always the fallback option of remaining single and buying a Porsche or an Aston Martin
Scabutz said:
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Firstly, the only thing worse than being alone is being with someone who makes you feel like you're alone.
Yeah amen to that, and that's how I was feeling towards the end of the last relationship, which is why I ended it. Thought I might as well be alone.Its not ideal, but its better than a zombie relationship.
Having just come outof a long marriage (22 years) and single again at the age of 54 I can identify with many of the comments on here.
I am in no position of experience or expertise but so far I am finding it easyish to get out there (naturally the emotional traumas will take a while to heal and not very day is full of joy!)
I am socially isolated and even admitting that was difficult but so far I seem quite busy just taking things a day or two at a time and I have exchanged messages with a few ladies I met along the way just to help my confidence of course !
But I have been brutal with myself in terms of getting out , every evening I am out, Gym , new running club and the singles events I have been to have been great fun,
Happy to share more details if wanted on the groups , I also now feel that the future is getting brighter but it will take time
I am in no position of experience or expertise but so far I am finding it easyish to get out there (naturally the emotional traumas will take a while to heal and not very day is full of joy!)
I am socially isolated and even admitting that was difficult but so far I seem quite busy just taking things a day or two at a time and I have exchanged messages with a few ladies I met along the way just to help my confidence of course !
But I have been brutal with myself in terms of getting out , every evening I am out, Gym , new running club and the singles events I have been to have been great fun,
Happy to share more details if wanted on the groups , I also now feel that the future is getting brighter but it will take time
I've often thought about how I would handle life alone. I'm 54, married with a 20yr old son who lives at home, I've always loved spending time alone, but always knowing I have people in my life to return to, and there's a big difference between spending time alone, and being alone. I wouldn't want to go into old age being single and completely alone.
I reckon I'd go on a few holidays catering for single people. I know cruise ships do them, with planned events/meetings for all the singles to get together, I'd go on the premise that i'm holidaying alone, but if I met someone then that's bonus.
I reckon I'd go on a few holidays catering for single people. I know cruise ships do them, with planned events/meetings for all the singles to get together, I'd go on the premise that i'm holidaying alone, but if I met someone then that's bonus.
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