Letter to "Dad" not seen for 16 years....What to write?
Discussion
Background.
26 years ago my dad walked out on me and my mum (I was 2). He didn’t stay in contact with me, never paid child care and left my mum struggling to bring me up on her own.
My so called dad very rarely contacted me when I was a kid. Maybe 10 times in as many years. No birthday cards or Christmas cards.
Last time I saw him was 16 years ago, when he introduced me to his new family, kids and all. Soon after that he changed his surname and I had no idea what too.
A few months ago i found out what his new name was and search the internet, I found his wife and kids on facebook, myspace and bebo. And as they hadn’t blocked access to their profile pages I was able to look at the pictures of the happy family. It turns out that 3 kids wasn’t enough as he has also fostered another little boy. (Walk out on own son, foster new little boy)
Anyway last month I e-mailed his wife asking for my “Dads” e-mail address and providing him with mine. But 4 weeks on, no e-mail. So I’m going to write one to him.
My question to the PH people.
What do you put in a letter to your piss poor excuse of a dad that you haven’t seen in 16 years, walked out on you when you where 2 and then fosters children??
26 years ago my dad walked out on me and my mum (I was 2). He didn’t stay in contact with me, never paid child care and left my mum struggling to bring me up on her own.
My so called dad very rarely contacted me when I was a kid. Maybe 10 times in as many years. No birthday cards or Christmas cards.
Last time I saw him was 16 years ago, when he introduced me to his new family, kids and all. Soon after that he changed his surname and I had no idea what too.
A few months ago i found out what his new name was and search the internet, I found his wife and kids on facebook, myspace and bebo. And as they hadn’t blocked access to their profile pages I was able to look at the pictures of the happy family. It turns out that 3 kids wasn’t enough as he has also fostered another little boy. (Walk out on own son, foster new little boy)
Anyway last month I e-mailed his wife asking for my “Dads” e-mail address and providing him with mine. But 4 weeks on, no e-mail. So I’m going to write one to him.
My question to the PH people.
What do you put in a letter to your piss poor excuse of a dad that you haven’t seen in 16 years, walked out on you when you where 2 and then fosters children??
It all depends on what you are trying to achieve by writing to your father. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards him (which is none of my business) but I would hesitate in writing to someone if it was solely to cause an argument.
Let us know what you are trying to achieve and then we may be able to help.
Let us know what you are trying to achieve and then we may be able to help.
Firstly get your chip off your shoulder (even though it may be justified) as you need a clear unbiased head to write him a letter. 
Secondly ask yourself why are you writing this letter; for answers? reunion? happyness? punch him?
You may be dissapointed if your not emotionally prepared as much as you can be in these circumstances, he may not want to see you or hear from you.
Why not just say "Hi, I am your son. Can I speak to you as I have some questions I would like answering, like can a 335d really be remapped?
Anyways, be calm and whatever you write put in a draw for a week and re-read it and if your happy send it.
Goodluck friend.
Secondly ask yourself why are you writing this letter; for answers? reunion? happyness? punch him?
You may be dissapointed if your not emotionally prepared as much as you can be in these circumstances, he may not want to see you or hear from you.
Why not just say "Hi, I am your son. Can I speak to you as I have some questions I would like answering, like can a 335d really be remapped?
Anyways, be calm and whatever you write put in a draw for a week and re-read it and if your happy send it.
Goodluck friend.
TBH I wouldn't bother.
What do you want from him?
If you want to start a meaningful relationship with your Dad then send him an e-mail saying you want to catch up, find out more about him, etc
However if, as it sounds is the case, you just want to have a pop at him for leaving you then don't bother. It won't accomplish anything and it won't change the past.
Concentrate on the good things in your life now rather than someone from the past who clearly doesn't want to know you or bring anything positive to you.
What do you want from him?
If you want to start a meaningful relationship with your Dad then send him an e-mail saying you want to catch up, find out more about him, etc
However if, as it sounds is the case, you just want to have a pop at him for leaving you then don't bother. It won't accomplish anything and it won't change the past.
Concentrate on the good things in your life now rather than someone from the past who clearly doesn't want to know you or bring anything positive to you.
There was a thread the other way around a while ago - Cara van man started it.
ETA - http://www.pistonheads.co.uk/gassing/topic.asp?h=0...
ETA - http://www.pistonheads.co.uk/gassing/topic.asp?h=0...
Edited by tonyvid on Wednesday 2nd September 15:03
monthefish said:
Depends - what do you want to achieve?
Are you looking to tell him what a c**t he is/was, or are you trying to (re-)build a relationship with him?
I dont want to rebuild any sort of relastionship with him. I just want to let him know how he has effected my life. Not having a dad around was sometimes hard, i mean my mum wasn't exactly a fan of motor racing and track days lol Are you looking to tell him what a c**t he is/was, or are you trying to (re-)build a relationship with him?
GTIR said:
Firstly get your chip off your shoulder (even though it may be justified) as you need a clear unbiased head to write him a letter.
Secondly ask yourself why are you writing this letter; for answers? reunion? happyness? punch him?
You may be dissapointed if your not emotionally prepared as much as you can be in these circumstances, he may not want to see you or hear from you.
Why not just say "Hi, I am your son. Can I speak to you as I have some questions I would like answering, like can a 335d really be remapped?
Anyways, be calm and whatever you write put in a draw for a week and re-read it and if your happy send it.
Goodluck friend.
You are right i am a little hot headed about the whole thing at the moment, i just dont understand why he wouldn't want to stay in contact with his own flesh and blood.. Was i really that bad as a kid lol Secondly ask yourself why are you writing this letter; for answers? reunion? happyness? punch him?
You may be dissapointed if your not emotionally prepared as much as you can be in these circumstances, he may not want to see you or hear from you.
Why not just say "Hi, I am your son. Can I speak to you as I have some questions I would like answering, like can a 335d really be remapped?
Anyways, be calm and whatever you write put in a draw for a week and re-read it and if your happy send it.
Goodluck friend.
bigrj141 said:
monthefish said:
Depends - what do you want to achieve?
Are you looking to tell him what a c**t he is/was, or are you trying to (re-)build a relationship with him?
I dont want to rebuild any sort of relastionship with him. I just want to let him know how he has effected my life. Not having a dad around was sometimes hard, i mean my mum wasn't exactly a fan of motor racing and track days lol Are you looking to tell him what a c**t he is/was, or are you trying to (re-)build a relationship with him?
Spartan luke said:
There must be a reason for you to want to contact him in the first place ??? What do you want to no from the man who failed u. May be ask him WHY but this mite bring up some painful truths beware
Sometimes the truth is better then the unanswered questions. So yes i guess i would like to know why he didn't want anything to do with me. You were two. You have barely ever seen your biological father.
How do you know why he made a clean break? Have you spoken to your Mum about this?
How do you know he's a crap Dad? He's clearly managing perfectly well with four other kids.
What you know is that he has not remained in contact with you. Do you know why? Was he forbidden to? Asked not to? Or was his relationship with your Mum so bad he couldn't?
How do you know he IS you Dad? Have you had a DNA test?
If you want to know the answers to any of the above questions you need his co-operation. So don't piss him off, eh?
If you don't ever want any answers why get in touch in the first place? It's a waste of your time and his.
How do you know why he made a clean break? Have you spoken to your Mum about this?
How do you know he's a crap Dad? He's clearly managing perfectly well with four other kids.
What you know is that he has not remained in contact with you. Do you know why? Was he forbidden to? Asked not to? Or was his relationship with your Mum so bad he couldn't?
How do you know he IS you Dad? Have you had a DNA test?
If you want to know the answers to any of the above questions you need his co-operation. So don't piss him off, eh?
If you don't ever want any answers why get in touch in the first place? It's a waste of your time and his.
Mr Will said:
If you just want to get back in touch, then why not wait a couple of months and then send a christmas card containing your return address/phone number and a little bit about you.
It's nice and non-threatening and gives him the opportunity to reply without making him feel obliged to.
Are you having a giraffe? The Bloke dumped him as a two year old didn't bother with him for 16 years and then only to rub his nose in it. I'd give the bloke a slap not a fecking Christmas card.It's nice and non-threatening and gives him the opportunity to reply without making him feel obliged to.
Seriously OP, I'd just get on with your life mate. Anyone could understand you wanting to tell him how you feel but it wont achieve anything.
bigrj141 said:
GTIR said:
Firstly get your chip off your shoulder (even though it may be justified) as you need a clear unbiased head to write him a letter.
Secondly ask yourself why are you writing this letter; for answers? reunion? happyness? punch him?
You may be dissapointed if your not emotionally prepared as much as you can be in these circumstances, he may not want to see you or hear from you.
Why not just say "Hi, I am your son. Can I speak to you as I have some questions I would like answering, like can a 335d really be remapped?
Anyways, be calm and whatever you write put in a draw for a week and re-read it and if your happy send it.
Goodluck friend.
You are right i am a little hot headed about the whole thing at the moment, i just dont understand why he wouldn't want to stay in contact with his own flesh and blood.. Was i really that bad as a kid lol Secondly ask yourself why are you writing this letter; for answers? reunion? happyness? punch him?
You may be dissapointed if your not emotionally prepared as much as you can be in these circumstances, he may not want to see you or hear from you.
Why not just say "Hi, I am your son. Can I speak to you as I have some questions I would like answering, like can a 335d really be remapped?
Anyways, be calm and whatever you write put in a draw for a week and re-read it and if your happy send it.
Goodluck friend.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff