Family problem - Dad wont listen.
Discussion
How do I tell my Dad that what he does has consequences for the rest of our family and, more importantly, my Mum? He retired 10 years ago and has recently decided to "play" with their finances, changing credit cards and investing small amounts in the market, all on-line. My Mum always looks after the finances and the house and was unaware of his activities until the phone calls started. He is making basic mistakes, forgetting passwords, missing details out on application forms, and on one occasion, putting the wrong account number on a credit card application resulting in all their existing cards being cancelled!
The issue isn't the actual "playing" but the fact that when confronted with the mistakes he will not admit his error and will not sort the problem out. " I didn't make a mistake it's them, they screwed up", "They've changed my password witout telling me!" etc.
When I came home for Christmas my mum was very stressed ( 70 years old ) and asked me to broach the subject with him as she doesn't use the internet and doesn't know what to do. I tried to be non-confrontational but he thinks I'm interfering and has dug his heels in. It's now at the stage where the situation needs sorting out but I don't know what to do, Mum daren't broach the subject with him as he becomes agressive ( verbally ) and then sulks for days, so i turn to the PH massive for your advice and wisdom. What do I do?
The issue isn't the actual "playing" but the fact that when confronted with the mistakes he will not admit his error and will not sort the problem out. " I didn't make a mistake it's them, they screwed up", "They've changed my password witout telling me!" etc.
When I came home for Christmas my mum was very stressed ( 70 years old ) and asked me to broach the subject with him as she doesn't use the internet and doesn't know what to do. I tried to be non-confrontational but he thinks I'm interfering and has dug his heels in. It's now at the stage where the situation needs sorting out but I don't know what to do, Mum daren't broach the subject with him as he becomes agressive ( verbally ) and then sulks for days, so i turn to the PH massive for your advice and wisdom. What do I do?
BliarOut said:
Was he aggressive before this started?
He's ex-forces and has poor interpersonal skills so he gets nasty and has always had a short temper. Never physicaly violent, but verbally agressive, " shut up you stupid woman, you don't know what you're on about" etc , always been this way as far as i recall.Herbie58 said:
Sounds like he is bored.
Retired, feeling useless, no purpose. Probably trying to find something to make him feel his brain is still active and he can achieve things.
Get him another hobby or interest.
He's a mad keen golfer, was captain of the local club, but his agressive manner has lost him the respect of many members and he has to be a member at two local clubs so when he pisses off one group he can play at the other club for a couple of months, and on and on. Retired, feeling useless, no purpose. Probably trying to find something to make him feel his brain is still active and he can achieve things.
Get him another hobby or interest.
The parental lock idea crossed my mind, but he would go mental, and just find another way to use the internet. Much of the activity has occured at the golf club where they have free internet access, so i can't think of a way to censor that? He's up there every day, even under 6 inches of snow, he uses the 19th hole for most of the day ( 10-5pm ) then comes home and sits at his computer playing solitaire ubtil bed time!
As for training my Mum to use the computer, it took me three months to train her to use a mobile, and another two months for texting! The internet terrifies her and she won't entertain the idea of learning, even at an evening class with others of her age group.
As for training my Mum to use the computer, it took me three months to train her to use a mobile, and another two months for texting! The internet terrifies her and she won't entertain the idea of learning, even at an evening class with others of her age group.
VX Foxy said:
Killer2005 said:
Parental lock on the computer?
Sorry, but PMSL!You could let him read this thread?
, I'm not that keen to be disinherited! And i do love my Mum, so having her murdered by a raging Scottish ex-squaddie who i'd then have to visit in prison, doesn't really appeal. 
elster said:
First of all you will want to do a credit search to get you a list of people to deal with.
Great idea! Actually hadn't thought of that. Now i'm wondering what else i might find he's done.On the issue of it being a possible sign of dementia, it's not that he forgets what he's done, it's more that he knows he's screwed up and is embarrased about admitting it, so gets agressive as a defence mechanism. I will still look into the dementia side of things, but don't think it's a real issue or cause at the moment. Thanks for all the replies so far everyone, i knew i could count on you!
SteveNorthEast said:
Show him some FREE internet porn sites to distract him away from the finance ones?
Being honest, that was more the sort of reply i was expecting 
, shocked it took so long! Anyway, i'm keeping those sites secret for now, can you imagine my mums face when some dodgy "webcam hag ladyboy in a box" from Thailand arrives via DHL 
I'm not sure about the doctors as an option, he'd never go. I'm don't think deminished mental capacity is the issue. He doesn't show any signs of having changed in recent years. It's more a case of he knows when he has screwed up but will not admit it for fear of looking old and stupid, so he gets agressive as a defence or sulks off to the golf club. I think a talk is all he needs as he genuinely doesn't realise what his stubborn attitude is doing to others. I just can't seem to broach the subject with him without him getting wound up. Anyone got any methods for dealing with people like this? There must be some psychology expets with a few tricks out there. Conflict resolution or something? 
sy534534 said:
I'm not sure about the doctors as an option, he'd never go. I'm don't think deminished mental capacity is the issue. He doesn't show any signs of having changed in recent years. It's more a case of he knows when he has screwed up but will not admit it for fear of looking old and stupid, so he gets agressive as a defence or sulks off to the golf club. I think a talk is all he needs as he genuinely doesn't realise what his stubborn attitude is doing to others. I just can't seem to broach the subject with him without him getting wound up. Anyone got any methods for dealing with people like this? There must be some psychology expets with a few tricks out there. Conflict resolution or something?
My dad is exactly the same, only he's a bit younger. I'm not sure age is anything to do with it though as he's been like it all his life according to my mum. He's almost like a child in the way he will make a mistake and never admit he is at fault, apologise or take responsibility for his actions. You can back him into a corner with an industrial strength barricade (metaphorically!) and he'll still deny/skirt around the issue. It's come to the point now where no amount of reasoning gets anywhere, so I leave him to it, whilst trying my best not to ever behave in the way that he does.
sy534534 said:
I'm not sure about the doctors as an option, he'd never go. I'm don't think deminished mental capacity is the issue. He doesn't show any signs of having changed in recent years. It's more a case of he knows when he has screwed up but will not admit it for fear of looking old and stupid, so he gets agressive as a defence or sulks off to the golf club. I think a talk is all he needs as he genuinely doesn't realise what his stubborn attitude is doing to others. I just can't seem to broach the subject with him without him getting wound up. Anyone got any methods for dealing with people like this? There must be some psychology expets with a few tricks out there. Conflict resolution or something?
It may be too late as you have confronted him and he will see through you, but you may want to feign an interest and ask if you can team up with him and learn from his previous experience of good and bad punts. Surely he has not screwed up every time and would be willing to discuss those experiences as a start? Then over time, you could ask what to avoid, which may get another conversation going. If you are involved with his dealings, then you may be able to input and regulate his activity a bit going forward.IMO, from what you say, it does not sound like the onset of dementia that I have seen in older relatives, which is a good thing. With respect, it just sounds like he's not very good at what he is trying to do at times. So, if he is showing no signs of s
tting in a sock and hiding it under the bed, or disappearing for days on end with no explanation, then he is not on the same road as my ex wife's dad with his Alzheimer's. Nasty stuff that.Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff