A new take on transport policy
Discussion
A certain non-named academic institution has developed a transport policy. As a result of this one of the employees has been circulating the attached additional questions and answers!! All names have been removed to protect the innocent!!
Transport policy: the questions you never asked
Q. If drug dealers are not to be allowed parking permits, how am I going to score?
A. See me later.
Q. As well as car thieves, will any other threats to safety be kept off the site?
A. Yes. We expect the transport policy to keep out weapons of mass destruction, Robert Mugabe, some members of the royal family and GM foods.
Q. Are there really 6000 spaces needed?
A. Nope. At the busiest time there are up to 1000 cars in surrounding streets.
Q. But it will get worse as The institution grows?
A. Nope. The government has abandoned university growth. Screwing the students for 20 grand will halt demand. University growth was just one of Labour’s lies.
Q. Is that the way you talk in universities?
A. Nope. For screwing we say modernising, and lies, as everywhere, are Public Relations.
Q. Will those reserved spaces behind Block A be for course administrators and teaching staff?
A. You must be joking.
Q. But aren’t they essential to the university mission? The front line?
A. Ha ha ha. Keep ‘em coming.
Q. I like the idea of working at home but don’t have 28 chairs in my living room.
A. Only 28? You may borrow 30 chairs but the rest of the class will have to stand.
Q. What about that stuff about saving fossil fuels? Good thing surely?
A. No need. Useable oil reserves increase every year - that’s why the price is lower than ever. It will never run out. Same thing happened to coal, which was supposed to run out but never did. Technology moves on. Folks didn’t give up using flint axes to save flint.
Q. Will horses be allowed permits?
A. A sensible question at last. The transport committee has determined that a horse is a type of camel, and since you must have come quite a way if you’re on a camel, you’ll get a permit.
Q. Why not just give everyone a right-to-roam permit and keep new students off unless they have a special need?
A. Too simple. Problem wrapped up in half an hour. We go for the Widow Twanky school of management.
Which is?
Lots of cooks, lots of rules, and everyone gets covered in custard. Like the EU and the UN.
Q. Won’t all staff get permits anyway, as they live further away than students?
A. Students have a home address and a term address. When they see the form, expect a lot of them to find they are travelling in from, say, Hull.
Q. I’m worried about trees. Don’t cars kill trees in some way, you know, that sustainable thingie, the environment?
A. Half the world is wilderness with more forest in the prosperous democratic parts than there was in the 18th century. Even the Amazon is only 10% down on what it was 40 years ago. At that rate they’ll just have it nicely cleared for some decent housing and shopping malls in time for that asteroid to hit it in 2500.
Q. But I’ve seen scary programmes on television. What makes you such a smarty pants who knows different?
A. By eschewing emetic, bien pensant, faux-ecocidal, egoistic, oppositional logorrhea.
Transport policy: the questions you never asked
Q. If drug dealers are not to be allowed parking permits, how am I going to score?
A. See me later.
Q. As well as car thieves, will any other threats to safety be kept off the site?
A. Yes. We expect the transport policy to keep out weapons of mass destruction, Robert Mugabe, some members of the royal family and GM foods.
Q. Are there really 6000 spaces needed?
A. Nope. At the busiest time there are up to 1000 cars in surrounding streets.
Q. But it will get worse as The institution grows?
A. Nope. The government has abandoned university growth. Screwing the students for 20 grand will halt demand. University growth was just one of Labour’s lies.
Q. Is that the way you talk in universities?
A. Nope. For screwing we say modernising, and lies, as everywhere, are Public Relations.
Q. Will those reserved spaces behind Block A be for course administrators and teaching staff?
A. You must be joking.
Q. But aren’t they essential to the university mission? The front line?
A. Ha ha ha. Keep ‘em coming.
Q. I like the idea of working at home but don’t have 28 chairs in my living room.
A. Only 28? You may borrow 30 chairs but the rest of the class will have to stand.
Q. What about that stuff about saving fossil fuels? Good thing surely?
A. No need. Useable oil reserves increase every year - that’s why the price is lower than ever. It will never run out. Same thing happened to coal, which was supposed to run out but never did. Technology moves on. Folks didn’t give up using flint axes to save flint.
Q. Will horses be allowed permits?
A. A sensible question at last. The transport committee has determined that a horse is a type of camel, and since you must have come quite a way if you’re on a camel, you’ll get a permit.
Q. Why not just give everyone a right-to-roam permit and keep new students off unless they have a special need?
A. Too simple. Problem wrapped up in half an hour. We go for the Widow Twanky school of management.
Which is?
Lots of cooks, lots of rules, and everyone gets covered in custard. Like the EU and the UN.
Q. Won’t all staff get permits anyway, as they live further away than students?
A. Students have a home address and a term address. When they see the form, expect a lot of them to find they are travelling in from, say, Hull.
Q. I’m worried about trees. Don’t cars kill trees in some way, you know, that sustainable thingie, the environment?
A. Half the world is wilderness with more forest in the prosperous democratic parts than there was in the 18th century. Even the Amazon is only 10% down on what it was 40 years ago. At that rate they’ll just have it nicely cleared for some decent housing and shopping malls in time for that asteroid to hit it in 2500.
Q. But I’ve seen scary programmes on television. What makes you such a smarty pants who knows different?
A. By eschewing emetic, bien pensant, faux-ecocidal, egoistic, oppositional logorrhea.
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