Long lost daughter turns up.....

[Cara Van Man]

God, where do I start?

Last night my daughter who I basically haven't had contact with since she was 6 months old (apart from through the CSA ) contacted me through facebook.

I'm totally stunned.

My wife has always said it will happen one day, but I was never prepared for it and always told myself "I don't care either way".

Basically her mother is a total bh that made my life hell when I was in my early 20's and it was impossible to have any sort of relationship with my daughter so I made the brave/cowardly decision to break ties and start a new life.

I did. I moved away. I got drunk. I did what I needed to do to move on.

I remarried, I moved on, I pushed it to the back of my mind.

I've now got 3 kids with my wife and it seems like my family is now going to be thrown into chaos.

I owe it to my 5 year old daughter to let her know she has a 15 year old sister who wants to meet us.

fk.

I haven't slept a wink all night.

I'm a mess.

I feel guilty for not being there for her. I feel angry that the life I left behind is now intruding on my present life.

My wife is being great about it and really supportive, saying she is welcome to come and stay but must abide by our rules.

The girl seems really keen to come and stay over xmas, but I'm crapping myself that it'll turn into some sort of cluster fk.

fk.

Thoughts?

Kind or otherwise.

I just need something to take my mind off it for a while.

Fill ya' boots.

[lazyitus]

Cara Van Man said:

I just need something to take my mind off it for a while.

Just rig the PS2 up for an hour or so. That'll keep your mind occupied.

[Mark.H]

Block her

[Zod]

She wants money?

[Cara Van Man]

lazyitus said:

Cara Van Man said:

I just need something to take my mind off it for a while.

Just rig the PS2 up for an hour or so. That'll keep your mind occupied.

PS2?

WTF?

I'm not living in the 90's you know

I'm a PS3 man.

[Neil_H]

Maybe I've missed the point, but why are you worried? Invite her round, spoil her and make her see that her Dad isn't so bad after all.

[Cara Van Man]

Mark.H said:

Block her

too late. we've talked.

[Davi]

Remember seeing you mention this daughter only very recently too!

fked if I can give any advice worth taking, but good luck with it whatever way.

Only thing I'd suggest is neutral grounds for the first few meetings (something I heard from a friend a long time ago)

[thinfourth2]

Was she in the cellar?

[TIGA84]

Erm......

Do what you think is right, I'm pretty sure there isnt any more constructive advice I could think of.

I would say dont worry about things until they happen, otherwise you'll be a bit of a mess trying to work out every scenario.

Best of British and all that.......

[Eddh]

I would say meet her, she clearly wants to know who her father is and might want some sort of relationship with you so go for it

Unless she is after money they just kick her in the face and tell her where to go.

[james_tigerwoods]

I think you might need to meet a few times before any kind of overnight stay - meet her somewhere neutral, public and safe (for you both) and take it from there. Make sure you talk about the reasons why it all happened and make sure you listen to what she's been told and that you get your point across too.

Christmas, although a potentially fun time might not be the best time as Christmas isn't as "together" a time as we'd all love it to be - is it?

Hope it all works out for you

JTW

[Roop]

First off, I can't imagine what it must be like to be in your position at the moment. Talk about a surprise...! Looking at it logically rather than emotionally (if that's possible), you still have your current life albeit with a potential 'addition' in the shape of your LLD that you can effectively control to what extent she becomes incorporated into your life.

Clearly, don't just invite her round on Xmas day, but find some neutral ground (pub or something half way between your locations) plenty in advance (ie: ASAP) where you can meet for an hour or two to test the water.

You'll know within a few minutes if it's a go-er or not. If she's sound, then make the first step to meet up again, if she's like her mother find some way of wangling out of seeing her again...

Not a great help I don't expect but at least it's another perspective if nothing else...

Edited by Roop on Tuesday 4th November 09:38

[lazyitus]

Cara Van Man said:

lazyitus said:

Cara Van Man said:

I just need something to take my mind off it for a while.

Just rig the PS2 up for an hour or so. That'll keep your mind occupied.

PS2?

WTF?

I'm not living in the 90's you know

I'm a PS3 man.

That's what I meant

Seriously - Strange one this, Pee. I'll bet you're a mixed bag of emotion. Excitement mixed with trepidation. Maybe the solution is to arrange a meeting after Christmas so as to guarantee that it won't spoil it for you, your wife and kids ?

Edited by lazyitus on Tuesday 4th November 09:37

[Cara Van Man]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

half of me is chuffed....but I've got my family now to worry about also. The effect it may have on us.

[staceyb]

I wouldn't let her come and stay as the first contact. That would seriously confuse your kids, especially if it all kicked off.

I would have thought a you and her situation in a neutral location would be better for the first few months.

[Puggit]

Tell the truth...

Tell her you loved her but were forced away. Tell her you want to rebuild bridges. Take it slowly - if you haven't rebuilt a relationship before xmas (and I doubt you will have), you're taking a huge risk in having her stay over for any period of time.

[_Batty_]

is she fit?
if so, pics

(er how old )

[Don]

Meet on neutral ground. Don't invite her to stay for days on end until you have met.

[Roop]

Puggit said:

Tell the truth...

Tell her you loved her but were forced away. Tell her you want to rebuild bridges. Take it slowly - if you haven't rebuilt a relationship before xmas (and I doubt you will have), you're taking a huge risk in having her stay over for any period of time.

+1