What to do - OH doesn't like my son...
Discussion
Posting using another account for "I don't want to be identified" reasons.
I've been divorced and I have a 4 year old son. I since have a new girlfriend and a lovely one year old daughter. I see my son most Sundays where I'll leave home at 1030 to pick him up, back in an hour and take him home at about 5 - this has been working (moreorless) for a while with some dips where he's refused to get in the car a few times.
Recently, however, his behaviour has been difficult - he cries at mealtimes (even when offered child friendly basics - chips, etc), he cries when someone he doesn't know talks to him and, ultimately, cries a lot. His behaviour is, to be frank, spoilt. I've mentioned this to his Mother who regularly comes back with ridiculous excuses for him which doesn't really help.
It's put a huge strain on Sundays and we are at the point where I sometimes don't look forward to seeing him as I know what the day might be like (I do want to see him, it's more his behaviour I don't look forward to). My OH has, over time, come to really dislike him (she makes excuses that it's his behaviour/mannerisms/etc she doesn't like, but we've been arguing about this for about a week and things she's said make it clear it's him she doesn't like).
His behaviour is, to be honest, attention seeking - When it's just me and him, he's happy enough, but I can't spoil him as that sends out all the wrong messages. My OH resents his spoilt behaviour and she constantly accuses me of pandering to him and spoiling him (which I don't - I have done, but I don't any more) - She also resents his time spent with us as even though it's (usually) just the Sunday we have him, it spoils the whole weekend as we're on edge and it means that we can't have a relaxed time and give equal attention to our daughter.
I know it's tough for the OH as she isn't coping well with it as she struggles to deal with other people's kids' bad behaviour, let alone one who spends time with us and didn't ever anticipate this. She has said that if it was anyone elses kids, there's no way she'd subject herself to this and cut ties with the child (I'm paraphrasing there)
It's tough for us as we don't know how to cope as I can't stop seeing my son, we can't do things separately at the weekend, doing things together at the weekend is s
tty and splitting up would make us just as unhappy. So as a result, we seem to exist, unhappily.
Secretly, I think she'd want me to stop seeing my son so it's just the three of us, but I (and she) know full well that come to I'd resent her, possibly eventually my daughter, definitely eventually myself, my family would never talk to me ever again, her family would lose respect for me and I'd probably lose respect for myself.
So, short of changing my name and leaving the hemisphere, what can I do - I certainly can't be alone in having a partner that doesn't like their child?
Waits for abuse here
I've been divorced and I have a 4 year old son. I since have a new girlfriend and a lovely one year old daughter. I see my son most Sundays where I'll leave home at 1030 to pick him up, back in an hour and take him home at about 5 - this has been working (moreorless) for a while with some dips where he's refused to get in the car a few times.
Recently, however, his behaviour has been difficult - he cries at mealtimes (even when offered child friendly basics - chips, etc), he cries when someone he doesn't know talks to him and, ultimately, cries a lot. His behaviour is, to be frank, spoilt. I've mentioned this to his Mother who regularly comes back with ridiculous excuses for him which doesn't really help.
It's put a huge strain on Sundays and we are at the point where I sometimes don't look forward to seeing him as I know what the day might be like (I do want to see him, it's more his behaviour I don't look forward to). My OH has, over time, come to really dislike him (she makes excuses that it's his behaviour/mannerisms/etc she doesn't like, but we've been arguing about this for about a week and things she's said make it clear it's him she doesn't like).
His behaviour is, to be honest, attention seeking - When it's just me and him, he's happy enough, but I can't spoil him as that sends out all the wrong messages. My OH resents his spoilt behaviour and she constantly accuses me of pandering to him and spoiling him (which I don't - I have done, but I don't any more) - She also resents his time spent with us as even though it's (usually) just the Sunday we have him, it spoils the whole weekend as we're on edge and it means that we can't have a relaxed time and give equal attention to our daughter.
I know it's tough for the OH as she isn't coping well with it as she struggles to deal with other people's kids' bad behaviour, let alone one who spends time with us and didn't ever anticipate this. She has said that if it was anyone elses kids, there's no way she'd subject herself to this and cut ties with the child (I'm paraphrasing there)
It's tough for us as we don't know how to cope as I can't stop seeing my son, we can't do things separately at the weekend, doing things together at the weekend is s
tty and splitting up would make us just as unhappy. So as a result, we seem to exist, unhappily.Secretly, I think she'd want me to stop seeing my son so it's just the three of us, but I (and she) know full well that come to I'd resent her, possibly eventually my daughter, definitely eventually myself, my family would never talk to me ever again, her family would lose respect for me and I'd probably lose respect for myself.
So, short of changing my name and leaving the hemisphere, what can I do - I certainly can't be alone in having a partner that doesn't like their child?
Waits for abuse here
not a nice situation at all that my friend you have my sympathy.
sounds like your son is being spoiled though and since you only see him once a week it suggests to me that its coming from his other home. you need to try and sort this with the Ex and tell her to stop making poor excuses.
sounds like your son is being spoiled though and since you only see him once a week it suggests to me that its coming from his other home. you need to try and sort this with the Ex and tell her to stop making poor excuses.
sounds like a little boy who is a bit lost. you need to put yourself in his shoes, and understand that you are the most important man in his life. he needs you and doesnt understand what is happening with the broken relationship.
maybe he is acting spoilt, and maybe that's ok in the situation. maybe he needs you to hold his hand and be his dad. and maybe he is picking up on your views and the views of your new partner.
your his dad you guide him, now get on with it.
maybe he is acting spoilt, and maybe that's ok in the situation. maybe he needs you to hold his hand and be his dad. and maybe he is picking up on your views and the views of your new partner.
your his dad you guide him, now get on with it.
road_rager said:
Justayellowbadge said:
Your son doesn't sound spoilt.
He sounds like a small child who's parents are divorced and he's not doing a great job of coping.
agree 100% with this... sorry.... 4 is still very youngHe sounds like a small child who's parents are divorced and he's not doing a great job of coping.
He doesn't stay over yet as it's not something that has been sorted out yet and I don't think she'd cope with it as he'd want to go home to Mummy.
I'm at a bit of a crossroads as I really don't know whether it'd be easier to go our separate ways and to work out access to both kids separately. I love my OH, but I hate this situation as it's making us both unhappy and our lives are a bit of a misery as a result.
Jeremy Kyle anyone?
Bob Upanddown said:
I love my OH, but I hate this situation as it's making us both unhappy and our lives are a bit of a misery as a result.
And his is a 24hr non-stop fking garden party? Grow up and sort your priorities.
And now you're suggesting doing a runner on another kid?
Jesus.
Edited by Justayellowbadge on Friday 19th June 12:06
Justayellowbadge said:
Bob Upanddown said:
I love my OH, but I hate this situation as it's making us both unhappy and our lives are a bit of a misery as a result.
And his is a 24hr non-stop fking garden party? Grow up and sort your priorities.
How should the OP arrange his life to ensure everyone is happy(ish).
sday12 said:
He's 4 FFS and you've done one, and you are surprised he's acting up?
It was 2 and a half years ago that I split with his Mum.Murray993 said:
sounds like a little boy who is a bit lost. you need to put yourself in his shoes, and understand that you are the most important man in his life. he needs you and doesnt understand what is happening with the broken relationship.
maybe he is acting spoilt, and maybe that's ok in the situation. maybe he needs you to hold his hand and be his dad. and maybe he is picking up on your views and the views of your new partner.
your his dad you guide him, now get on with it.
I hate seeing him cry as I've caused him so much pain and upheavel (sp?) - There's a guilt angle in it if I'm honest as I know what I've done and it's something I will forever feel guilt for. (But I couldn't stay with his Mum as it was wrong).maybe he is acting spoilt, and maybe that's ok in the situation. maybe he needs you to hold his hand and be his dad. and maybe he is picking up on your views and the views of your new partner.
your his dad you guide him, now get on with it.
What my OH sees, though, is me giving him all the attention and she doesn't understand (or even see) that he might be affected like this - even after all this time. So she gets angry as she seems me treating them unequally and it spirals from there.
We've argued about this a LOT and it's something that is getting hard and tiring - And I wonder if it's even worth it any more. She's down about it and what annoys me is that she often doesn't see that she's not the only one that this is affecting - I'm affected too and her saying things like "you (me) can have an argument and forget that it happened" - no, I try to move on from an argument and she holds on to things and throws them back in my face (even things that happened months/years ago) as she (even by her own admission) can't let things go.
Why does it almost feel like I'm making my own conclusions here?
Fittster said:
Justayellowbadge said:
Bob Upanddown said:
I love my OH, but I hate this situation as it's making us both unhappy and our lives are a bit of a misery as a result.
And his is a 24hr non-stop fking garden party? Grow up and sort your priorities.
How should the OP arrange his life to ensure everyone is happy(ish).
I'm not suggesting that I do a runner on both kids, I'm more thinking about a way to resolve this without causing even more heartache.
I've also left out a lot of facets of his behaviour which leads to the "spoilt" conclusion.
ETA:
I do not want to give up - I do not want to walk away from anyone - I need some help as to how to help him and my OH. Walking away is something that I don't even want to consider.
Father of the year? No, perhaps not, but I want to be a better Dad.
I've also left out a lot of facets of his behaviour which leads to the "spoilt" conclusion.
ETA:
I do not want to give up - I do not want to walk away from anyone - I need some help as to how to help him and my OH. Walking away is something that I don't even want to consider.
Father of the year? No, perhaps not, but I want to be a better Dad.
Edited by Bob Upanddown on Friday 19th June 12:17
Do something just the two of you on a Sunday.
Can you imagine going to someones house who you know doesn't like you? And you are four years old wondering why you only get get to see your Dad, who left you for God knows what reason, one day a week for a few hours.
You spend Lord knows how much time with your missus and the other little un, and she is fretting over how you don't spend all, ever second of Sunday with them.
Some people shouldn't be allowed to breed or have relationships at all.
Can you imagine going to someones house who you know doesn't like you? And you are four years old wondering why you only get get to see your Dad, who left you for God knows what reason, one day a week for a few hours.
You spend Lord knows how much time with your missus and the other little un, and she is fretting over how you don't spend all, ever second of Sunday with them.
Some people shouldn't be allowed to breed or have relationships at all.
Who's to say the OP "did a runner"? That's a distinctly unfair label.
Sounds to me that your both your OH and your son are acting like 4 year olds...but only one of them has the excuse of actually being 4 years old.
As suggested, maybe it's time to spend the day with just you and him, see how that goes, then see from there.
And that's a good suggestion to pursue more than one day a week if possible?
fk me, some people can't help but kick a bloke when he's down on here. God forbid you ever need advice.
Sounds to me that your both your OH and your son are acting like 4 year olds...but only one of them has the excuse of actually being 4 years old.
As suggested, maybe it's time to spend the day with just you and him, see how that goes, then see from there.
And that's a good suggestion to pursue more than one day a week if possible?
f
k me, some people can't help but kick a bloke when he's down on here. God forbid you ever need advice.Edited by DrTre on Friday 19th June 12:20
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