Ramblings of a garden hater

[ShadownINja]

Not sure why I'm typing this. Cathartic, I guess.

I hate gardening. It's like getting your hair cut but on a bigger scale. You cut it... it grows back... you cut it... it grows back. King Canute springs to mind. Yes, by gardening, I don't mean putting up pretty flowers, growing runner beans or playing with Charlie Dimmock's breasts. I mean trying to fight back nature. Anyway, the bushes were getting a bit... bushy.

Before...


After?


Not bad...

Better:


Best:


But I digress...

My thought process from a lazy, minimalist perspective...

Petrol + match: efficient, effective... too effective. In my mind, I see this:

Add a couple of beers, maybe a cheeky steak above a burning bush.

Given there's foliage and wooden fences spreading for hundreds of yards in all directions through other peoples' gardens, it could be overly effective at fighting back nature, especially given the dry weather we've had over the last two days. More likely to get this:


I decided my neighbours probably don't want their bushes trimmed back as much as I do...

Time to man up and buy some tools. Hedge trimmers... effective for smaller branches... but what about thicker branches? Oh, look... chainsaws... manly petrol chainsaws. I cackle in B&Q. Images of Doom spring to mind...





Then I start thinking this is more likely:



Ok, hedge trimmer it is... I buy the biggest one I can, of course. Ok, back home, surprisingly easy, but sweaty in the afternoon sun. Like a hot knife through butter - very satisfying. Only snag is... arms getting tired, plus safety system requires double squeezing of the handles... I start to regret indoor climbing to failure on Friday.

Hm, something I didn't think about... so many leaves and twigs everywhere... now what would a lazy man do? Yep, I'm thinking this again:



Ok, best not. Ahh, the bushes are less bushy but not entirely foliage-free. So I do the garden equivalent of sweeping dust under a rug... and chuck all the twigs and leaves behind the tall bushes and under overhanging bushes. It'll rot, right? It's compost that hasn't composted, see.

That's the last time I buy a house.

Edited by ShadownINja on Sunday 13th June 18:05

[mickk]

Can't help you with the gardening but i'm liking the use of pictures to tell a story.

[ShadownINja]

I shoulda had a gardening party/bbq! Get guests to do the gardening and then feed them afterwards! Dagnammit.

[Flintstone]

Which is why your lot* invented gardens with rocks, gravel, water and flid trees. Minimalism, see? You still have to rake the gravel though.

• Obligatory, racist generalisation

[ShadownINja]

Ah but we don't have to rake it. We rake it because we want to. And some mug still has to clip that bush!!

Edited by ShadownINja on Monday 14th June 08:47

[Simpo Two]

The secret is:

Gardeners. A team of six at three shillings a day should keep the aveage sized estate in excellent condition.

[ShadownINja]

Simpo Two said:

The secret is:

Gardeners. A team of six at three shillings a day should keep the aveage sized estate in excellent condition.

Can't I beat them instead?

[Simpo Two]

You can, but that takes effort, especially on a hot day.

You could hire some beaters of course. Six shillings a day...

Edited by Simpo Two on Monday 14th June 14:48

[ShadownINja]

Simpo Two said:

You can, but that takes effort, especially on a hot day.

You could hire some beaters of course. Six shillings a day...

Or I could rent them out to wannabe Ninjas looking to train their fighting skills at 3 shillings a day.

Hm I wonder if there's any mileage in a business that puts martial artists in contact with people looking to sue companies for injuries sustained via No Win No Fee accident claims lawyers?

[Flintstone]

That's a very circular idea.



Wax on, wax off.......................

[ShadownINja]

Flintstone said:

That's a very circular idea.



Wax on, wax off.......................

Yes, shillings are round. I like them.