Another relationship thread - Sorry!!

[Me in my chair]

Seems to be the time for it at the moment!

Whats everyones pitch on this then, really am looking for a way forward here as right now my head is all over the place, totally.

My wife and I have been married now for x years, together for a while before that. we have kids.

We have had a few times where we have been close to splitting up, but always managed to stay together. However, this past 8 months have been different. we haven't slept together for 6 months or so now. I Had a feeling she had someone else, but never confronted it as I feared the truth.

About a month ago, I found some evidence ( phone bill ) that showed that she had been calling someone loads, her text allowance was well over etc. New teddies in the house, new underwear, just all the signs that something was going on.

I Confronted her, she didnt deny it, she told me everything. Asked her if she loved him, yes she does, still ove me I asked? not anything like I did or like I love him. Do you still want to be with me? no, I really want to be with him.

She told him that night that it was over with them till she got her life sorted out. I Have tried to change so much since all this came out, but feel im pushing her further and further away. We agreed to have a few weeks and see how things were, but to be honest I have spent all that time constantly checking her phone, facebook, calling her during the day when I'm at work ( She works evenings so is free during the day ) and I know its pissing her off, I don't mean to, I just feel the love of my life is slipping away and there isn't a thing I can do about it. My mind works overtime constantly wondering where she is, what she is doing etc. She won't kiss me now, won't hold my hand, freaks out if I so much as put my hand on her knee or anything.

She still sees the other guy, but tells me its just as friends, they aren't sleeping together anymore but I'm not so sure I belive it - I want to believe it but I think I just don't want to face up to the truth.
She spend the whole day with him this week, they went out as friends and just had a day of fun, I felt crap as I wanted it to be me out having fun with her.

She says she still loves him but I just can't let go. She is a very emotional person and I know if I really laid on the tears and promises heavy I could get her to stay. The house is in joint names as you would expect, but its sort of passed down through her family and its always been considered more of hers than mine.

So the questions I guess are, have I lost her totally? I Think I have but can't and won't accept it.

Could it ever work again with the 2 of us?

Does she think so little of me to do this and then tell me so many details about it when I confronted her? is she being cruel to be kind?

Should I accept what she is telling me and be a man about it? the old line of "If you love someone set them free" seems to come to mind here, but im terrified she doesnt come back.

Am I clutching at something thats already gone? Whast should I do? pack a bag and go, she has asked me to do this but I just said no, i'm not giving up on you ever, I can get you to love me again............

I'm in bits here folks!



Help please, I'm a total mess over this.

Edited by Me in my chair on Saturday 5th September 00:21

[jerwatt]

Maybe not the best advice since never been in that situation and being so young, but hope it helps.

Sounds like it's over, at least with her not wanting to sort things out. It takes both of you to be in a relationship and it sounds like she's just not there. If she's still with this other guy and isn't giving you her time then he's her priority. I'm guessing only reason she's still with you is from the comfort side/ not wanting to deal with the consequences. If you keep going like this it will just eat away at you and mess you up. Best to have a talk with her and be honest with each other about what you want for the future. And I guess it comes down to offering an ultimatium of him or me, with the big risk of it being him. If she says you then it will take a long time to sort things out again if they can be, with you having to trust her, but again risking her cheating at the same time.

Or, to make this a true PH post, smash in her back door etc.

Edited by jerwatt on Saturday 5th September 00:11

[Flanders.]

Get shot off her mate. Theres loads more fish in the sea. You will get over her, even if it feels like you won't right now.

[Road Pest]

Just looked at your contributions to this thread

http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...

I can really empathise with what you said. Never been that deep into a destructive cycle but went through some pretty st times with my soon to be ex over the last three years. Sometimes relationships fail and yours sounds like it has run its course I'm afraid. I know it's scary but you need to move on and start thinking about yourself.

[ellroy]

my guess is she wants to leave, but still has some feelings for you, hence she is worried about the unknown of leaving and taking up a new with this other bloke.

She will not respect you if you pull the emotional blackmail trick and you will only put off the inevitable if you do and feel crap about yourself as a result.

Get away for a few days if you can on your own, you need to consider what's best for you and your daughter going forward.

Give her a time limit if you decide its worth pursuing, she needs to make decision as to who/what she wants in by, say, a month. If she wants to make a go of it try relate/counselling, but you've both got to commit and that means the other bloke has to be out of the picture completely, none of this we're friends crap.

If by the time you set she has not made a decision make your own. Move on for the sake of your own sanity and get legal advice.

Chin up son you will get through this one way or another.

P.S. Await the inevitable abuse from some on here.

[Me in my chair]

jerwatt said:

Maybe not the best advice since never been in that situation and being so young, but hope it helps.

Sounds like it's over, at least with her not wanting to sort things out. It takes both of you to be in a relationship and it sounds like she's just not there. If she's still with this other guy and isn't giving you her time then he's her priority. I'm guessing only reason she's still with you is from the comfort side/ not wanting to deal with the consequences. If you keep going like this it will just eat away at you and mess you up. Best to have a talk with her and be honest with each other about what you want for the future. And I guess it comes down to offering an ultimatium of him or me, with the big risk of it being him. If she says you then it will take a long time to sort things out again if they can be, with you having to trust her, but again risking her cheating at the same time.

Or, to make this a true PH post, smash in her back door etc.

Edited by jerwatt on Saturday 5th September 00:11

We have some money issues too, debt etc which I know is a big worry for her, how would she cope etc in the future, but I find that I hope this is one of the reasons she will stay? I Know thats wrong but i'm clinging onto anything I can here....

[Road Pest]

You thought she was cheating on you 2 years ago remember. Can you really get past that. IMO you are prolonging the inevitable and you need to sit down and work out a plan, money, maintenance, house, etc.


Seriously, take some time out and get some perspective.

[jerwatt]

Me in my chair said:

jerwatt said:

Maybe not the best advice since never been in that situation and being so young, but hope it helps.

Sounds like it's over, at least with her not wanting to sort things out. It takes both of you to be in a relationship and it sounds like she's just not there. If she's still with this other guy and isn't giving you her time then he's her priority. I'm guessing only reason she's still with you is from the comfort side/ not wanting to deal with the consequences. If you keep going like this it will just eat away at you and mess you up. Best to have a talk with her and be honest with each other about what you want for the future. And I guess it comes down to offering an ultimatium of him or me, with the big risk of it being him. If she says you then it will take a long time to sort things out again if they can be, with you having to trust her, but again risking her cheating at the same time.

Or, to make this a true PH post, smash in her back door etc.

Edited by jerwatt on Saturday 5th September 00:11

We have some money issues too, debt etc which I know is a big worry for her, how would she cope etc in the future, but I find that I hope this is one of the reasons she will stay? I Know thats wrong but i'm clinging onto anything I can here....

Sounds like you're hoping to be given a reason to stay with her, but know it's not likely? In the long run the best thing to do (as mentioned above) is sorting through things and making her decide which one of you it should be. And although it's something you won't want to do (risking everything ending for certain) it's much better in the long run. Learned that the hard way with my ex, and that was only having gone out for a year and a half. If there isn't a clear cut decision the relationship will drag on and on and be messy, both for you, her and your child.

[Me in my chair]

My mind runs constantly about her and him though, I find myself every evening asking her questions about them together, which she answered truthfully - And the answeres are not what I wanted to hear but I asked so she was honest and told me. Intimate questions, I know it sounds pathetic to ask them but its eating away at me...

[duff-man]

Me in my chair said:

She still sees the other guy, but tells me its just as friends, they aren't sleeping together anymore but I'm not so sure I belive it - I want to believe it but I think I just don't want to face up to the truth.

She spend the whole day with him this week, they went out as friends and just had a day of fun, I felt crap as I wanted it to be me out having fun with her.

Get the fk out now!

