Best Man Speech............Punch line needed!

[dazmm]

I'm after a punch line for my Best Mans speech.
I've actually written it all, but am struggling on a punchline for the first paragraph, which is below. I've asked around at work but have only come up with one suggestion. So as some of the replies on here are extremely witty I thought I'ld ask.

''Good afternoon Ladies and Gents.
Here we are the time everyone looks forward to, the highlight of the day. Where one person either fails or succeeds.
Where you’re all anticipating a literary masterpiece full of wit, humour and plenty of derogatory comments at the Grooms expense and ending with a standing ovation. Well there’s only going to be one way to achieve that, so I’ve...........................!''

Work response was.....
''printed out Evertons achievemnets for 2009''

This response was funny at work as our colleague supports them, but the Groom doesn't support any sport at all...and the puchline needs to appeal to a wider group.

Thanks for reading and even more thanks for any repies.

[Justayellowbadge]

You footballists really are very odd.

[Los Palmas 7]

dazmm said:

Well there’s only going to be one way to achieve that, so I’ve...........................!''

Shat my pants.

[Cara Van Man]

Justayellowbadge said:

You footballists really are very odd.

Shut it, uphill skiist.

Not all of us could afford yachts.

[Shake&Bake]

"So I've decided this is the most appropriate time to tell my best friend, that I have been nobbing his new wife for the past 6 months"

Await standing ovation.

[Cara Van Man]

"Got the reciept for all his visits to the local massage parlour"

<unrolls long till sheet>

No?

Okay.

[Big Bad Ben]

"asked the bride to make the speech in my place"?

[staceyb]

Ask the bride to put her hand on the table, then ask the groom to put his hand on top of it. Congratulate the groom for having the upper hand for the last time in his marriage.

[Cara Van Man]

staceyb said:

Ask the bride to put her hand on the table, then ask the groom to put his hand on top of it. Congratulate the groom for having the upper hand for the last time in his marriage.

so, so true..............

[dazmm]

Big Bad Ben said:

"asked the bride to make the speech in my place"?

Thanks Ben, Something along the lines of what i was after.

I initially was going to say ''Ive put all your names in a hat and the name drwan will stand in for me''

My other half said it didn't go.

[mouseymousey]

Seems an odd way to write a speech to me. If you can't think of a punchline then just change the first paragraph.

[Matt_N]

mouseymousey said:

Seems an odd way to write a speech to me. If you can't think of a punchline then just change the first paragraph.

Yeh, the paragraph seems very awkward to me, can see you getting tongue tied!

[mouseymousey]

Or, if you're not going to rewrite the first paragraph how about something along the lines of

"so the longer you clap, the longer the bar will stay open tonight"

or

"the groom has offered to pay £20 to every person who claps loudly at the end of my speech, please see him before the first dance to collect your money"

[dazmm]

mouseymousey said:

Seems an odd way to write a speech to me. If you can't think of a punchline then just change the first paragraph.

I've 3 weeks to the big day, So if I can't come up with anything I will.

[Neil_H]

"..asked a bunch or strangers on the internet to do it, while I bashed myself off to some porn"

[dibbly_dobbler]

Ditch all that and begin with this 'Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. The last time I stood up in front of this many people I was found guilty and fined £250 so you'll forgive me if I'm feeling a little nervous'

[paulmurr]

Throw a packet of ciggies at the Bride's father and say...

... Here's 20 camels for your daughter.

[Jasandjules]

dazmm said:

''Good afternoon Ladies and Gents.
Here we are the time everyone looks forward to, the highlight of the day. Where one person either fails or succeeds.
Where you’re all anticipating a literary masterpiece full of wit, humour and plenty of derogatory comments at the Grooms expense and ending with a standing ovation. Well there’s only going to be one way to achieve that, so I’ve...........................!''

Decided not to give a speech at all.

Just kidding, and then on to the next paragraph....

[convert]

...prepared a speech about marriage; pure an simple.

Insert Bride's name is pure, and insert Groom's name is simple.

[TheD]

paulmurr said:

Throw a packet of ciggies at the Bride's father and say...

... Here's 20 camels for your daughter.