Looking for some general advice. Losing a parent.
Discussion
My name is Rob; I’m 24 and currently live with my father and little brother. Now before anyone mentions I should have moved out a long time ago... I did but after my father had a fairly large stroke i moved back home.
Now the current situation, I’m sorry if parts of this don't make sense but it’s quite a difficult time.
My father was admitted to hospital on Friday the 4th Sept 2009 suffering from stomach pains of which he had been suffering for about 4/6 weeks before hand. He had been to the hospital for many scans/checks etc before the 4th but no results was back at that point.
When he was taken into hospital he was on the verge of slipping into a Diabetic Coma due to the fact he had been fasting for 48 hours before hand as he was to undergo cameras inside of him. He was quickly stabilised and the doctors got to work on finding what was wrong.
Sat 5th he was rushed into a emergency operation as they had found something suspicious on his scan results and ended up finding what they called at the time "Substantially Large Inflamed Mass" of which has now been diagnosed as Cancer. Because of the mass and the removal of the mass he had a punctured bowel of which they had to remove a large section of and also his gall bladder.
Within under 48 hours he was awake and in the Intensive care unit but looked very well and the doctors was very happy with the progress so the following day he was moved into a ward. Day 1 in the ward was fine but come the second as soon as we arrived we could tell there was something wrong, he was confused and looked drained. We spoke to the nurse in charge and asked for a doctor to which we got the reply there is no doctor available until the morning. We argued a little that he was unwell but it was shrugged off.
Later that night 11:45pm I received a call that took the wind right of out me, to attend the hospital as soon as possible which we did. Once there we was sat down and told my father had 2 hours to live as a infection had taken hold. We was told they the hospital work on a scale of 1---10 and that 1 is good and 10 is very bad. My father was rated a 9 at this time. My brother and I sat with my dad for near 12 hours straight where he started to show signs of improvement. In fact his rating was down to a 3 so a great increase.
Due to those events happening my father was taken back to Intensive Care where they did another fantastic job and made my dad well again, he was sat up talking and generally looking much better. So again after a couple of days he was moved back to a ward (different from first). Within 48 hours again we noticed a downward drop in his condition and explained to the nurse that he was confused again and looking unwell. We got a simple yet an answer that I couldn’t believe I heard "Ill just give him some aspirin then". I didn’t even bother to argue and called the hospitals "Outreach Team" (a special team that attend if you are not happy with what’s happening in the ward).
Once the Outreach team had attended they diagnosed my dad with Phenomena and being De-hydrated and required him to go straight back to ICU.
Within 24 hours we was once called in again and explained that my father was to undergo a 2nd operation to find out why/how he is getting an infection inside of him. We were told it was extremely high risk but was really the only way he could get better. So we went ahead with it.
The operation went better than expected, they found a small tear and fixed it and said everything was looking great.
Anyhow, over the last few days he started to go downhill again and I was called in once again by the doctors to sit down and learn about what was happening.
I was told that my father would not be coming home, he is extremely ill and that scans have shown up multiple tears in his bowel of which is now becoming septic. They have said they cannot operate again as he wouldn’t make that and that his bowel is so fragile now they will do more damage than good. So I’m to prepare for him to pass away within 48 hours.
Now sorry for the long story, but I’m feeling a little alone atm with regards what/where and how to do the things I need to do once he does pass away. My mother lives a while away as does my uncle so really it’s just my brother and myself at the moment and my brother is extremely scared and I’m trying to hold him together as well as myself in this situation.
I have a question that I will be putting forward to the hospital but they have said the cancer must have been growing for years. My father has been in for so many scans/tests over the last 3 years since his stroke that I find it unbelievable that nothing was ever noticed. Should I feel that way about that? Is it right I should ask questions about that? Or wait till dad has passed before stirring the hornets’ nest?
Also can anyone offer any advice on what my next steps should be regarding sorting my dad’s will, insurance etc? I’ve already been searching for places to rent for my brother and myself due to the fact we live in a rented house now but will not be able to continue it due to the sheer cost etc.
Any advice will be welcomed.
Many thanks,
Rob
Now the current situation, I’m sorry if parts of this don't make sense but it’s quite a difficult time.
My father was admitted to hospital on Friday the 4th Sept 2009 suffering from stomach pains of which he had been suffering for about 4/6 weeks before hand. He had been to the hospital for many scans/checks etc before the 4th but no results was back at that point.
When he was taken into hospital he was on the verge of slipping into a Diabetic Coma due to the fact he had been fasting for 48 hours before hand as he was to undergo cameras inside of him. He was quickly stabilised and the doctors got to work on finding what was wrong.
