Driving Sims - an alternative user's guide
Discussion
Technology has come far in recent years. The driving games we play are almost unrecognisable in comparison with Revs, Pole Position, Spy Hunter and other such classics. We race at Donington, Spa, Zolder: real circuits, real challenges. We race at the wheels of some serious machinery: GT40s, Saubers, Lotus Cortinas...We've come a long way, baby!
With the advance of technology has come a sea change in the way we approach race gaming. Desks now need clearing, steering wheels need attaching, ironing boards must be commandeered with imperious authority. Circuits must be practised, braking points now need memorising, setups require days of study or alternatively must be sought out, downloaded and extensively tested for suitability with one's own personal driving style. To go fast requires a level of commitment that does not always sit well with the responsibilities of adult life.
This article intends to provide a brief overview of the perils of driving simulations in terms of your interpersonal communication, of your relationships with those who are lucky enough to be serving as domestic pit crew, engineers, hospitality, grid girls; in short, your friends and family.
1. The telephone
Do not answer the telephone. You are busy. It's important. Make sure that anyone liable to answer the phone is primed and ready to explain the situation: "No, sorry he can't come to the phone right now. He's playing his computer games and must not be disturbed. No listen Granny, you don't understand. It's a league. He's not doing very well. I'll ask him to call you back when he's stopped shaking in a couple of hours".
2. Mealtimes
It's not only virtual De Tomaso Panteras that require plenty of fuel to race: their drivers do too. Make sure you've taken care of the considerable calorie intake required for your 2 hour Mondello Short marathon before taking the wheel. Do not eat buttered muffins while you race as this could result in catastrophic mechanical failure. It is of critical importance to 'book' your wheeltime early, and if the fabulous sunday lunch your manager has spent four hours preparing coincides with your qualifying session then remember to ask for a Doggy Bag.
3. 24hr endurance
Late night racing is for many a singular pleasure. The house is dark, the headphones are on, distractions are limited to people waking up every five minutes and standing behind you in nighties, wild-haired, rubbing their eyes and asking sleepily: "Do you have to do that now?", "I have to get up in four hours" and also "Why do you never get any better?". Remember: every time you run wide, every spin you try vainly to recover sends a noise like this from your Driving Force Pro: "..eek-eek...WHHHhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeEEEE....YIIIAAAAooooooowWWWWIIIIEEEee" for miles and miles. There is nothing you can do about this, short of playing in a soundproofed recording studio or using the keyboard(!).
4. Guests
If you live abroad there is a good likelihood of your having friends and family as guests for an extended period (up to a week and that's final! We only just saw her in December!). This means that you are just going to have to explain yourself. If they love you they will understand. Try to encourage participation, you'll be surprised how people get into the swing of things once they start to feel included. Perhaps your mother in law makes a mean vodka martini. It could be that your 11 year old neice knows how to rustle up a platter of sausages on sticks. Get them charting laptimes, making notes of unsporting driving in others with a view to involving them in the sweet revenge of a gratifying coup de grace at a later race.
5. Commitment
More than any other factor, this is where those hundredths of a second are won and lost. You simply cannot afford to be half-arsed about this, so before turning a wheel in anger you need to have taken care of the following vital accessories:
- a full race suit
- gloves (I prefer the feel of suede)
- race boots with rubber going up the heel
- a racing seat. Good brands include Momo, Corbeau, Charles Eames (seat-base driver's name graphics strictly optional!)
Some hardened racers swear by their full-face helmets. Why not go the whole hog and prepare some tear-off visor strips (make your own with clingfilm and sellotape)? Your pit crew can help here by spraying oily water in your face at appropriate moments. Finally, if you're going for the full sensory experience, then don't forget to open all the windows before setting fire to that saucerful of innertube.
6. Lap of Honour
You're now ready to take on allcomers. Garlands can be re-used, while champagne stocks tend to need replenishment.
GLA!
>> Edited by castex on Tuesday 25th April 11:44
With the advance of technology has come a sea change in the way we approach race gaming. Desks now need clearing, steering wheels need attaching, ironing boards must be commandeered with imperious authority. Circuits must be practised, braking points now need memorising, setups require days of study or alternatively must be sought out, downloaded and extensively tested for suitability with one's own personal driving style. To go fast requires a level of commitment that does not always sit well with the responsibilities of adult life.
This article intends to provide a brief overview of the perils of driving simulations in terms of your interpersonal communication, of your relationships with those who are lucky enough to be serving as domestic pit crew, engineers, hospitality, grid girls; in short, your friends and family.
1. The telephone
Do not answer the telephone. You are busy. It's important. Make sure that anyone liable to answer the phone is primed and ready to explain the situation: "No, sorry he can't come to the phone right now. He's playing his computer games and must not be disturbed. No listen Granny, you don't understand. It's a league. He's not doing very well. I'll ask him to call you back when he's stopped shaking in a couple of hours".
2. Mealtimes
It's not only virtual De Tomaso Panteras that require plenty of fuel to race: their drivers do too. Make sure you've taken care of the considerable calorie intake required for your 2 hour Mondello Short marathon before taking the wheel. Do not eat buttered muffins while you race as this could result in catastrophic mechanical failure. It is of critical importance to 'book' your wheeltime early, and if the fabulous sunday lunch your manager has spent four hours preparing coincides with your qualifying session then remember to ask for a Doggy Bag.
3. 24hr endurance
Late night racing is for many a singular pleasure. The house is dark, the headphones are on, distractions are limited to people waking up every five minutes and standing behind you in nighties, wild-haired, rubbing their eyes and asking sleepily: "Do you have to do that now?", "I have to get up in four hours" and also "Why do you never get any better?". Remember: every time you run wide, every spin you try vainly to recover sends a noise like this from your Driving Force Pro: "..eek-eek...WHHHhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeEEEE....YIIIAAAAooooooowWWWWIIIIEEEee" for miles and miles. There is nothing you can do about this, short of playing in a soundproofed recording studio or using the keyboard(!).
4. Guests
If you live abroad there is a good likelihood of your having friends and family as guests for an extended period (up to a week and that's final! We only just saw her in December!). This means that you are just going to have to explain yourself. If they love you they will understand. Try to encourage participation, you'll be surprised how people get into the swing of things once they start to feel included. Perhaps your mother in law makes a mean vodka martini. It could be that your 11 year old neice knows how to rustle up a platter of sausages on sticks. Get them charting laptimes, making notes of unsporting driving in others with a view to involving them in the sweet revenge of a gratifying coup de grace at a later race.
5. Commitment
More than any other factor, this is where those hundredths of a second are won and lost. You simply cannot afford to be half-arsed about this, so before turning a wheel in anger you need to have taken care of the following vital accessories:
- a full race suit
- gloves (I prefer the feel of suede)
- race boots with rubber going up the heel
- a racing seat. Good brands include Momo, Corbeau, Charles Eames (seat-base driver's name graphics strictly optional!)
Some hardened racers swear by their full-face helmets. Why not go the whole hog and prepare some tear-off visor strips (make your own with clingfilm and sellotape)? Your pit crew can help here by spraying oily water in your face at appropriate moments. Finally, if you're going for the full sensory experience, then don't forget to open all the windows before setting fire to that saucerful of innertube.
6. Lap of Honour
You're now ready to take on allcomers. Garlands can be re-used, while champagne stocks tend to need replenishment.
GLA!
>> Edited by castex on Tuesday 25th April 11:44
Yes recognised more than a couple of those. 
s out of me and calls me sad 
_dobbo_ said:
"Why do you never get any better?"
Her: 'How did you do?'
Me: Two choices here:
1. "Crap, I *insert racing incident here*"
or
2. "Amazing, I *insert waffling about some great result where I overtook PV/Ian/etc*"
Her: depending on choice:
1."Oh Dear, thats a shame, theres always next week, trust that Ian/PV to be cheating so and so"
2. "Well done dear, isn't that PV gay..."
Not strictly the truth, however, similar conversations occur, usually with her not bothering to look up from Invasion/Desperat Housewives (depending on night)...
>> Edited by neil_cardiff on Wednesday 26th April 10:21
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