How to discuss ones future with the OH... Female help needed
Discussion
With the state of the UK financial situation and IT in general I have started looking outside the UK for jobs, a couple of contracts have come up along with 2 other ones that I am qualified (slightly over) for and im considering, unfortunately they are both permanent jobs, one in Amsterdam and one in Singapore.
Thats were the issues start, the OH is still tied to London til next September and if I get accepted could be going as early as December.
I have been with my OH for over 18 months and it is a great relationship, but being a girl from the cold country (think nordic) she is a bit lacking when it comes to talking emotions and future of us... she likes to avoid the subject cause she doesnt know what she wants out of life, career wise or where she will be next September (she suspects its not the UK), her studies are all SE Asia based (languages, environmental studies and other tree hugging things) so I think that she will probably do SE Asia anyway.
She has already said i should go for it and told me that she doesnt know what she should do (other than stay until next september, that is a given), as she might not find a job in SE Asia, might not do this, might go back to the nordic region, blah, blah... Typical worrier of everything type of issues as per usual with her.
I have told her to think about it in more detail, where she thinks we are going, what she wants to do, if i should go out there with a look for her to follow in a year, if i should forget the job and stay more local.... Basically the standard 'you have to tell me what goes on in that mind of yours' type of questions.
So from the female PHer perspective, what kind of things should i discuss with her, as i do love her and it is returned (just never said due to her hiding emotions) and I dont want to lose her, I know she will turn around and tell me to go for it (even if she really doesnt want me to) as she doesnt want to stop me career wise, I need to get through this hiding of feelings and need your help in doing so, so its over to you.
BTW everyone else can just tell me to dump her and go try out the locals in Singapore.... I know that will be one of the suggestions that will come up.
Flame away people!!
Thats were the issues start, the OH is still tied to London til next September and if I get accepted could be going as early as December.
I have been with my OH for over 18 months and it is a great relationship, but being a girl from the cold country (think nordic) she is a bit lacking when it comes to talking emotions and future of us... she likes to avoid the subject cause she doesnt know what she wants out of life, career wise or where she will be next September (she suspects its not the UK), her studies are all SE Asia based (languages, environmental studies and other tree hugging things) so I think that she will probably do SE Asia anyway.
She has already said i should go for it and told me that she doesnt know what she should do (other than stay until next september, that is a given), as she might not find a job in SE Asia, might not do this, might go back to the nordic region, blah, blah... Typical worrier of everything type of issues as per usual with her.
I have told her to think about it in more detail, where she thinks we are going, what she wants to do, if i should go out there with a look for her to follow in a year, if i should forget the job and stay more local.... Basically the standard 'you have to tell me what goes on in that mind of yours' type of questions.
So from the female PHer perspective, what kind of things should i discuss with her, as i do love her and it is returned (just never said due to her hiding emotions) and I dont want to lose her, I know she will turn around and tell me to go for it (even if she really doesnt want me to) as she doesnt want to stop me career wise, I need to get through this hiding of feelings and need your help in doing so, so its over to you.
BTW everyone else can just tell me to dump her and go try out the locals in Singapore.... I know that will be one of the suggestions that will come up.
Flame away people!!
am not female but am going through something similar and my OH is also tied to london.
reads like you have discussed it with her and she says to see what happens. this is exactly my OH's perspective. she won't deal with 'what if's and will only see how she feels about it when i am actually putting the wheels in motion. she might come with me, we could carry on long distance, or we'll split up.
its the only way to approach it imo. i have an agenda in that i have been angling to move abroad for the last couple of years and want experience something different before i get too old/settled. she has an agenda in that her career will move much faster in london and she has some attractive job options in front of her.
you want one thing, your OH may well want another. you won't find out which pull is strongest until you have a job offer and an expected leaving date.
hope it works out
reads like you have discussed it with her and she says to see what happens. this is exactly my OH's perspective. she won't deal with 'what if's and will only see how she feels about it when i am actually putting the wheels in motion. she might come with me, we could carry on long distance, or we'll split up.
its the only way to approach it imo. i have an agenda in that i have been angling to move abroad for the last couple of years and want experience something different before i get too old/settled. she has an agenda in that her career will move much faster in london and she has some attractive job options in front of her.
you want one thing, your OH may well want another. you won't find out which pull is strongest until you have a job offer and an expected leaving date.
hope it works out
Let her make up her own mind or you 2 will fall out in Asia she will go back to Nordicland and you will be left with a computer in Singapore.
The UK is not that bad and lots of people will be taken down a peg or two so just sit back and ride the storm like the rest of us.
Although I am not a female so ignore me.
The UK is not that bad and lots of people will be taken down a peg or two so just sit back and ride the storm like the rest of us.
Although I am not a female so ignore me.
shirt said:
am not female but am going through something similar and my OH is also tied to london.
reads like you have discussed it with her and she says to see what happens. this is exactly my OH's perspective. she won't deal with 'what if's and will only see how she feels about it when i am actually putting the wheels in motion. she might come with me, we could carry on long distance, or we'll split up.
its the only way to approach it imo. i have an agenda in that i have been angling to move abroad for the last couple of years and want experience something different before i get too old/settled. she has an agenda in that her career will move much faster in london and she has some attractive job options in front of her.
you want one thing, your OH may well want another. you won't find out which pull is strongest until you have a job offer and an expected leaving date.
hope it works out
Mine is only tied for the Masters Degree she is doing, last year she was thinking of going SE Asia to work afterwards, then it was Finland, now its London, next week I expect it will be venus...reads like you have discussed it with her and she says to see what happens. this is exactly my OH's perspective. she won't deal with 'what if's and will only see how she feels about it when i am actually putting the wheels in motion. she might come with me, we could carry on long distance, or we'll split up.
its the only way to approach it imo. i have an agenda in that i have been angling to move abroad for the last couple of years and want experience something different before i get too old/settled. she has an agenda in that her career will move much faster in london and she has some attractive job options in front of her.
you want one thing, your OH may well want another. you won't find out which pull is strongest until you have a job offer and an expected leaving date.
hope it works out
She has no other ties other than the degree... I suspect her issue is that I have been forced into asking this, as the companies will not put my CV forward until im certain I can go and I really dont want to mess them around by going through several stages of the process, only for the OH to finally decide that I should in fact stay with her...
crofty1984 said:
Go to amsterdam. Singa's meant to be really harsh on car ownership. Also you are closer to home so it's easier to see your OH if the hookers anren't doing it for you.
The thing is i think she will do SE Asia next year anyway (her studies are all relevant and she studied out there) and I would be pissed if I try and stay local and then she decides to up and move next September.The Amsterdam job is a trainee job (55k Euros) so start at the bottom again.
Singapore job is more a senior job (150k S$) and has good prospects
Timmy35 said:
Not going well so far is it this thread. 
But from what I've learnt this week on PH.....so long as she 'baby wipes' her front bum and sticks a shower hose up her back bum every morning, she's a keeper regardless.
Shouldnt you have buggered off to Sing by now?But from what I've learnt this week on PH.....so long as she 'baby wipes' her front bum and sticks a shower hose up her back bum every morning, she's a keeper regardless.
Edited by Timmy35 on Wednesday 22 October 12:39
Dupont666 said:
crofty1984 said:
Go to amsterdam. Singa's meant to be really harsh on car ownership. Also you are closer to home so it's easier to see your OH if the hookers anren't doing it for you.
The thing is i think she will do SE Asia next year anyway (her studies are all relevant and she studied out there) and I would be pissed if I try and stay local and then she decides to up and move next September.The Amsterdam job is a trainee job (55k Euros) so start at the bottom again.
Singapore job is more a senior job (150k S$) and has good prospects
If she wont stick by you, then it must be that you got out easily no?
Dupont666 said:
crofty1984 said:
Go to amsterdam. Singa's meant to be really harsh on car ownership. Also you are closer to home so it's easier to see your OH if the hookers anren't doing it for you.
The thing is i think she will do SE Asia next year anyway (her studies are all relevant and she studied out there) and I would be pissed if I try and stay local and then she decides to up and move next September.The Amsterdam job is a trainee job (55k Euros) so start at the bottom again.
Singapore job is more a senior job (150k S$) and has good prospects
k it, I'll take the amsterdam Job, what field are you in? (Knoew I shouldn't have been an engineer..."...she doesnt know what she wants out of life, career wise or where she will be next September..."
"I have told her to think about it in more detail, where she thinks we are going, what she wants to do....."
If it were me (and maybe I am also a cold Nordic type of girl) I would be in a very difficult position, being asked to influence your career choices and pressured into making clear choices about my future when I really do not know at the moment where I want my career to go.
If you genuinely want a female opinion:
Decide what you want to do, tell her your reasons and then see where the relationship goes from there.
"I have told her to think about it in more detail, where she thinks we are going, what she wants to do....."
If it were me (and maybe I am also a cold Nordic type of girl) I would be in a very difficult position, being asked to influence your career choices and pressured into making clear choices about my future when I really do not know at the moment where I want my career to go.
If you genuinely want a female opinion:
Decide what you want to do, tell her your reasons and then see where the relationship goes from there.
do what you want to do for yourself....tell her what you want to do for yourself...then let her talk about the relationship once she has assessed the situation from her view.
you need to first make up your mind...stick it in the uk..wait for her to move on and then feel like crap.. or make your move, build a career and see if the girl tags along to share the happiness.
you need to first make up your mind...stick it in the uk..wait for her to move on and then feel like crap.. or make your move, build a career and see if the girl tags along to share the happiness.
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