Just broke up with girlfriend. Why do I feel crap?
Discussion
Hi all.
I have just broken up with my girlfriend after 6 years together.
The strange thing is, that we haven't had a row, been sleeping around or done anything to really upset each other.
We have just had a really nice day out in London in which we had a nice meal, went shopping and went to a show.
We had a discussion about our relationship, and my GF said that she felt it unfair to put me through a life of being with someone with three teenage children, a low paid job and a mortgage. She thinks she is tying me down.
I told her that I am happy in the relationship and that I always knew of her situation before we met.
I have tried my best to assure that I am happy and want to make it work, but she seems adamant that she wants us to finish, but remain friends.
Before anyone asks, neither of us have ever cheated and neither have another partner lined up.
I am a fairly hard bloke, but I really feel upset about this and powerless to save the relationship.
What do you men of the world (or indeed ladies of the world) advise?
I have just broken up with my girlfriend after 6 years together.
The strange thing is, that we haven't had a row, been sleeping around or done anything to really upset each other.
We have just had a really nice day out in London in which we had a nice meal, went shopping and went to a show.
We had a discussion about our relationship, and my GF said that she felt it unfair to put me through a life of being with someone with three teenage children, a low paid job and a mortgage. She thinks she is tying me down.
I told her that I am happy in the relationship and that I always knew of her situation before we met.
I have tried my best to assure that I am happy and want to make it work, but she seems adamant that she wants us to finish, but remain friends.
Before anyone asks, neither of us have ever cheated and neither have another partner lined up.
I am a fairly hard bloke, but I really feel upset about this and powerless to save the relationship.
What do you men of the world (or indeed ladies of the world) advise?
I know the hardened w
rs on here will be along shortly to tell you to 'grow a pair' or 'you don't need a woman to be happy' or the infamous 'snakes with tits' lines.
However, I've been in exactly the same position as you, with exactly the same lines given to me too.
The only thing I can suggest is that you give her some space to be on her own for a little while. She's said she still wants to be friends, which means you will possibly have communication of some sort. But I'd not do for a few days, maybe a week or two and then see how she's doing. You may find that she contacts you later today or tomorrow to talk to you.
If she does love you, she'll miss you and want to communicate. And if you love her, then don't give up on her, be there for her however you can (I should think you've let her know that you will be already?) and if you really want to be with her, then she's worth trying to get back.
I await the jaded people's opinions with glee...
Chin up chap
rs on here will be along shortly to tell you to 'grow a pair' or 'you don't need a woman to be happy' or the infamous 'snakes with tits' lines.However, I've been in exactly the same position as you, with exactly the same lines given to me too.
The only thing I can suggest is that you give her some space to be on her own for a little while. She's said she still wants to be friends, which means you will possibly have communication of some sort. But I'd not do for a few days, maybe a week or two and then see how she's doing. You may find that she contacts you later today or tomorrow to talk to you.
If she does love you, she'll miss you and want to communicate. And if you love her, then don't give up on her, be there for her however you can (I should think you've let her know that you will be already?) and if you really want to be with her, then she's worth trying to get back.
I await the jaded people's opinions with glee...
Chin up chap
Women are funny creatures.
I've been in the same position with my girl. We split up after 3 years.
We kept in contact about once a week by txt messages, but didn't crowd each other.
We then met up after about 9 weeks and decided to give it another go. So far so good.
Sounds to me, like you both need a bit of space.
If you love each other, there is a great chance that you will get back together.
Good luck mate.
I've been in the same position with my girl. We split up after 3 years.
We kept in contact about once a week by txt messages, but didn't crowd each other.
We then met up after about 9 weeks and decided to give it another go. So far so good.
Sounds to me, like you both need a bit of space.
If you love each other, there is a great chance that you will get back together.
Good luck mate.
How old are you? You say she has 3 teenage kids, so if you're in your late thirties or older then it's probably not relevant, but if you're in your mid twenties, then maybe her kids are starting to find it a bit weird as everyone grows up, and she doesn't want to tell you outright?
Also, are you certain she is being truthful with you? How often is the old cliché of "it's not you, it's me" actually true? Could she have found someone else? Might she just be bored? Alternatively, might she actually want more commitment - such as marriage - but not feel able to ask that of you given the circumstances?
If you've been together 6 years and have seemingly been very happy together, then for her to suddenly make this decision now means that either there's something she's not telling you, or there's something you're not telling us. Whatever the case, we don't have the full picture here...
Also, are you certain she is being truthful with you? How often is the old cliché of "it's not you, it's me" actually true? Could she have found someone else? Might she just be bored? Alternatively, might she actually want more commitment - such as marriage - but not feel able to ask that of you given the circumstances?
If you've been together 6 years and have seemingly been very happy together, then for her to suddenly make this decision now means that either there's something she's not telling you, or there's something you're not telling us. Whatever the case, we don't have the full picture here...
Kermit power said:
How old are you? You say she has 3 teenage kids, so if you're in your late thirties or older then it's probably not relevant, but if you're in your mid twenties, then maybe her kids are starting to find it a bit weird as everyone grows up, and she doesn't want to tell you outright?
Also, are you certain she is being truthful with you? How often is the old cliché of "it's not you, it's me" actually true? Could she have found someone else? Might she just be bored? Alternatively, might she actually want more commitment - such as marriage - but not feel able to ask that of you given the circumstances?
If you've been together 6 years and have seemingly been very happy together, then for her to suddenly make this decision now means that either there's something she's not telling you, or there's something you're not telling us. Whatever the case, we don't have the full picture here...
Thanks for the reply.Also, are you certain she is being truthful with you? How often is the old cliché of "it's not you, it's me" actually true? Could she have found someone else? Might she just be bored? Alternatively, might she actually want more commitment - such as marriage - but not feel able to ask that of you given the circumstances?
If you've been together 6 years and have seemingly been very happy together, then for her to suddenly make this decision now means that either there's something she's not telling you, or there's something you're not telling us. Whatever the case, we don't have the full picture here...
I am 44. She is 42.
I have told her numerous times that I would marry her whenever she wants.
I know her very closest friends very well. They have assured me that she has not got another man or even thought about it. They say that she is depressed and does not have the time to devote to a full on relationship.
If this is genuinely the case, I am respecting her wishes and leaving her alone.
Rabid-Dog said:
Kermit power said:
How old are you? You say she has 3 teenage kids, so if you're in your late thirties or older then it's probably not relevant, but if you're in your mid twenties, then maybe her kids are starting to find it a bit weird as everyone grows up, and she doesn't want to tell you outright?
Also, are you certain she is being truthful with you? How often is the old cliché of "it's not you, it's me" actually true? Could she have found someone else? Might she just be bored? Alternatively, might she actually want more commitment - such as marriage - but not feel able to ask that of you given the circumstances?
If you've been together 6 years and have seemingly been very happy together, then for her to suddenly make this decision now means that either there's something she's not telling you, or there's something you're not telling us. Whatever the case, we don't have the full picture here...
If this is genuinely the case, I am respecting her wishes and leaving her alone.Also, are you certain she is being truthful with you? How often is the old cliché of "it's not you, it's me" actually true? Could she have found someone else? Might she just be bored? Alternatively, might she actually want more commitment - such as marriage - but not feel able to ask that of you given the circumstances?
If you've been together 6 years and have seemingly been very happy together, then for her to suddenly make this decision now means that either there's something she's not telling you, or there's something you're not telling us. Whatever the case, we don't have the full picture here...
It might be that she feels stiffled in the relationship and wants to go off and have some fun; if so, let her. And I very strongly suggest you go and do the same.
I went out with a lovely lady with 3 children (I was 43, she was 39 ad the kids were 9, 11 and 16) and the same thing happened. Admitedly we'd only been seeing each other for a year or so but she also needed time to establish herself with work, life etc after a really messy divorce. Just give her time and what is meant to be will. If she feels she does not have time for a relationship then pressure will not help. Show her you care by allowing her space!!
Doesn't matter how hard you are, it's goign to hurt. I made a decision to break up with a long term (read longer than six years) girlfriend some years ago. Even though I knew it was the right decision it hurt and sometimes it still does basically because you shared thoughts and dreams with that person that will never come to be. It's sad. BUT what's not sad is the wonderful wife I have now and the lovely daughter that lights up my whole life.
Life moves on. You have to take take some time for yourself. Don't jump into anything new. Find your feet.
Also remember that a good chunk of what you are missing or are sad about may well be the loss of a very good friend.
The kids confuse matters. It's very sad that you're going to have to take a back seat after I would imagine helping her bring them up?
Life moves on. You have to take take some time for yourself. Don't jump into anything new. Find your feet.
Also remember that a good chunk of what you are missing or are sad about may well be the loss of a very good friend.
The kids confuse matters. It's very sad that you're going to have to take a back seat after I would imagine helping her bring them up?
I've not been in this position so can't comment from a direct point of view but I am sorry it's happened.
It's always difficult when there are kids involved (it tends to turn you blonde when it comes to decisions! I know I've got a toddler and sometimes when I'm around him I'm incapable of making reasoned decisions!).
Sometimes someone genuinely thinks the other party will be better off without them and once they've made up their mind nothing's going to change it.
What I wouldn't suggest you do is go out and starting trying to shag everything that moves (or doesn't move in fact!). It wont make you happy and if your other half finds out will definitely make her feel that she made the right decision in ending it.
I'd give her a modicum of space (1 day.) then I'd start making sure she knows you're there to support her by doing stuff for her, anticipating what she might need (or the kids need more important) and generally showing her that a) you're man enough to calmly accept her decision, b) man enough not to actually accept her decision is final and c) you're man enough to know what's best for her despite what she says.
And I don't have to tell you this but am going to say it anyway - don't try and shag her at the first possible moment. In fact I'd hold off even if she makes an advance and tell her that your relationship is more important than that - that'll really make her sit up and think.
Good luck big guy - you seem like a genuinely decent bloke. Don't forget that actually; there aren't that many of them around.....
It's always difficult when there are kids involved (it tends to turn you blonde when it comes to decisions! I know I've got a toddler and sometimes when I'm around him I'm incapable of making reasoned decisions!).
Sometimes someone genuinely thinks the other party will be better off without them and once they've made up their mind nothing's going to change it.
What I wouldn't suggest you do is go out and starting trying to shag everything that moves (or doesn't move in fact!). It wont make you happy and if your other half finds out will definitely make her feel that she made the right decision in ending it.
I'd give her a modicum of space (1 day.) then I'd start making sure she knows you're there to support her by doing stuff for her, anticipating what she might need (or the kids need more important) and generally showing her that a) you're man enough to calmly accept her decision, b) man enough not to actually accept her decision is final and c) you're man enough to know what's best for her despite what she says.
And I don't have to tell you this but am going to say it anyway - don't try and shag her at the first possible moment. In fact I'd hold off even if she makes an advance and tell her that your relationship is more important than that - that'll really make her sit up and think.
Good luck big guy - you seem like a genuinely decent bloke. Don't forget that actually; there aren't that many of them around.....
Jasandjules said:
Ok, she's saying she doesn't want to put you through the mill..
But you want to stay there anyway? So go and tell her you've thought about all that she's said and you are happy to have the kids and mortgage etc.. because you want her, so whatever "baggage" she comes with is fine?!?!?
"Everyone has baggage, some some people are happy to help carry it". But you want to stay there anyway? So go and tell her you've thought about all that she's said and you are happy to have the kids and mortgage etc.. because you want her, so whatever "baggage" she comes with is fine?!?!?
There are two posibilities-
1) She has a self esteem problem hence her comments.
2) She's trying to find a way out that doesn't make her feel bad about it and has made up this story as a way of doing this.
After six years you will feel bad about this for a while. It's only natural.
Perhaps a further chat about your future might get to the bottom of things or she might just forget about it by next week.
1) She has a self esteem problem hence her comments.
2) She's trying to find a way out that doesn't make her feel bad about it and has made up this story as a way of doing this.
After six years you will feel bad about this for a while. It's only natural.
Perhaps a further chat about your future might get to the bottom of things or she might just forget about it by next week.
She's being polite about wanting to finish things.
Don't make her not be polite. That isn't good (been there!).
Be apart for a while and see if she gets in touch. I'd strongly advise NOT throwing yourself into a life of debauchery (1) you probably don't want to and (2) that would make it harder to start seeing one another again in two months time if that's how it is going to turn out.
If she finds someone else - MOVE ON. If she doesn't and gets back in touch have a serious discussion about moving your relationship to the next level and how this cannot happen again. Off/On/Off/On relationships are utterly st to be in - don't do that to yourself or her.
Hope it turns out OK for you, mate. Realistically speaking - usually it doesn't. This doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a go, though.
Don't make her not be polite. That isn't good (been there!).
Be apart for a while and see if she gets in touch. I'd strongly advise NOT throwing yourself into a life of debauchery (1) you probably don't want to and (2) that would make it harder to start seeing one another again in two months time if that's how it is going to turn out.
If she finds someone else - MOVE ON. If she doesn't and gets back in touch have a serious discussion about moving your relationship to the next level and how this cannot happen again. Off/On/Off/On relationships are utterly s
t to be in - don't do that to yourself or her.Hope it turns out OK for you, mate. Realistically speaking - usually it doesn't. This doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a go, though.
I'd say she is insecure and unavailable for commitment.
I've been in this situation and from my point of view, it won't work. I was with somebody for three years. She had a kid, basically told me the same as she's telling you.
You need to accept what she's saying and move on.
It is hard to do but better than being with somebody who can't be with you for whatever reason.
I've been in this situation and from my point of view, it won't work. I was with somebody for three years. She had a kid, basically told me the same as she's telling you.
You need to accept what she's saying and move on.
It is hard to do but better than being with somebody who can't be with you for whatever reason.
Edited by lazyitus on Monday 21st April 08:46
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