English language genius required please

[elster]

I have a small personal statement that could do with going over with a fine tooth comb.

Does anyone fancy doing me a huge favour a going over it for me?

If local there will be a beer in it for you.

This is the download link to gigasize

This is a link to a .doc of the file on gigasize

Edited by elster on Tuesday 16th June 07:36

[cs02rm0]

after leaving school -> since leaving school

installations and circuit design and construction -> installations, circuit design and construction

realized -> realised

as personally -> (delete, you've just said "for me")

network Rails -> Network Rail's

reasons this -> reasons, this


I haven't got any experience with reading personal statements really, but it reads fairly well to me. Try and read through though with two (maybe three) different highlighters - mark each sentence or clause depending on whether it's in the past or present (maybe future) tenses. It reads to me like you're constantly switching between the past and present which is a little awkward sounding.

Good luck.

[elster]

Thanks.

I will make those changes. I will go through with a highlighter shortly and see what it looks like.

Good idea.

[crofty1984]

elster said:

Thanks.

I will make those changes. I will go through with a highlighter shortly and see what it looks like.

Like a zebra at a rave I imagine.

[texasjohn]

crofty1984 said:

elster said:

Thanks.

I will make those changes. I will go through with a highlighter shortly and see what it looks like.

Like a zebra at a rave I imagine.

very good

[Bec]

The advice so far is good, in addition you may want to expand some sections (although I do realise there are also space constraints).

For example, you mention that you have been running the family business, what does this do, how many people does it employ??

In the first paragraph you use the word "work" several times in quick succession, I would try to vary this, e.g. my specific roles have been varied rather than the work I have carried out.

2nd paragraph I would say something like: "In my current role I have several people reporting to me, whilst at the same time ensuring that I also work as part of the overall team" instead of In my current role I have to manage several people at the same time, while also being part of a team.

Instead of A lot of the projects I think that something like "Many of the projects we have been engaged on...."

Paragraphs 3 and 4 look fine

5th paragraph; change "this in turn" to "which, in turn"

Last paragraph: I think "would like to follow as a career path: sounds better than "would like to follow this as a career path" I think the last sentence could be worded better, I wasn't sure whether you wanted to be part of the companies using electronics as part of their core, or the specialist companies where work is outsourced to.

I think (from my foggy memory of what should be included in a personal statement) that you have included all the relevant information, the only point I would add is to look at the overall order of the statement - you start with some of your interests and what you have been doing recently, then move back to your interest in the future of the industry, before going on to describe some of the projects you have worked on and then your school years. The overall statement may appear more organised if you use a chronological approach - either working from your current experience backwards, or starting as you do now, then covering schooling and other education, work experience and finally your interests and what you would like to do in the future.

Good luck anyway

[Ross1988]

I can't open the file, but i would be interested in reading it.

I see some of it mentions Network Rail. If this happens to for a UCAS application for Engineering on the railway, then i have some bad news. All the spots have already been allocated. I found this out today.

But if its not, good luck!

[elster]

Ross1988 said:

I can't open the file, but i would be interested in reading it.

I see some of it mentions Network Rail. If this happens to for a UCAS application for Engineering on the railway, then i have some bad news. All the spots have already been allocated. I found this out today.

But if its not, good luck!

God not the railway no.

For electronic engineering, was just an example of one of projects worked on.

I will pop it up as a .doc.

[Fume troll]

http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/files/howto.pdf

and the first couple of pages of http://www.spe.org/spe-site/spe/spe/papers/authors...

are useful.

Cheers,

FT.

[elster]

Ross1988 said:

I can't open the file, but i would be interested in reading it.

I see some of it mentions Network Rail. If this happens to for a UCAS application for Engineering on the railway, then i have some bad news. All the spots have already been allocated. I found this out today.

But if its not, good luck!

Here it is a .doc

This is a link to a .doc of the file on gigasize

Fume Troll-I will read through those plain english guides and see what I need to do.

Bec-I can't really expland as I am up to the limit for all but two lines. They don't give you much space to explain my entire life. I thought putting what I have done professionally over my hobbies was preferable. I have also had to cut a few sentences out, just to make it shorter.

As for the gramatical mistakes I have changed those, thank you.

Edited by elster on Tuesday 16th June 07:35

[Fume troll]

As Bec says, it seems to cover all the points, but jumps around a bit. Try giving each paragraph a heading which summarises the information which that paragraph is supposed to convey. You don't need to leave the headings in later, but they should help you focus on which information you want to include and where.

Something like:

Intro
Education
Work History
Short and Medium term goals
Interests outside work/education
Summary

Not sure if you've seen this: http://www.studential.com/guide/write_personal_sta...

Cheers,

FT.