Women.... and Money. Oil & Water?
Discussion
Firstly this isn't a PH cry for help - just hope it is fairly cathartic and a few shared experiences can put some scope on the scale of the issue I'm dealing with. I'm expecting the usual banter (SWT's etc), It wouldn't be PH if that wasn't forthcoming. 
In a nutshell we both earn same amount of take home per month - it gets pooled into a joint current account. Lump some goes out and sorts mortgage/utility bills etc. We have then agreed to take the same amount each out of the current A/C, during the month to ensure we have our own financial autonomy. It isn't a kings ransom (but will incrase over time - that is the theory) but certainly enough to enjoy ourselves on (me at least!) for the time being. We pay for all our food, fuel and bogo house stuff on a joint credit card (I'm the original cardholder). At the end of the month, the card is cleared from funds in the current A/C and process starts all over again. Idea is to try and stay in the black… Life throws difficulties from time-to-time but the general idea is to keep in the black, right?
Problem has occurred when my missus has started putting her (IMHO) rather unhealthy attitude with retail therapy on both the household credit card and also has taken to dipping into our current account as well (In addition to her spends) - It is to the tune of 300-400/month. Bottom line is whilst things aren't in completely screwed up mess yet, it isn't getting any better and we seem to be in a bit a downward spiral. The other half, despite some protestations from myself, refuses to change her habits. I reckon she's got a bit of OCD with the shopping (all clothes/shoes/bags etc) and it all is very much focused on herself. Refuses to talk when the subject is raised or very quickly losses rationality and gets argumentative.
All seems a bit
- especially from a blokes point of view. If I spunked money and got us into debt due to my interests (And I quite easily could ), I wouldn't be very comfortable with myself. This prevailing attitude doesn't appear to be shared.
Anybody had any similar experience and resolved it - I mean as amicably as possible.
In a nutshell we both earn same amount of take home per month - it gets pooled into a joint current account. Lump some goes out and sorts mortgage/utility bills etc. We have then agreed to take the same amount each out of the current A/C, during the month to ensure we have our own financial autonomy. It isn't a kings ransom (but will incrase over time - that is the theory) but certainly enough to enjoy ourselves on (me at least!) for the time being. We pay for all our food, fuel and bogo house stuff on a joint credit card (I'm the original cardholder). At the end of the month, the card is cleared from funds in the current A/C and process starts all over again. Idea is to try and stay in the black… Life throws difficulties from time-to-time but the general idea is to keep in the black, right?
Problem has occurred when my missus has started putting her (IMHO) rather unhealthy attitude with retail therapy on both the household credit card and also has taken to dipping into our current account as well (In addition to her spends) - It is to the tune of 300-400/month. Bottom line is whilst things aren't in completely screwed up mess yet, it isn't getting any better and we seem to be in a bit a downward spiral. The other half, despite some protestations from myself, refuses to change her habits. I reckon she's got a bit of OCD with the shopping (all clothes/shoes/bags etc) and it all is very much focused on herself. Refuses to talk when the subject is raised or very quickly losses rationality and gets argumentative.
All seems a bit
- especially from a blokes point of view. If I spunked money and got us into debt due to my interests (And I quite easily could ), I wouldn't be very comfortable with myself. This prevailing attitude doesn't appear to be shared.Anybody had any similar experience and resolved it - I mean as amicably as possible.
IF she is getting defensive, irrational and argumentative it sounds like she may have a problem.
Seriously I would get it sorted out now before you find the hidden CC with 20k on it like my mate did recently.
Remember though if she gets hysterical a good sharp quick slap to the cheek usually sorts these females out
Yours
Mr Cholmondley-Warner
Seriously I would get it sorted out now before you find the hidden CC with 20k on it like my mate did recently.
Remember though if she gets hysterical a good sharp quick slap to the cheek usually sorts these females out
Yours
Mr Cholmondley-Warner
Sheets Tabuer said:
IF she is getting defensive, irrational and argumentative it sounds like she may have a problem.
Seriously I would get it sorted out now before you find the hidden CC with 20k on it like my mate did recently.
Get it sorted now. Either she's got a 'shopaholic' problem, or she's using retail therapy to make up for some perceived 'lacking' in her life. Find out which before it goes too far and all goes South.......Watch for the symptoms like these as women rarely approach things in a straightforward fashion using (normal) logic.Seriously I would get it sorted out now before you find the hidden CC with 20k on it like my mate did recently.
Money for the joint payment as a direct debit from each of your own individual accounts
If she wants to go down that path it is her business. No point getting yourself into trouble over it.
It's what we do and it works. She doesn't complain about me spending money on the car and I don't complain about her buying clothes.
If she wants to go down that path it is her business. No point getting yourself into trouble over it.
It's what we do and it works. She doesn't complain about me spending money on the car and I don't complain about her buying clothes.
You have made the classic mistake of assuming women have self control when it comes to money. Money, for the female of the species, is for the accumulation of accessories, that is handbags, shoes and cosmetics.
The only viable option left for you now is to close all the accounts and take full control of the finances.
Ensure that enough money is dispensed to the "little woman" to purchase the essentials food water e.t.c. allow her the privilage of paying the houshold overheads, gas, water, electric and the milkman, but, and remember this, there has to be a small amount leftover that she can ferret away for a rainy day, which will include those little treats she will indulge in.
The big ticket items should be decided upon by the male in the household, and the rest of the dependents in the home should be reminded of this on a regular basis.
Hope that has been helpful.
The only viable option left for you now is to close all the accounts and take full control of the finances.
Ensure that enough money is dispensed to the "little woman" to purchase the essentials food water e.t.c. allow her the privilage of paying the houshold overheads, gas, water, electric and the milkman, but, and remember this, there has to be a small amount leftover that she can ferret away for a rainy day, which will include those little treats she will indulge in.
The big ticket items should be decided upon by the male in the household, and the rest of the dependents in the home should be reminded of this on a regular basis.
Hope that has been helpful.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
This is the solution. Of course, the question as to whether or not she will start to "dip into" the joint bills account is something to work on.
I'd also say is she happy with work, family etc.. because I assume she is shopping to make herself happy and make up for something.
She could well be hiding other cards/loans. Get a copy of your credit report and she will be named under 'financial associations' bas you have a joint account. It will then detail what applications she has made recently but will not tell you the amounts or whether she took out the credit. At least that gives you an idea if you are being lied to.
She'll not like facing up to this and she's already gone some way to avoid the matter.
Grow some gonads and get her sorted, no matter how much she digs her Jimmy Choos in!
She'll not like facing up to this and she's already gone some way to avoid the matter.
Grow some gonads and get her sorted, no matter how much she digs her Jimmy Choos in!
Biggest mistake - having a joint account and using it in the way you are!!
We have our own bank accounts, and manage our own money. No arguments, no fuss, no stress.
I earn the lions share, so pay most of the bills, and the bills I am responsible for come straight out of my account, and the bills OH pays come straight out of her account, less to go wrong!
We do have a joint account but I dont touch it, OH uses it to put aside cash for her tax bill (self employed)
Have to say I dont agree with the generalisation that women are cack with money - My OH is very savvy with her cash and is a saver not a spender - she has her moments of impulse spending but they are few and far between....
On the other hand I spend money like its going out of fashion - as long as my bills are paid and I have put a couple of quid in my ISA, what remains is squandered!
We have our own bank accounts, and manage our own money. No arguments, no fuss, no stress.
I earn the lions share, so pay most of the bills, and the bills I am responsible for come straight out of my account, and the bills OH pays come straight out of her account, less to go wrong!
We do have a joint account but I dont touch it, OH uses it to put aside cash for her tax bill (self employed)
Have to say I dont agree with the generalisation that women are cack with money - My OH is very savvy with her cash and is a saver not a spender - she has her moments of impulse spending but they are few and far between....
On the other hand I spend money like its going out of fashion - as long as my bills are paid and I have put a couple of quid in my ISA, what remains is squandered!
Why don't you agree an amount for bills only and split it into the joint account. Neither of you have a card for it, its purely for bills.
She then HAS to use her own account?
We've recently changed from all our money in 1 pot (I earn a bit more), to just splitting bills/food/petrol. The rest is our money. Anything like insurance comes along and we'll split it. I think it will mean we both keep an eye on a smaller portion of money, so therefore can save/not spend silly money. (previously she never looked at the bank, just spent and assumed it was ok)
She then HAS to use her own account?
We've recently changed from all our money in 1 pot (I earn a bit more), to just splitting bills/food/petrol. The rest is our money. Anything like insurance comes along and we'll split it. I think it will mean we both keep an eye on a smaller portion of money, so therefore can save/not spend silly money. (previously she never looked at the bank, just spent and assumed it was ok)
Clear all of your money out of any joint account and into your own.
Do NOT move out when she suggests it - stay in the house and don't allow her to change locks.
Seek legal advice.
Are there kids involved? - thats when it gets messy.
Ohh hold on, she hasn't asked you to leave yet! Oops my mistake! Jumping the gun. Best you file this away for a month or two - cos with the amount of respect she's showing, you're going to need it
Do NOT move out when she suggests it - stay in the house and don't allow her to change locks.
Seek legal advice.
Are there kids involved? - thats when it gets messy.
Ohh hold on, she hasn't asked you to leave yet! Oops my mistake! Jumping the gun. Best you file this away for a month or two - cos with the amount of respect she's showing, you're going to need it
I suggest you start by telling her who's the boss, always goes down well. Any backchat and it’s over the knee for a good spanking. This'll establish your moral superiority and is great fun, assuming the other half isn't a munter. Remove all her credit cards and cut them in half. Have her salary paid into an account in your sole name. Her spending money to be dispensed according to how amenable she is to your very reasonable marital demands, both sexual and domestic chores. This isn't just me giving untried advice; I have used this system on all my ex-wives. 
Edited by ianash on Tuesday 28th April 10:19
ked anyway.Never thought I'd respond to a money/relationship thread like this but I am... must be getting older responsible, or something.
I have to agree with the others, you HAVE to talk with her about it. Sounds like she is really trying to avoid the subject but if it carries on then as others have said, there is no chance of it getting better - only worse.
When I moved in together with my gf in the mid of last year, she suggested a joint account. I choked at the idea but she said it would just be to pay bills and joint things - we'd still have our own accounts into which our salaries are paid. Seemed like a sensible idea so we opened it and have had no problems at all. She earns quite a bit more than me but what I don't spend on my half of the bills gets kept for me. Some goes into savings, sometimes I treat her/us and the rest stays there.
In short - you HAVE to speak to her, then when it is all in the open get your own accounts. Salary goes in there, transfer a certain amount each month into the joint account for joint things, nothing else.
Oh and lastly... good luck!
I have to agree with the others, you HAVE to talk with her about it. Sounds like she is really trying to avoid the subject but if it carries on then as others have said, there is no chance of it getting better - only worse.
When I moved in together with my gf in the mid of last year, she suggested a joint account. I choked at the idea but she said it would just be to pay bills and joint things - we'd still have our own accounts into which our salaries are paid. Seemed like a sensible idea so we opened it and have had no problems at all. She earns quite a bit more than me but what I don't spend on my half of the bills gets kept for me. Some goes into savings, sometimes I treat her/us and the rest stays there.
In short - you HAVE to speak to her, then when it is all in the open get your own accounts. Salary goes in there, transfer a certain amount each month into the joint account for joint things, nothing else.
Oh and lastly... good luck!
LeoZwalf said:
Never thought I'd respond to a money/relationship thread like this but I am... must be getting older responsible, or something.
I have to agree with the others, you HAVE to talk with her about it. Sounds like she is really trying to avoid the subject but if it carries on then as others have said, there is no chance of it getting better - only worse.
you could hedge your bets by doing the same as she's done thus far, give the money to someone you really trust to hold onto or buy some used expensive watches that won't lose too much in value (you'll have to pick these carefully). She has NO respect for you and an issue with how she spends money.I have to agree with the others, you HAVE to talk with her about it. Sounds like she is really trying to avoid the subject but if it carries on then as others have said, there is no chance of it getting better - only worse.
It may give her a wake up call when she realises you can be equally wreckless with your spending (though I doubt it)
Would now be a bad time to try and sell you my mini shell then?!
My missus is also shockingly bad with money. She's even managed to buy 2 horses that turned out to be complete rubbish. Total loss so far is running at £4K for the horses. She's also been out of work for 18 months out of the 3.5 years that we've lived in our current house. Any discussion always turns into an argument, mainly because I earn a bit more money than her and refuse to completely curb my spending to cover her uselessness. Only time will tell whether I end up selling her or just getting angry enough to bury her in the garden.
My missus is also shockingly bad with money. She's even managed to buy 2 horses that turned out to be complete rubbish. Total loss so far is running at £4K for the horses. She's also been out of work for 18 months out of the 3.5 years that we've lived in our current house. Any discussion always turns into an argument, mainly because I earn a bit more money than her and refuse to completely curb my spending to cover her uselessness. Only time will tell whether I end up selling her or just getting angry enough to bury her in the garden.
Snake the Sniper said:
Would now be a bad time to try and sell you my mini shell then?!
My missus is also shockingly bad with money. She's even managed to buy 2 horses that turned out to be complete rubbish. Total loss so far is running at £4K for the horses. She's also been out of work for 18 months out of the 3.5 years that we've lived in our current house. Any discussion always turns into an argument, mainly because I earn a bit more money than her and refuse to completely curb my spending to cover her uselessness. Only time will tell whether I end up selling her or just getting angry enough to bury her in the garden.
Don't whatever you do bury her in the garden, it's the first place they always look. Take her down near the railway tracks and bury her there with the others. My missus is also shockingly bad with money. She's even managed to buy 2 horses that turned out to be complete rubbish. Total loss so far is running at £4K for the horses. She's also been out of work for 18 months out of the 3.5 years that we've lived in our current house. Any discussion always turns into an argument, mainly because I earn a bit more money than her and refuse to completely curb my spending to cover her uselessness. Only time will tell whether I end up selling her or just getting angry enough to bury her in the garden.
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