HTH

Edited by duff-man on Saturday 5th September 00:31

[Me in my chair]

My mind runs constantly about her and him though, I find myself every evening asking her questions about them together, which she answered truthfully - And the answeres are not what I wanted to hear but I asked so she was honest and told me. Intimate questions, I know it sounds pathetic to ask them but its eating away at me...

[duff-man]

Me in my chair said:

My mind runs constantly about her and him though, I find myself every evening asking her questions about them together, which she answered truthfully - And the answeres are not what I wanted to hear but I asked so she was honest and told me. Intimate questions, I know it sounds pathetic to ask them but its eating away at me...

She's porked him before....she will do it again if she hasn't already...get out whilst you can

[1]

Sorry to hear your problems but I am afraid this is well and truly over. You have already lost her and will never fully trust her again. The longer it goes on the worse things will get.

You need to try and retain some self respect and make the break, you cant make someone love you. Move out ASAP, move in with a friend/family etc until you get something more permanent sorted.

It sounds like you are in for a st 12 mths but the quicker you start things moving the quicker you will come out the other side.

Best of luck.

[cc8s]

1 said:

Move out ASAP, move in with a friend/family etc until you get something more permanent sorted.

TBH I would ask her to move out. Apparently moving out can cause you a lot of hassle when getting the money side of things sorted.

[s3fella]

Flipping heck fella. You know the answer wihtout asking us, if you are honest..it's over. It has to be over, she's been cheating on you!

You need to stop worrying about her and worry about your kids in the fisrt instance and yourself next. She can go fxxk herself should be your attitude tbh.

If you want the kids, lob her out, stuff on the lawn etc. If the kids are best wtih her, tell her to find a place and go. Dont move out of yoru gaff or the other dood will be in like Flint.

Ont he subject of the other fella. Find out what you can about him and drop him in it where you can. If he is with a bird, grass him up. If he works with your missus, let work knwo what's going on. They may not like it as if it goes tits up, there will be a real friction at work or possible harrassment suit for them!

Stop asking her the questions about what she is up to YOU KNOW what she is up to, and even if she isn't assume she is and you will get over it quicker.

A tough break but a break is what you need, and regarding the money stuff, dont whatever you do allow her to live under the same roof whilst she's still letting lover boy plug into her whenever she wants.

SWTs, the lot of them!

[Me in my chair]

s3fella said:

Flipping heck fella. You know the answer wihtout asking us, if you are honest..it's over. It has to be over, she's been cheating on you! (I Know, just find I cant accept it, feels like I have nothing without her)

You need to stop worrying about her and worry about your kids in the fisrt instance and yourself next. She can go fxxk herself should be your attitude tbh.

If you want the kids, lob her out, stuff on the lawn etc. If the kids are best wtih her, tell her to find a place and go. Dont move out of yoru gaff or the other dood will be in like Flint.

Ont he subject of the other fella. Find out what you can about him and drop him in it where you can. If he is with a bird, grass him up. If he works with your missus, let work knwo what's going on. They may not like it as if it goes tits up, there will be a real friction at work or possible harrassment suit for them! ( He is a single guy, well, seperated from his wife, got his own business, if im totally honest here he would be a good catch for any woman ).

Stop asking her the questions about what she is up to YOU KNOW what she is up to, and even if she isn't assume she is and you will get over it quicker.

A tough break but a break is what you need, and regarding the money stuff, dont whatever you do allow her to live under the same roof whilst she's still letting lover boy plug into her whenever she wants.

SWTs, the lot of them!

[Gedon]

www.laddertheory.com

read it, learn, act.

[Whatty]

Trust. Once lost very rarely regained. Can you honestly continue without a constant nagging doubt as to what may be going on behind your back?

Nagging doubt leads to paranoid mental exhaustion ends in......?

Not your fault, but your children need a father not a nervous wreck. Get assertive and seek some practical legal advice.

Good luck....

[bullies180]

Sorry just doesn't cut it!

[Norbury90]

Sounds like a pretty stty situation there chap. You know she's gone, and she does too. Start working on a plan for the next 12 months I guess, good luck.