The "idiot" train home from London
Discussion
Anyone got a good name for it, or any good stories? you know, the 23:15 train, typically a Friday night, but can be any weeknight really.
Full to the brim with utterly plastered t
ts.
I've been thrown up on once had another near miss and got threatened with a knife by a 50 year old russian.
I've always called it the idiot train or sometimes the vomit comet, but thats a bit of a misnomer as the late trains always seem to be stoppers.
Full to the brim with utterly plastered t
ts.I've been thrown up on once had another near miss and got threatened with a knife by a 50 year old russian.
I've always called it the idiot train or sometimes the vomit comet, but thats a bit of a misnomer as the late trains always seem to be stoppers.
Doesn't have to be the later trains.
Once had a journey back around 5:30pm, with a rough looking fella near us with a plastic bag full of cans. Occasionally he'd wander away from our area, and be back with one less can, and slightly more pissed.
On his "last" return (before I got off the train), he came back and claimed that we'd nicked his bag of beer. He was starting to get seriously lairy .....
Once had a journey back around 5:30pm, with a rough looking fella near us with a plastic bag full of cans. Occasionally he'd wander away from our area, and be back with one less can, and slightly more pissed.
On his "last" return (before I got off the train), he came back and claimed that we'd nicked his bag of beer. He was starting to get seriously lairy .....
isee said:
Why was the Russian with a knife threatening you?
If I remember correctly, myself and about a hundred other people were trying to get through the barriers to get on the train and he decided to block the entrance (not a small chap, quite "round") with himself and his suitcase whilst he looking in all 200 of his pockets for a ticket.I think I called him a prick, or maybe that was under my breath and I just bumped past him.
Then whilst on the train I was looking for a quiet secluded corner to not get vomited on and I came across him again and he proceeded to show me his "rather nice knife" (his words). Whilst he never said "I'm going to stab you up sucker" it was a threat after he took offence earlier.
Mucho dropped jaws and a little bit of panic from fellow commuters.
Best response I could come out with at the time was f
k-off. probably not the wisest move but I lived!He seemed fairly well heeled to be honest, also very drunk. Probably Russian mafia and there is a hit out on me now.
Then again, he might have just been proud of his knife and wanted to show it off! What do I know what goes on in the head of a pissed mobster!
clonmult said:
Doesn't have to be the later trains.
Once had a journey back around 5:30pm, with a rough looking fella near us with a plastic bag full of cans. Occasionally he'd wander away from our area, and be back with one less can, and slightly more pissed.
On his "last" return (before I got off the train), he came back and claimed that we'd nicked his bag of beer. He was starting to get seriously lairy .....
In a way I sort of understand his pissed logic... "where did all my beers go!" quickly followed by "they must have nicked them"Once had a journey back around 5:30pm, with a rough looking fella near us with a plastic bag full of cans. Occasionally he'd wander away from our area, and be back with one less can, and slightly more pissed.
On his "last" return (before I got off the train), he came back and claimed that we'd nicked his bag of beer. He was starting to get seriously lairy .....
Doesnt excuse his behaviour though!
Ah, the good old "Vomit Comet". Always a chuckle.
One time 'we' had a clearly plastered, suited, middle aged gent literally begging the world for help. Before he spewed the best part of a bottle of red and a KFC in the middle of the carriage. Several people moved, as far as they could on a fairly crowded train, and some windows were opened. Delightful end to my evening.
One time 'we' had a clearly plastered, suited, middle aged gent literally begging the world for help. Before he spewed the best part of a bottle of red and a KFC in the middle of the carriage. Several people moved, as far as they could on a fairly crowded train, and some windows were opened. Delightful end to my evening.
davido140 said:
Just don't fall asleep and end up in Southampton / Cardiff / wherever your train terminates! 
Tim: Where are you?Mike: Uh, Sheffield.
Tim: What are you doing in Sheffield?
Mike: I fell asleep on the tube.
Tim: The tube doesn't go to Sheffield, Mike.
Mike: Yeah, I know, I, uh, must have changed at Kings Cross.
davido140 said:
isee said:
Why was the Russian with a knife threatening you?
If I remember correctly, myself and about a hundred other people were trying to get through the barriers to get on the train and he decided to block the entrance (not a small chap, quite "round") with himself and his suitcase whilst he looking in all 200 of his pockets for a ticket.I think I called him a prick, or maybe that was under my breath and I just bumped past him.
Los Palmas 7 said:
davido140 said:
Just don't fall asleep and end up in Southampton / Cardiff / wherever your train terminates!
Tim: Where are you?Mike: Uh, Sheffield.
Tim: What are you doing in Sheffield?
Mike: I fell asleep on the tube.
Tim: The tube doesn't go to Sheffield, Mike.
Mike: Yeah, I know, I, uh, must have changed at Kings Cross.
The booze bus is great fun, some of the characters you see trying to stand up and not fall over is so funny.
If you dont like the idiot train, can I recommend you stay away from the last train home on the last thursday of the month as you will see people twice as bad as that and they will vomit on you. unless they end up at the other side of london on a marathon 8 hour going home trip.
If you dont like the idiot train, can I recommend you stay away from the last train home on the last thursday of the month as you will see people twice as bad as that and they will vomit on you. unless they end up at the other side of london on a marathon 8 hour going home trip.
Papa_Hotel said:
davido140 said:
isee said:
Why was the Russian with a knife threatening you?
If I remember correctly, myself and about a hundred other people were trying to get through the barriers to get on the train and he decided to block the entrance (not a small chap, quite "round") with himself and his suitcase whilst he looking in all 200 of his pockets for a ticket.I think I called him a prick, or maybe that was under my breath and I just bumped past him.
