Mixed emotions
Discussion
On Tuesday my brother in law died aged 44. They hope to bury him next week and I have been asked to be a bearer.
Thing is I have mixed emotions about it all. I am obviously sad that my sister has lost her husband and their 3 kids have no father, but to be frank he was an utter bar steward and there was nothing about the man I could like.
He ruled the family with a rod of iron and they were all scared stiff of him, to the point where his 16 year old son and 15 year old girlfriend kept a pregnancy secret until she nearly gave birth in a shopping centre toilet with the plan to abandon the baby. My sister ended up in a women's refuge more than one and the kids cowered everytime he spoke. It was only when he fell ill that she had any life he didn't control. Only his ill health kept him out of prison, as he drove whilst drunk and disqualified, assaulted people at the drop of a hat and dealt in fake DVDs and software whilst claiming state benefits. He refused to help with the kids, or even look after them so she could go out of the house, even though all he was doing was watching Sky and the kids were old enough to be no trouble. He did provide for the kids, but only through his illegal activities and by knowing the benefits system inside out. He caused me an amount of personal and professional embarrassment through his activities.
For the sake of my sister and kids I will do all I can to help and keep a tight grip on my tongue, but inside I am thinking she is being given a chance of the life he controlled for 20 years. Now I feel gulity for having those thoughts. I am just hoping she doesn't want anyone to say nice things about him at the service. there is every chance that I may be called upon to help with the arrangements for the funeral once the body is released (there is an inquest) and I will, but I haven't got the car engine warmed ready for the call which i feel i should have.
Should I be more charitable and humane in my thoughts or just keep a lid on it?
Thing is I have mixed emotions about it all. I am obviously sad that my sister has lost her husband and their 3 kids have no father, but to be frank he was an utter bar steward and there was nothing about the man I could like.
He ruled the family with a rod of iron and they were all scared stiff of him, to the point where his 16 year old son and 15 year old girlfriend kept a pregnancy secret until she nearly gave birth in a shopping centre toilet with the plan to abandon the baby. My sister ended up in a women's refuge more than one and the kids cowered everytime he spoke. It was only when he fell ill that she had any life he didn't control. Only his ill health kept him out of prison, as he drove whilst drunk and disqualified, assaulted people at the drop of a hat and dealt in fake DVDs and software whilst claiming state benefits. He refused to help with the kids, or even look after them so she could go out of the house, even though all he was doing was watching Sky and the kids were old enough to be no trouble. He did provide for the kids, but only through his illegal activities and by knowing the benefits system inside out. He caused me an amount of personal and professional embarrassment through his activities.
For the sake of my sister and kids I will do all I can to help and keep a tight grip on my tongue, but inside I am thinking she is being given a chance of the life he controlled for 20 years. Now I feel gulity for having those thoughts. I am just hoping she doesn't want anyone to say nice things about him at the service. there is every chance that I may be called upon to help with the arrangements for the funeral once the body is released (there is an inquest) and I will, but I haven't got the car engine warmed ready for the call which i feel i should have.
Should I be more charitable and humane in my thoughts or just keep a lid on it?
Mate, my missus's grandad was by all accounts a complete bastard as well, a violent drunk wife-beater who did the usual trick of appearing to be a pillar of the community outside the home but a horrible person inside.
He died of cancer before she was born but the legacy still affects her mother who feels exactly how you feel. Forgive me if I'm reading you wrong but I'd say you're glad he's dead but feel guilty for thinking this. We've been told some real horror stories about him and my reaction is basically
him, he's dead.
He died of cancer before she was born but the legacy still affects her mother who feels exactly how you feel. Forgive me if I'm reading you wrong but I'd say you're glad he's dead but feel guilty for thinking this. We've been told some real horror stories about him and my reaction is basically
him, he's dead. Get on with it, and dare I say it, enjoy it, in a serious and sombre manner of course. Make sure he's in the box, you carry it in and see it into the hole/flames, then you know he's gone for good. Raise a glass in the spirit of 'Good riddance to bad rubbish' or similar. It's only a few hours to endure, soon be over.
The best chance your sister has of making the most of the rest of her life is to bury the bad bits of the past with the coffin. All that anyone can do by raking over the awful things that happened is make her relive them now.
Discretion is the better part of valour. When she's ready to talk about the past she will. If she wants to get angry or upset, then that's fine, and your job is to be there to support her, listen and understand. She might change her mind about how she feels about him many times. Venting your anger just dumps your shit on her, when she's already got plenty of her own to deal with and frankly doesn't need it.
Discretion is the better part of valour. When she's ready to talk about the past she will. If she wants to get angry or upset, then that's fine, and your job is to be there to support her, listen and understand. She might change her mind about how she feels about him many times. Venting your anger just dumps your shit on her, when she's already got plenty of her own to deal with and frankly doesn't need it.
I don't think you should feel guilty. You have good reason to feel the way you do and your thoughts harm nobody. In your position I would "help" with any practical arrangements but either make excuses if asked to speak at the funeral or just think very carefully about what you say. To some extent situations like this demand as certain "falseness" - that is normal. More than ever, I think that life is a compromise - don't give yourself a hard time over this.
leftie said:
On Tuesday my brother in law died aged 44. They hope to bury him next week and I have been asked to be a bearer.
Thing is I have mixed emotions about it all. I am obviously sad that my sister has lost her husband and their 3 kids have no father, but to be frank he was an utter bar steward and there was nothing about the man I could like.
There is no law so say you have to start liking him just because he died.
Just be comfortable that your sister may well have a chance for decent happiness and just be there for her.
leftie said:
Thanks folks. I was thinking about giving it a few months and then treating her and her daughter to some pampering with a decent hairdresser etc. As he was uninsurable what little they did have will be gone by then.
That's a nice thought.
Good timing too - loads of people will be offering to help her in the next few weeks, but everyone except the hardcore friends tends to wander off after a couple of months.I had to attend my grandmothers funeral several years ago. She was a nasty piece of work (a view shared by the rest of my family!) and managed to spend her way through my grandfathers retirement money and moaned her way through life....
Anyway, didnt stop a decent funeral and no one said a thing. Nothing horrible or nasty and no comments. It was almost a relief for everyone, but there was at least some dignity involved.
Personally, keep schtum and get on with it - relief in the knowledge that at least somebody will be better off now....
Anyway, didnt stop a decent funeral and no one said a thing. Nothing horrible or nasty and no comments. It was almost a relief for everyone, but there was at least some dignity involved.
Personally, keep schtum and get on with it - relief in the knowledge that at least somebody will be better off now....
Classic psychopath symptoms by the sounds of it.
I'd realise that your own take on it is going to change over time, I think that your neutral reaction indicates the situation hasn't really settled in your mind. I'd be inclined to watch what you say as her progress through the transition could be at a different rate to yours (slower) and one could do some proper damage.
Takes all sorts to make a world and I suppose if we were all more friendly, the less friendly of those would be regarded as unacceptably antisocial. Hmmm......
I'd realise that your own take on it is going to change over time, I think that your neutral reaction indicates the situation hasn't really settled in your mind. I'd be inclined to watch what you say as her progress through the transition could be at a different rate to yours (slower) and one could do some proper damage.
Takes all sorts to make a world and I suppose if we were all more friendly, the less friendly of those would be regarded as unacceptably antisocial. Hmmm......
Personally, if it was me, I wouldn't be carrying that coffin. I wouldn't say anything nice. I wouldn't go to the wake.
I'd turn up, do the supportive routine, and then go home and wash the car or something. Anything that legitimises this character's existence is a bad thing, and if it annoys your sister that you don't care then just tell her that actually you don't care about him.
I'd turn up, do the supportive routine, and then go home and wash the car or something. Anything that legitimises this character's existence is a bad thing, and if it annoys your sister that you don't care then just tell her that actually you don't care about him.
Gassing Station | The Pie & Piston Archive | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff