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There have seen a couple of posts/threads on here recently about the Daily Mash, never heard of it before but now I am subscribed. I can honestly say it is one of the funniest things I have ever read! 
This weeks one had me laughing out loud
This weeks one had me laughing out loud
www.thedailymash.co.uk said:
PRESIDENT Obama clearly has a new watch and is fascinated with it, Gordon Brown revealed last night.
Following his first meeting with the new president Mr Brown said Britain and the United States must work together to create a new age of global stability where everyone can have a watch as nice as that.
The prime minister added: "I was making some very insightful points about Fred Goodwin's pension, but he just kept looking at that watch and I'm thinking, 'gosh, it must be a really good one'.
"Eventually I asked him if I could have a look at it but he said no, it was a special watch they only give to presidents and astronauts and that I might break it.
"I pointed out that I don't break things and that all of my watches have been broken by an extraordinary combination of global circumstances."
The prime minister said it was unfortunate a planned press conference had been cancelled due to 'a pack of Alaskan timber wolves on the White House lawn' but dismissed claims he had been snubbed, adding: "He knew my first name. Does he know your first name? I didn't think so."
Despite the distraction of his new watch Mr Obama did find time to send a series of Twitter messages including, 'oh f
k, why did i agree to this?', 'should have met the french guy instead' and 'note to pentagon - phone me now and pretend it's really important'.
Meanwhile Mr Brown again stressed the British economy is nothing to do with him and published a list of people who were to blame including Alan Milburn, Geoffrey Howe, former Eastender Michelle Gayle and K-9, the robot dog from Doctor Who.
Just brilliant! Following his first meeting with the new president Mr Brown said Britain and the United States must work together to create a new age of global stability where everyone can have a watch as nice as that.
The prime minister added: "I was making some very insightful points about Fred Goodwin's pension, but he just kept looking at that watch and I'm thinking, 'gosh, it must be a really good one'.
"Eventually I asked him if I could have a look at it but he said no, it was a special watch they only give to presidents and astronauts and that I might break it.
"I pointed out that I don't break things and that all of my watches have been broken by an extraordinary combination of global circumstances."
The prime minister said it was unfortunate a planned press conference had been cancelled due to 'a pack of Alaskan timber wolves on the White House lawn' but dismissed claims he had been snubbed, adding: "He knew my first name. Does he know your first name? I didn't think so."
Despite the distraction of his new watch Mr Obama did find time to send a series of Twitter messages including, 'oh f
k, why did i agree to this?', 'should have met the french guy instead' and 'note to pentagon - phone me now and pretend it's really important'.Meanwhile Mr Brown again stressed the British economy is nothing to do with him and published a list of people who were to blame including Alan Milburn, Geoffrey Howe, former Eastender Michelle Gayle and K-9, the robot dog from Doctor Who.
dailymash said:
SCIENTISTS TO CONTINUE EMBRYO STEM-CELL RESEARCH PURELY TO ANNOY CHRISTIANS
LEADING scientists last night rejected a new 'ethical' stem cell technique insisting it would do nothing to annoy fundamentalist Christians.
The new method takes human skin cells and makes them behave like embryonic stem cells in a breakthrough that has disappointed researchers across the globe.
But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "I did not spend eight years at university just to adopt research methods that do not annoy the holy living st out of the Jesus freaks.
"I got into this business to take science and rub it in their stupid, medieval, voodoo faces and I'm not about to give that up now.
"It always puzzled me why they got so annoyed given that the embryo in question had no brain or nervous system and how to the untrained eye it was impossible to tell if was a human or a sea horse.
"Nevertheless they would open up their bibles and point to the bits about the sanctity of this and the holiness of that and I'd point to the bit about how it's forbidden to eat cormorants."
Professor Brubaker said he and his colleagues liked to play with the tiny embryos and would often use them to act out scenes from the New Testament including the Sermon on the Mount and the feeding of the five thousand.
The professor stressed that stem cells will also have a wide range of clinical uses with the exception of bringing someone back to life after they have been nailed to a cross, 'because that's just a dangerously insane fairy story'.
He added: "If only I could find some way of manipulating the embryo to make it gay."
LEADING scientists last night rejected a new 'ethical' stem cell technique insisting it would do nothing to annoy fundamentalist Christians.
The new method takes human skin cells and makes them behave like embryonic stem cells in a breakthrough that has disappointed researchers across the globe.
But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "I did not spend eight years at university just to adopt research methods that do not annoy the holy living s
t out of the Jesus freaks."I got into this business to take science and rub it in their stupid, medieval, voodoo faces and I'm not about to give that up now.
"It always puzzled me why they got so annoyed given that the embryo in question had no brain or nervous system and how to the untrained eye it was impossible to tell if was a human or a sea horse.
"Nevertheless they would open up their bibles and point to the bits about the sanctity of this and the holiness of that and I'd point to the bit about how it's forbidden to eat cormorants."
Professor Brubaker said he and his colleagues liked to play with the tiny embryos and would often use them to act out scenes from the New Testament including the Sermon on the Mount and the feeding of the five thousand.
The professor stressed that stem cells will also have a wide range of clinical uses with the exception of bringing someone back to life after they have been nailed to a cross, 'because that's just a dangerously insane fairy story'.
He added: "If only I could find some way of manipulating the embryo to make it gay."
Edited by him_over_there on Wednesday 4th March 10:39
Clarkson Factually Correct said:
CLARKSON FACTUALLY CORRECT
JEREMY Clarkson was factually correct, it was claimed last night.
As the Top Gear presenter faced a storm of protest after describing prime minister Gordon Brown as 'a one-eyed Scottish idiot', experts stressed the constituent parts of the statement could all be verified.
Julian Cook, professor of semantics at Reading University, said: "Think of it this way. What if Jeremy Clarkson had divided the information into three separate sentences?
"For instance; 'Gordon Brown has one eye'. Yes he does. No-one is denying that. Secondly, 'Gordon Brown is Scottish'. Yes he is, so are lots of other people and that is reasonably normal.
"And finally 'Gordon Brown is an idiot'. Well yes, of course he is. If you didn't think that then clearly you're some kind of idiot. And possibly Scottish. With one eye."
Professor Cook added: "It's all about language, it's all about context.
"Put it this way, if he had called Gordon Brown a 'Jocko moron whose eyes are all wonky', or maybe 'Long John Silver, the kilted stwit', or perhaps even 'Winky Mcfknut, the alcoholic sheep-shagger' then yes, I could see how some people might find that offensive.
"Or if he had put on an eye patch and sat there shouting 'jings! crivens! am such a wee eejit!'.
"Or if he had wandered around the stage with one eye shut, bumping into things while sticking his tongue inside his bottom lip and banging the backs of his hands together while screaming 'och aye the noo, I'm Gordon the spazzy', then yes, that is perhaps going a bit too far."
Professor Cook said Clarkson's sentence was not only accurate but possessed a 'beautiful simplicity', adding: "Or what about this one? He puts on an eye patch, a kilt and a tam o'shanter and performs simulated intercourse at the wrong end of an inflatable sheep and then falls off the stage. Yeah, I'd liked to have seen that."
JEREMY Clarkson was factually correct, it was claimed last night.
As the Top Gear presenter faced a storm of protest after describing prime minister Gordon Brown as 'a one-eyed Scottish idiot', experts stressed the constituent parts of the statement could all be verified.
Julian Cook, professor of semantics at Reading University, said: "Think of it this way. What if Jeremy Clarkson had divided the information into three separate sentences?
"For instance; 'Gordon Brown has one eye'. Yes he does. No-one is denying that. Secondly, 'Gordon Brown is Scottish'. Yes he is, so are lots of other people and that is reasonably normal.
"And finally 'Gordon Brown is an idiot'. Well yes, of course he is. If you didn't think that then clearly you're some kind of idiot. And possibly Scottish. With one eye."
Professor Cook added: "It's all about language, it's all about context.
"Put it this way, if he had called Gordon Brown a 'Jocko moron whose eyes are all wonky', or maybe 'Long John Silver, the kilted s
twit', or perhaps even 'Winky Mcfknut, the alcoholic sheep-shagger' then yes, I could see how some people might find that offensive."Or if he had put on an eye patch and sat there shouting 'jings! crivens! am such a wee eejit!'.
"Or if he had wandered around the stage with one eye shut, bumping into things while sticking his tongue inside his bottom lip and banging the backs of his hands together while screaming 'och aye the noo, I'm Gordon the spazzy', then yes, that is perhaps going a bit too far."
Professor Cook said Clarkson's sentence was not only accurate but possessed a 'beautiful simplicity', adding: "Or what about this one? He puts on an eye patch, a kilt and a tam o'shanter and performs simulated intercourse at the wrong end of an inflatable sheep and then falls off the stage. Yeah, I'd liked to have seen that."
hornetrider said:
Clarkson Factually Correct said:
CLARKSON FACTUALLY CORRECT
JEREMY Clarkson was factually correct, it was claimed last night.
As the Top Gear presenter faced a storm of protest after describing prime minister Gordon Brown as 'a one-eyed Scottish idiot', experts stressed the constituent parts of the statement could all be verified.
Julian Cook, professor of semantics at Reading University, said: "Think of it this way. What if Jeremy Clarkson had divided the information into three separate sentences?
"For instance; 'Gordon Brown has one eye'. Yes he does. No-one is denying that. Secondly, 'Gordon Brown is Scottish'. Yes he is, so are lots of other people and that is reasonably normal.
"And finally 'Gordon Brown is an idiot'. Well yes, of course he is. If you didn't think that then clearly you're some kind of idiot. And possibly Scottish. With one eye."
Professor Cook added: "It's all about language, it's all about context.
"Put it this way, if he had called Gordon Brown a 'Jocko moron whose eyes are all wonky', or maybe 'Long John Silver, the kilted stwit', or perhaps even 'Winky Mcfknut, the alcoholic sheep-shagger' then yes, I could see how some people might find that offensive.
"Or if he had put on an eye patch and sat there shouting 'jings! crivens! am such a wee eejit!'.
"Or if he had wandered around the stage with one eye shut, bumping into things while sticking his tongue inside his bottom lip and banging the backs of his hands together while screaming 'och aye the noo, I'm Gordon the spazzy', then yes, that is perhaps going a bit too far."
Professor Cook said Clarkson's sentence was not only accurate but possessed a 'beautiful simplicity', adding: "Or what about this one? He puts on an eye patch, a kilt and a tam o'shanter and performs simulated intercourse at the wrong end of an inflatable sheep and then falls off the stage. Yeah, I'd liked to have seen that."
JEREMY Clarkson was factually correct, it was claimed last night.
As the Top Gear presenter faced a storm of protest after describing prime minister Gordon Brown as 'a one-eyed Scottish idiot', experts stressed the constituent parts of the statement could all be verified.
Julian Cook, professor of semantics at Reading University, said: "Think of it this way. What if Jeremy Clarkson had divided the information into three separate sentences?
"For instance; 'Gordon Brown has one eye'. Yes he does. No-one is denying that. Secondly, 'Gordon Brown is Scottish'. Yes he is, so are lots of other people and that is reasonably normal.
"And finally 'Gordon Brown is an idiot'. Well yes, of course he is. If you didn't think that then clearly you're some kind of idiot. And possibly Scottish. With one eye."
Professor Cook added: "It's all about language, it's all about context.
"Put it this way, if he had called Gordon Brown a 'Jocko moron whose eyes are all wonky', or maybe 'Long John Silver, the kilted s
twit', or perhaps even 'Winky Mcfknut, the alcoholic sheep-shagger' then yes, I could see how some people might find that offensive."Or if he had put on an eye patch and sat there shouting 'jings! crivens! am such a wee eejit!'.
"Or if he had wandered around the stage with one eye shut, bumping into things while sticking his tongue inside his bottom lip and banging the backs of his hands together while screaming 'och aye the noo, I'm Gordon the spazzy', then yes, that is perhaps going a bit too far."
Professor Cook said Clarkson's sentence was not only accurate but possessed a 'beautiful simplicity', adding: "Or what about this one? He puts on an eye patch, a kilt and a tam o'shanter and performs simulated intercourse at the wrong end of an inflatable sheep and then falls off the stage. Yeah, I'd liked to have seen that."
dailymash said:
SATAN MAKES ROOM FOR PARENTS WHO COMPLAINED ABOUT DISABLED TV PRESENTER
PARENTS who complained about a one-armed childrens' TV presenter will have their own very special corner of Hell, Satan confirmed last night.
Lucifer's minions are sweeping out a disused basement room that will be kitted out to look like the Teletubbies house and then filled ankle deep with a corrosive mixture of children's vomit, gerbil excrement and out of date Sunny Delight.
On arrival all parents who objected to Cerrie Burnell's appointment will be driven into the room by fiery horned demons who will beat them continuously with prosthetic limbs studded with the shards from a broken Thomas the Tank Engine mug.
A spokesman for Beelzebub said: "They will then be slowly evicerated by some fairly large scorpions while being forced to watch the Josie Jump song from Balamory on a never-ending loop."
He added: "These people seem to think a one-armed young lady appearing momentarily inside a flickering box in their living room is the very stuff of nightmares. Let's just say we're reasonably confident we can prove them wrong."
Bill McKay, a parent from Northampton, said: "I turned on the Bedtime Hour expecting to see it hosted by some incredibly hot babe with a dodgy past in home-made pornography.
"Instead I got something that made my children cry and failed to give me an erection.
"I suppose this was a perfect opportunity to talk to my children about disability but I felt it would be more useful to email the BBC and try to put an end to this young woman's career."
He added: "Oh st, I'm going to hell aren't I?"
PARENTS who complained about a one-armed childrens' TV presenter will have their own very special corner of Hell, Satan confirmed last night.
Lucifer's minions are sweeping out a disused basement room that will be kitted out to look like the Teletubbies house and then filled ankle deep with a corrosive mixture of children's vomit, gerbil excrement and out of date Sunny Delight.
On arrival all parents who objected to Cerrie Burnell's appointment will be driven into the room by fiery horned demons who will beat them continuously with prosthetic limbs studded with the shards from a broken Thomas the Tank Engine mug.
A spokesman for Beelzebub said: "They will then be slowly evicerated by some fairly large scorpions while being forced to watch the Josie Jump song from Balamory on a never-ending loop."
He added: "These people seem to think a one-armed young lady appearing momentarily inside a flickering box in their living room is the very stuff of nightmares. Let's just say we're reasonably confident we can prove them wrong."
Bill McKay, a parent from Northampton, said: "I turned on the Bedtime Hour expecting to see it hosted by some incredibly hot babe with a dodgy past in home-made pornography.
"Instead I got something that made my children cry and failed to give me an erection.
"I suppose this was a perfect opportunity to talk to my children about disability but I felt it would be more useful to email the BBC and try to put an end to this young woman's career."
He added: "Oh s
t, I'm going to hell aren't I?"Edited by Fidgits on Wednesday 4th March 11:00
The animal ones are generally all piss-funny:
Dailymash said:
THAT SHREW IS SO fkING HAMMERED, SAY ZOOLOGISTS
YOU should have totally seen this shrew, it was out of its face, a team of zoologists claimed last night.
The scientists, from the Institute for Studies, discovered the tiny mammal in the West Malaysian rainforest as part of their worldwide research into animals that like a drink.
The pen-tailed tree shrew sips alcoholic nectar from exotic flowers, but also enjoys gin, vodka, Sweetheart Stout and mojitos.
Team leader, Professor Wayne Hayes, said: "We started off with a couple of G&Ts, just to loosen things up and then had a couple of pints. By the time we were on our third mojito the wee bd was totally off his face.
"I said to Dave, I said, 'Dave! Check it out. This shrew is fkin' hammered. I think he's trying to take a swing at me'.
"It then gave me a dirty look and wandered off into the undergrowth while Dave and I had yet another conversation about why I am not trying to shag his wife, who, by the way, is a fat bag and totally up for it.
"Anyway, the next morning we found the shrew fast asleep in a tiny little puddle of sick. It was adorable."
Professor Hayes added: "So far we've discovered a zebra that drinks like an Irishman and a badger with an insatiable thirst for Pinot Grigio. And then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey.
"We're now off to Thailand where we hope to discover how much Creme De Menthe you can pour into an elephant before it goes mental."
kING HAMMERED, SAY ZOOLOGISTSYOU should have totally seen this shrew, it was out of its face, a team of zoologists claimed last night.
The scientists, from the Institute for Studies, discovered the tiny mammal in the West Malaysian rainforest as part of their worldwide research into animals that like a drink.
The pen-tailed tree shrew sips alcoholic nectar from exotic flowers, but also enjoys gin, vodka, Sweetheart Stout and mojitos.
Team leader, Professor Wayne Hayes, said: "We started off with a couple of G&Ts, just to loosen things up and then had a couple of pints. By the time we were on our third mojito the wee b
d was totally off his face."I said to Dave, I said, 'Dave! Check it out. This shrew is f
kin' hammered. I think he's trying to take a swing at me'."It then gave me a dirty look and wandered off into the undergrowth while Dave and I had yet another conversation about why I am not trying to shag his wife, who, by the way, is a fat bag and totally up for it.
"Anyway, the next morning we found the shrew fast asleep in a tiny little puddle of sick. It was adorable."
Professor Hayes added: "So far we've discovered a zebra that drinks like an Irishman and a badger with an insatiable thirst for Pinot Grigio. And then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey.
"We're now off to Thailand where we hope to discover how much Creme De Menthe you can pour into an elephant before it goes mental."
Cactussed said:
Somebody dig out the Ryanair pay toilets one as well. That was gold.. (or yellow and brown, as the case may be).
Voila!Dailymash said:
RYANAIR PLANES TO SMELL STRONGLY OF URINE AND FAECES
BUDGET airline Ryanair is to introduce the overwhelming stench of bodily waste to its 145 routes across Europe.
The company said that by removing the toilets, adding extra seats and transforming its planes into flying cesspits it was simply keeping pace with customer expectations.
Chief executive Michael O'Leary said: "Passengers should feel free to urinate on their seats or into a cup which they can then hand to the cabin crew who will be going up and down the aisle with a couple of buckets.
"Inevitably, given the nature of air travel, there will be some spillage, but the whole point of this policy is to make sure the aircraft is awash with as much human waste as possible.
"Anyone who has to expel solids can either turn round in their seat and try and squeeze it into the little magazine pocket, or they can take the magazine and squat in the aisle for a few minutes if that's more comfortable."
He added: "As always, Ryanair's first priority is the health and safety of our staff so we will be giving them climbing boots and crampons so they don't keep slipping in all that fresh dung."
Tom Logan, a frequent flyer from London, said: "I'm really looking forward to loading up on curry and Guinness and then going off like a muck spreader the next time I fly to Bratislava."
A spokesman for rivals easyJet said: "Letting people st and piss all over the plane... no, I don't think we'll be doing that."
BUDGET airline Ryanair is to introduce the overwhelming stench of bodily waste to its 145 routes across Europe.
The company said that by removing the toilets, adding extra seats and transforming its planes into flying cesspits it was simply keeping pace with customer expectations.
Chief executive Michael O'Leary said: "Passengers should feel free to urinate on their seats or into a cup which they can then hand to the cabin crew who will be going up and down the aisle with a couple of buckets.
"Inevitably, given the nature of air travel, there will be some spillage, but the whole point of this policy is to make sure the aircraft is awash with as much human waste as possible.
"Anyone who has to expel solids can either turn round in their seat and try and squeeze it into the little magazine pocket, or they can take the magazine and squat in the aisle for a few minutes if that's more comfortable."
He added: "As always, Ryanair's first priority is the health and safety of our staff so we will be giving them climbing boots and crampons so they don't keep slipping in all that fresh dung."
Tom Logan, a frequent flyer from London, said: "I'm really looking forward to loading up on curry and Guinness and then going off like a muck spreader the next time I fly to Bratislava."
A spokesman for rivals easyJet said: "Letting people s
t and piss all over the plane... no, I don't think we'll be doing that."dailymash said:
BROWN REFUSES TO HAND BACK PENSION
GORDON Brown last night dismissed calls to surrender his £123,000 a year pension when he is forced to stop being prime minister next June.
Mr Brown was defiant in the face of City outrage despite the UK government's annual operating loss of £100bn, rising to £1.5 trillion when the write-down of its banking assets is taken into account.
The prime minister said: "I've been building up this pension since I became an MP, it's all completely legal and now you want to take it away because I've been catastrophically bad at my job and you're looking for a scapegoat. What gives?"
He added: "Yes I've been in charge of financial regulation for 12 years, yes I encouraged the housing bubble, and yes I pissed billions up the wall giving pointless jobs to Labour voters, but I fail to see what any of this has to do with me being incredibly well off."
Brown's £3m pension pot is expected to cast the spotlight on the extravagant retirement packages of other failed politicians including Alistair Darling's inexplicable £1.7m and the £1.5m awarded to John Prescott for being a national scandal for 10 years.
Meanwhile Margaret Beckett has a fund worth £1.7m, something called 'Hilary Armstrong' has £1.2m and Tessa Jowell has £1m even though no-one has the faintest idea what any of them actually did.
Critics insist Mr Brown has a moral duty to hand back his pension fund as he will inevitably receive a multi-million pound advance for two volumes of eye-gougingly tedious memoirs which will end up in the bargain bucket at WH Smith within a fortnight.
Martin Bishop, head of pension rows at the Institute for Studies, said: "It's a fascinating dynamic. The politicians blame the bankers, the bankers blame the politicians, and the ordinary taxpayer is down on all fours with a confused look on his face, being fked at both ends."
GORDON Brown last night dismissed calls to surrender his £123,000 a year pension when he is forced to stop being prime minister next June.
Mr Brown was defiant in the face of City outrage despite the UK government's annual operating loss of £100bn, rising to £1.5 trillion when the write-down of its banking assets is taken into account.
The prime minister said: "I've been building up this pension since I became an MP, it's all completely legal and now you want to take it away because I've been catastrophically bad at my job and you're looking for a scapegoat. What gives?"
He added: "Yes I've been in charge of financial regulation for 12 years, yes I encouraged the housing bubble, and yes I pissed billions up the wall giving pointless jobs to Labour voters, but I fail to see what any of this has to do with me being incredibly well off."
Brown's £3m pension pot is expected to cast the spotlight on the extravagant retirement packages of other failed politicians including Alistair Darling's inexplicable £1.7m and the £1.5m awarded to John Prescott for being a national scandal for 10 years.
Meanwhile Margaret Beckett has a fund worth £1.7m, something called 'Hilary Armstrong' has £1.2m and Tessa Jowell has £1m even though no-one has the faintest idea what any of them actually did.
Critics insist Mr Brown has a moral duty to hand back his pension fund as he will inevitably receive a multi-million pound advance for two volumes of eye-gougingly tedious memoirs which will end up in the bargain bucket at WH Smith within a fortnight.
Martin Bishop, head of pension rows at the Institute for Studies, said: "It's a fascinating dynamic. The politicians blame the bankers, the bankers blame the politicians, and the ordinary taxpayer is down on all fours with a confused look on his face, being f
ked at both ends." 190E Matt said:
Link to the Giant Rat one...?
dailymash said:
'LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS F*CKING RAT' SAY ZOOLOGISTS Print E-mail
A NEW species of giant rat has been discovered in a remote region of New Guinea by a team of totally freaked-out zoologists.
The scientists, from the Institute for Studies, spotted the 'absolutely mental thing' during a five-day trek through the hazardous Foja mountains.
Expedition leader Professor Wayne Hayes said: "I was filling my water bottle when I saw this huge fking thing and I shouted to my mate Dave, I said, 'Dave, look at the size of that fker!' and Dave was like, 'Jesus Christ, it's a fking monster!
"I shouted over to Stevie and Ben, I said, 'get a look at this bd' and they're like 'no way, man, that's mental' - they were totally freaking out."
Professor Hayes added: "Ben was like, 'that's a rat, it's totally a rat' and I was going, 'naah, it's some kind of freaky beaver or a weird-looking, fked-up cat.'"
Dr David Hobbs added: "I was like, 'that's a mutant otter or something, it's bigger than my dog, for Christ's sake' and Wayne was saying we should catch it, and I was like, 'you fking catch it'.
"So anyway, we tell Stevie that it's his turn to catch something and he's like totally pissed off, but he tears after it anyway, shouting, 'come here you dirty big bd, I want to take your picture'."
Dr Steven McKay added: "We also trapped this manky little thing with huge eyes which they reckon is maybe a possum or a really big gerbil.
"Dave tried to give it a fruit pastille but it wasn't interested."
A NEW species of giant rat has been discovered in a remote region of New Guinea by a team of totally freaked-out zoologists.
The scientists, from the Institute for Studies, spotted the 'absolutely mental thing' during a five-day trek through the hazardous Foja mountains.
Expedition leader Professor Wayne Hayes said: "I was filling my water bottle when I saw this huge f
king thing and I shouted to my mate Dave, I said, 'Dave, look at the size of that fker!' and Dave was like, 'Jesus Christ, it's a fking monster!"I shouted over to Stevie and Ben, I said, 'get a look at this b
d' and they're like 'no way, man, that's mental' - they were totally freaking out."Professor Hayes added: "Ben was like, 'that's a rat, it's totally a rat' and I was going, 'naah, it's some kind of freaky beaver or a weird-looking, f
ked-up cat.'"Dr David Hobbs added: "I was like, 'that's a mutant otter or something, it's bigger than my dog, for Christ's sake' and Wayne was saying we should catch it, and I was like, 'you f
king catch it'."So anyway, we tell Stevie that it's his turn to catch something and he's like totally pissed off, but he tears after it anyway, shouting, 'come here you dirty big b
d, I want to take your picture'."Dr Steven McKay added: "We also trapped this manky little thing with huge eyes which they reckon is maybe a possum or a really big gerbil.
"Dave tried to give it a fruit pastille but it wasn't interested."
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