Being called 'Defensive'

[Fiddlemesticks]

At work and in relationships a few people i know have been called 'Defensive'.

I've heard them be criticised and have responded with their disagreement to the comments made, and in return the boss, or other family member, has said 'stop being defensive'.

Now this person i work with who gets it a bit has told me it really annoys them, but i can see both their bosses point (the one i witnessed) as well as their reasons for disagreeing.

It got me thinking about how does someone not come across as defensive if they disagree with the comments made. It seems a very easy way for the accuser to not elaborate on their points, or in return not accept the 'defensive' persons reasoning back.

Any thoughts on this?

[Sciroccology]

I'm with you - it does seem to be a bit of a cop-out by the accuser.

Who wouldn't be defensive faced with criticism they believe to be unjust or unwarranted?

Natural behaviour, as far as I'm concerned.

[speedy_thrills]

Fiddlemesticks said:

Any thoughts on this?

Try this and see if it works:

• Don't make the argument personal, always subjective.
• Take away the notion of a "Hollier than thou" approach with a slight joke about your own argument. e.g. I dont view investing as buying shares but instead owning a part of a real, dynamic business and as long as you make sure that business is doing well will make money which will eventually be reflected in the shareprice making me money...Assuming I havent been incompetant and overpaid for the privelage of owning those shares in the first place .
• Be dispassionate, present your view as the logical one.
• Listen (or at least pretend to ) and make them feel like you have already incorperated their perspective into your argument but still formed your view.

[hman]

Indeed,

I find that saying "i hear what you say- but- ..........(insert logical retort on dotted line)" disarms the defensive call from the complainant.

I also find that rather than saying - "no I disagree" saying "thats interesting"- followed by your own thoughts on the matter generally gets you out of a escalating argument.

I think its to do with indicating that you have listened to their point and understand it but that you have a different point of view.

A basic understanding of Stephen Coveys principles would help. - google is your friend for that.

[turbobloke]

Or try a third party approach - it's often possible to think of a category of colleague / client / stakeholder that would disagree with what you've just heard, you can then reply with something like "what would you say to the (insert third party) who thinks your position is utter b0ll0x?". Obviously you'd word the objection more logically, if you really had to

[Swilly]

Fiddlemesticks said:

At work and in relationships a few people i know have been called 'Defensive'.

I've heard them be criticised and have responded with their disagreement to the comments made, and in return the boss, or other family member, has said 'stop being defensive'.

Now this person i work with who gets it a bit has told me it really annoys them, but i can see both their bosses point (the one i witnessed) as well as their reasons for disagreeing.

It got me thinking about how does someone not come across as defensive if they disagree with the comments made. It seems a very easy way for the accuser to not elaborate on their points, or in return not accept the 'defensive' persons reasoning back.

Any thoughts on this?

Another person's views, opinions or perceptions of you are their own.

If that person's views, opinions or perceptions of me tend not to be what i believe, then so be it.
I dont need to 'defend' my position against them, as they are their own thoughts.

...unless of course their point is extreme or it would be damaging to not respond.

[spikeyhead]

The last person that called me defensive got a punch on the nose.

[V8mate]

Fiddlemesticks said:

At work and in relationships quite a few people have said that I am always very 'Defensive'.

EFA

Seriously though, it's usually not used to describe someone 'because' they seek a right of reply, it's attributed to 'the way' that reply is pitched and received.

[Gylen]

hman said:

Indeed,

I find that saying "i hear what you say- but- ..........(insert logical retort on dotted line)" disarms the defensive call from the complainant.

I also find that rather than saying - "no I disagree" saying "thats interesting"- followed by your own thoughts on the matter generally gets you out of a escalating argument.

Are you serious??

You sound like a classic corporate climber with that approach - I'd probably hit someone who said 'I hear what you're saying but...' and then went on to totally disagree with me.

FFS, why does nobody have the nuts to say, 'You're talking ste' anymore? I prefer people being straight and calling it like they see it.

[V8mate]

Gylen said:

hman said:

Indeed,

I find that saying "i hear what you say- but- ..........(insert logical retort on dotted line)" disarms the defensive call from the complainant.

I also find that rather than saying - "no I disagree" saying "thats interesting"- followed by your own thoughts on the matter generally gets you out of a escalating argument.

Are you serious??

You sound like a classic corporate climber with that approach - I'd probably hit someone who said 'I hear what you're saying but...' and then went on to totally disagree with me.

FFS, why does nobody have the nuts to say, 'You're talking ste' anymore? I prefer people being straight and calling it like they see it.

I've only ever heard "I hear what you're saying..." from people who are in no way listening but have been on the training course which teaches them to say "I hear what you're saying..."

[speedy_thrills]

Gylen said:

FFS, why does nobody have the nuts to say, 'You're talking ste' anymore? I prefer people being straight and calling it like they see it.

You are clearly as daft as a box of frogs, now bugger off.

Happy to oblige .

[Justayellowbadge]

V8mate said:

Gylen said:

hman said:

Indeed,

I find that saying "i hear what you say- but- ..........(insert logical retort on dotted line)" disarms the defensive call from the complainant.

I also find that rather than saying - "no I disagree" saying "thats interesting"- followed by your own thoughts on the matter generally gets you out of a escalating argument.

Are you serious??

You sound like a classic corporate climber with that approach - I'd probably hit someone who said 'I hear what you're saying but...' and then went on to totally disagree with me.

FFS, why does nobody have the nuts to say, 'You're talking ste' anymore? I prefer people being straight and calling it like they see it.

I've only ever heard "I hear what you're saying..." from people who are in no way listening but have been on the training course which teaches them to say "I hear what you're saying..."

I hear what you're saying.

[speedy_thrills]

Justayellowbadge said:

I hear what you're saying.

So you too are "gifted" with the ability to read?

[Gylen]

speedy_thrills said:

Gylen said:

FFS, why does nobody have the nuts to say, 'You're talking ste' anymore? I prefer people being straight and calling it like they see it.

You are clearly as daft as a box of frogs, now bugger off.

Happy to oblige .

I hear what you're saying but...

[Justayellowbadge]

speedy_thrills said:

Justayellowbadge said:

I hear what you're saying.

So you too are "gifted" with the ability to read?

Oh, very 'gifted', me.

Daddy says I'm his special boy, and I shouldn't worry becauses shoelaces are very hard for everybody.

[speedy_thrills]

Justayellowbadge said:

speedy_thrills said:

Justayellowbadge said:

I hear what you're saying.

So you too are "gifted" with the ability to read?

Oh, very 'gifted', me.

Daddy says I'm his special boy, and I shouldn't worry becauses shoelaces are very hard for everybody.

And they say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit...

[drivin_me_nuts]

Gylen said:

hman said:

Indeed,

I find that saying "i hear what you say- but- ..........(insert logical retort on dotted line)" disarms the defensive call from the complainant.

I also find that rather than saying - "no I disagree" saying "thats interesting"- followed by your own thoughts on the matter generally gets you out of a escalating argument.

Are you serious??

You sound like a classic corporate climber with that approach - I'd probably hit someone who said 'I hear what you're saying but...' and then went on to totally disagree with me.

FFS, why does nobody have the nuts to say, 'You're talking ste' anymore? I prefer people being straight and calling it like they see it.

True, how true. Your comments have been noted and I respect fully what you say. Your opinion is valuable and I respect it highly as it offers me the opportunity to improve my performance and I appreciate the time you have taken out of your busy day to reply. Now toddle off back to the soap adds, focus groups and team buulding activities. HTH and all that jazz.

[speedy_thrills]

Gylen said:

speedy_thrills said:

Gylen said:

FFS, why does nobody have the nuts to say, 'You're talking ste' anymore? I prefer people being straight and calling it like they see it.

You are clearly as daft as a box of frogs, now bugger off.

Happy to oblige .

I hear what you're saying but...

...you somehow thought your opinion might be of value or did you just want to see if I could torture someone to death with just office implements, hide the body above the pinex roof tiles and catch a flight to south America before anyone noticed you where gone? I quite fancy my chances actually .

[Gylen]

speedy_thrills said:

Gylen said:

speedy_thrills said:

Gylen said:

FFS, why does nobody have the nuts to say, 'You're talking ste' anymore? I prefer people being straight and calling it like they see it.

You are clearly as daft as a box of frogs, now bugger off.

Happy to oblige .

I hear what you're saying but...

...you somehow thought your opinion might be of value or did you just want to see if I could torture someone to death with just office implements, hide the body above the pinex roof tiles and catch a flight to south America before anyone noticed you where gone? I quite fancy my chances actually .

said:

ok, if you could just car park that idea for now, we can re-find the golden thread of continuity and stir fry some ideas in my think wok

[shadowninja]

Would they prefer someone to be offensive.

"Peter, I'm not happy with your report..."
"Well, you're crap at your job, too, just sitting in your office all day drinking coffee and on the phone to your fatty fatty fat fat wife but do you hear me complaining?"

Edited by shadowninja on Wednesday 13th August 10:21