Sat 5th he was rushed into a emergency operation as they had found something suspicious on his scan results and ended up finding what they called at the time "Substantially Large Inflamed Mass" of which has now been diagnosed as Cancer. Because of the mass and the removal of the mass he had a punctured bowel of which they had to remove a large section of and also his gall bladder.
Within under 48 hours he was awake and in the Intensive care unit but looked very well and the doctors was very happy with the progress so the following day he was moved into a ward. Day 1 in the ward was fine but come the second as soon as we arrived we could tell there was something wrong, he was confused and looked drained. We spoke to the nurse in charge and asked for a doctor to which we got the reply there is no doctor available until the morning. We argued a little that he was unwell but it was shrugged off.
Later that night 11:45pm I received a call that took the wind right of out me, to attend the hospital as soon as possible which we did. Once there we was sat down and told my father had 2 hours to live as a infection had taken hold. We was told they the hospital work on a scale of 1---10 and that 1 is good and 10 is very bad. My father was rated a 9 at this time. My brother and I sat with my dad for near 12 hours straight where he started to show signs of improvement. In fact his rating was down to a 3 so a great increase.
Due to those events happening my father was taken back to Intensive Care where they did another fantastic job and made my dad well again, he was sat up talking and generally looking much better. So again after a couple of days he was moved back to a ward (different from first). Within 48 hours again we noticed a downward drop in his condition and explained to the nurse that he was confused again and looking unwell. We got a simple yet an answer that I couldn’t believe I heard "Ill just give him some aspirin then". I didn’t even bother to argue and called the hospitals "Outreach Team" (a special team that attend if you are not happy with what’s happening in the ward).
Once the Outreach team had attended they diagnosed my dad with Phenomena and being De-hydrated and required him to go straight back to ICU.
Within 24 hours we was once called in again and explained that my father was to undergo a 2nd operation to find out why/how he is getting an infection inside of him. We were told it was extremely high risk but was really the only way he could get better. So we went ahead with it.
The operation went better than expected, they found a small tear and fixed it and said everything was looking great.
Anyhow, over the last few days he started to go downhill again and I was called in once again by the doctors to sit down and learn about what was happening.
I was told that my father would not be coming home, he is extremely ill and that scans have shown up multiple tears in his bowel of which is now becoming septic. They have said they cannot operate again as he wouldn’t make that and that his bowel is so fragile now they will do more damage than good. So I’m to prepare for him to pass away within 48 hours.
Now sorry for the long story, but I’m feeling a little alone atm with regards what/where and how to do the things I need to do once he does pass away. My mother lives a while away as does my uncle so really it’s just my brother and myself at the moment and my brother is extremely scared and I’m trying to hold him together as well as myself in this situation.
I have a question that I will be putting forward to the hospital but they have said the cancer must have been growing for years. My father has been in for so many scans/tests over the last 3 years since his stroke that I find it unbelievable that nothing was ever noticed. Should I feel that way about that? Is it right I should ask questions about that? Or wait till dad has passed before stirring the hornets’ nest?
Also can anyone offer any advice on what my next steps should be regarding sorting my dad’s will, insurance etc? I’ve already been searching for places to rent for my brother and myself due to the fact we live in a rented house now but will not be able to continue it due to the sheer cost etc.
Any advice will be welcomed.
Many thanks,
Rob
Bloody hell Rob, sorry to hear you're going through such a s
t time...
I'm not really sure I can offer much good advice with regards to sorting your dads affairs, having never been in a similar situation. But PH being what it is, I'm sure you'll get a wealth of good info.
Chin up mate.
Johnny
t time...I'm not really sure I can offer much good advice with regards to sorting your dads affairs, having never been in a similar situation. But PH being what it is, I'm sure you'll get a wealth of good info.
Chin up mate.
Johnny
Unfortunately, losing people we are close to is part of life. Two years ago I lost my mother and only a few weeks ago one of my closest friends died. We are currently involved in arranging her funeral. All I can say is steel yourself for the worst, grieve for the loss, if and when it happens, and try to remember the best parts of the relationship.
That's really bad news mate. I am really sorry for you. I think the best thing for you to do now is spend time with your Dad. Mentioning to the hospital why it was not found after plenty of scans won't make his health any better and will only add more stress for you. That can be dealt with later.
I don't really know what to say as advice sorry
I don't really know what to say as advice sorry
paoloh said:
Hi Rob,
My advice is to sort out somewhere to live as a priority. That will take a huge weight of your mind and allow you to deal with the other issues as they come along.
As for the affairs of your father, who is the executor of his will?
Regarding his Will, i don't know. Ive always been led to belive that he had it locked away in his safe at his shop. I went there yesterday and it wasn't there. I don't feel i can ask him where it is either as he doesn't know how bad he is and we don't want him to worry or get stressed. My advice is to sort out somewhere to live as a priority. That will take a huge weight of your mind and allow you to deal with the other issues as they come along.
As for the affairs of your father, who is the executor of his will?
Today im going to start searching his paper work here at home to start making heads or tales of who he has dealings with etc.
E36Rob said:
paoloh said:
Hi Rob,
My advice is to sort out somewhere to live as a priority. That will take a huge weight of your mind and allow you to deal with the other issues as they come along.
As for the affairs of your father, who is the executor of his will?
Regarding his Will, i don't know. Ive always been led to belive that he had it locked away in his safe at his shop. I went there yesterday and it wasn't there. I don't feel i can ask him where it is either as he doesn't know how bad he is and we don't want him to worry or get stressed. My advice is to sort out somewhere to live as a priority. That will take a huge weight of your mind and allow you to deal with the other issues as they come along.
As for the affairs of your father, who is the executor of his will?
Today im going to start searching his paper work here at home to start making heads or tales of who he has dealings with etc.
paoloh said:
E36Rob said:
paoloh said:
Hi Rob,
My advice is to sort out somewhere to live as a priority. That will take a huge weight of your mind and allow you to deal with the other issues as they come along.
As for the affairs of your father, who is the executor of his will?
Regarding his Will, i don't know. Ive always been led to belive that he had it locked away in his safe at his shop. I went there yesterday and it wasn't there. I don't feel i can ask him where it is either as he doesn't know how bad he is and we don't want him to worry or get stressed. My advice is to sort out somewhere to live as a priority. That will take a huge weight of your mind and allow you to deal with the other issues as they come along.
As for the affairs of your father, who is the executor of his will?
Today im going to start searching his paper work here at home to start making heads or tales of who he has dealings with etc.
Rob I don't know what to say my friend. I have known you for a good while now and you are a great chap who I have shared many a good weekend with. With that, as already stated, you can call upon me at any time.
I am not sure I can really help you in your plight but if there is something that you would like me to do even if its just making some calls for you just holla.
If you do bring your little bro with you down to Britcar next weekend if you think that thats what you would both like to do I will make sure and spend some time with him and make him feel very welcome. If he is anything like you he will fit in perfectly!
I can't really say much more Rob. Here if you need me, don't think twice about making the call!
My thoughts are with you and your little bro.
I am not sure I can really help you in your plight but if there is something that you would like me to do even if its just making some calls for you just holla.
If you do bring your little bro with you down to Britcar next weekend if you think that thats what you would both like to do I will make sure and spend some time with him and make him feel very welcome. If he is anything like you he will fit in perfectly!
I can't really say much more Rob. Here if you need me, don't think twice about making the call!
My thoughts are with you and your little bro.
E36Rob said:
paoloh said:
E36Rob said:
paoloh said:
Hi Rob,
My advice is to sort out somewhere to live as a priority. That will take a huge weight of your mind and allow you to deal with the other issues as they come along.
As for the affairs of your father, who is the executor of his will?
Regarding his Will, i don't know. Ive always been led to belive that he had it locked away in his safe at his shop. I went there yesterday and it wasn't there. I don't feel i can ask him where it is either as he doesn't know how bad he is and we don't want him to worry or get stressed. My advice is to sort out somewhere to live as a priority. That will take a huge weight of your mind and allow you to deal with the other issues as they come along.
As for the affairs of your father, who is the executor of his will?
Today im going to start searching his paper work here at home to start making heads or tales of who he has dealings with etc.
I hope you sort all of this out Rob.
As Eric, let the grieving happen, makes it an awful lot easier.
Sorry to hear about what you're going through.
Either way, while I can understand your anger, IMO your priority should be to make him as comfortable as you can and to finding you and your brother (How old is he? Is you mother an option at least for him?) somewhere to live.
E36Rob said:
I have a question that I will be putting forward to the hospital but they have said the cancer must have been growing for years. My father has been in for so many scans/tests over the last 3 years since his stroke that I find it unbelievable that nothing was ever noticed. Should I feel that way about that? Is it right I should ask questions about that? Or wait till dad has passed before stirring the hornets’ nest?
The scans and tests would have been focussing on his stroke and other known medical problems so they are unlikely to have considered looking at his bowel unless he had symptoms. Even then it may have been missed depending on what his communication was like since the stroke.Either way, while I can understand your anger, IMO your priority should be to make him as comfortable as you can and to finding you and your brother (How old is he? Is you mother an option at least for him?) somewhere to live.
Bill said:
Sorry to hear about what you're going through.
Either way, while I can understand your anger, IMO your priority should be to make him as comfortable as you can and to finding you and your brother (How old is he? Is you mother an option at least for him?) somewhere to live.
Many thanks,E36Rob said:
I have a question that I will be putting forward to the hospital but they have said the cancer must have been growing for years. My father has been in for so many scans/tests over the last 3 years since his stroke that I find it unbelievable that nothing was ever noticed. Should I feel that way about that? Is it right I should ask questions about that? Or wait till dad has passed before stirring the hornets’ nest?
The scans and tests would have been focussing on his stroke and other known medical problems so they are unlikely to have considered looking at his bowel unless he had symptoms. Even then it may have been missed depending on what his communication was like since the stroke.Either way, while I can understand your anger, IMO your priority should be to make him as comfortable as you can and to finding you and your brother (How old is he? Is you mother an option at least for him?) somewhere to live.
My brother is 22 as of last week, he has always been abit of a loose cannon when it comes to his emotions. Unfortunatly my mum isn't a option regarding somewhere to live as she lives about 100 miles away so we wouldnt be able to balance work from there. I will ask her to come down when we know dads going to go so that she can be here for us during that time but any longer than that isnt a option unfortunatly. I have spoke breifly with him regarding what we do next any we are both agreed we are going to find somewhere to rent together so that we can both start saving for our first houses rather than both fork out rent for our own places.
Very bad news. I recently went through something similar with my brother. He spent 26 days in intensive care and it was a real roller coaster ride of up's and downs with 4 calls from the hospital in that time to get there as soon as possible.
On the practical side of things you will need to sort some things out very quickly after his death. You need to register his death within five days. There is a very good website that explains the whole process of what you need to do and the time scales involved. The hospital will have a bereavement unit who will be able to advise you.
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandr...
Try to make sure you and your don't let yourself get run down to much. Grief is a physicaly draining process and it can take a long time to come to accept a loved ones death.
On the practical side of things you will need to sort some things out very quickly after his death. You need to register his death within five days. There is a very good website that explains the whole process of what you need to do and the time scales involved. The hospital will have a bereavement unit who will be able to advise you.
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandr...
Try to make sure you and your don't let yourself get run down to much. Grief is a physicaly draining process and it can take a long time to come to accept a loved ones death.
Blues said:
Rob, so sorry to read this.
YHM
Thank you David, i recieved your mail and will be in contact in the near future. YHM
Mike im already on it!
Been cracking away at getting a short list together.Ive also just booked myself a meeting at my local Citizens Advice Bureau to see what they can offer in the way of infomation.
Again, thank you all.
Sorry to hear your news Rob. I'd focus on spending as much time as possible with your Dad over the next couple of days and worry about the paperwork afterwards. If you do find any letters from solicitors amongst his papers, contact them - they may hold a copy of the will. If you can't find any such papers, I recommend you contact a local Probate solicitor anyway, they can explain what happens on an intestacy (where there is no will).
I wouldn't worry about suing hospitals unless you have strong indications of a misdiagnosis of the cancer. Even then, getting them to admit liability would be a long, stressful and expensive process and may have a disappointing result.
Good luck.
I wouldn't worry about suing hospitals unless you have strong indications of a misdiagnosis of the cancer. Even then, getting them to admit liability would be a long, stressful and expensive process and may have a disappointing result.
Good luck.
plasticpig said:
Very bad news. I recently went through something similar with my brother. He spent 26 days in intensive care and it was a real roller coaster ride of up's and downs with 4 calls from the hospital in that time to get there as soon as possible.
On the practical side of things you will need to sort some things out very quickly after his death. You need to register his death within five days. There is a very good website that explains the whole process of what you need to do and the time scales involved. The hospital will have a bereavement unit who will be able to advise you.
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandr...
Try to make sure you and your don't let yourself get run down to much. Grief is a physicaly draining process and it can take a long time to come to accept a loved ones death.
Thank you i will read this!On the practical side of things you will need to sort some things out very quickly after his death. You need to register his death within five days. There is a very good website that explains the whole process of what you need to do and the time scales involved. The hospital will have a bereavement unit who will be able to advise you.
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandr...
Try to make sure you and your don't let yourself get run down to much. Grief is a physicaly draining process and it can take a long time to come to accept a loved ones death.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff