Catching a Thieving Flatmate

[dpbird90]

Lots of my stuff keeps going missing in our flat. Started with bowls which to be fair did end up returned to me (read dumped on the side, dirty as fk. Is it too much to ask that if someone uses your stuff that they clean it and return it to you properly?) but then one day I find that my jar of coffee, which I'd just bought a day or two before and was still almost full had been emptied. And today the final straw, I come home from work and want nothing more than a nice cold beer with my curry. But no, some thieving scrote has taken all 3 bottles of it. Now, knowing PH I know some of you will be telling me to stop complaining blah blah blah, its only 3 beers, some coffee and bowls. I'll take the time now to tell you lot to fk off. I don't care if its the above items or my car, its the principle; still amounts to theft. Of course, I've asked my flatmates politely if they'd helped themselves to my beer; one of the guys had done before but apologised and gave me the money for more when I got home, but this time nobody will admit it. So not only is one of my flatmates a thief, but also a liar. So, here's where the PH masses come in. How do I catch the thieving little ste, whoever he is? Already had a good suggestion from SWMBO, mix another beer with a not quite lethal dose of laxative, and whoever the thief is, he'll be stting his intestines all over the floor. Naturally I think this is hilarious, need more ideas though...

[_rubinho_]

dpbird90 said:

Whiny drivel...

MTFU?

[chunkymonkey71]

I was so disappointed when I read this.

I thought DPBird was a lady who enjoyed the intimate company of two gentlemens parts at the one time...

[Marf]

Tell him to sling his hook, if he doesnt get the picture then leave boobytrapped food around.

[Frederick]

Was it a couple of drops of optrex in coffee that causes volcanic diarrhoea?

I wonder if it would still work in a carefully opened and closed bottle of Budweiser...

[singlecoil]

There are many reasons why people share flats, but no good reasons

HTH

[dpbird90]

_rubinho_ said:

dpbird90 said:

Whiny drivel...

MTFU?

I thought I said none of this ste. How would you like it if I come to your house and nick all of your beer?

Yeah, thought so

chunkymonkey71 said:

I was so disappointed when I read this.

I thought DPBird was a lady who enjoyed the intimate company of two gentlemens parts at the one time...

ffs not again

[DrTre]

WWW.tapewormeggs.com

[dpbird90]

DrTre said:

WWW.tapewormeggs.com

[Flanders.]

Tea bag him when he's asleep!

[Matt Harper]

Murder them all. Then you can be certain that you have punished the miscreant (and you'll have the flat all to yourself). Bury the bodies under that patio (as usual).

[Waugh-terfall]

http://shop.ebay.co.uk/?_from=R40&_trksid=p398...
can be set to record by sound, massive standby capabilities.

I had someone drinking my Apple Juice constantly, so I didn't urinate in it and he didn't drink it...

Or there is this....

[dpbird90]

Waugh-terfall said:

http://shop.ebay.co.uk/?_from=R40&_trksid=p398...
can be set to record by sound, massive standby capabilities.

I had someone drinking my Apple Juice constantly, so I didn't urinate in it and he didn't drink it...

Or there is this....

Those cameras are really £1.99? Even with the £8 postage, thats still damn good. Like the apple juice idea, probably the easiest option, although it would probably be a welcome relief to him than Tennents. Had to think for a while what that bottle was, but then I remembered that Family Guy scene and laughed.

[dpbird90]

Flanders. said:

Tea bag him when he's asleep!

If I was a woman, then probably. But seeing as I'm not. Just no. Although a paintball gun to the balls might hurt a bit.

[pits]

dpbird90 said:

Flanders. said:

Tea bag him when he's asleep!

If I was a woman, then probably. But seeing as I'm not. Just no. Although a paintball gun to the balls might hurt a bit.

What? That makes no sense, you're saying that if you were to teabag someone, you would only do it if you were a woman....A woman with balls and a scrotum....

[4nonymous]

pits said:

dpbird90 said:

Flanders. said:

Tea bag him when he's asleep!

If I was a woman, then probably. But seeing as I'm not. Just no. Although a paintball gun to the balls might hurt a bit.

What? That makes no sense, you're saying that if you were to teabag someone, you would only do it if you were a woman....A woman with balls and a scrotum....

+1 with pits. Utterly

[ShadownINja]

4nonymous said:

pits said:

dpbird90 said:

Flanders. said:

Tea bag him when he's asleep!

If I was a woman, then probably. But seeing as I'm not. Just no. Although a paintball gun to the balls might hurt a bit.

What? That makes no sense, you're saying that if you were to teabag someone, you would only do it if you were a woman....A woman with balls and a scrotum....

+1 with pits. Utterly

In fairness, teabagging doesn't make sense. Why would a straight man want to put his scrotum in another straight man's mouth?? Fine if your girlfriend likes it and has an active tongue... teabag away. I really don't get it on FPSs... why would you dip your scrotum in a corpse's mouth?

[pits]

ShadownINja said:

4nonymous said:

pits said:

dpbird90 said:

Flanders. said:

Tea bag him when he's asleep!

If I was a woman, then probably. But seeing as I'm not. Just no. Although a paintball gun to the balls might hurt a bit.

What? That makes no sense, you're saying that if you were to teabag someone, you would only do it if you were a woman....A woman with balls and a scrotum....

+1 with pits. Utterly

In fairness, teabagging doesn't make sense. Why would a straight man want to put his scrotum in another straight man's mouth?? Fine if your girlfriend likes it and has an active tongue... teabag away. I really don't get it on FPSs... why would you dip your scrotum in a corpse's mouth?

I don't know, but, in fairness, unless your a chick with a dick there is no way a woman could teabag a man, it's physically impossible, even if they do massive beef curtains to dangle or dip into your mouth, you will wake up and either
A. Think "profit" I have vagina on my face, I am getting laid
B. Vomit as she is clearly no spring chicken anymore, and has been douched far to much that she now has to resort to "facepalming" her slimy dead kipper minge all your face to get off, either way it will not end well, I imagine there would be a lot of sick.

[dpbird90]

pits said:

ShadownINja said:

4nonymous said:

pits said:

dpbird90 said:

Flanders. said:

Tea bag him when he's asleep!

If I was a woman, then probably. But seeing as I'm not. Just no. Although a paintball gun to the balls might hurt a bit.

What? That makes no sense, you're saying that if you were to teabag someone, you would only do it if you were a woman....A woman with balls and a scrotum....

+1 with pits. Utterly

In fairness, teabagging doesn't make sense. Why would a straight man want to put his scrotum in another straight man's mouth?? Fine if your girlfriend likes it and has an active tongue... teabag away. I really don't get it on FPSs... why would you dip your scrotum in a corpse's mouth?

I don't know, but, in fairness, unless your a chick with a dick there is no way a woman could teabag a man, it's physically impossible, even if they do massive beef curtains to dangle or dip into your mouth, you will wake up and either
A. Think "profit" I have vagina on my face, I am getting laid
B. Vomit as she is clearly no spring chicken anymore, and has been douched far to much that she now has to resort to "facepalming" her slimy dead kipper minge all your face to get off, either way it will not end well, I imagine there would be a lot of sick.

Ah, I thought you meant the other way round, ignore my previous post (14 hour shift so not 100% concentrating). While it would be hilarious and degrading to the thieving ste, I'd probably end up getting the piss taken out of me somehow. I'm also cleaning my irn bru off the screen now at the "beef curtains" comment, reminds me of a horrible video a friend made me watch (he's a bit of a sicko, who has also made us see a video of a man having a screwdriver rammed down his pipe, handle first) of a woman with such huge beef curtains, the only way she could get off was by getting the bloke to stick his ENTIRE HEAD in there. Or maybe someone had spiked my beer with LSD, either way it mentally scarred me

[MATT427]

v1paul said:

If he still doesn't get the message, st in his bed.

have to love ph


this is lifes most underated sentence, works for everything.