Moral and social dilema - giving up your kids?
Discussion
Firstly, this is not me as my child ownership status has been more than covered on here before!!! This is on behalf of someone else....
Ok, she has 3 kids under 8, split from their father(unmarried)a couple of years ago and they share the kids 80/20 with her being the main carer/owner/whatever you call these things. He seems to have been very controlling and influential, so things got baked to the full time. He had a bit on the side during her last pregnancy and left just after the birth.
Society seems to fully accept men walking away from their kids but it seems totally anathema for a mother to do this...but this is what she really wants to do. Don't get her wrong, she is a wonderful caring mum, the kids are lovely and really well brought up but, every day, she just feels this is not what she wants and never did. She isn't suddenly wanting to go partying everynight, it's just that the whole motherhood thing just doesn't interest her and isn't for her. School hols and weekends are a nightmare etc and it's not a "the grass is greener" thing and certainly hasn't just started - she has always felt like this.
She hasn't discussed this option with the father yet, who is currently unemployed and seems quite happy to stay that way! He does the 20/80 ok but will always default to the minimum assisitance when it comes to his offspring.
She really can't talk to anyone about this(apart from me as I bear no judgement and can also understand what she feels about not wanting kids), it seems if you even think like this other women will tie you to a Mothercare trolley and push it, blazing, down the streets. So, there are 2 issues - getting chappie to take the kids full time and the social stigma that she will, almost certainly, have to tackle.
Have any PHettes done this, given them to the father(or other) and taken a route they really wanted, not someone else's journey? Do any of you know of others in this situation and what happened? She fully accepts her actions but that doesn't change how she feels inside.
(PM if you would rather keep stuff out of the public light)
ETA - after 3 pages on specifics
Can we move the discussion onto why society deems it ok for men to walk away from their kids and so abhorent for women to do the same?
Ok, she has 3 kids under 8, split from their father(unmarried)a couple of years ago and they share the kids 80/20 with her being the main carer/owner/whatever you call these things. He seems to have been very controlling and influential, so things got baked to the full time. He had a bit on the side during her last pregnancy and left just after the birth.
Society seems to fully accept men walking away from their kids but it seems totally anathema for a mother to do this...but this is what she really wants to do. Don't get her wrong, she is a wonderful caring mum, the kids are lovely and really well brought up but, every day, she just feels this is not what she wants and never did. She isn't suddenly wanting to go partying everynight, it's just that the whole motherhood thing just doesn't interest her and isn't for her. School hols and weekends are a nightmare etc and it's not a "the grass is greener" thing and certainly hasn't just started - she has always felt like this.
She hasn't discussed this option with the father yet, who is currently unemployed and seems quite happy to stay that way! He does the 20/80 ok but will always default to the minimum assisitance when it comes to his offspring.
She really can't talk to anyone about this(apart from me as I bear no judgement and can also understand what she feels about not wanting kids), it seems if you even think like this other women will tie you to a Mothercare trolley and push it, blazing, down the streets. So, there are 2 issues - getting chappie to take the kids full time and the social stigma that she will, almost certainly, have to tackle.
Have any PHettes done this, given them to the father(or other) and taken a route they really wanted, not someone else's journey? Do any of you know of others in this situation and what happened? She fully accepts her actions but that doesn't change how she feels inside.
(PM if you would rather keep stuff out of the public light)
ETA - after 3 pages on specifics
Can we move the discussion onto why society deems it ok for men to walk away from their kids and so abhorent for women to do the same?
Edited by tonyvid on Sunday 6th September 14:31
Edited by tonyvid on Sunday 6th September 19:10
You say the the woman is always left with the kids in a split, but to be perfectly honest, from what ive seen/read, the courts will always side with the monther unless she's a crack w
e etc.
What i dont get is, if shes never really wanted kids, why have them? And its not like 1, and then thinking it was a bad idea, but 3!
As for wanting out, do you mean dump them on the father, and contribute child maintence, or stick them up for addoption?
e etc.What i dont get is, if shes never really wanted kids, why have them? And its not like 1, and then thinking it was a bad idea, but 3!
As for wanting out, do you mean dump them on the father, and contribute child maintence, or stick them up for addoption?
Oh no - maintenance doesnt work that way - its one way only.
This bh wants to dump them. It neither matters if its on her ex or on the "system". Once she finds out that its much cheaper to dump them on the taxpayer that is precisely what she will do. I am sure she will find it utter anathema to find she has to "maintain" her ex and children, afterall!
Good luck to her! The evil mysoginist she produced children with can feck off if he thinks he's entitled to anything. They are much better off in the care system, much like those 10/11 year old scamps that did attempted murder and torture in Donny.
This b
h wants to dump them. It neither matters if its on her ex or on the "system". Once she finds out that its much cheaper to dump them on the taxpayer that is precisely what she will do. I am sure she will find it utter anathema to find she has to "maintain" her ex and children, afterall!Good luck to her! The evil mysoginist she produced children with can feck off if he thinks he's entitled to anything. They are much better off in the care system, much like those 10/11 year old scamps that did attempted murder and torture in Donny.
Get your friend intouch with a Social Worker.
Now before I get shot down, there are many reasons that a child will be placed with a foster carer. Just a bit of respite for her one or two days a week might help. Perhaps she just feels overwhelmed having the 3 with no help right now.
Cheers
Ave
Now before I get shot down, there are many reasons that a child will be placed with a foster carer. Just a bit of respite for her one or two days a week might help. Perhaps she just feels overwhelmed having the 3 with no help right now.
Cheers
Ave
Am sorry if you have kids then you must bear the responsibility that comes with them, whether you are the mum or dad. If you dont want kids and I can totally understand those that don't, then you should have worked on the prevention a little harder.
Agree with the above, ask her to speak to someone, I would think its quite rare that women walk away from their children and it could be just a case of finding it to hard, especially when the father doesn't help much.
Agree with the above, ask her to speak to someone, I would think its quite rare that women walk away from their children and it could be just a case of finding it to hard, especially when the father doesn't help much.
Mobile Chicane said:
I would hope that if any mother had ever given up their children it would have been by mutual agreement with the father, not "Here they are - I'm off."
What's the woman on?
It's just an exploration of thoughts, nothing impending and would, of course, be discussed to the nth degree What's the woman on?
Rotary Madness said:
What i dont get is, if shes never really wanted kids, why have them? And its not like 1, and then thinking it was a bad idea, but 3!
As for wanting out, do you mean dump them on the father, and contribute child maintence, or stick them up for addoption?
It's a little more complicated and she thought they would be together to raise their family - don't forget, people, this guy was shagging around and abandoned her with a new born. If the situation changed, of course she would do all the financial stuff correctly and fairly, she is a person of values(which is why this is such an issue for her) As for wanting out, do you mean dump them on the father, and contribute child maintence, or stick them up for addoption?
V8mate said:
So Tony, let me get this right: you're dating some bird with three chavvies and have suggested to her that you might be interested in making it 'long-term' if she gets rid of the spawn of her previous lacklustre beau?
I'm not getting involved in any of this stuff!kit80 said:
Am sorry if you have kids then you must bear the responsibility that comes with them, whether you are the mum or dad. If you dont want kids and I can totally understand those that don't, then you should have worked on the prevention a little harder.
Agree with the above, ask her to speak to someone, I would think its quite rare that women walk away from their children and it could be just a case of finding it to hard, especially when the father doesn't help much.
Quite, and she would agree with you on all of those points - right now she is staring down the gun of another 15 years min of being a mum and that's not easy for her with her thoughts.Agree with the above, ask her to speak to someone, I would think its quite rare that women walk away from their children and it could be just a case of finding it to hard, especially when the father doesn't help much.
Can we keep it polite please everyone, she will be reading this and I am hoping for some intelligent discussion al la Nolar's recent thread about social and moral issues
The children will never forgive her if she abandons them.
My Aunt left her two children (About 6 and 4 at the time)with their father when she ran off with another man, she used to occasionally have them for the weekend with his two kids, but they felt like outsiders.
I think they are still both emotionally scarred (Now in their 40's) and my Aunt has never forgiven herself either for what she did, she is an alcoholic and often my mum gets a phonecall and has to listen to her ramblings.
She is not the only woman I know that has done this, but I do know it fu**ks the children up big time.
My Aunt left her two children (About 6 and 4 at the time)with their father when she ran off with another man, she used to occasionally have them for the weekend with his two kids, but they felt like outsiders.
I think they are still both emotionally scarred (Now in their 40's) and my Aunt has never forgiven herself either for what she did, she is an alcoholic and often my mum gets a phonecall and has to listen to her ramblings.
She is not the only woman I know that has done this, but I do know it fu**ks the children up big time.
Has she spoken to a doctor at all. You say she now has a newborn, although I have NO experience in Post Natal Depression she should speak to someone about it.
I seriously hope she gets the help she needs to perhaps get past these feelings, however tell her not to be afraid of the social work route. At least her children are not mistreated.
A very big decision for her but one she needs to talk to people about. At least she has you to vent to.
Ave
I seriously hope she gets the help she needs to perhaps get past these feelings, however tell her not to be afraid of the social work route. At least her children are not mistreated.
A very big decision for her but one she needs to talk to people about. At least she has you to vent to.
Ave
tonyvid said:
V8mate said:
So Tony, let me get this right: you're dating some bird with three chavvies and have suggested to her that you might be interested in making it 'long-term' if she gets rid of the spawn of her previous lacklustre beau?
I'm not getting involved in any of this stuff!
tonyvid said:
kit80 said:
Am sorry if you have kids then you must bear the responsibility that comes with them, whether you are the mum or dad. If you dont want kids and I can totally understand those that don't, then you should have worked on the prevention a little harder.
Agree with the above, ask her to speak to someone, I would think its quite rare that women walk away from their children and it could be just a case of finding it to hard, especially when the father doesn't help much.
Quite, and she would agree with you on all of those points - right now she is staring down the gun of another 15 years min of being a mum and that's not easy for her with her thoughts.Agree with the above, ask her to speak to someone, I would think its quite rare that women walk away from their children and it could be just a case of finding it to hard, especially when the father doesn't help much.
Having kids isn't easy. We've got three of the little buggers, and there's plenty of times when both of us would like to have none of the little buggers, but a child is for life, not just for Christmas.
OK, the Father was a weasely little turd who buggered off with another woman, but two wrongs don't make a right, and that's what her leaving them would be.
The main reason we don't go postal on a regular basis is that we get to dump the small ones on their grandparents a few times a year so that we can go away and relax. I know neither of us could cope with looking after all three of them day in day out without respite, so why would she?
The one bit I don't get though is that you say she has always felt like this? This doesn't really sound like someone who had a major change when the husband ran and the third one came along?
Anyway, that's enough clichés for one night.
SSC! said:
Has she spoken to a doctor at all. You say she now has a newborn, although I have NO experience in Post Natal Depression she should speak to someone about it.
I seriously hope she gets the help she needs to perhaps get past these feelings, however tell her not to be afraid of the social work route. At least her children are not mistreated.
A very big decision for her but one she needs to talk to people about. At least she has you to vent to.
Ave
A good point but that's not the issue here, the youngest is a couple of years now I seriously hope she gets the help she needs to perhaps get past these feelings, however tell her not to be afraid of the social work route. At least her children are not mistreated.
A very big decision for her but one she needs to talk to people about. At least she has you to vent to.
Ave
Thanks for the suggestion about social advice.Kermit power said:
The one bit I don't get though is that you say she has always felt like this? This doesn't really sound like someone who had a major change when the husband ran and the third one came along?
No, it really didn't help though!! Her family are all a bit scattered and some wayaway which doesn't help her but she does have a lot of friends who childmind etc.Tuscanless Ali said:
The children will never forgive her if she abandons them.
My Aunt left her two children (About 6 and 4 at the time)with their father when she ran off with another man, she used to occasionally have them for the weekend with his two kids, but they felt like outsiders.
I think they are still both emotionally scarred (Now in their 40's) and my Aunt has never forgiven herself either for what she did, she is an alcoholic and often my mum gets a phonecall and has to listen to her ramblings.
She is not the only woman I know that has done this, but I do know it fu**ks the children up big time.
That's really sad and her biggest concern.My Aunt left her two children (About 6 and 4 at the time)with their father when she ran off with another man, she used to occasionally have them for the weekend with his two kids, but they felt like outsiders.
I think they are still both emotionally scarred (Now in their 40's) and my Aunt has never forgiven herself either for what she did, she is an alcoholic and often my mum gets a phonecall and has to listen to her ramblings.
She is not the only woman I know that has done this, but I do know it fu**ks the children up big time.
tonyvid said:
Tuscanless Ali said:
The children will never forgive her if she abandons them.
My Aunt left her two children (About 6 and 4 at the time)with their father when she ran off with another man, she used to occasionally have them for the weekend with his two kids, but they felt like outsiders.
I think they are still both emotionally scarred (Now in their 40's) and my Aunt has never forgiven herself either for what she did, she is an alcoholic and often my mum gets a phonecall and has to listen to her ramblings.
She is not the only woman I know that has done this, but I do know it fu**ks the children up big time.
That's really sad and her biggest concern.My Aunt left her two children (About 6 and 4 at the time)with their father when she ran off with another man, she used to occasionally have them for the weekend with his two kids, but they felt like outsiders.
I think they are still both emotionally scarred (Now in their 40's) and my Aunt has never forgiven herself either for what she did, she is an alcoholic and often my mum gets a phonecall and has to listen to her ramblings.
She is not the only woman I know that has done this, but I do know it fu**ks the children up big time.
Ave
What a sad state of affairs that people even need to ask stuff like this.
She should not have had kids unless she was willing to parent them properly. And, yes it is the same for both parents, but what if father had died..
As a parent I have made the commitment to my child regardless of whether her mother is round or not.
She should not have had kids unless she was willing to parent them properly. And, yes it is the same for both parents, but what if father had died..
As a parent I have made the commitment to my child regardless of whether her mother is round or not.
Tuscanless Ali said:
My Aunt left her two children (About 6 and 4 at the time)with their father when she ran off with another man...
...I think they are still both emotionally scarred (Now in their 40's)...
...and my Aunt has never forgiven herself either for what she did, she is an alcoholic and often my mum gets a phonecall and has to listen to her ramblings.
Me and my younger brother where dumped by our Mum when we were toddlers. When I say dumped, quite literally plucked out of the back of a Triumph Herald by the scruffs of our necks by her new man, carried to Dads front door, bell rung, and left. We were brought up single handed by Dad, we didn't meet our Mum again until we were into our teens. By then she was loaded, so at times there were compensations, flash cars, yachts and exotic holidays. But into adulthood, those things count for nothing. All I remember is she walked. I have a son of my own now, I simply cannot imagine how anyone could do such a thing....I think they are still both emotionally scarred (Now in their 40's)...
...and my Aunt has never forgiven herself either for what she did, she is an alcoholic and often my mum gets a phonecall and has to listen to her ramblings.
Mum is also now a nasty bitter alcoholic, and has ostracised herself from almost every member of the family over the decades. I haven't seen her in years, although my brother and sister still stay in touch.
I could try to understand the hows & whys, of all that has happened, I could show some compassion, but I can't be arsed. Frankly, I don't give a flying f
k about the woman.Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff