advice Gfriend / Cheating
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Well I need a bit of advice on what to do, having been with the current Mrs casio for about 2 years everything has been going fine talking about kids etc etc etc.
However I am a bit cautious as the last Mrs casio (5 years relationship) was also going down the same route untill I caught her out with another bloke tell tale signs led me to it new under, wear going out more, nights away on business being very catious not leaving mobile anywhere round house etc etc etc.
Well with one day to go until valentines day I am worried the same things are happening with the new Mrs i.e. new underwear, weekends away with the girls(very out of character), business trips that end half way through for no apparent reason etc etc.
To add insult to injury I now have proof that she has been speaking to a bloke who I don't know late at night when I have been out( not a crime but makes me wonder)
Now the point is do I confront her with this info and risk it all blowing up in my face as I have no real proof, It may be just a lot of coincidence but I just feel like I am starting to not trust her which is a slippery slope.I don't want to split up but also don't wanted to be treated like a mug been there before.
Any advice greatfully received.
Thanks
However I am a bit cautious as the last Mrs casio (5 years relationship) was also going down the same route untill I caught her out with another bloke tell tale signs led me to it new under, wear going out more, nights away on business being very catious not leaving mobile anywhere round house etc etc etc.
Well with one day to go until valentines day I am worried the same things are happening with the new Mrs i.e. new underwear, weekends away with the girls(very out of character), business trips that end half way through for no apparent reason etc etc.
To add insult to injury I now have proof that she has been speaking to a bloke who I don't know late at night when I have been out( not a crime but makes me wonder)
Now the point is do I confront her with this info and risk it all blowing up in my face as I have no real proof, It may be just a lot of coincidence but I just feel like I am starting to not trust her which is a slippery slope.I don't want to split up but also don't wanted to be treated like a mug been there before.
Any advice greatfully received.
Thanks
I know the feeling - myself I would just confront her but there is always the chance that she'll just deny it and the fact that you obviously still like her will make you just accept it when you shouldn't! The next thing you know she's turned things around and you are suddenly the guilty party. Being cautious with her mobile phone is key evidence of something strange going on, check her messages - usually very revealing.
Well with one day to go until valentines day I am worried the same things are happening with the new Mrs i.e. new underwear, weekends away with the girls(very out of character), business trips that end half way through for no apparent reason etc etc.
To add insult to injury I now have proof that she has been speaking to a bloke who I don't know late at night when I have been out( not a crime but makes me wonder)
Now the point is do I confront her with this info and risk it all blowing up in my face as I have no real proof, It may be just a lot of coincidence but I just feel like I am starting to not trust her which is a slippery slope.I don't want to split up but also don't wanted to be treated like a mug been there before.
Any advice greatfully received.
Thanks
how did you get your proof? she won't be happy if you were looking in her things, and if she actually isn't cheating, it could get ugly.
second, my personal advice (get pinch of salt ready) is that if she IS cheating, don't take her back unless you are cast iron sure of her motives (security, etc) - happened to (erm, a friend) and they felt doubly shitty when the truth came out again.
good luck
edited to say: definitely check her messages if you can get away with it - you'll feel crap but it'll probably give it away
>> Edited by minimax on Thursday 13th February 11:41
CONFRONT.
Its all very well just hoping for it to sort itself out, or go away on its own, but that NEVER happens.
I would start out by asking if there is anything she thinks i should know about, and gauge the reaction.
If shes been talking to some guy at night without being open about it with you, then that indicates a secret is being held.
Ive been through this, done it and got the bloody shirt as well.
If theres one thing that i personally hate, its not being open with each other in a relationship.
Secrets arouse suspicion and jealousy, the seeds of destruction in a relationship.
It may be entirely innocent, but then again, it may not be. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW!!
There should be no secrets between two people in a caring ,loving trusting relationship.
In the final analysis, its either put up, or shut up in a situation like this, id NEVER put up.
Hope its all innocent for you mate, its not a nice thing to have going on in your mind, i sympathise entirely with how you feel.
All the best.
Its all very well just hoping for it to sort itself out, or go away on its own, but that NEVER happens.
