Viz Top Tips..volume 2
Discussion
been done before I know but what are your favourites?
MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.
PROSTITUTES. If selling your body for sex makes you feel cheap, then simply raise your prices.
MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.
PROSTITUTES. If selling your body for sex makes you feel cheap, then simply raise your prices.
"Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in."
"If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed."
"Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking."
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in."
"If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed."
"Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking."
Edited by Jsyphil on Friday 19th March 13:55
Women. Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s
t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.DON'T WORRY if your kitchen smells of farts when you're boiling eggs. Simply eat the eggs and do a fart. Hey, presto. Your kitchen will smell of eggs again.
ASTHMATICS. Avoid going on holiday to places where the scenery is described as breathtaking.
EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
PAEDOPHILES. Confuse the Police during questioning by making suggestive remarks about old ladies.
FEMALE shop assistants. When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction.
BARMAIDS. Pour all my mate's lagers first, and THEN my Guinness, to ensure half my night is spent at the fking bar.
TOWN Councils. Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.
MAKERS of Anchor Spreadable Butter. Save time and printing ink by simply calling it "Anchor Butter".
FEMALE shop assistants. When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction.
BARMAIDS. Pour all my mate's lagers first, and THEN my Guinness, to ensure half my night is spent at the f
king bar.TOWN Councils. Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.
MAKERS of Anchor Spreadable Butter. Save time and printing ink by simply calling it "Anchor Butter".
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