Question for the men of PH - stay at home dads?

[FastLaneGirl]

I have been thinking on this a while, and prompted to post by a comment on another thread. I'll post the questions first, so if you can't be ar$ed to read all my rambles about where this originated you can skip that bit!

• Are there any stay-at-home dads (SAHD) on here?
• If you are not one, but have or are thinking of having kids, would you consider being one (putting finances aside for a moment)?
• If you wouldn't want to, regardless of who earns what, why not?
• Is there an 'acceptable' compromise instead a full time stay-at-home parent of either gender?

Seeing as the PH demographic is largely male aged 20's - 40's, I thought this a good a place as any to ask!

OK, the boring ramble:

Deva's comment

Deva Link said:

I have to say that people's wives are working for next to nothing, or even are worse off after child-care costs, then what's the point - unless there's some long term career goal?

They can do far more good being at home with the kids while they're small and the whole house just runs so much better.

I am no raving lentilist feminist, but it struck me that there was an implicit assumption in here that the wife could stay home rather than spending a fortune in childcare. Why the wife? Why not dads? I understand that it is still viewed as the norm that women are the main caregivers for young children, and also that maternity leave exists for far longer than any comparable leave for fathers, but is it just a situation that society and working lives have engineered or are men, in the main, still unwilling to give up their careers and still assume a women would and should be prepared to if a couple want children?

In many situations the decision is financial, ie. whoever earns more stays at work full time, which makes sense. For others, lots of women want to be SAHMs and that is their choice. But I can't help feeling in a lot of cases it is not really a choice, more just what is expected.

The point, to answer Deva's rhetorical question, for me at least, is that to keep working is about fulfilment, confidence, enjoyment and progressing my career. I love what I do, I see lots of potential and I would go stark raving mad stuck at home with children (full respect to those who do this, I'm not denigrating SAHMs). My partner also has a great career, that I know he would be very unwilling to stall, and in our case right now he earns double what I do. If we choose to have children, there is an obvious answer, but I wouldn't want to take a career break, nor only return part time, as this would mean I miss out on the opportunities afforded to those who are able to be there full time.
But there seems little point having kids if neither of you get to see them! I also feel strongly that fathers have rights too - why should they be expected to breadwin and miss out on all the fun of their kids growing up?

I suppose I feel that the way the working world is structured doesn't afford much choice to parents, but the reason for my questions is that I'm curious about how many men would actually want to stay at home given a choice, or would be prepared to take a one or two year career break to do so in order to let their wife pursue her own choices too?

I recognise there is no ideal, and each family has to do whatever is right for them, but it still seems alien that men would be expected to give up work to look after their kids (and indeed most workplaces would not accommodate this). Do many men wish they could stay home or do we just follow the patterns we have inherited? (eg. OH's family very traditional with a SAHM, in my family my mum was the breadwinner & my dad left work to look after me).

Ramble over, over to you PH.....

[groucho]

I used to be a SAPD.

[Yugguy]

I'd be happy to, if the missus earnt enough, work is just a way of paying the bills. I think tho I'd not have the patience or stamina for completely full-time child care, so I reckon we'd have to have a day a week at nursery.

[rhinochopig]

I probably will be. I work largely from home, try to limit work related travel to a minimum, which does reduce the amount of work I can do. The plan would be that my o/h would drop to 4 days a week and I'd do the child care the rest. My wife earns a good salary, although if I were to do st loads of travel I'd probably earn more - but then I'd be an absent dad.

Doesn't bother me regarding the lack of career status or people thinking I'm a wuss etc - I lost that work related competitiveness a long time ago.

Does this help?

[MikeyT]

Alot of men have egos so big they wouldn't want to be 'reduced' to the role of carer for the kids ...

Seriously.

[dave_s13]

I'm 32 and we're having our first in March; I'm seriously thinking about dropping down to a 3day week sometime in the future.

I changed careers late on so only been working in my new field for a couple of years, my misses is senior management in a high school so earns more than 2x what I do, and I'm not on a bad wage per se.

Financially makes sense, the reality may be a different matter. Also, I have no issue with the SAHD thing but I would imagine some fellas might see it as being a not to manly past time?

[wildoliver]

The thought of being a house husband to an incredibly rich woman is just about my dream! Keep me in new 911s and I'll be happy!

[miniman]

FastLaneGirl said:

If you are not one, but have or are thinking of having kids, would you consider being one (putting finances aside for a moment)?

Absolutely, I would love to. But the reality is that very few people can put finances aside. Despite being colossally better qualified than I am, my wife will never earn close to what I do because the thing she is qualified to do is grossly underpaid.

Personally, and I am more than aware that this will be met with howls of derision from all directions, I think that if people can't afford for one of them to stop working permanently, they shouldn't have children at all.

[V8mate]

groucho said:

I used to be a SAPD.

Stays at prison Dad?

[oobster]

I'm probably going to be a stay at home dad shortly - I was made redundant recently and the Mrs is on 12 months maternity leave.

I had until Monday to find another job, and if I did the Mrs was going to stay at home to look after the wee nipper. Her boss needed to know by Monday if she was coming back to work so she is going back and i'm going to look after Neve during the day.

I'll probably need to find some sort of evening/weekend/backshift work too, which probably wont be the same work I was doing before I was made redundant.

[rinker]

I was going to be but now he is born she has told me i have to go back to work, GUTTED.

[FastLaneGirl]

Thanks for the replies so far, interesting reading (obviously Yugguy felt strongly enough to respond 4 times )

miniman said:

Absolutely, I would love to. But the reality is that very few people can put finances aside. Despite being colossally better qualified than I am, my wife will never earn close to what I do because the thing she is qualified to do is grossly underpaid.

Personally, and I am more than aware that this will be met with howls of derision from all directions, I think that if people can't afford for one of them to stop working permanently, they shouldn't have children at all.

Money is always going to be the issue, after all, if you have a family you need to provide for them. I do reckon sexism is rife for women of childbearing age who want to make a career though, and also guilt if they decide to try & combine career & family.
I won't deride you (yet ) but why do you feel one parent must be home permanently? Do you mean until the children grow up & leave home?! I see all sorts of family situations, and what strikes me as most important is the love and care parents have for their kids, whether they are home all the time or not. I certainly never suffered with 2 working parents and had a fantastic childhood & upbringing, my dad took early retirement when I was 9 as mum's career took off.
I know very little about sprogs, but aren't they in school/nursery from age 3 onwards anyway?

[gti tim]

V8mate said:

groucho said:

I used to be a SAPD.

Stays at prison Dad?

Stays at pub dad?

[V8mate]

gti tim said:

V8mate said:

groucho said:

I used to be a SAPD.

Stays at prison Dad?

Stays at pub dad?

Sad and p1ssed Dad?

[groucho]

V8mate said:

groucho said:

I used to be a SAPD.

Stays at prison Dad?

Close...pub.

[liner33]

I'm a SAHD, i gave up work 9 years ago , i was a service manager for a forklift truck dealership my wife was a program manager for a large US software company and earned about twice what i did at the time

We could have managed ok with her giving up work and me working but my career was going nowhere and i didnt really enjoy it as it was something i had fallen into i am a fleet/transport manager by trade

In the last 9 years her career has gone from strength to strength and she is now an IT director

My son has benefitted from me being at home, he excels at school and is confident and capable, studies have shown this is fairly usual for kids that have dads at home.

When my son goes to secondary school i will probably return to work , due to the extra hours he will be at school i should have no problem working and still being home when he returns

Its certainly worked for us

Downsides include pretty mindless coffee mornings with air headed middle class women and generally not being included in routine kids activities but i found ways to get around that

all in all its been a postive experience for us all but i know my wife does sometime feel guilty about how little time she gets to spend with our son

[miniman]

FastLaneGirl said:

I won't deride you (yet ) but why do you feel one parent must be home permanently? Do you mean until the children grow up & leave home?!

No not at all. I think it's important for both the child and the parent to have an environment where there is no pressure to return to work purely for the financials. Clearly many parents will want to return to work purely for the adult interaction. We have friends who have taken a mortgage holiday for the duration of her maternity leave, after which she **has** to return to work. Before she stopped working, she was fine with this, but now she is absolutely gutted that she will have to give up the chance to spend every day with her daughter. We are fortunate enough (or planned suitably, whichever you prefer) to be in a financial position where my wife needn't go back to work ever. She will, though, but it is still good to know that it will be at a point that is right for her and our daughter and there will be no pressure on her to do something that upsets her enourmously.

[Turbo5]

Our little boy is 14 months old now, When the wife's full pay maternity benefit run out after three months (the first month and half was prior to giving birth so we only had 1.5 months after the birth with full wages) she was then on the government statutory wage which is about £100 per week. Considering she is a higher tax bracket earner and having a complicated tax code due to company car and other benefits she was taking home about £240 per month. We had planned not to put the baby in nursery until he was 6 months old so we had to make a decision on who would stay at home with the baby. I could have took paternity leave if I wanted. My wife earns about £10K a year more than me so financially it would have made better sense for me to take the paternity than her. We considered it but the mother child bond is very important in the early years. If I am totally honest I have spent a few days at home alone with the baby when the wife went to the odd meeting or training course whilst she was off work, it was hell, I love the little lad but the first few months are so hard, Now its no problem he is really good fun, interactive and entertaining. Referring back to the OP's question I suppose I would have felt taking time off for paternity would have jeopardised my career yet with females I suppose its expected that you will take time off. Its harder staying at home with the baby than going to work. I really appreciated that my wife wanted to stay at home.

[Smart roadster]

My wife earns more than double my income so it was a no brainer. I have not stopped work but gone part time. Our Daughter is in my works nusery Mon - Weds I look after her Thursdays and my wife looks after her Friday. It would be cheaper for me to stay at work and pay for another day at nursery. I consider myself very lucky to be able to have this time with my daughter.

[HRG]

MikeyT said:

Alot of men have egos so big they wouldn't want to be 'reduced' to the role of carer for the kids ...

Seriously.

Some of us have just spent two days surrounded in puke with the kids off school.


However bad being a home dad is (and I actually enjoy it) it takes on a whole new meaning when the kids are poorly