Recovering from a nutcase

[madrob6]

Well the topic name may be an exagerration but it makes me feel better. Any way this may be considered a bit of a whingefest but I'd like to get it off my chest.

So recently I broke up with my girlfriend after finally realising that she was actually the main cause of misery. Well to be fair it wasn't a recent realisation but due to her inability to look after herself I felt like an utter just for considering throwing her out on her own. So I did what any idiot in my situation would do, after driving me up the wall I spotted an opportunity for her to move back in with her family which I suggested she does even if it's for my sanity. After a while she does not cope well with such a situation and once again I grow weak to complaints and feeling like an arse so I cave in like I know oh so well I shouldn't, this goes on for about a month.

Despite doing my best to help said girlfriend over her issues including offering to pay for help and even offering to stick around for sessions she does very little to accept help or indeed help herself. I have been putting up with my friends asking me why I'm even still with said girlfriend for the last year now and when I search my soul the only answers I can come up with are a) I don't like making people sad and b) I don't think that she will have the backbone to get over it without considering something stupid.

Now (if you haven't already given up reading this due to my babbling) the main reasons for me wanting to exit said relationship are (in bullet points for all you presentation fans):

• I have felt nothing towards her other than friendship and resent
• I have had absolutely no energy/motivation in any part of my life due to the crap
• I have spent all of my time outside of work playing games and (on the plus side) working on my car just to escape problems

Yet for some reason I'm still either too much of a pussy or too scared that she might do something stupid to tell her to do one. So far I have attempted to keep her as a friend acknowledging the fact that I am one of her good friends but still attempt to try and return my life to some form of natural balance.

So great PHers, am I a dick for letting somebody with such an inability to survive by themselves do so or am I in the right for looking after myself? To be honest despite it being about a month ago I still feel like a bit of a dick but I'm certainly willing to listen to people from the other camp.

I accept all responsibility for all ribbing I may receive due to bad grammar, spelling or dribble.

[collateral]

Sounds like you care a lot about her (and I've been there), but staying with someone only because of how they might react if you chuck them isn't reason enough to keep it together imo

[madrob6]

Well I care about her as a friend, I'd hate for anybody I'd been close to for the last 3 years to just throw everything away just for me. It's already ended, I know that, she's convinced that she's going to get another chance. Either way, it's over.

[tossbag]

If she has in any way said she would do anything at all to herself if you left her, threaten to tell her Dad about it.
I have been where you are, she won't like that.

[Spitfire2]

If its not working and its never gonna work (Which it seems like you have realised) then making the break is the only way.

The sooner you end the relationship "clearly" then the sooner she'll get over it and move on.

Hard yes ..... but when you know somethings REALLY over its much easier to move on than when you "think there's a chance of getting back together".

[madrob6]

Well I considered contacting her Dad quite a while ago (he's living several miles away now with a new family) and I have a lot of respect for him, he's a good bloke, I just doubt how much she'd listen to him as she seems to see him as more of a piggy bank for when times are hard.

Still I may contact him if she threatens anything silly.

[tossbag]

Spitfire2 said:

If its not working and its never gonna work (Which it seems like you have realised) then making the break is the only way.

The sooner you end the relationship "clearly" then the sooner she'll get over it and move on.

Hard yes ..... but when you know somethings REALLY over its much easier to move on than when you "think there's a chance of getting back together".

All true,. but he is worried about her reaction which I can totally understand.
An ex of mine was the same, and the only way I could slap her into reality when she threatened doing something daft was saying to her that 'I am going to tell your dad you said that'
Grim times for me, but it was my first proper realationship, I learned a hell of a lot from it too.

[tossbag]

madrob6 said:

Well I considered contacting her Dad quite a while ago (he's living several miles away now with a new family) and I have a lot of respect for him, he's a good bloke, I just doubt how much she'd listen to him as she seems to see him as more of a piggy bank for when times are hard.

Still I may contact him if she threatens anything silly.

You don't even have to contact him, just tell her you will, see how she reacts.
You do know she won't do anything silly if you leave her right? You do know that even if she did (she won't) that it is in no way your problem?

[madrob6]

tossbag said:

Spitfire2 said:

If its not working and its never gonna work (Which it seems like you have realised) then making the break is the only way.

The sooner you end the relationship "clearly" then the sooner she'll get over it and move on.

Hard yes ..... but when you know somethings REALLY over its much easier to move on than when you "think there's a chance of getting back together".

All true,. but he is worried about her reaction which I can totally understand.
An ex of mine was the same, and the only way I could slap her into reality when she threatened doing something daft was saying to her that 'I am going to tell your dad you said that'
Grim times for me, but it was my first proper realationship, I learned a hell of a lot from it too.

As much as I appreciate the advice I have told her that it's over, she just twisted it into her head and told herself that I said "we need a break". I told her that's not what I said but she still insists that she just needs a second chance and that she can't go on without me.

I put this down to the fact that I'm the only boyfriend of hers that hasn't cheated on her.

[tossbag]

madrob6 said:

tossbag said:

Spitfire2 said:

If its not working and its never gonna work (Which it seems like you have realised) then making the break is the only way.

The sooner you end the relationship "clearly" then the sooner she'll get over it and move on.

Hard yes ..... but when you know somethings REALLY over its much easier to move on than when you "think there's a chance of getting back together".

All true,. but he is worried about her reaction which I can totally understand.
An ex of mine was the same, and the only way I could slap her into reality when she threatened doing something daft was saying to her that 'I am going to tell your dad you said that'
Grim times for me, but it was my first proper realationship, I learned a hell of a lot from it too.

As much as I appreciate the advice I have told her that it's over, she just twisted it into her head and told herself that I said "we need a break". I told her that's not what I said but she still insists that she just needs a second chance and that she can't go on without me.

I put this down to the fact that I'm the only boyfriend of hers that hasn't cheated on her.

I put this down to every day she still thinks you are going to get back together is another day you are being held to ransom.
Tell her you are seeing someone.

[madrob6]

tossbag said:

madrob6 said:

tossbag said:

Spitfire2 said:

If its not working and its never gonna work (Which it seems like you have realised) then making the break is the only way.

The sooner you end the relationship "clearly" then the sooner she'll get over it and move on.

Hard yes ..... but when you know somethings REALLY over its much easier to move on than when you "think there's a chance of getting back together".

All true,. but he is worried about her reaction which I can totally understand.
An ex of mine was the same, and the only way I could slap her into reality when she threatened doing something daft was saying to her that 'I am going to tell your dad you said that'
Grim times for me, but it was my first proper realationship, I learned a hell of a lot from it too.

As much as I appreciate the advice I have told her that it's over, she just twisted it into her head and told herself that I said "we need a break". I told her that's not what I said but she still insists that she just needs a second chance and that she can't go on without me.

I put this down to the fact that I'm the only boyfriend of hers that hasn't cheated on her.

I put this down to every day she still thinks you are going to get back together is another day you are being held to ransom.
Tell her you are seeing someone.

Knowing her that will mean I get bombarded with a small horde of questions. Just tonight I got asked a small barrage of questions because I spent the night at a friend's house withs his girlfriend. My abrupt answer resulted in a sulking.

I've told her I'm not seeing anybody and I have no interest in seeing anybody including her as that's the truth, I just want to get myself back on track at the moment and forget about trying to deal with other people.

[tossbag]

Do that then, and when she phones, give it one word answers, her problem here is letting go and yours is letting her let go.
Abrupt to be kind.

[tossbag]

Just as an aside, you say you are a web designer, as just a designer you may not be aware of this but the website in your profile has this:



Going on.
Hundreds of links back to the same page will have you blacklisted on Google, it's very bad practice.

Edit: You also have a hell of a lot of copyrighted images on there too.

Edited by tossbag on Saturday 28th November 01:14

[madrob6]

Well on a more positive note here are some of the things I have enjoyed.

• working on my car without any interruptions
• I can do what I want without questions
• I plan my life around me not around her
• I have freedom to do whatever I want

and now I can't even remember what the original point was.....isn't whiskey grand?

[tossbag]

Well, on a more serious note, if you did put that site together you are a thief:



http://www.tineye.com/search/2ec42d28d82e49611fa12...

But you know, someone hired that photographer and model to take that image, the world and his wife seem to be stealing it and you are among those people it would seem.
The nutter is the least of your problems mate if you think that's cool.

[maser_spyder]

A difficult situation, to be sure, but I think you're going in the right direction by the sounds of it.

Oh, and can I be the first to say (given I'm sure you expected this all along really).

GROW SOME, DUDE!

[ShadownINja]

How'd you know it didn't come from a CD of stock images? I have purchased similar CDs in the past.

[madrob6]

Tossbag: all images on the site are purchased from istockphoto AFAIK, if you know otherwise let me know via PM and I'd be happy to chase it up. I'm proud of my work and am always looking to better myself so please let me know of any criticisms.

[madrob6]

tbh a lot of images I am given to use via istockphoto.com. I've never encountered TinEye before until tonight and whilst under the influence of certain beverages I'm probably not in the greatest situation to look into such matters further until later on.

[tossbag]

Stock CDs maybe.
The horrible link farming though, you need to sort that out Google will kill you if and when they see what you are upto there.
Just an observation.