Government plans further price doubling, exclusive.
Discussion
The Government thinktank that devised the brilliantly simple idea to reduce binge drinking by doubling the price of alcohol have revealed a number of new proposals based upon the same concept.
Following months of exhaustive research, the team have identified numerous areas where the idea could be effectively introduced, potentially saving the country millions on the cost of running the NHS.
We were able to get hold of the proposals before the announcement, and can confirm the following will be covered:
1. The thinktank identified that last year alone, doctors treated over 300 hundred victims who had near drowning experiences when visiting swimming pools and beaches. They believe that doubling the cost of swimming costumes would reduce this figure by 50%, and also help prevent injustice of fashion by overweight men who think a speedo is suitable beachwear. The price of tankini's will remain unaffected.
2. Hospitals treat thousands of DIY injuries a year, the thinktank believe that doubling the price of ladders will reduce this by 30%. The price of hammers will also be doubled, which should reduce finger related injuries by 50%, and violent muggings by 20%.
3. The war on knife crime will also be included, with the thinktank concluding that by increasing the cost of knives by 50% should reduce knife crime by the same amount. This should also reduce the number of carrot related injuries, especially to those who try to cut the carrot immediately after removing it from the fridge while it is still cold. The thinktank may propose doubling the price of fridges to reduce the number of people who put their carrots in the fridge in the first place.
4. During the winter months, and particularly due to global warming resulting in larger than usual amount of snow and ice, the thinktank found that hospital visits due to slips and falls increased by 70%. To reduce this, the thinktank propose that the price of shoes should be doubled, thereby preventing people going out into the snow in the first place. The thinktank believes that this will reduce hospital visits by 93%, especially since it is illegal to drive without shoes, meaning only people within shoeless walking distance of a hospital will be able to get to it. Flip-flops will be outlawed completely.
We managed to speak to one of the thinktank, who was very excited about the new proposals, and confirmed "it was one of us fat cigar smoking suits that came up with the idea, the government has paid us millions, so now we can all go and retire somewhere else. I mean, who the hell would want to live in this country, have you seen the price of things?" He also went on to say "f**k it, we may as well double the price of everything, that way we half the risk of anything happening to anyone and could save the NHS millions which they can waste fighting the threat of swine flu, or whichever type of animal flu they choose to turn into a pandemic next."
Following months of exhaustive research, the team have identified numerous areas where the idea could be effectively introduced, potentially saving the country millions on the cost of running the NHS.
We were able to get hold of the proposals before the announcement, and can confirm the following will be covered:
1. The thinktank identified that last year alone, doctors treated over 300 hundred victims who had near drowning experiences when visiting swimming pools and beaches. They believe that doubling the cost of swimming costumes would reduce this figure by 50%, and also help prevent injustice of fashion by overweight men who think a speedo is suitable beachwear. The price of tankini's will remain unaffected.
2. Hospitals treat thousands of DIY injuries a year, the thinktank believe that doubling the price of ladders will reduce this by 30%. The price of hammers will also be doubled, which should reduce finger related injuries by 50%, and violent muggings by 20%.
3. The war on knife crime will also be included, with the thinktank concluding that by increasing the cost of knives by 50% should reduce knife crime by the same amount. This should also reduce the number of carrot related injuries, especially to those who try to cut the carrot immediately after removing it from the fridge while it is still cold. The thinktank may propose doubling the price of fridges to reduce the number of people who put their carrots in the fridge in the first place.
4. During the winter months, and particularly due to global warming resulting in larger than usual amount of snow and ice, the thinktank found that hospital visits due to slips and falls increased by 70%. To reduce this, the thinktank propose that the price of shoes should be doubled, thereby preventing people going out into the snow in the first place. The thinktank believes that this will reduce hospital visits by 93%, especially since it is illegal to drive without shoes, meaning only people within shoeless walking distance of a hospital will be able to get to it. Flip-flops will be outlawed completely.
We managed to speak to one of the thinktank, who was very excited about the new proposals, and confirmed "it was one of us fat cigar smoking suits that came up with the idea, the government has paid us millions, so now we can all go and retire somewhere else. I mean, who the hell would want to live in this country, have you seen the price of things?" He also went on to say "f**k it, we may as well double the price of everything, that way we half the risk of anything happening to anyone and could save the NHS millions which they can waste fighting the threat of swine flu, or whichever type of animal flu they choose to turn into a pandemic next."
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