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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that ...Luis Races towards the tree .
He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Eees a Ham Bush.
Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with 2 huge bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks: "What's in the bags?"
"Senior, It's only sand." replies Jose.
"Sand??? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analysed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand.
Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border.
Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?"
"Sand," says Jose.
A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border.
For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For a year it's driven me crazy. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?"
Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies: "Bicycles..."
"Senior, It's only sand." replies Jose.
"Sand??? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analysed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand.
Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border.
Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?"
"Sand," says Jose.
A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border.
For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For a year it's driven me crazy. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?"
Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies: "Bicycles..."
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
IF MY WIFE'S BODY WERE A CAR
She spends 4 hours a day in the garage having touch up's.
She gets a full valet every morning
She runs Catsrol R and smokes a lot
She is a convertible as there's just empty space up top
She is very sporting but the ride is uncomfortable and not built for long journeys
She has ecu problems and changes maps frequently and for no reason / without warning
She always starts but its stopping her that is the problem
She always requires constant servicing but still leaks every month
Everyone wants to drive her but no one wants the maintenence
Recently she want to become a Car Transporter
She spends 4 hours a day in the garage having touch up's.
She gets a full valet every morning
She runs Catsrol R and smokes a lot
She is a convertible as there's just empty space up top
She is very sporting but the ride is uncomfortable and not built for long journeys
She has ecu problems and changes maps frequently and for no reason / without warning
She always starts but its stopping her that is the problem
She always requires constant servicing but still leaks every month
Everyone wants to drive her but no one wants the maintenence
Recently she want to become a Car Transporter
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