Discussion
> NEVER SAY TO A COP
>
> 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
>
> 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
>plugged
>in.
>
>
>
> 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
>
> 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
>Good job!
>
> 5. Are You Andy or Barney?
>
>
> 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition
>to be
>a
>police officer.
>
> 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
>
> 8. I pay your salary!
>
> 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
>warning, too!
>
>
>
> 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us
> does.
>
> 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
>other
>cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
>
> 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you
>been
>drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes
look
>glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
>
Santa and the Police Officer
City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
Nice bike", the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
Yep", thel ittle girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation.
The cop said,
"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the copy and said,
"Nice horse you got there sir, didS anta bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse not on top.
>>> Edited by rviant on Thursday 27th November 10:45
>>> Edited by rviant on Thursday 27th November 10:46
>
> 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
>
> 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
>plugged
>in.
>
>
>
> 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
>
> 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
>Good job!
>
> 5. Are You Andy or Barney?
>
>
> 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition
>to be
>a
>police officer.
>
> 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
>
> 8. I pay your salary!
>
> 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
>warning, too!
>
>
>
> 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us
> does.
>
> 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
>other
>cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
>
> 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you
>been
>drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes
look
>glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
>
Santa and the Police Officer
City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
Nice bike", the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
Yep", thel ittle girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation.
The cop said,
"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the copy and said,
"Nice horse you got there sir, didS anta bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse not on top.
>>> Edited by rviant on Thursday 27th November 10:45
>>> Edited by rviant on Thursday 27th November 10:46
all night drinkstable...
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: HA! Oh boy, that's a good one. I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: HA! Oh boy, that's a good one. I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
A Man who is pissed as a fart is driving along Blackpool sea front at 2am with no lights, when a constable flags him down.....
Where have you just come from? the constable asks...
"The Lodge" says the driver, do you want a lift?
"Yes please" says the constable, (who was from the masonic fraternity.
Further down the road an inspector flags the car down...
"Where have you come from?" the inspector asks
The constable leans out of the window and says..."It's OK sir, he's come from the Lodge, do you want a lift"?
The inspector gets in, and all three of them swerve off down the road...
Near the Pleasure Beach a chief inspector flags the car down and says "Where have you been?"
The Inspector leans out of the other window and says "It's OK sir, he's been to The Lodge, would you like a lift?"
So all four of them are driving along, and the constable says to the driver "By the way, which Lodge have you been to?"
and he says.......
"Yates's wine Lodge!"
Where have you just come from? the constable asks...
"The Lodge" says the driver, do you want a lift?
"Yes please" says the constable, (who was from the masonic fraternity.
Further down the road an inspector flags the car down...
"Where have you come from?" the inspector asks
The constable leans out of the window and says..."It's OK sir, he's come from the Lodge, do you want a lift"?
The inspector gets in, and all three of them swerve off down the road...
Near the Pleasure Beach a chief inspector flags the car down and says "Where have you been?"
The Inspector leans out of the other window and says "It's OK sir, he's been to The Lodge, would you like a lift?"
So all four of them are driving along, and the constable says to the driver "By the way, which Lodge have you been to?"
and he says.......
"Yates's wine Lodge!"
Have posted this before a long time ago but some may not have seen it...and it still makes me laugh:
The SAS, the army and the police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top.
After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.
First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods information. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent" says the trainer.
Next up are the army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers. Walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs. "What the hell do you think you're doing ?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours go!"
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night. The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises. "Are you taking the piss ?" asks the seriously irate trainer. The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f**king rabbit !"
The SAS, the army and the police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top.
After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.
First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods information. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent" says the trainer.
Next up are the army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers. Walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs. "What the hell do you think you're doing ?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours go!"
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night. The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises. "Are you taking the piss ?" asks the seriously irate trainer. The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f**king rabbit !"
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