Family problems - between fiance and step-mum
Discussion
Hi,
Not really sure if I should post this or not - never done a "serious" thread before but would like a little bit of insight into what others think.
Over the 5ish years, the fiancé and I have been together, we have been over to see my Dad and step mum maybe 5 or so times. I have been over a good few more times than that on my own because the fiancé hasn't been able to make it for one reason or another. Of the occasions that we have been over, the step-mum has always been quite blunt with my partner and sometimes quite rude. Most of the time, we brushed it off and moved on - no point in making a scene. Not sure if the step-mum realises she does it - her attitude would suggest she doesn't. It has upset my fiancé though. The last time however was too much, the step-mum making a big deal about something at my dad's birthday do, in front of all the family. I stood my ground and put our thoughts on the table, cue us walking out and leaving.
Basically, I want my family to get on. My fiancé's feelings towards step-mum have now been "cemented" and now is extremely unwilling to see her, and therefore my dad also (obviously come as a package). My dad and step mum want to apologise and put things right for the birthday incident although they seem unaware of how step-mum has been towards my fiancé on previous occasions. As such, fiancé thinks that things will be difficult at the apology/Christmas meal I want to happen and that things won't fundamentally change.
So basically, I am wondering if I should push/force the get-together sooner rather than later so that things can be put behind us all, and move on, but potentially not have everything sorted because how the step-mum is is unlikely to change a huge amount.
I haven't gone into every detail due to not wanting a 5 page OP, so if anything doesn't make sense or more info is needed for completeness, just say.
Thanks
M
Not really sure if I should post this or not - never done a "serious" thread before but would like a little bit of insight into what others think.
Over the 5ish years, the fiancé and I have been together, we have been over to see my Dad and step mum maybe 5 or so times. I have been over a good few more times than that on my own because the fiancé hasn't been able to make it for one reason or another. Of the occasions that we have been over, the step-mum has always been quite blunt with my partner and sometimes quite rude. Most of the time, we brushed it off and moved on - no point in making a scene. Not sure if the step-mum realises she does it - her attitude would suggest she doesn't. It has upset my fiancé though. The last time however was too much, the step-mum making a big deal about something at my dad's birthday do, in front of all the family. I stood my ground and put our thoughts on the table, cue us walking out and leaving.
Basically, I want my family to get on. My fiancé's feelings towards step-mum have now been "cemented" and now is extremely unwilling to see her, and therefore my dad also (obviously come as a package). My dad and step mum want to apologise and put things right for the birthday incident although they seem unaware of how step-mum has been towards my fiancé on previous occasions. As such, fiancé thinks that things will be difficult at the apology/Christmas meal I want to happen and that things won't fundamentally change.
So basically, I am wondering if I should push/force the get-together sooner rather than later so that things can be put behind us all, and move on, but potentially not have everything sorted because how the step-mum is is unlikely to change a huge amount.
I haven't gone into every detail due to not wanting a 5 page OP, so if anything doesn't make sense or more info is needed for completeness, just say.
Thanks
M
Your fiance is the centre of your world.
Your Step whatever sounds like a
. She has a problem with you and your other hald turning up as they distract your Dad from her selfish self.Take care of what's important.
Do what YOU want.
Sovvy's Grandad said:
You will NEVER please everyone, so please yourself, lad.
Edited by Soovy on Wednesday 16th December 10:51
My mum had a 'troubled' relationship with my dad's step-mother. Lasted 30+ years and lead to a lot of resentment and friction. It only ended with the death of his step-mother (who was a nasty piece of work to be honest). Of all of the potential regrets that my mum said she could have, there is only one - that she didn't stand up to the battered old hag sooner and resolve the relationship in the beginning.
Sad that this happens, but it does. Maybe it needs to be resolved and everyone needs to know where you all stand - because it can fester.
Sad that this happens, but it does. Maybe it needs to be resolved and everyone needs to know where you all stand - because it can fester.
One of the problems is that whenever I go and see my Dad, he asks me when she is next coming over. He genuinely wants her to come over, and it would upset him quite a bit I reckon if I was 100% truthful with him. I know its the best course of action overall, but I want to see if there is anything I can do to avoid any hurt towards my dad, and obviously to my fiance. As Soovy correctly stated, she is the centre of my world and the most important person in all of this.
I think the apology should take place away from an "event" like Christmas.
Your fiance and step-mum do need to resolve it, but it should be done at another time, and it should be done somewhere where everyone , you included, can have your say. Neutral Ground is fine, but a public arena wont be.
Your step-mum needs to be told where she's gone wrong (try to be nice, but if not, not) there may also be things she dislikes about your fiance... so your o/h had better be prepared to hear them.
ETa, You say you want to avoid hurting your dad. Sorry chum, I think that is unavoidable, but doing it now will mean the hurt is small scale, leave it to fester between your o/h and step mum and it won't be.
Your fiance and step-mum do need to resolve it, but it should be done at another time, and it should be done somewhere where everyone , you included, can have your say. Neutral Ground is fine, but a public arena wont be.
Your step-mum needs to be told where she's gone wrong (try to be nice, but if not, not) there may also be things she dislikes about your fiance... so your o/h had better be prepared to hear them.
ETa, You say you want to avoid hurting your dad. Sorry chum, I think that is unavoidable, but doing it now will mean the hurt is small scale, leave it to fester between your o/h and step mum and it won't be.
Edited by scotal on Wednesday 16th December 11:08
Max Turbo said:
My dad and step mum want to apologise and put things right for the birthday incident although they seem unaware of how step-mum has been towards my fiancé on previous occasions. As such, fiancé thinks that things will be difficult at the apology/Christmas meal I want to happen and that things won't fundamentally change.
So basically, I am wondering if I should push/force the get-together sooner rather than later so that things can be put behind us all, and move on, but potentially not have everything sorted because how the step-mum is is unlikely to change a huge amount.
So why do your dad + Step mum want to apologise? I would say that if then cant see how their previous behaviour has been sub-standard than they are not really serious about sorting things, just papering over so they can do the nicey family xmas thing.So basically, I am wondering if I should push/force the get-together sooner rather than later so that things can be put behind us all, and move on, but potentially not have everything sorted because how the step-mum is is unlikely to change a huge amount.
I think your fiance is quite right and if I were her there would be no way that I would want to spend my thingymas dinner with your family. You should decide how important the fiance is to you and act accordingly. From your story, it is your family that is the problem.
I would do xmas on your own - just you and the gf.
(you could shorten all of this to typical ph type advice - 'Grow Some, you're an adult')
Max Turbo said:
One of the problems is that whenever I go and see my Dad, he asks me when she is next coming over. He genuinely wants her to come over, and it would upset him quite a bit I reckon if I was 100% truthful with him. I know its the best course of action overall, but I want to see if there is anything I can do to avoid any hurt towards my dad, and obviously to my fiance. As Soovy correctly stated, she is the centre of my world and the most important person in all of this.
Take your Dad out for a pint. Tell him the truth, gently.Say your fiance doesn't feel comfrtable and that your stepmum upsets her. That it's nothing to do with him, it's her.
If your Dad can't sort her out then he'll have to not see your fiance.
scotal said:
I think the apology should take place away from an "event" like Christmas.
Your fiance and step-mum do need to resolve it, but it should be done at another time, and it should be done somewhere where everyone , you included, can have your say. Neutral Ground is fine, but a public arena wont be.
Your step-mum needs to be told where she's gone wrong (try to be nice, but if not, not) there may also be things she dislikes about your fiance... so your o/h had better be prepared to hear them.
Sounds very sensible. I rather foolishly (in hindsight) agreed for us to go over this weekend for a meal and drinks, to put things behind us. I can either:Your fiance and step-mum do need to resolve it, but it should be done at another time, and it should be done somewhere where everyone , you included, can have your say. Neutral Ground is fine, but a public arena wont be.
Your step-mum needs to be told where she's gone wrong (try to be nice, but if not, not) there may also be things she dislikes about your fiance... so your o/h had better be prepared to hear them.
a) Make up some reason for not going
b) Be honest, and say that fiance needs a bit more time before she wants to see step-mum
c) We go over (although this seems at least 103% unlikely based on conversations had with OH)
d) Something else
ARGH - hate all this sort of crap !
Soovy said:
Max Turbo said:
One of the problems is that whenever I go and see my Dad, he asks me when she is next coming over. He genuinely wants her to come over, and it would upset him quite a bit I reckon if I was 100% truthful with him. I know its the best course of action overall, but I want to see if there is anything I can do to avoid any hurt towards my dad, and obviously to my fiance. As Soovy correctly stated, she is the centre of my world and the most important person in all of this.
Take your Dad out for a pint. Tell him the truth, gently.Say your fiance doesn't feel comfrtable and that your stepmum upsets her. That it's nothing to do with him, it's her.
If your Dad can't sort her out then he'll have to not see your fiance.
Thanks everyone - nice to get others' thoughts on a difficult situation
It sounds like your step-mother is jealous - of your girl and of your dad's relationship with you and your girl.
I have to say I'm quite black and white about these things. Your fiancée is going to be your wife and therefore comes first, if your step-mother can't be civil then shut her out.
A911DOM said:
No-one else interested to know what the step-mum is saying thats so offensive!?
Seriously though - Pint with your dad and honesty should sort it!
Nothing juicy, I'm afraid!Seriously though - Pint with your dad and honesty should sort it!
All things that I would brush off, but I am slightly more thick skinned than my OH. It's been more of a case of the straw that broke the camel's back. I will give you one example. At Dad's party, the meal - she makes a nice comment about how pretty my brother's wife and how pretty my step brother's girlfriend are, and absolutely nothing towards my OH, who was sitting in between the two others. What with me and my partner being from other sides of the country, step mum asked OH why she was following me around like a puppy or somesuch although I only recently learnt this.
Max Turbo said:
A911DOM said:
No-one else interested to know what the step-mum is saying thats so offensive!?
Seriously though - Pint with your dad and honesty should sort it!
Nothing juicy, I'm afraid!Seriously though - Pint with your dad and honesty should sort it!
All things that I would brush off, but I am slightly more thick skinned than my OH. It's been more of a case of the straw that broke the camel's back. I will give you one example. At Dad's party, the meal - she makes a nice comment about how pretty my brother's wife and how pretty my step brother's girlfriend are, and absolutely nothing towards my OH, who was sitting in between the two others. What with me and my partner being from other sides of the country, step mum asked OH why she was following me around like a puppy or somesuch although I only recently learnt this.
Your dad must know what she has a problem with, she must have made a comment.
If you ask him to go for a pint (apart from enjoying your company) he's going to guess you want to talk about something and will probably be ready for the question anyway!
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff