Are we being too harsh ?
Discussion
Interested in some independent opinions on a family situation, as I suspect there’ll be a few different views on this one!
My wife’s son has recently moved back in with us. He’s 25, a lovely lad, hard worker, etc.
We’re going away in a couple of days and, whilst he’s a lovely lad, he’s not particularly used to looking after a house, cleaning, cooking, etc. So we told him that whilst we’re away, this isn’t a party house and nobody stays over. He accepted that at the time, no issue there.
The issue:
● He’s been talking to this girl for a couple of weeks, but they’ve only actually met in person around three times.
● We’ve never met her ourselves.
● Last night he stayed overnight at her house, which is actually her mum’s house, with her mum present.
● Tonight he comes home and seems to feel that, having been welcomed into her family home, it should be reasonable for her to stay at ours in return.
We’re not opposed to her staying over in principle. We’d be perfectly happy to meet her and for her to stay at some point in the future. The issue is that he wants her to stay while we’re on holiday, when we won’t be there, and before we’ve even had the opportunity to meet her and we don’t feel comfortable having someone we’ve never met staying in our home while we’re not there.
He wasn’t happy with that and reacted badly, seemingly feeling that because he’s been allowed to stay at hers, we should reciprocate.
So, what would you do?
● Would you stick to the agreement we made before he even met her — i.e. nobody stays over whilst we’re away?
● Does the fact that he stayed at her mum’s house change anything?
● Is this a reasonable boundary for homeowners to set, or are we being unnecessarily restrictive when it comes to a 25-year-old?
Interested to hear both sides. Happy to be told we’re being unreasonable if that’s genuinely what people think.
My wife’s son has recently moved back in with us. He’s 25, a lovely lad, hard worker, etc.
We’re going away in a couple of days and, whilst he’s a lovely lad, he’s not particularly used to looking after a house, cleaning, cooking, etc. So we told him that whilst we’re away, this isn’t a party house and nobody stays over. He accepted that at the time, no issue there.
The issue:
● He’s been talking to this girl for a couple of weeks, but they’ve only actually met in person around three times.
● We’ve never met her ourselves.
● Last night he stayed overnight at her house, which is actually her mum’s house, with her mum present.
● Tonight he comes home and seems to feel that, having been welcomed into her family home, it should be reasonable for her to stay at ours in return.
We’re not opposed to her staying over in principle. We’d be perfectly happy to meet her and for her to stay at some point in the future. The issue is that he wants her to stay while we’re on holiday, when we won’t be there, and before we’ve even had the opportunity to meet her and we don’t feel comfortable having someone we’ve never met staying in our home while we’re not there.
He wasn’t happy with that and reacted badly, seemingly feeling that because he’s been allowed to stay at hers, we should reciprocate.
So, what would you do?
● Would you stick to the agreement we made before he even met her — i.e. nobody stays over whilst we’re away?
● Does the fact that he stayed at her mum’s house change anything?
● Is this a reasonable boundary for homeowners to set, or are we being unnecessarily restrictive when it comes to a 25-year-old?
Interested to hear both sides. Happy to be told we’re being unreasonable if that’s genuinely what people think.
For me, I'd be personally be worried about valuables going missing (from an unknown stranger in your house situation, rather than probably the reality), but apart from that. I'd have no issue.
I guess at least he told you rather than going behind your back.
Everything else wouldn't bother me if he's sensible.
Chances are, she's probably a good person, but I'd want to at least meet her first.
I guess at least he told you rather than going behind your back.
Everything else wouldn't bother me if he's sensible.
Chances are, she's probably a good person, but I'd want to at least meet her first.
He's living in his mother's home? Does she want him to feel secure in her home and feel like its his home whilst hes there or do you want him.to feel like a temporary lodger.
Even if he were a lodger with a lodgers agreement hed be allowed overnight guests..
What are you scared of ? Theft ? Him feeling like it's his home too and staying too long? He's 25 and needs to have a f
king life... literally.
I think you and his mother sound like controlling people.
Our daughter and her Boyfriend just spent 8 months living with us after they came back from travelling whilst they bought a house.
We didnt charge them.a penny, they weren't particularly tidy. They got in the way when I needed to use the one bathroom, but it saved them £££££ in rent and bills and my wife loved having them in the house.
My wife's sister has an adult son living with her. She goes away to a caravan on the edge of the lake district and I know that when the house is empty a "friend" stays with him. His parents have yet to meet this friend and it's been over a year. He is quite a private person and his part of the house is always spotless.
You could have a daughter like my wife's brother. Came home from a weekend away to find their 17 year old daughter had had a party and the people "invited" had caused £15k work of damage. 15 years later she has 5 kids from 4 fathers and lives in "Beruit"
FFS GET A GRIP be nice be kind. Say "Thank you for leaving the house looking nice and clean:
Even if he were a lodger with a lodgers agreement hed be allowed overnight guests..
What are you scared of ? Theft ? Him feeling like it's his home too and staying too long? He's 25 and needs to have a f
king life... literally. I think you and his mother sound like controlling people.
Our daughter and her Boyfriend just spent 8 months living with us after they came back from travelling whilst they bought a house.
We didnt charge them.a penny, they weren't particularly tidy. They got in the way when I needed to use the one bathroom, but it saved them £££££ in rent and bills and my wife loved having them in the house.
My wife's sister has an adult son living with her. She goes away to a caravan on the edge of the lake district and I know that when the house is empty a "friend" stays with him. His parents have yet to meet this friend and it's been over a year. He is quite a private person and his part of the house is always spotless.
You could have a daughter like my wife's brother. Came home from a weekend away to find their 17 year old daughter had had a party and the people "invited" had caused £15k work of damage. 15 years later she has 5 kids from 4 fathers and lives in "Beruit"
FFS GET A GRIP be nice be kind. Say "Thank you for leaving the house looking nice and clean:
We had a similar situation a couple of years ago, although with the genders reversed. They'd only been on a few dates and we didn't realise until we were away that he was going to be staying the weekend.
Our main concern was valuables - he was a stranger to us and there was stuff that was clearly visible in our bedroom with the door open.
We didn't do anything to prevent it though - didn't even have a conversation about it. She was an adult and banning her boyfriend until we were in the house did not seem reasonable.
It worked out for them actually - they bought a house together a couple of weeks ago.
Our main concern was valuables - he was a stranger to us and there was stuff that was clearly visible in our bedroom with the door open.
We didn't do anything to prevent it though - didn't even have a conversation about it. She was an adult and banning her boyfriend until we were in the house did not seem reasonable.
It worked out for them actually - they bought a house together a couple of weeks ago.
Make sure valuables are secure (just in case), tell him no partying and tell him make sure the house is tidy when you get back. Most importantly tell him to have a great time and take the required precautions if he does not want kids yet. Its his big chance to show he can be trusted so I doubt he will let you down if he is a good lad.
Some interesting points, thanks. Just to clarify a little of the background, as I think some of it may have been missed in the original post.
He moved back in with us following the breakup of a long-term relationship. We don’t charge him rent and have been supporting him over the last few months while he gets back on his feet and plans his future. When he was with his ex, they stayed at ours whenever they wanted, so this isn’t about us being opposed to him having a girlfriend or having her stay over.
The key points are that we’ve never met this new girl, they’ve only met in person three times, and the agreement that nobody stays over while we’re away was made and accepted before he even met her. There’s no opportunity to meet her before we leave, either.
We’re not saying she can never stay. We’re simply questioning whether it’s unreasonable to stick to an agreement that was already in place, particularly when it involves someone we’ve never met staying in our home while we’re away.
He moved back in with us following the breakup of a long-term relationship. We don’t charge him rent and have been supporting him over the last few months while he gets back on his feet and plans his future. When he was with his ex, they stayed at ours whenever they wanted, so this isn’t about us being opposed to him having a girlfriend or having her stay over.
The key points are that we’ve never met this new girl, they’ve only met in person three times, and the agreement that nobody stays over while we’re away was made and accepted before he even met her. There’s no opportunity to meet her before we leave, either.
We’re not saying she can never stay. We’re simply questioning whether it’s unreasonable to stick to an agreement that was already in place, particularly when it involves someone we’ve never met staying in our home while we’re away.
AlexC1981 said:
I'm surprised he even told you first.
He deserves credit for that.Presumably he fancies her so he'll be in bed for much of the time, he won't be inviting his mates round. How much damage can 1 girl do? She might even help him cook/clean etc.
I'd OK this - with the caveat I'm not a parent
Honestly - I think he is in a tough situation.
Ideally he is comfortable enough with the relationship with his parents that he can invite a girl to stay over and then to cover up poorly. I wouldnt think she is crazy enough to bring her bags for a week vacation but would spend night or 2 instead.
Alternatively, he would comply with your wish which he doesnt comprehend/understand at all. This would ofcourse come at a personal cost. You are saying he is decent so risking personal relationship which he deserves based on efforts in life. He is trying to get ahead by staying with parents instead of racking credit card debt. Principle of fairness and getting results for effort is breached for incomprehensible for him reasons.
Dont read this as if I dont get where you are coming from. I fully understand you. Also you are in between the weird relationship between mother and son which you probably dont understand (I dont) and just having chilled life on the other hand. What can you do? Manage the outcome of the situation. I can imagine you kick him out over one extra person taking a poo in your toilet wouldnt feel like a victory.
One positive thing is that the way she treats the house would show you how she sees him. Does it take care and want to impress in-laws or is she just passer by.
I am curious how this situation unfolds. I suspect you trying to drink your whiskey behind closed door while your wife is shouting at him. Lets see.
Of ourse if he invites 10 friends and they have a party then conversation changes. Rightmove/zoopla and he can pay for his food in meantime.
Ideally he is comfortable enough with the relationship with his parents that he can invite a girl to stay over and then to cover up poorly. I wouldnt think she is crazy enough to bring her bags for a week vacation but would spend night or 2 instead.
Alternatively, he would comply with your wish which he doesnt comprehend/understand at all. This would ofcourse come at a personal cost. You are saying he is decent so risking personal relationship which he deserves based on efforts in life. He is trying to get ahead by staying with parents instead of racking credit card debt. Principle of fairness and getting results for effort is breached for incomprehensible for him reasons.
Dont read this as if I dont get where you are coming from. I fully understand you. Also you are in between the weird relationship between mother and son which you probably dont understand (I dont) and just having chilled life on the other hand. What can you do? Manage the outcome of the situation. I can imagine you kick him out over one extra person taking a poo in your toilet wouldnt feel like a victory.
One positive thing is that the way she treats the house would show you how she sees him. Does it take care and want to impress in-laws or is she just passer by.
I am curious how this situation unfolds. I suspect you trying to drink your whiskey behind closed door while your wife is shouting at him. Lets see.
Of ourse if he invites 10 friends and they have a party then conversation changes. Rightmove/zoopla and he can pay for his food in meantime.
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