I would start out by asking if there is anything she thinks i should know about, and gauge the reaction.
If shes been talking to some guy at night without being open about it with you, then that indicates a secret is being held.
Ive been through this, done it and got the bloody shirt as well.
If theres one thing that i personally hate, its not being open with each other in a relationship.
Secrets arouse suspicion and jealousy, the seeds of destruction in a relationship.
It may be entirely innocent, but then again, it may not be. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW!!
There should be no secrets between two people in a caring ,loving trusting relationship.
In the final analysis, its either put up, or shut up in a situation like this, id NEVER put up.
Hope its all innocent for you mate, its not a nice thing to have going on in your mind, i sympathise entirely with how you feel.
All the best.
"how did you get your proof? she won't be happy if you were looking in her things, and if she actually isn't cheating, it could get ugly"
Well I haven't actually got any hard proof I guess thats the issue, I know about the phone calls, but I shouldn't if you know what I mean.
If some one cheated on me once that would be it full stop happened before and I have also been made to feel the guilty party as well so I know that trick as well, I do dearly love her, but the not knowing is starting to get me down, It also dosent help that I work for my self from home its driving me nutts !!!!!!
Well I haven't actually got any hard proof I guess thats the issue, I know about the phone calls, but I shouldn't if you know what I mean.
If some one cheated on me once that would be it full stop happened before and I have also been made to feel the guilty party as well so I know that trick as well, I do dearly love her, but the not knowing is starting to get me down, It also dosent help that I work for my self from home its driving me nutts !!!!!!
definitely check her messages if you can get away with it - you'll feel crap but it'll probably give it away
You can check dialled and recieved numbers as well (especially immediately b4 or after a trip away). Any suspicious ones you can call saying 'I just had a call from you on 1471, who is this?'
I know its getting down and dirty, but it sounds like an awful lot of circumstancial evidence to be totally innocent, but I'd want something firmer before confronting her.
Oh dear.
Best advice is be careful what advice you take.
Decide what you want to achieve here before you say or do anything. If what you really want is openness and reassurance, the please be cautious about making accusations and pick your words carefully. If what you want is to get out of the relationship, then do and say what you like.
I'd say talk to her, tell her that you know you might be being paranoid but the patterns of behaviour are similar to the bad experience with the first Mrs C, and ask her to give you some reassurance and comfort.
I really wouldn't start going through her texts if I were you. That's really low, and you'd be on a yellow card with me just for looking, regardless of whether the relationship was already on rocky ground.
Finally, don't worry too much. I'm always on the phone and go out with other blokes, but would never dream of being with anyone other than my b/f. It doesn't necessarily mean she's cheating on you. But get your mind straight before you open this up - how do you feel about her, if she had had a fling, would you be prepared to work together to fix it?
Best advice is be careful what advice you take.
Decide what you want to achieve here before you say or do anything. If what you really want is openness and reassurance, the please be cautious about making accusations and pick your words carefully. If what you want is to get out of the relationship, then do and say what you like.
I'd say talk to her, tell her that you know you might be being paranoid but the patterns of behaviour are similar to the bad experience with the first Mrs C, and ask her to give you some reassurance and comfort.
I really wouldn't start going through her texts if I were you. That's really low, and you'd be on a yellow card with me just for looking, regardless of whether the relationship was already on rocky ground.
Finally, don't worry too much. I'm always on the phone and go out with other blokes, but would never dream of being with anyone other than my b/f. It doesn't necessarily mean she's cheating on you. But get your mind straight before you open this up - how do you feel about her, if she had had a fling, would you be prepared to work together to fix it?
Don't 'Confront' her - discuss it with her. Tell her about your previous experience and that you are unsure about what is happening and your a bit worried. DO NOT accuse her of doing anything, try to discuss as adults without aportioning blame. That way you can still guage her reactions but you don't have to feel bad about confronting her and if she has not been 'playing away', you will not have ruined everything by forcing an issue or having a row. If your considerate about things, you'll give her no amo. That way she'll either feel very guilty or realise what a nice bloke she's 'fukcing' about, or that she has no reason to 'fukc' you about.
Just my tupence,
Good Luck!
Rob
Just my tupence,
Good Luck!
Rob
Well us guys can be just as sneaky!
Try setting up questions and situations to make her show her hand, thats if you want to be sly.
Stuff like setting up a dinner date for valentines etc...seeing if she "cant make it cos my friend needs someone to help her" and that kind of cobblers.
Sometimes its the only way to get the info you need, short of hiring a private investigator to do the dirty work.
If shes disappearing and acting differently then ID bloody do it!!!
But having said that, id only go to those lengths if i didnt get a satisfactory answer from the 1st question...the, is there something i should know question.
Try setting up questions and situations to make her show her hand, thats if you want to be sly.
Stuff like setting up a dinner date for valentines etc...seeing if she "cant make it cos my friend needs someone to help her" and that kind of cobblers.
Sometimes its the only way to get the info you need, short of hiring a private investigator to do the dirty work.
If shes disappearing and acting differently then ID bloody do it!!!
But having said that, id only go to those lengths if i didnt get a satisfactory answer from the 1st question...the, is there something i should know question.
Run your mobile out of battery and ask to borrow hers
Have you told her how nice she looks in the new undies ?
Do you have a habit of picking bunny boilers ?
Why is she with you anyway, is it different now to when you started, does she want to be with you for ever, are YOU still getting plenty ?
It may be that fidelity isn't that high on her list of priorities but you are. Then again there could be a million other things
sorry for the ramble
Have you told her how nice she looks in the new undies ?
Do you have a habit of picking bunny boilers ?
Why is she with you anyway, is it different now to when you started, does she want to be with you for ever, are YOU still getting plenty ?
It may be that fidelity isn't that high on her list of priorities but you are. Then again there could be a million other things
sorry for the ramble
Just ask her mate. Gauge her reaction - if shes cagey, shes up to something.
Also, if shes truly innocent and loves you as much as you presumably think she does, she'll make an effort to ensure youre happy that shes telling the truth as she wont want to lose you - she might be upset that you dont trust her but phrase it as "i just want to ask, as i dont want to mistrust you, its just been playing on my mind".
If on the other hand, she gets annoyed and starts getting really defensive etc, id wager shes been playing away.
Also, if shes truly innocent and loves you as much as you presumably think she does, she'll make an effort to ensure youre happy that shes telling the truth as she wont want to lose you - she might be upset that you dont trust her but phrase it as "i just want to ask, as i dont want to mistrust you, its just been playing on my mind".
If on the other hand, she gets annoyed and starts getting really defensive etc, id wager shes been playing away.
Sorry to hear about this mate, speaking as someone going through a divorce as a result of not unsimilar circumstances I'll come over as airing on the suspicious.
I brought my situation to a head by doing the reverse of trying to catch her out. I told her that I wasn't happy with the relationship and that I felt I was being neglected. It seemed to put her on the back foot and after a short time, her behaviour changed totally. Her secretive nature turned to guilt and regret and she eventually told me everything.
The thing is, it takes two of you to be committed to a relationship and unless both of you are prepared to work at the bad times, it will break down sooner or later. Gathering evidence really hurts and when you're hurt you don't generally tackle the situation in the most constructive way. Stay strong and tell her that you're unhappy.
If it's meant to be, it'll be.
Just my thoughts.
I brought my situation to a head by doing the reverse of trying to catch her out. I told her that I wasn't happy with the relationship and that I felt I was being neglected. It seemed to put her on the back foot and after a short time, her behaviour changed totally. Her secretive nature turned to guilt and regret and she eventually told me everything.
The thing is, it takes two of you to be committed to a relationship and unless both of you are prepared to work at the bad times, it will break down sooner or later. Gathering evidence really hurts and when you're hurt you don't generally tackle the situation in the most constructive way. Stay strong and tell her that you're unhappy.
If it's meant to be, it'll be.
Just my thoughts.
You've got to confront her, especially if it is affecting you in a negative way. The key is how you play it....do not confront her and ask it outright. Doing this will immediatly switch her to a defense mode, if she is cheating she'll know she's been caught, if she isnt she'll think you dont trust her - either way your going to argue with nothing being resolved at the end of it.
Step back and look at your relationship as a whole, has anything happened recently? are you as close as you once were? are you able to spend quality time together? have you begun to take her for granted etc. Woman need to feel wanted, if you dont give them this some may go elsewhere others may use other men as "Surrogate" boyfriends i.e they like the new attention, the enjoyment that another man finds them attractive but thats as far as it goes.
Maybe a starting point would be to ask how happy she is with the relationship or where she feels it is going (let her talk and you listen)- On the whole how you tackle this is up to you, only you know what type of woman she is.
If you opt to sneak around her personal life make sure you dont get caught! Plus any evidence you do find you cant really use in an argument because you shouldnt know about it in the first place.
Its a truely sh1tty thing to be involved in....i hope it all works out in the end.
>> Edited by Big Chris on Thursday 13th February 12:19
Step back and look at your relationship as a whole, has anything happened recently? are you as close as you once were? are you able to spend quality time together? have you begun to take her for granted etc. Woman need to feel wanted, if you dont give them this some may go elsewhere others may use other men as "Surrogate" boyfriends i.e they like the new attention, the enjoyment that another man finds them attractive but thats as far as it goes.
Maybe a starting point would be to ask how happy she is with the relationship or where she feels it is going (let her talk and you listen)- On the whole how you tackle this is up to you, only you know what type of woman she is.
If you opt to sneak around her personal life make sure you dont get caught! Plus any evidence you do find you cant really use in an argument because you shouldnt know about it in the first place.
Its a truely sh1tty thing to be involved in....i hope it all works out in the end.
>> Edited by Big Chris on Thursday 13th February 12:19
sniffing round after evidence is not the way to go. You'll feel like shit (a) because you may be abusing her trust and (b) because it'll leave you in limbo for some time to come and may well not be conclusive either way.
I'm with deltaf on this. Get everything out in the open. As has been said honesty and trust are vital in a relationship. At the moment YOU are in breach of the "trust" bit ... rightly/wrongly who knows? Personally I wouldn't kick off with the "is there something I ought to know?" line. It's slightly evasive and you need to talk to her as clearly and consisely as you possibly can. I'd lay my cards on the table exactly the way you did in your first message to us. If she isn't cheating on you she needs to understand where you're coming from and what you're feeling from the start to try to minimise how hurt she's going to be. If she is cheating on you, then by being completely up-front it'll highlight to her how deeply she is letting you down by being underhand. Assuming she doesn't despise you completely, which is a fair assumption given that she married you, it may be enough to get her to be stright with you. Good luck.
I'm with deltaf on this. Get everything out in the open. As has been said honesty and trust are vital in a relationship. At the moment YOU are in breach of the "trust" bit ... rightly/wrongly who knows? Personally I wouldn't kick off with the "is there something I ought to know?" line. It's slightly evasive and you need to talk to her as clearly and consisely as you possibly can. I'd lay my cards on the table exactly the way you did in your first message to us. If she isn't cheating on you she needs to understand where you're coming from and what you're feeling from the start to try to minimise how hurt she's going to be. If she is cheating on you, then by being completely up-front it'll highlight to her how deeply she is letting you down by being underhand. Assuming she doesn't despise you completely, which is a fair assumption given that she married you, it may be enough to get her to be stright with you. Good luck.
As a bloke, my advice is probably worthless, but here goes anyway..
It could all be quite innocent. You could just be paranoid because of your previous experiences.
Saying relationships should be open and honest is all well and good, but if she knows about your previous experience and is merely involved in something perfectly innocent, she might nonetheless take a rash decision to hide it from you because she feels you'll react exactly like this if she tells you.
If it is innocent, when it all comes out, she'll feel a fool for hiding it because of the fall-out, but she'll resent you (a) making her feel she needs to hide it because of your insecurity and (b) going thru her stuff (particularly her phone/credit card statements etc).
However 'in the right' you feel, snooping in her messages and stuff puts you in the wrong.
I hope she isn't doing what you fear she is, because if she is, the relationship is over. And even if you get through it together, you'd be fcuking crazy to start a family with her, because once you do that she can screw other blokes, practically right on front of you, and come the divorce, she'll get the house, children and all your money for the rest of your life even though she's the one in the wrong. So don't be thinking that starting a family is the way to bring these wild times to an end.
As an aside, EllingTJ is absolutely correct: when arguing with most women, you can't really get an objective 'win' on emotive territory - "The next thing you know she's turned things around and you are suddenly the guilty party." .... too true for comfort.
Good luck!
It could all be quite innocent. You could just be paranoid because of your previous experiences.
Saying relationships should be open and honest is all well and good, but if she knows about your previous experience and is merely involved in something perfectly innocent, she might nonetheless take a rash decision to hide it from you because she feels you'll react exactly like this if she tells you.
If it is innocent, when it all comes out, she'll feel a fool for hiding it because of the fall-out, but she'll resent you (a) making her feel she needs to hide it because of your insecurity and (b) going thru her stuff (particularly her phone/credit card statements etc).
However 'in the right' you feel, snooping in her messages and stuff puts you in the wrong.
I hope she isn't doing what you fear she is, because if she is, the relationship is over. And even if you get through it together, you'd be fcuking crazy to start a family with her, because once you do that she can screw other blokes, practically right on front of you, and come the divorce, she'll get the house, children and all your money for the rest of your life even though she's the one in the wrong. So don't be thinking that starting a family is the way to bring these wild times to an end.
As an aside, EllingTJ is absolutely correct: when arguing with most women, you can't really get an objective 'win' on emotive territory - "The next thing you know she's turned things around and you are suddenly the guilty party." .... too true for comfort.
Good luck!
Tough one..
If you confront her and its true, then you both know and can sort things out from there.
There is a big but though.. If you confront her and there is nothing in it, she will now think that you think she is capable of cheating on you. Thats really not a good thing; even if things were perfect and one of you thinks that of the other, it could lead to problems.
Best thing I can think of is as someone else said, ask her if there is anything she wants to tell you/talk to you about. Don't be threatening or accusative..
One last thing. IMHO, its very dangerous to work on the basis of this has happened to me in the past so it might again. Sure, sometimes these sorts of things sometimes happen to people more than once, but I feel you may make her feel you are comparing her to an ex. Thats not good..
If you confront her and its true, then you both know and can sort things out from there.
There is a big but though.. If you confront her and there is nothing in it, she will now think that you think she is capable of cheating on you. Thats really not a good thing; even if things were perfect and one of you thinks that of the other, it could lead to problems.
Best thing I can think of is as someone else said, ask her if there is anything she wants to tell you/talk to you about. Don't be threatening or accusative..
One last thing. IMHO, its very dangerous to work on the basis of this has happened to me in the past so it might again. Sure, sometimes these sorts of things sometimes happen to people more than once, but I feel you may make her feel you are comparing her to an ex. Thats not good..
Having had experiences like this, when your instinct tells you something is up it usually is the case.
This does not tell you WHAT is up, just that something is not right.
In the same circumstances, I would ask straight out in a very simple clear manner, during an unguarded moment ie whilst in the kitchen together making a cuppa, "are you seeing someone else".
Her reaction will tell all. Avoidance of eye contact, blushing and generally ignoring the question are signs of guilt.
Just imagine what how you would react if asked the same question. If you were innocent you would be inquisitive to know why she asked, where she's coming from etc. If you were guilty you would want to bypass the situation.
Usually face to face is too much even for the hardest of people.
good luck
This does not tell you WHAT is up, just that something is not right.
In the same circumstances, I would ask straight out in a very simple clear manner, during an unguarded moment ie whilst in the kitchen together making a cuppa, "are you seeing someone else".
Her reaction will tell all. Avoidance of eye contact, blushing and generally ignoring the question are signs of guilt.
Just imagine what how you would react if asked the same question. If you were innocent you would be inquisitive to know why she asked, where she's coming from etc. If you were guilty you would want to bypass the situation.
Usually face to face is too much even for the hardest of people.
good luck
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