I'm happy to be labelled a prick in this instance, lots of london commuters are guilty of a bit of impatience at one point or another too, goes with the territory and I dont blame anyone, I consider myself in good company. Communting to London is a horrible nasty thing to do, and I only do it a few times a month, god forbid I had to do it every day.
Commuters unite against dawdling morons, standing still on the left side of the escalator, and 200 italian school kids on a day trip taking pictures of big ben!
ETA Being a bit rude, or pulling a knife on someone? I think I'm fairly safe in taking the moral high ground on this one.
Edited by davido140 on Friday 14th August 09:40
illmonkey said:
Los Palmas 7 said:
davido140 said:
Just don't fall asleep and end up in Southampton / Cardiff / wherever your train terminates!
Tim: Where are you?Mike: Uh, Sheffield.
Tim: What are you doing in Sheffield?
Mike: I fell asleep on the tube.
Tim: The tube doesn't go to Sheffield, Mike.
Mike: Yeah, I know, I, uh, must have changed at Kings Cross.
Brilliant!Mike also said:
You can't drink a pint of Bovril!
Being a regular train commuter for a few years (Before I saw the light and got a bike) - I have lots of stories.
Two of my favourites:-
1) Last train out of Victoria on the last day before Xmas. No seats, so me and a mate were sitting in the guards bit in middle of train - old slam door trains. Guard gets on train and tells us to move. We (me and some random who I sort of know, but certainly not a mate) decide to refuse to move as we have season tickets and so we should get a seat etc etc (drunken obtrusiveness kicked in). He goes off to find Policeman to move us. We put on his high vis jackets (no idea why) and I lean out of window and blow the whistle, my mate "clicks" the clicky thing, and the train is off! Cue - 3 policeman and guard coming onto train and pulling me out. I turn round - and "mate" has disappeared. As I am being talked to, train pulls away again, and my "mate" has sneaked back and done the same again. There is now a train half in/half out of the platform.
Guard refused to have us on the train. Friendly BIB walks us down the platform and puts us on train with instructions to not annoy the guard, and we are on our way. Unfortunately it is now 01:00 and train should have left at 00:05. Mate regales the story to a packed carriage who want to kill us for delaying them.
2) I am fairly drunk, and so do the Mcdonalds dash. In my drunken mind - it is much better value to get 5 x 99p double cheesburgers rather than a normal meal deal. After eating 3 of them, I realize that no drink, lots of alcohol and a now moving train is not making me feel great. So the other two remain in the bag.
I then see a exceedingly drunken mate of mine (this is really a mate) - who proceeds to fall over the seats as he is walking down the carriage, and collapse on some poor old woman. So I get up, apologize to woman, and walk him down the train to where I was sitting. I offer him one of my cheeseburgers and he accepts, but is struggling to eat.
A drunken girl comes walking down the train, and asks my mate for his burger. He says no. I say that she can have the other burger if she goes away. My mate says she can have the other burger if she "shows him, her fanny". So she drops her jeans, and knickers and stands there with everything hanging out. She then sits with us, still with jeans and knickers around ankles eating the burger I have now given her. After about 20 minutes of sitting there naked from the waste down she decides she best find her mates. So she gets up pulls her knickers and jeans up and goes. 10 mins later she is back, and in a bad mood. The reason because her mate is with the "geezer she pulled" and is getting rogered in the first class carriage next to us. So we went and had a look, and sure enough she was!
There are lots more.
In my previous single life, he train journey (and final destination) home was often the best bit of the evening!
Two of my favourites:-
1) Last train out of Victoria on the last day before Xmas. No seats, so me and a mate were sitting in the guards bit in middle of train - old slam door trains. Guard gets on train and tells us to move. We (me and some random who I sort of know, but certainly not a mate) decide to refuse to move as we have season tickets and so we should get a seat etc etc (drunken obtrusiveness kicked in). He goes off to find Policeman to move us. We put on his high vis jackets (no idea why) and I lean out of window and blow the whistle, my mate "clicks" the clicky thing, and the train is off! Cue - 3 policeman and guard coming onto train and pulling me out. I turn round - and "mate" has disappeared. As I am being talked to, train pulls away again, and my "mate" has sneaked back and done the same again. There is now a train half in/half out of the platform.
Guard refused to have us on the train. Friendly BIB walks us down the platform and puts us on train with instructions to not annoy the guard, and we are on our way. Unfortunately it is now 01:00 and train should have left at 00:05. Mate regales the story to a packed carriage who want to kill us for delaying them.
2) I am fairly drunk, and so do the Mcdonalds dash. In my drunken mind - it is much better value to get 5 x 99p double cheesburgers rather than a normal meal deal. After eating 3 of them, I realize that no drink, lots of alcohol and a now moving train is not making me feel great. So the other two remain in the bag.
I then see a exceedingly drunken mate of mine (this is really a mate) - who proceeds to fall over the seats as he is walking down the carriage, and collapse on some poor old woman. So I get up, apologize to woman, and walk him down the train to where I was sitting. I offer him one of my cheeseburgers and he accepts, but is struggling to eat.
A drunken girl comes walking down the train, and asks my mate for his burger. He says no. I say that she can have the other burger if she goes away. My mate says she can have the other burger if she "shows him, her fanny". So she drops her jeans, and knickers and stands there with everything hanging out. She then sits with us, still with jeans and knickers around ankles eating the burger I have now given her. After about 20 minutes of sitting there naked from the waste down she decides she best find her mates. So she gets up pulls her knickers and jeans up and goes. 10 mins later she is back, and in a bad mood. The reason because her mate is with the "geezer she pulled" and is getting rogered in the first class carriage next to us. So we went and had a look, and sure enough she was!
There are lots more.
In my previous single life, he train journey (and final destination) home was often the best bit of the evening!
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