Raising another man's child
Discussion
Long and short of it, got with a girl who had a 5 month old baby girl. The Dad wasn't bothering much at the time and I spent pretty much every day with them both since I started seeing her.
As time went on I became Daddy, she bacame my daughter, my decision, didn't have it forced upon me. I love the little girl to bits and feel very proud when I'm out and about with her. Even when people ask where she gets her light curly hair from, as I've got thick black hair!
Her real Dad is back on the scene, I've nothing against him, we are pleasant to eachother and I would never do anything to jeapordise his relationship with her, he has accepted that I'm playing a fathering role to her, so hopefully no worries on that front.
My biggest concern is that, even though I've bonded with her very well, I'm worried that when I have a child of my own, I may feel something for him/her that I won't ever feel for my partners girl, and I don't want this to have a negative effect on our relationship, her feeling I don't love her as much etc....
Or am I just thinking too much? Any of you raised/raising another mans child and gone on to have children of your own?
As time went on I became Daddy, she bacame my daughter, my decision, didn't have it forced upon me. I love the little girl to bits and feel very proud when I'm out and about with her. Even when people ask where she gets her light curly hair from, as I've got thick black hair!
Her real Dad is back on the scene, I've nothing against him, we are pleasant to eachother and I would never do anything to jeapordise his relationship with her, he has accepted that I'm playing a fathering role to her, so hopefully no worries on that front.
My biggest concern is that, even though I've bonded with her very well, I'm worried that when I have a child of my own, I may feel something for him/her that I won't ever feel for my partners girl, and I don't want this to have a negative effect on our relationship, her feeling I don't love her as much etc....
Or am I just thinking too much? Any of you raised/raising another mans child and gone on to have children of your own?
I could soon be in the same situation as the OP, I get on really well with her kid and love him to bits, but have asked the same question to myself sometimes, and if I'm truthfully honest, I would like to say I would treat them both as if they were mine and play no favourites. but it will be hard to do that with one kid knowing that you are not his dad.
I met my partner when her son was 4. She'd had a bad time with his dad and it took a few years (about 4) until she was ready to settle down. The son is now 13, and our daughter is 4.
The son is a pleasant lad who I love to bits. I'm not blind, he is very much his fathers son and can manipulate with the best of them. He's had his wild times, and some of that I think is the very different standards between his dads house and ours. We believe in 'boundaries', not overly strict, but certainly more strict than his dad was.
He's keen to grow up too fast, to his dads delight, not his mothers.
When he turned 12 he became much harder to manage at home and at school. His dad was concentrating on being his best mate, while we (I) had to cope with his behaviour. A mutual decision was eventually made that he should live with his dad. At this stage I did differentiate as his behaviour was affecting our daughter negatively. It's actually rather good now, as his dad gets the behaviour problems and I get to be his mate, within reason.
I'd give him anything, just as much as my daughter, and where he feels I'm being 'tight' I would be equally 'tight' with my daughter at that age and demeanor.
The hardest thing that we both found was the dad being a mate and not a dad. It would take a few days for him to settle down after he had spent time with his dad.
In terms of feeling different, I have not found it to be too great an issue really.
The son is a pleasant lad who I love to bits. I'm not blind, he is very much his fathers son and can manipulate with the best of them. He's had his wild times, and some of that I think is the very different standards between his dads house and ours. We believe in 'boundaries', not overly strict, but certainly more strict than his dad was.
He's keen to grow up too fast, to his dads delight, not his mothers.
When he turned 12 he became much harder to manage at home and at school. His dad was concentrating on being his best mate, while we (I) had to cope with his behaviour. A mutual decision was eventually made that he should live with his dad. At this stage I did differentiate as his behaviour was affecting our daughter negatively. It's actually rather good now, as his dad gets the behaviour problems and I get to be his mate, within reason.
I'd give him anything, just as much as my daughter, and where he feels I'm being 'tight' I would be equally 'tight' with my daughter at that age and demeanor.
The hardest thing that we both found was the dad being a mate and not a dad. It would take a few days for him to settle down after he had spent time with his dad.
In terms of feeling different, I have not found it to be too great an issue really.
Edited by davidjpowell on Sunday 28th February 00:03
If you are acting as father to both, you will end up treating them the same if you have raised the other from such a young age.
Most of the time, it wont be an issue. Sometimes, it will perhaps play on your mind, but possibly only as more of a guilt thing, rather than anything else. IE you may be worried that you might be treating them differently, when actually, you aren't.
Just go with the flow - if you are talking a couple of years ahead, you will have built up a pretty strong bond with the existing kid that will be hard to break.
Most of the time, it wont be an issue. Sometimes, it will perhaps play on your mind, but possibly only as more of a guilt thing, rather than anything else. IE you may be worried that you might be treating them differently, when actually, you aren't.
Just go with the flow - if you are talking a couple of years ahead, you will have built up a pretty strong bond with the existing kid that will be hard to break.
Rollcage said:
If you are acting as father to both, you will end up treating them the same if you have raised the other from such a young age.
Most of the time, it wont be an issue. Sometimes, it will perhaps play on your mind, but possibly only as more of a guilt thing, rather than anything else. IE you may be worried that you might be treating them differently, when actually, you aren't.
Just go with the flow - if you are talking a couple of years ahead, you will have built up a pretty strong bond with the existing kid that will be hard to break.
Yeh, not planning for any for a few years and already have a very strong bond with her! Most of the time, it wont be an issue. Sometimes, it will perhaps play on your mind, but possibly only as more of a guilt thing, rather than anything else. IE you may be worried that you might be treating them differently, when actually, you aren't.
Just go with the flow - if you are talking a couple of years ahead, you will have built up a pretty strong bond with the existing kid that will be hard to break.
I don't think it would ever happen, but I don't want her to ever feel that I don't love her as much as my own child.
It might be an issue for the mother, though. It's not unkonwn, when there are arguments about how the child should behave, be disciplined etc for the mother to insist on having her way because she's the mother and you are only a stand-in father. Not saying it will happen, and if the woman has any sense it won't, but woman can get very cross and very possessive, and it's just as well to be mentally prepared for if that ever happens.
singlecoil said:
It might be an issue for the mother, though. It's not unkonwn, when there are arguments about how the child should behave, be disciplined etc for the mother to insist on having her way because she's the mother and you are only a stand-in father. Not saying it will happen, and if the woman has any sense it won't, but woman can get very cross and very possessive, and it's just as well to be mentally prepared for if that ever happens.
Wise words.
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