Jokes Section ??
Discussion
Jason F here's a starter
Panda arrives in London from China and goes to China Town for something to eat, unfortunately he ends up in Soho and gets approached by a prostitute, she asks him is he looking for a good time and he replies not really just hungry. The prostitute say's " look it is a quite day come back to my place and I will cook you something"
So back at her place she cooks him a meal and they end up in bed, after a mad passionate session he gets up to leave and she says hey I want paying. The Panda say's look I don't understand I am from China!
So she goes and gets a dictionary and opens it to P and points out the word Prostitute, he reads aloud, "Prostitute lady of night takes money for sexual favours" The Panda says look lady I don't think you understand and turns the page to 'Panda' and hands her the book, she reads
" PANDA, EATS, SHOOTS and LEAVES !!!!
Yeah old joke but only on my second coffee fix of the morning, wonder if Ted will edit this ?
>> Edited by AOVCERB on Thursday 14th February 08:37
Panda arrives in London from China and goes to China Town for something to eat, unfortunately he ends up in Soho and gets approached by a prostitute, she asks him is he looking for a good time and he replies not really just hungry. The prostitute say's " look it is a quite day come back to my place and I will cook you something"
So back at her place she cooks him a meal and they end up in bed, after a mad passionate session he gets up to leave and she says hey I want paying. The Panda say's look I don't understand I am from China!
So she goes and gets a dictionary and opens it to P and points out the word Prostitute, he reads aloud, "Prostitute lady of night takes money for sexual favours" The Panda says look lady I don't think you understand and turns the page to 'Panda' and hands her the book, she reads
" PANDA, EATS, SHOOTS and LEAVES !!!!
Yeah old joke but only on my second coffee fix of the morning, wonder if Ted will edit this ?
>> Edited by AOVCERB on Thursday 14th February 08:37
Another few lawyer ones!
If a lawyer and a tax inspector were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper??
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope!
How many lawyers does it take to stop a bus?? Never enough!
What is the difference between a Lawyer and a Skunk?? Nobody wants to hit a Skunk!
If a lawyer and a tax inspector were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper??
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope!
How many lawyers does it take to stop a bus?? Never enough!
What is the difference between a Lawyer and a Skunk?? Nobody wants to hit a Skunk!
1) What is a Lada on top of a hill? A miracle
2) What are two Ladas on top of a hill? Science fiction
3) What are three Ladas on top of a hill? A strange place for a Lada factory
4) How do you call a Lada with an opening roof ? A dustbin
5) What's the difference between AIDS and a Lada? Try to get rid of a Lada...
6) How many people can you put in a Lada ? It depends on the size of the breakdown van
7) Why is the boot of Ladas heated ? To avoid having the hands freezing when pushing
8) How many people are required for building a Lada ? two: one to cut, one to glue.
2) What are two Ladas on top of a hill? Science fiction
3) What are three Ladas on top of a hill? A strange place for a Lada factory
4) How do you call a Lada with an opening roof ? A dustbin
5) What's the difference between AIDS and a Lada? Try to get rid of a Lada...
6) How many people can you put in a Lada ? It depends on the size of the breakdown van
7) Why is the boot of Ladas heated ? To avoid having the hands freezing when pushing
8) How many people are required for building a Lada ? two: one to cut, one to glue.
Three scientifics specialized in cloning are having a discussion, each praising his work:
The English says:
"Two years ago, we reconstituted a goat out of a kidney. One year later it could reproduce itself..."
The American answers:
"Hey man, three years ago, we made a bull out of an eye. Six months later it had sex with six cows..."
The French adds:
"Seven years ago, we made a President of the Republic out of an ass**le. It took him only two months to f**k all the French..."
>> Edited by thom on Sunday 17th February 23:39
The English says:
"Two years ago, we reconstituted a goat out of a kidney. One year later it could reproduce itself..."
The American answers:
"Hey man, three years ago, we made a bull out of an eye. Six months later it had sex with six cows..."
The French adds:
"Seven years ago, we made a President of the Republic out of an ass**le. It took him only two months to f**k all the French..."
>> Edited by thom on Sunday 17th February 23:39
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa ?
Why is Dislexic such a hard word to spell ?
What is the definition of agony ? A one armed man hanging on the edge of a cliff with itchy balls.
Whats brown and Sticky ? a stick
What do you call a Gay Dinousaur ? Megasoreass.
Why is Dislexic such a hard word to spell ?
What is the definition of agony ? A one armed man hanging on the edge of a cliff with itchy balls.
Whats brown and Sticky ? a stick
What do you call a Gay Dinousaur ? Megasoreass.
Here is a quick guide to some Chinese phrases that may be useful. Read aloud to get full understanding..
>01) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong?
> 02) Are you harboring a fugitive?.................Hu Yu Hai Ding?
> 03) See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia Nao
> 04) Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai
> 05) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni
> 06) Did you go to the beach?......................Wai Yu So Tan?
> 07) I bumped into a coffee table..................Ai Bang Mai Ni
> 08) I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat
> 09) It's very dark in here........................Wai So Dim?
> 10) I thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching?
> 11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King
> 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
> 13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo
> 14) He's cleaning his automobile..................Wa Shing Ka
> 15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu
One for the lawyer haters:
Priest dies and goes to heaven. There he is greeted by God and given a nice little room. Going about his business one day he notices that a lawyer has been given a mansion with loads of women and cars etc. Asking God how this could be after years of his work for the Lord, he is given so little and the lawyer so much? "We have a lot of priests here, but lawyers are very few" is the reply.
Also, what has a Christmas tree and a priest got in common?
Their balls are for decoration.
>01) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong?
> 02) Are you harboring a fugitive?.................Hu Yu Hai Ding?
> 03) See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia Nao
> 04) Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai
> 05) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni
> 06) Did you go to the beach?......................Wai Yu So Tan?
> 07) I bumped into a coffee table..................Ai Bang Mai Ni
> 08) I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat
> 09) It's very dark in here........................Wai So Dim?
> 10) I thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching?
> 11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King
> 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
> 13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo
> 14) He's cleaning his automobile..................Wa Shing Ka
> 15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu
One for the lawyer haters:
Priest dies and goes to heaven. There he is greeted by God and given a nice little room. Going about his business one day he notices that a lawyer has been given a mansion with loads of women and cars etc. Asking God how this could be after years of his work for the Lord, he is given so little and the lawyer so much? "We have a lot of priests here, but lawyers are very few" is the reply.
Also, what has a Christmas tree and a priest got in common?
Their balls are for decoration.
A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!" The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'! He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class wasn't going to London."
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!" The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'! He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class wasn't going to London."
Company Policy
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a
banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey
will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold
water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the
other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace
it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the
stairs.
To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After
another
attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will
be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new
one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.
The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!
Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth,
then
the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were
not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the
beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys,
none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the
banana.
Why not?
Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around
here.
and that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a
banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey
will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold
water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the
other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace
it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the
stairs.
To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After
another
attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will
be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new
one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.
The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!
Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth,
then
the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were
not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the
beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys,
none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the
banana.
Why not?
Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around
here.
and that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,
it was Wedgie Kray.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov(world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,
it was Wedgie Kray.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov(world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
A lorry driver carrying penguins has just broken down.
"Hell, how will I manage to carry them to the zoo?"
Then comes one of his colleagues:
"- Hello; I've just broken down my lorry; could you please take the penguins with you and bring them to the zoo?
- No prob!
- Thank you very much; please accept these 50 quids.
- Thank you, see you later!"
Several houts later, the guy comes back, but with all the penguins in his lorry.
"- What happened ? You didn't take them to the zoo?
- Yes but I've got some money left; I'll take them to the cinema now..."
"Hell, how will I manage to carry them to the zoo?"
Then comes one of his colleagues:
"- Hello; I've just broken down my lorry; could you please take the penguins with you and bring them to the zoo?
- No prob!
- Thank you very much; please accept these 50 quids.
- Thank you, see you later!"
Several houts later, the guy comes back, but with all the penguins in his lorry.
"- What happened ? You didn't take them to the zoo?
- Yes but I've got some money left; I'll take them to the cinema now..."
Black humour time (please sensitive people pass your way) :
(forgive me Ayrton, RIP)
1) What's Senna's favourite song ? The wall
2) What's the last thing Senna read ? Pirelli
3) What's the last thing Senna had in mind ? a tyre
What's worse than finding a baby in a dustbin ?
To find a baby in two dustbins
>> Edited by thom on Wednesday 20th February 22:01
(forgive me Ayrton, RIP)
1) What's Senna's favourite song ? The wall
2) What's the last thing Senna read ? Pirelli
3) What's the last thing Senna had in mind ? a tyre
What's worse than finding a baby in a dustbin ?
To find a baby in two dustbins
>> Edited by thom on Wednesday 20th February 22:01
Gassing Station | Website Feedback | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff