The best way to manage Mother-inlaws?
Discussion
Hi folks,
My wife has a huge family; I use to get along with her immediate family i.e. the mother in-law (MIL), brother and sister in-laws. Recently the wife and I had a baby boy. Building up to the birth the MIL would not stop coming to my place. I calculated in 30 days she was around 16 times and would sit for 2-3 hours at a time! It was getting too much. Also prior to the birth she would sit in front of me in my place and discuss things with my wife in terms of what she should do with the baby; totally ignoring me and ignoring my presence and the importance of a father’s input on the matter. A few times I would have to interrupt her flow and remind her that certain topics were not needed to be discussed by her and I will handle the matter in question myself. She’d annoying comments on names that I had chosen for the baby and say how much she hates them and how she’s already got the name is used on her side of the family; totally neglecting that there is also another side to consider; my side! I think it’s her trying to dictate and dominate her opinions over what we want to do.
Generally its just lots of annoying stuff and interference more then anything. She just does not know her boundary. She asked me once if I wanted a cleaner to help after the baby was born and I said no; she just arranged for one anyway. I had to tell her in-a-round about way to cancel it.
Here’s the problem. She was widowed 2 years ago, her eldest son married and moved out a year ago, we live close and now my place has become her hang out. Personally I do not want her input or influence on my family. The intention is to move soon but for the time being I have her to deal with.
There was a recent gathering at the MILs place. I went there and remained quiet and did not interact with the in-laws as usual; infact I have not been to my mother in-laws for 3 months until that day. Normally would be around 2-3 times a week. She realizes I have gone cold to her but does not realize why; she asks my wife but my wife wont say anything as it will hurt her mother. During this period her family members who I think keep to their limits are thinking I am a tosser (so the wife says).
This post is dragging so to cut it short; what would be a sensible way in which I should approach this? Just let it be as she has stop coming round when I am at home now (she goes when I am at work) or explain to her that she should keep to her limits? What would you do?
Regards,
LP.
My wife has a huge family; I use to get along with her immediate family i.e. the mother in-law (MIL), brother and sister in-laws. Recently the wife and I had a baby boy. Building up to the birth the MIL would not stop coming to my place. I calculated in 30 days she was around 16 times and would sit for 2-3 hours at a time! It was getting too much. Also prior to the birth she would sit in front of me in my place and discuss things with my wife in terms of what she should do with the baby; totally ignoring me and ignoring my presence and the importance of a father’s input on the matter. A few times I would have to interrupt her flow and remind her that certain topics were not needed to be discussed by her and I will handle the matter in question myself. She’d annoying comments on names that I had chosen for the baby and say how much she hates them and how she’s already got the name is used on her side of the family; totally neglecting that there is also another side to consider; my side! I think it’s her trying to dictate and dominate her opinions over what we want to do.
Generally its just lots of annoying stuff and interference more then anything. She just does not know her boundary. She asked me once if I wanted a cleaner to help after the baby was born and I said no; she just arranged for one anyway. I had to tell her in-a-round about way to cancel it.
Here’s the problem. She was widowed 2 years ago, her eldest son married and moved out a year ago, we live close and now my place has become her hang out. Personally I do not want her input or influence on my family. The intention is to move soon but for the time being I have her to deal with.
There was a recent gathering at the MILs place. I went there and remained quiet and did not interact with the in-laws as usual; infact I have not been to my mother in-laws for 3 months until that day. Normally would be around 2-3 times a week. She realizes I have gone cold to her but does not realize why; she asks my wife but my wife wont say anything as it will hurt her mother. During this period her family members who I think keep to their limits are thinking I am a tosser (so the wife says).
This post is dragging so to cut it short; what would be a sensible way in which I should approach this? Just let it be as she has stop coming round when I am at home now (she goes when I am at work) or explain to her that she should keep to her limits? What would you do?
Regards,
LP.
Sorry to say it, but it sounds as though your wife's let you down on this one, avoiding slightly awkward situations for her that have led to worse ones for you.
Unless you can persuade your wife to be stronger, the way I see it, you're faced with little choice other than to be what will probably be painfully, honest and firm with the MIL. You wouldn't be the first.
And then move further away!
Unless you can persuade your wife to be stronger, the way I see it, you're faced with little choice other than to be what will probably be painfully, honest and firm with the MIL. You wouldn't be the first.
And then move further away!
Edited by cs02rm0 on Tuesday 13th April 16:00
13th said:
Oh for crying out loud, talk to your wife she is her mother.........
lol; I have! I have made myself very clear! The son moved out and shes very alone. my wife does not want to upset her mother and likes to leave it as it is.Me going cold is not the solution; its just hurting the MIL. I am bad at talking to my inlaws! I say too much! So I personally do not think I should speak to the MIL. The wife wont either! hence I feel stuck!
She probably means well and thinks she's helping. Tackling the situation head-on will only upset her and your wife.
It sounds as though she's bored, and misses her role as wife and mother. I'd suggest that your wife has a word with her about 'getting out more', adult education classes, joining the Womens Institute, or whatever it is that ladies of a certain age do to occupy themselves.
The more interests and activities she has to fill her life, the less she'll interfere in yours.
It sounds as though she's bored, and misses her role as wife and mother. I'd suggest that your wife has a word with her about 'getting out more', adult education classes, joining the Womens Institute, or whatever it is that ladies of a certain age do to occupy themselves.
The more interests and activities she has to fill her life, the less she'll interfere in yours.
Lostprophet said:
13th said:
Oh for crying out loud, talk to your wife she is her mother.........
lol; I have! I have made myself very clear! The son moved out and shes very alone. my wife does not want to upset her mother and likes to leave it as it is.Me going cold is not the solution; its just hurting the MIL. I am bad at talking to my inlaws! I say too much! So I personally do not think I should speak to the MIL. The wife wont either! hence I feel stuck!
edited as I ca't spell!!!! lol ;-)
Edited by 13th on Tuesday 13th April 16:18
Tell your wife she(or both) need to sort this, as its not having an effect one your relationship, especially at this time (its not easy with a newborn). However, you MIL now feels a sense of worth.. so its going to be hard, but I cannot see this fizzing out any time soon.
Speaking to the BIL also, seems a good move.
Speaking to the BIL also, seems a good move.
Edited by joe_90 on Tuesday 13th April 16:16
Lostprophet said:
...comments on names that I had chosen for the baby...
One of your problems would appear to be that you are not even including your wife in things like chosing the baby's name...You come across in that post as someone who is not prepared to take life on anyhing other than YOUR terms. Unfortuately the nature of life is give and take and it sounds like you are a taker, not a giver. It may be that your M-i-L is the same but that is her problem: your problem is with yourself.
If it was your mother with this behaviour...then I can give you a 10 year guarantee that your wife would have had an episode of....wait for it...
'THE MENTAL'
It would have been all your fault for not respecting her feelings and not making your family aware of how decisions are taken after discussion between both of you!....Wonder why it never works the other way round??
'THE MENTAL'
It would have been all your fault for not respecting her feelings and not making your family aware of how decisions are taken after discussion between both of you!....Wonder why it never works the other way round??
If you think you have it bad you should read some of these stories (not trying to says yours isn't bad, just letting you know there are others whom share your pain):
http://www.ihatemyinlaws.com/
http://www.ihatemyinlaws.com/
PaulHogan said:
Lostprophet said:
...comments on names that I had chosen for the baby...
One of your problems would appear to be that you are not even including your wife in things like chosing the baby's name...You come across in that post as someone who is not prepared to take life on anyhing other than YOUR terms. Unfortuately the nature of life is give and take and it sounds like you are a taker, not a giver. It may be that your M-i-L is the same but that is her problem: your problem is with yourself.
good to know where you're at!
Lostprophet said:
Chaps I think you all are going towards me talking to her directly, rightly so a post above points out this could upset my wife and I will get it in the neck over it.
Do you think I should speak to my brother inlaw and explain my issue? Maybe he could have a word with his mother?
Leave the brother out of it. It's a problem with your MIL getting between you and your wife, nothing to do with him. I think you need to make sure your wife fully understands that this is going to blow up sooner or later and if she doesn't head it off then someone's going to really get hurt. Only yourself or your wife can fix this, because the MIL won't likely change while she's getting her way and no one else is, or should be, involved. It will go much more smoothly if it's your wife that takes control of it.Do you think I should speak to my brother inlaw and explain my issue? Maybe he could have a word with his mother?
Parents seem to regress to being like children and you just have to be firm.
Lostprophet said:
Hi folks,
My wife has a huge family; I use to get along with her immediate family i.e. the mother in-law (MIL), brother and sister in-laws. Recently the wife and I had a baby boy. Building up to the birth the MIL would not stop coming to my place. I calculated in 30 days she was around 16 times and would sit for 2-3 hours at a time! It was getting too much. Also prior to the birth she would sit in front of me in my place and discuss things with my wife in terms of what she should do with the baby; totally ignoring me and ignoring my presence and the importance of a father’s input on the matter. A few times I would have to interrupt her flow and remind her that certain topics were not needed to be discussed by her and I will handle the matter in question myself. She’d annoying comments on names that I had chosen for the baby and say how much she hates them and how she’s already got the name is used on her side of the family; totally neglecting that there is also another side to consider; my side! I think it’s her trying to dictate and dominate her opinions over what we want to do.
Generally its just lots of annoying stuff and interference more then anything. She just does not know her boundary. She asked me once if I wanted a cleaner to help after the baby was born and I said no; she just arranged for one anyway. I had to tell her in-a-round about way to cancel it.
Here’s the problem. She was widowed 2 years ago, her eldest son married and moved out a year ago, we live close and now my place has become her hang out. Personally I do not want her input or influence on my family. The intention is to move soon but for the time being I have her to deal with.
There was a recent gathering at the MILs place. I went there and remained quiet and did not interact with the in-laws as usual; infact I have not been to my mother in-laws for 3 months until that day. Normally would be around 2-3 times a week. She realizes I have gone cold to her but does not realize why; she asks my wife but my wife wont say anything as it will hurt her mother. During this period her family members who I think keep to their limits are thinking I am a tosser (so the wife says).
This post is dragging so to cut it short; what would be a sensible way in which I should approach this? Just let it be as she has stop coming round when I am at home now (she goes when I am at work) or explain to her that she should keep to her limits? What would you do?
Regards,
LP.
Your fundamental problem here is that you are overestimating your importance.My wife has a huge family; I use to get along with her immediate family i.e. the mother in-law (MIL), brother and sister in-laws. Recently the wife and I had a baby boy. Building up to the birth the MIL would not stop coming to my place. I calculated in 30 days she was around 16 times and would sit for 2-3 hours at a time! It was getting too much. Also prior to the birth she would sit in front of me in my place and discuss things with my wife in terms of what she should do with the baby; totally ignoring me and ignoring my presence and the importance of a father’s input on the matter. A few times I would have to interrupt her flow and remind her that certain topics were not needed to be discussed by her and I will handle the matter in question myself. She’d annoying comments on names that I had chosen for the baby and say how much she hates them and how she’s already got the name is used on her side of the family; totally neglecting that there is also another side to consider; my side! I think it’s her trying to dictate and dominate her opinions over what we want to do.
Generally its just lots of annoying stuff and interference more then anything. She just does not know her boundary. She asked me once if I wanted a cleaner to help after the baby was born and I said no; she just arranged for one anyway. I had to tell her in-a-round about way to cancel it.
Here’s the problem. She was widowed 2 years ago, her eldest son married and moved out a year ago, we live close and now my place has become her hang out. Personally I do not want her input or influence on my family. The intention is to move soon but for the time being I have her to deal with.
There was a recent gathering at the MILs place. I went there and remained quiet and did not interact with the in-laws as usual; infact I have not been to my mother in-laws for 3 months until that day. Normally would be around 2-3 times a week. She realizes I have gone cold to her but does not realize why; she asks my wife but my wife wont say anything as it will hurt her mother. During this period her family members who I think keep to their limits are thinking I am a tosser (so the wife says).
This post is dragging so to cut it short; what would be a sensible way in which I should approach this? Just let it be as she has stop coming round when I am at home now (she goes when I am at work) or explain to her that she should keep to her limits? What would you do?
Regards,
LP.
There comes a point where one becomes merely a sperm donor and someone who goes out to earn the money. Parenting and childcare issues will be decided by your wife and the grandparents. You have now reached this point.
You will find that at Christmas LP Junior will receive a hundred presents that he / she neither wants nor needs and which comprise components of subatomic size which become lost almost as soon as they have been shaken from the box. You can implore the doting grandparents NOT to buy more than one present but you will be ignored.
You have, to all intents and purposes, ceased to exist in any maningful sense once children have arrived.
Now toddle off an put in a few hours overtime, Bugaboo travel systems don't buy themselves you know.
Manks
Horrible situation - MIL is lonely and thinks she is helping, you feel you are being pushed out and don't have any privacy, and your wife is stuck in the middle.
Your wife needs to be firm, and failing that, you need to be very, very tactful with MIL. Ground rules need to be set or else it will end badly...
Your wife needs to be firm, and failing that, you need to be very, very tactful with MIL. Ground rules need to be set or else it will end badly...
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