separation advise please
Discussion
Hi i am sure loads of you kn here have gone through this and will be able to offer advise.
in October 2008 my wife told me she no longer loved me fancied me and wanted me as her husband, so i moved out leaving her and my 4 year old daughter in the family house. i have been allowed total access to my house and daughter and until one point my wife and i were getting on well as friends.
i have still let my pay go into our joint account and all the bill etc have been paid. this is still the case now about the access to my daughter and house payments bills etc,
now my marriage all started to go wrong in May 2008 when we had a few arguments and she gained a new "friend" who is male and 12 years alder them she is. she keep this from me and i only found because her personalty changed, she stated there is nothing but a friendship going on. this escalated over time and by august he was texting her 10 to 20 times a day again i asked if anything was going on NO was the reply but the arguments about him kept happening by the end of August. i looked at her phone account and in 10 days there was 70 odd replies to this man. he then started to phone her, on days when we were together on my birthday, when we were away on a family weekend. in September we had a very hard chat and decided what was wrong and that i would try harder and change and my wife said i did. we had a family holiday booked and we were away and everything was sort of good we had a nice time, we came back and a week later she told me that she nologer wanted me. i then found texts on her phone were he is saying he wants to put his "thing" were a man is never allowed, how he want to give her multiple orgasms. etc.. as ask about that and she says its smutty banter, we managed to stay friends until mid December when i cam along on the Saturday to take my daughter out to discover a love bite on my wife's neck, she denied everything, two days later she admitted she had sex with him, again i just got on with life,but my mid week it was eating away at me and we argued again then she says it was just a necking on bit of fun. since this we have not been getting along as well, and then we had Christmas and new year and i have found he has also been sending her links to porn sites,
to be honest it really is eating away at me i still love her and have been with her for 19 years since we were 16. what can and should i do.
i will not resort to violence, that is not my way, but its just getting to me that this scum has made a bee line for my wife and taken her away even though he is married and she was happy with me.
i am trying to avoid the legal route as it will cause as many problems as it solves from what i have read,
can i please have some advise, thanks in advance for the sensible replies
please ignore spelling and grammar. i cannot be bothered about it anymore
in October 2008 my wife told me she no longer loved me fancied me and wanted me as her husband, so i moved out leaving her and my 4 year old daughter in the family house. i have been allowed total access to my house and daughter and until one point my wife and i were getting on well as friends.
i have still let my pay go into our joint account and all the bill etc have been paid. this is still the case now about the access to my daughter and house payments bills etc,
now my marriage all started to go wrong in May 2008 when we had a few arguments and she gained a new "friend" who is male and 12 years alder them she is. she keep this from me and i only found because her personalty changed, she stated there is nothing but a friendship going on. this escalated over time and by august he was texting her 10 to 20 times a day again i asked if anything was going on NO was the reply but the arguments about him kept happening by the end of August. i looked at her phone account and in 10 days there was 70 odd replies to this man. he then started to phone her, on days when we were together on my birthday, when we were away on a family weekend. in September we had a very hard chat and decided what was wrong and that i would try harder and change and my wife said i did. we had a family holiday booked and we were away and everything was sort of good we had a nice time, we came back and a week later she told me that she nologer wanted me. i then found texts on her phone were he is saying he wants to put his "thing" were a man is never allowed, how he want to give her multiple orgasms. etc.. as ask about that and she says its smutty banter, we managed to stay friends until mid December when i cam along on the Saturday to take my daughter out to discover a love bite on my wife's neck, she denied everything, two days later she admitted she had sex with him, again i just got on with life,but my mid week it was eating away at me and we argued again then she says it was just a necking on bit of fun. since this we have not been getting along as well, and then we had Christmas and new year and i have found he has also been sending her links to porn sites,
to be honest it really is eating away at me i still love her and have been with her for 19 years since we were 16. what can and should i do.
i will not resort to violence, that is not my way, but its just getting to me that this scum has made a bee line for my wife and taken her away even though he is married and she was happy with me.
i am trying to avoid the legal route as it will cause as many problems as it solves from what i have read,
can i please have some advise, thanks in advance for the sensible replies
please ignore spelling and grammar. i cannot be bothered about it anymore
Penny-lope said:
Simple answer, you need to move on, no matter how much you still love her, and how hard it is.
She no longer loves you, and probably hasn't for months, possibly years, or she would not have looked else where for male attention.
yep you are right i do need to but i just feel that we could still have been friends if it was not for the other party, and that is sad as my daughter would benefit from both parents being friends She no longer loves you, and probably hasn't for months, possibly years, or she would not have looked else where for male attention.
carlymart said:
Penny-lope said:
Simple answer, you need to move on, no matter how much you still love her, and how hard it is.
She no longer loves you, and probably hasn't for months, possibly years, or she would not have looked else where for male attention.
yep you are right i do need to but i just feel that we could still have been friends if it was not for the other party, and that is sad as my daughter would benefit from both parents being friends She no longer loves you, and probably hasn't for months, possibly years, or she would not have looked else where for male attention.
If it was not this man, it would be another.
Yes in an ideal world, it would be lovely to all be friends, for your child, and for all involved (family, and friends) But this rarely happens, and when it does, it takes years and years, not a few months.
Oh dear, another one of us gets it.
You should have seen the writing on the wall when she said YOU had to try and change. That's the time when they start to want other things... and you're not it. Unfortunately you were not in a position to see that at the time, I certainly didn't when it happened to me, and similarly to you, I'd been with my now 'ex' since we'd been 15... almost 25 years.
So now you are effectively trying to save a relationship which no longer exists. DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME.
Sounds harsh, but it is true, move on. Start to think about yourself and your relationship with your daughter. Your wife is gone, even if the fun she's having with mystery man burns out, she will not come back to you, and if she does it will never be 'right'.
SO now you have to start considering what the divorce process is. Simply put, you will be held over a barrel becuase the fault of the separation is no longer of any importance in a divorce. The fact she has/is playing away is irrelevant.
The courts will mainly ensure that your daughter is looked after which means that you and your wife will have to keep a roof over her head. This usually means that YOU will be liable to pay enough to your ex to ensure this. How you decide to do this financially depends so much on your earnings etc... that it's impossible to say without more information.
How YOU play it depends on how your feel about her and more importantly, your daughter. You could just walk away and let your wife sink or swim, but then how will that impact your time with your daughter.... or you can try and ensure your ex and daughter are will looked after so that your daughter is likewise well looked after. Which way you go very much depends on what type of person you are. I know I went for the making sure the ex and the kids had enough money to live OK without me being totally butt raped by the divorce settlement.
Sorry to hear about all this, but I spent 2 years trying to sort my relationship out... with hindsight I wish I'd known that everything I tried to do and chagne was never going to make a difference... I could have got out a lot sooner that way!!!
You should have seen the writing on the wall when she said YOU had to try and change. That's the time when they start to want other things... and you're not it. Unfortunately you were not in a position to see that at the time, I certainly didn't when it happened to me, and similarly to you, I'd been with my now 'ex' since we'd been 15... almost 25 years.
So now you are effectively trying to save a relationship which no longer exists. DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME.
Sounds harsh, but it is true, move on. Start to think about yourself and your relationship with your daughter. Your wife is gone, even if the fun she's having with mystery man burns out, she will not come back to you, and if she does it will never be 'right'.
SO now you have to start considering what the divorce process is. Simply put, you will be held over a barrel becuase the fault of the separation is no longer of any importance in a divorce. The fact she has/is playing away is irrelevant.
The courts will mainly ensure that your daughter is looked after which means that you and your wife will have to keep a roof over her head. This usually means that YOU will be liable to pay enough to your ex to ensure this. How you decide to do this financially depends so much on your earnings etc... that it's impossible to say without more information.
How YOU play it depends on how your feel about her and more importantly, your daughter. You could just walk away and let your wife sink or swim, but then how will that impact your time with your daughter.... or you can try and ensure your ex and daughter are will looked after so that your daughter is likewise well looked after. Which way you go very much depends on what type of person you are. I know I went for the making sure the ex and the kids had enough money to live OK without me being totally butt raped by the divorce settlement.
Sorry to hear about all this, but I spent 2 years trying to sort my relationship out... with hindsight I wish I'd known that everything I tried to do and chagne was never going to make a difference... I could have got out a lot sooner that way!!!
Penny-lope said:
carlymart said:
Penny-lope said:
Simple answer, you need to move on, no matter how much you still love her, and how hard it is.
She no longer loves you, and probably hasn't for months, possibly years, or she would not have looked else where for male attention.
yep you are right i do need to but i just feel that we could still have been friends if it was not for the other party, and that is sad as my daughter would benefit from both parents being friends She no longer loves you, and probably hasn't for months, possibly years, or she would not have looked else where for male attention.
If it was not this man, it would be another.
Yes in an ideal world, it would be lovely to all be friends, for your child, and for all involved (family, and friends) But this rarely happens, and when it does, it takes years and years, not a few months.
carlymart said:
Penny-lope said:
Simple answer, you need to move on, no matter how much you still love her, and how hard it is.
She no longer loves you, and probably hasn't for months, possibly years, or she would not have looked else where for male attention.
yep you are right i do need to but i just feel that we could still have been friends if it was not for the other party, and that is sad as my daughter would benefit from both parents being friends She no longer loves you, and probably hasn't for months, possibly years, or she would not have looked else where for male attention.
In practical terms too consider making a clean break as soon as possible. If it gets nasty, and you already said it started off friendly but that didn't last, then not making the break can complicate things and leave you open to designer accusations which are made to increase leverage.
Consider getting half of the joint monies into a single name account in your name, now - assuming you each have sole authority on a joint signatory account - as a first step. This can hardly be described as unfair. Otherwise it might not be there (any of it) at a future time when you look again.
Sorry to say this but be very careful about time spent with your own children, a vindictive 'ex' will use them in the leverage accusations. You're not the violent type as far as relating to her is concerned and I hbelieve your comment, but that's irrelevant to her and what she might claim, also if any false accusations involving her can be bad then anything involving the children (not violence, think about it) will be unimaginable.
I'd say more but I trust you get the general drift.
ytrebil said:
Ahhh man that's horrible.
Why oh why are you still trying to make it work or even still keep a level head about it all!? I'd have flown off the handle! You seem to be giving her way too much slack. I'd have smacked that b
h up!
i have wanted to but sofar i have managed not to and will never hit a woman. but i would love to make this friend have a few problams. Why oh why are you still trying to make it work or even still keep a level head about it all!? I'd have flown off the handle! You seem to be giving her way too much slack. I'd have smacked that b
h up!ytrebil said:
Ahhh man that's horrible.
Why oh why are you still trying to make it work or even still keep a level head about it all!? I'd have flown off the handle! You seem to be giving her way too much slack. I'd have smacked that bh up!
Mmm.. and that would have helped how exactly... as you're marched off down the police station and then refused access to see your kid as you're now a violent loon?Why oh why are you still trying to make it work or even still keep a level head about it all!? I'd have flown off the handle! You seem to be giving her way too much slack. I'd have smacked that b
h up!Piersman2 said:
ytrebil said:
Ahhh man that's horrible.
Why oh why are you still trying to make it work or even still keep a level head about it all!? I'd have flown off the handle! You seem to be giving her way too much slack. I'd have smacked that bh up!
Mmm.. and that would have helped how exactly... as you're marched off down the police station and then refused access to see your kid as you're now a violent loon?Why oh why are you still trying to make it work or even still keep a level head about it all!? I'd have flown off the handle! You seem to be giving her way too much slack. I'd have smacked that b
h up!Oh, and get the best legal advice you can get if she gets any advice at all, which she probably will. It looks like there won't be an out-of-court settlement if the friendship has already gone too, but that would have been financially and emotionally the better option.
ETA definitely no physicals to her or the third party, that will play into her hands and you can only lose no matter how satisfying it might be for 30 seconds.
ETA definitely no physicals to her or the third party, that will play into her hands and you can only lose no matter how satisfying it might be for 30 seconds.
Edited by turbobloke on Sunday 4th January 12:35
turbobloke said:
carlymart said:
Penny-lope said:
Simple answer, you need to move on, no matter how much you still love her, and how hard it is.
She no longer loves you, and probably hasn't for months, possibly years, or she would not have looked else where for male attention.
yep you are right i do need to but i just feel that we could still have been friends if it was not for the other party, and that is sad as my daughter would benefit from both parents being friends She no longer loves you, and probably hasn't for months, possibly years, or she would not have looked else where for male attention.
In practical terms too consider making a clean break as soon as possible. If it gets nasty, and you already said it started off friendly but that didn't last, then not making the break can complicate things and leave you open to designer accusations which are made to increase leverage.
Consider getting half of the joint monies into a single name account in your name, now - assuming you each have sole authority on a joint signatory account - as a first step. This can hardly be described as unfair. Otherwise it might not be there (any of it) at a future time when you look again.
Sorry to say this but be very careful about time spent with your own children, a vindictive 'ex' will use them in the leverage accusations. You're not the violent type as far as relating to her is concerned and I hbelieve your comment, but that's irrelevant to her and what she might claim, also if any false accusations involving her can be bad then anything involving the children (not violence, think about it) will be unimaginable.
I'd say more but I trust you get the general drift.
i am very serious about a clean split but will not walk away from my daughter. i think i realy need legal advise but dont want to
carlymart said:
ytrebil said:
Ahhh man that's horrible.
Why oh why are you still trying to make it work or even still keep a level head about it all!? I'd have flown off the handle! You seem to be giving her way too much slack. I'd have smacked that bh up!
i have wanted to but sofar i have managed not to and will never hit a woman. but i would love to make this friend have a few problams. Why oh why are you still trying to make it work or even still keep a level head about it all!? I'd have flown off the handle! You seem to be giving her way too much slack. I'd have smacked that b
h up!I don't know what your soon to be ex is like, but many of the women in her position suddenly realise that the money taps are about to be restricted and reall start to self focus at that point. Shuffle away as much money as you can, give it to a family member or trusted freind to bank for you, they can return it once the divorce is all settled. Oh, and make sure to go for the clean break so she can't keep coming back for more years down the line!
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