Passenger Etiquette
Discussion
When one gets a lift in a car for the first time with a friend who then proceeds to drive like a loony, what are the best and/or constructive ways to tell them politely what you think of their driving and how to improve it without -
1. making it worse ?
2. being asked to get out and walk ?
3. losing a friend ?
1. making it worse ?
2. being asked to get out and walk ?
3. losing a friend ?
When I got into the IAM I made a vow to simply SHUT UP - particularly about my wife's driving. Its not that she's frightening...but there are a range of things that she does technically poorly. Since they're not that mechanically damaging (and she doesn't drive my car!) or safety related - and she doesn't want to go through IAM training (at the moment) its best for everyone for me to keep quiet.
I am often driven by work colleagues/clients who don't exactly cut the mustard either - and shut up.
If someone wants to do the IAM they'll ask for my criticism.
Nice point: sometimes I am driven by excellent drivers who do not drive "systematically" but could easily. I might tell them that if they wanted to do the IAM test they'd manage it with little bother...but this is a compliment and a LOT easier to deliver!
Now: in your situation, though, when they drive like a loony? I would arrange, in future, never to travel in a car with them again. If they get around to asking why? Say you're a nervous passenger (always easier to blame yourself than them) and that something set you off when you were last out...crank up the "Its ME not YOU" aspect of that...they'll get the hint just the same.
The flipside is that my wife is often nervous in the car with me. I have a Rospa Gold, I am an IAM observer. She knows I drive better than she can - admits it - but she's still nervous. In that case I truly believe it isn't all me - but I can always strive to be better...
I am often driven by work colleagues/clients who don't exactly cut the mustard either - and shut up.
If someone wants to do the IAM they'll ask for my criticism.
Nice point: sometimes I am driven by excellent drivers who do not drive "systematically" but could easily. I might tell them that if they wanted to do the IAM test they'd manage it with little bother...but this is a compliment and a LOT easier to deliver!
Now: in your situation, though, when they drive like a loony? I would arrange, in future, never to travel in a car with them again. If they get around to asking why? Say you're a nervous passenger (always easier to blame yourself than them) and that something set you off when you were last out...crank up the "Its ME not YOU" aspect of that...they'll get the hint just the same.
The flipside is that my wife is often nervous in the car with me. I have a Rospa Gold, I am an IAM observer. She knows I drive better than she can - admits it - but she's still nervous. In that case I truly believe it isn't all me - but I can always strive to be better...
Don said:
The flipside is that my wife is often nervous in the car with me. I have a Rospa Gold, I am an IAM observer. She knows I drive better than she can - admits it - but she's still nervous. In that case I truly believe it isn't all me - but I can always strive to be better...
Is it only your driving, or is it just that she doesn't like being a passenger at all?
I'm like Don: I keep observing and passengering separate. If someone asks, I'll try to explain in the most positive terms I can where I think they're going wrong, but otherwise I just grit my teeth and in future find ways to avoid being driven by them. Sometimes you think that you ought to say something, but you can't be everyone's nursemaid. None of the above applies to my son, of course: he gets the full "benefit" whenever he drives me anywhere.
There's none so deaf as those who won't hear....
With all feedback you need to ask yourself why you are giving it.
If it's to vent, stay quiet. If it's to show how clever you are, stay quiet. If, however, it's a genuine desire to see the other person improve, then you your first step is to ask permission. There's no point making the other person defensive, feel criticised or harrassed.
- Make the feedback available - "would you like to me to make some observations your driving?"
- Make it neutral and indisputable, centred on your own reaction - "sometimes when you corner, it makes me feel nervous"
- Make it specific and immediate - "on that last corner, I felt scared", as opposed to "you *always* drive corners badly"
- Make it actionable - "have you considered entering the corner slower and accelerating out?", "would you like to try..."
But all of this is of no avail if you haven't first established a trusted feedback relationship where the driver has asked for feedback and respects your views and intentions in giving it.
With all feedback you need to ask yourself why you are giving it.
If it's to vent, stay quiet. If it's to show how clever you are, stay quiet. If, however, it's a genuine desire to see the other person improve, then you your first step is to ask permission. There's no point making the other person defensive, feel criticised or harrassed.
- Make the feedback available - "would you like to me to make some observations your driving?"
- Make it neutral and indisputable, centred on your own reaction - "sometimes when you corner, it makes me feel nervous"
- Make it specific and immediate - "on that last corner, I felt scared", as opposed to "you *always* drive corners badly"
- Make it actionable - "have you considered entering the corner slower and accelerating out?", "would you like to try..."
But all of this is of no avail if you haven't first established a trusted feedback relationship where the driver has asked for feedback and respects your views and intentions in giving it.
GreenV8S said:
Don said:
The flipside is that my wife is often nervous in the car with me. I have a Rospa Gold, I am an IAM observer. She knows I drive better than she can - admits it - but she's still nervous. In that case I truly believe it isn't all me - but I can always strive to be better...
Is it only your driving, or is it just that she doesn't like being a passenger at all?
To be fair she doesn't like being a passenger much anyway...
I'm a dreadful passenger, the no. of times I have my foot on the imaginary brake ...
I usually just keep quiet though, only once or twice have I said something ...
A colleague took me out for a spin in his Elise, hmm, it was interesting ... sideways off a roundabout may not have been quite IAM, but it was fun ...
I managed not to say anything, to be fair his car control was excellent.
Martin
I usually just keep quiet though, only once or twice have I said something ...
A colleague took me out for a spin in his Elise, hmm, it was interesting ... sideways off a roundabout may not have been quite IAM, but it was fun ...
I managed not to say anything, to be fair his car control was excellent. Martin
Edited by mph999 on Monday 23 October 00:36
I've had it the other way! Driving a minibus on a wet and windy night with a young lady in the front seat "..I get car sick if I can't see where I'm going..". The van was understandably rocking a little with the wind, but I could see her visibly flinching and her hand shooting out as if to grab the wheel. She then audibly squawked when I double de-clutched to set the van up for a corner. I explained to her that I've been an advanced driver for 8 years, what the purpose of the double de-clutch was and that it was the wind making the minibus wobble, not my driving. I've been in a car with her and she's not a particularly competent driver and doesn't anticipate anything, but I nearly banished her to the back of the van, carsickness or not.
Funnily enough, two of the other passengers praised the drive for NOT feeling scared in difficult conditions....
Funnily enough, two of the other passengers praised the drive for NOT feeling scared in difficult conditions....
I have a sister-in-law and two friends who sit VERY close to the wheel - c can rest their elbows on the wheel and hold the wheel with their fingers pointing along the rim (if you can see what I mean).
When moving out of a junction my sister-in-law also changes from 1st to 2nd gear after a few feet when the car is sideways on to the approaching traffic!
So far I have managed to say nothing to any of them.
When moving out of a junction my sister-in-law also changes from 1st to 2nd gear after a few feet when the car is sideways on to the approaching traffic!
So far I have managed to say nothing to any of them.
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